u an dm e

and I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance
up until now I had sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness
'cos none of it was ever worth the risk

but you are
the only exception

my almost,my might have been,
i thought i was done missing you
but it turns out you seem to be the hardest to forget
i was cured of the misery everyone else brought me
but you are still a very fresh ache,
a very familar pain inside me.
you are the only unfinished business,my friend.
you were the only one i'd loved this way.
i loved you before i knew how to love,
i loved you even when i loved other people.
i loved you without knowing i loved you.
i loved you despite thinking i would never love you.
and in the corner of my psyche,
i miss you everyday.

six feet from the edge.

I hate the part of friendship where you start expecting certain things and responses,and stop being as spontaneous and open and carefree.I hate feeling more bitterly disappointed than delightfully surprised whenever we talk nowadays.I hate caring about what you think about me when I never used to and that then was much happier.I hate having to measure you against the ideal and seeing clearly how far you fall short of it.I hate wanting to talk to you and to spend time with you because it’s as stifling for me as it is for you.I hate how a maturing relationship will ultimately turn one or both of us into people who can’t live without each other.I hate walking our friendship down the road I’ve walked so many times,the one that ends in anger,betrayal and sadness that will linger for many months after we finally stop talking completely.I hate how I’m always more emotionally attached than you,whoever the you may be.I hate how I always hurt longer and feel deeper.I hate knowing you are as indifferent about me as I try to be about you.I hate feeling strangely affectionate about someone after a period of time,because it’s all stupid and pointless and tiring.

And above all that I hate my foolish heart,because it’s always wrong.

i wish we'd never met i'm so tired of goodbyes.

you make me do silly things i thought i'd grown out of,or at least never wanted to do for someone/anyone ever again.

you make me wish i was a better person so i wouldn't feel so guilty for being so unlike you and so much like me.

you make me desperate enough to finally come clean with certain things so you wouldn't get the wrong ideas about me.

and yet after all that i still feel i'm not good enough for you,because someone like you truly deserves the best.

you are such a great person.i never thought i'd actually like someone as good as you.

if you've missed me,if at all,

i'm over at tumblr being all emotional.

please keep in mind that i am not really THAT emo.that site just compels you to be as lyrical as possible.

for the lighter/brighter side of me,follow me on twitter as well.

thus by merging:

1. this blog, which provides a more elaborate/intimate discussion of my life
2. my tumblr, which is the most awesome outlet for all my awesome emo shit (admit it,my prose and poetry and emo self-quotes are good)
3. my facebook, which gives you a glimpse of what i'm like in real life as a friend + how overuploaded the Singakorean photo album is
4. my twitter, which updates you about the unimportant happenings per hour in my life

you can safely say you (still) know me even if you haven't seen me in like forever.

missing you,losing me.

i like to think i'm good at letting go,
honestly i'm just holding onto you from one arm's length away.

maybe one day she'll give you back.

today will be the difference.

yesterday i..

struggled to keep up in MS,
went to bugis
collected my bag
did my eyebrows
browsed through the sale
ate a nice lunch
did my homework in croom
went for cardiodance
had a nice dinner
got stopped by God for a life change.

today will be the difference.

one day i will pervade your world.

you will look for me,
you will find me,
you will love me,
and you will lose me.

i love you because i don't know what else to do with you.

on the bus

it's easy to assess your life on an irritatingly crowded bus, with an old favorite song drowning out the noise and an ipod in hand.

summer's over, just like that. gone. with a sign on it's door saying "be back next year".

it was a packed summer. slacking in april, driving in may, 80 hours of CSP in june, work the whole of july (and more). so neat, so easy to categorize. so very convenient should anyone ask how it all was for me.

so apparently fulfilled.

yet every morning and every evening when i get on the bus, ipod blasting and without a worry about my worries, i never actually sink into sighs of fulfillment as memories of summer float by me.

i'm tired. i'm still not happy with things. worst of all, i'm seriously unhappy.

to be both not happy (i.e. satisfied) as well as unhappy (i.e. miserable) is not exactly the prettiest of situations. euphermeral joys i have, i mean, i really love the kids. but beyond that, when i examine my life.. things aren't great. summer wasn't great. i'm not sure if it could have been better, but it definitely was not a perfect version of what it already has come to be.

gosh. the way i just sit on the bus and wonder how it all turned out this way. and to know all the answers yet continue asking why. until now it's so hard to accept that i can't even find it within me to cry. it's like it never happened.

but has.

"You thought I loved you..." A tear rolls down her wet cheek.

He realizes he's crying too. He wants to say he's sorry. But the door shuts behind her final words.

"I can't believe I did."

you did this.

i'm okay
i'm in pieces but okay
you broke me
i'm cleaning up so it's okay
broken, but i'm okay
may never be unbroken,
but it's okay.

I MUST WATCH..

1. Family Outing
2. Love Letter
3. X-Man
4. Manwon Happiness
5. More Infinity Challenge

2.5 more months of holidays only!!!!! i don't really have to work, i just gotta settle driving and CIP..............therefore, i quote MC Yoo:

GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the greatest thing you'll ever learn

freedom can be to die for,yet after a certain amount of enjoyment it all lapses into an unfortunate state of really pathetic.i don't know what to say for myself.summer is just slipping through my fingers,and all i can do is sleep for many many hours and once in a while wake up to think 'oh shit one more day is gone'.

i am doing nothing with my summer.except maybe watch alot of infinity challenge and occasionally go out with the bunch of never changing friends who do basically the same thing.which is either shop,eat,try to exercise,but mainly the most popular choice of sit-and-gossip.and some variation of that for every new outing.

or maybe it's just me.to me,everything i,or people in general, do is kinda useless.for some reason has no effect on me.maybe i'm just too occupied with making my summer count without having the slightest idea how it IS going to count.watching videos? no.hanging out with friends? somehow...no.being completely free? NO! i don't know!!! perhaps i wasn't even made for summers!!!!! i just can't handle them!!! i am most alive when DREAMING about summer.when i'm so busy with school i LONG for summer to come.but never when the dream is actually fulfilled!!! OMG!!!! i think i live for dreaming,but never for the reality of my dreams themselves.

to think my mother couldn't be more accurate when she said of me years ago...this child is a real dreamer.

nothing's changed except us.

it's pleasantly dramatic to think we cannot move on from the people we used to love.so beautifully,painfully romantic and the inspiration of all successful sad love songs.but because i'm 20,i think the real pain comes when you look into his face years later,hear him whisper her name,and realize he wasn't the only one who moved on.

we all can move on,unlike what they tell us.

but,thankfully,that's even more heartbreaking to know.

how long can i live this way

it's funny how loneliness just creeps up on you and reminds you that being alone has its repercussions, and loneliness just happens to be on the guest list. from living on high drama and emotional rollercoasters to slumming it out in the uneventful suburbian wasteland of predictability and never-ending free time... the life i thought i was finally going to have after term ended is quickly eroding as an all too simple facade for no-life. when you wander like a lost soul waiting to be found, everything that happens to you seems to bring you hope. too much work could serve as a useful distraction from being emotionally alone, yet too much work could also drive your fatigued mind to make a foolish escape into fantasy or worse still, paranoia. too little work on the other hand ironically does the same thing. work never killed anyone but neither does it seem to cure anyone either. honestly i'm just sick of sitting around hoping that i'll stop being what is essentially lonely. i'm also sick of not sitting around because i'm doing the exact same thing anyway. i've been living so much in my head these days i finally came to the conclusion that perhaps i'm just really tired of hanging out aimlessly in this place called me and would very much prefer to move to a location known very simply as someone else's heart.

although it seems like you never happened, i hope you do, again.

el oh vee what?

i ought to get off my poor laptop soon and let it rest.it has been up since early last night trying to convert the stupid bbf videos into ipod format,but i'm guessing it remained on the whole night despite having the conversion crash halfway because my computer smartly ran out of space (after all the crap i've dumped into it).i'm sure most of you have seen my desktop.it is a huge mess.and that's just the tip of the iceberg.i've used up 116 gig worth of harddisk over the first year of my mac's life.so much crap.i deleted mostly everything btw,so don't expect to be getting any secondhand notes from me.nothing of SMU year 1 exists anymore in my computer.i just had to free up space (managed to free up about 50 gig after 5 intensive hours of cleanup).also managed to FINALLY finish converting the 10 bbf videos after 10 hours of waiting and having a super laggy internet due to low computer power.i only have 10 because,as you may have heard,mc's 6 year old computer died the minute we finished sending only 10 videos.she's in seoul now having the time of her (and possibly every korean fan's) life.she bought me kim bum socks too. [:

anyway summer has been pretty awesome.have done baking,watching alot of ss501,getting bbf (or at least half the episodes),hanging out with friends (trinette,bim tan,mc),watching as much tv as i want,being completely FREE...okay so i am crossing my fingers that i get the korean job (no sound from them yet..but they said tomorrow is the day they'll let me know....),not that i really want a job because currently slacking is so much more appealing (SO MANY SHOWS SO MUCH TIME......as long as i don't have a job).but i guess the reality of things is that i DO need a job (no time for a full-time with all that stupid driving).this one sounds like,better than nothing already.

80 hours cip is also looming in the very unpleasant near future.not sure how i'm going to conquer THAT.

btw holidays are not that fun since nus people are still having their 2 week long study/exam sessions.gosh it's really so late compared to us.we have the longest summers ever.not that i'm complaining.really need to get down to watch FTLY and ANTM.the length of my freedom is so extensive that i really hope i don't screw up and end up having a very unmeaningful time.i should pray about these 4 months actually.

oh plus my birthday is coming soon!!! not sure how i want it to be this year,but since i'm trying to save money for my parents so that they'll remunerate me in some monetary form so that i can go overseas and R&R instead,looks like i'm most probably not going to be throwing my usual birthday party.awww.they are fun.but also expensive to hold!!

alot of writing nudges have been coming to me from my real life experiences.i think i should also start on my little private project soon.it's interesting how you have a certain idea for a storyline,and then bits of the plot start happening to you for real.i'm not sure whether i'm right,but i like to think that they're God's little way of helping me understand what it feels like so that i can write about it on behalf of my characters in the most accurate way possible.it's like an adventure for me as well as them hahaha.

okay i should be off to bed now.should i go for crusade tomorrow? claud and trin are going.......

btw i love ss501.

hyunjoong.jungmin.kyujong.yongsaeng.hyungjun.

major love.

welcome home summer bummer.

I AM BACK after a VERY LONG HIATUS.ah,can finally say this wholeheartedly:

SCHOOL'S OUT,SCREAM AND SHOUT!!!!!

a whole term of awesome new friends,quite a damn lot of fun,a very nice amount of slacking,unexpected victories and three final weeks of presentations,halfhearted mugging and exams that couldn't be more OVER.

awesomeness.SUMMER IS HERE.

actually very stressed out over summer schedule,but i'm praying for God to just put it all nicely together so that i can complete my driving successfully by june,have an interesting job experience that isn't too stressful in any way,and do everything summer was created to be for.

am supposed to make a list before i sleep,so that my first day of summer will be full of purpose and stuff to look forward to.i am already booked for the day,with sleeping in (FINALLY BACK TO BED AND GOOD OLD UNINHIBITED-BY-INSOMIA-AND-PRE-SUMMER-STRESS SLEEP),shopping with huishuang (no more bkk for the time being,so time to splurge a bit in faithful orchard road),BAKING (YESSSSS) with her later at night,meeting MC to get everyone's much awaited copy of the most amazing korean show ever,and basically just having nothing better to do than have loads of summer fun.

so this is the list of things i should do:

1. finish watching fated to love you (watched halfway only)
2. start on ANTM cycle 12 (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!)
3. watch several korean movies,and of course other movies that are good (that i missed,thanks to SMU's fantastic timetable)
4. finish driving and hopefully also have a job
5. master the art of baking
6. get started on some SERIOUS WRITING that is overdue by a few years.

oh wait must mention this before i continue.there's this Korean guy called A.J. trying to debut as the Next Rain.he's also only my age! ridiculous he even looks kinda like Rain but definitely does NOT have Rain's body or absolutely sexiness.can't believe it! his dancing is like Rain's!!!! urgh.everybody wants to be Rain.as much as i don't really like Rain that much anymore because he's getting rather old and also overrated,he's really a unique brand all by himself.the voice,the dancing,the whole ego thing.on a happier and less disgusted note,Lee Joon Ki (my second most favorite actor next to rain,as of 2 years ago before kimbum came along and stole my heart from them) is ALSO trying to break out into the music/dance/pop/Rain scene!!! another one with dance moves that look suspiciously like Rain's,gloves and ego thing included.just that Rain doesn't wear eyeliner.i love Lee Joon Ki's eye makeup though! must go get myself some good kohl and try it out.also immediately forgave Joon Ki's attempt to be the Next Rain (unlike my complete disgust at A.J.) because Lee Joon Ki IS a brilliant actor.brilliantly hot,if i may add.

okay back to the list:

7. have some form of a getaway/escape to just relaxxx.
8. buy new clothes,somehow.hope bkk clears up its mess asap.
9. in the meantime,clear up MY mess (both my room AND my computer)
10. in charge of FC's next event!!!
11. am supposed to join worship team
12. crusade camp preparations!!!
13. i cannot believe i forgot to say this earlier.....EIGHTY #*@&@^#* HOURS OF CIP.
14. attend SS501 asian tour concert HAHAHA (a dream of mine)
15. meet up with a14 when they're finally done with THEIR exams...a14 sleepover/camp 09
16. hang out a lot with bim/swannie/stepho/trin/zwing (HOORAY)/racho
17. celebrate my 20th birthday in a DIFFERENT way this year please,no more crazy house parties
18. finally have scgs reunion with rowe/shu/shan/ryl/marilyn/everyone else at ms goh's
19. watch at least 2-3 GOOD dramas
20. HOW COULD I FORGET.WATCH ALL EPISODES OF WGM WITH KHJ IN IT.
21. distribute copies of BBF to claud/rubez/racho/trin/all other unsuspecting victims
22. READ at least 4-5 amazing books.discover new talented authors! [:
23. maybe stop being sian of gossip girl and continue watching.
24. sleep a lot.
25. NOT eat a lot.
26. complete this list tomorrow.

okay kinda sleepy now.hoping to regain my sleeping pattern (9-10 hours a day and NO PROBLEMS falling asleep) that i lost a few days ago.brain is definitely functioning at like less than 1% worth of battery.

hopefully it'll be a GOOD night tonight [: GOOD NIGHT!!! HAPPY SUMMER!!!

i sleep,i wake,i dream,i write.

Thou shalt not fail as a writer
because the very act of writing is the best protection
from the madness of the
world.

- Charles Bukowski -

returning to blog soon! [:

pieces of the life i had before

you tell me i have you
you're there for me too
we're in each other's hearts
each other's lives
but i still miss you
you don't understand
that when i say that
i really mean
that i miss the times
when you were mine
and mine alone.

goodnight.

well,

when you go,
would you have the guts to say
i don't love you,
like i did
yesterday

of all bad scripts,

"I'm in love with her," he said. "Please don't wait up for me tonight. Nor tomorrow, nor the day after."

"I figured." she said. "I figured you weren't quite ready to come home."

"I am not."

"You are free to do as you please."

"I am."

"I know you may never come back."

He sighed. "I most probably never will. Stop doing this to yourself. It is very silly."

She sighed. "Nothing has ever made more sense. But don't mind me. I too, am free to do as I please."

"You are. But don't do this."

"I love you."

"Don't."

"More than you will ever know."

"Then fall out of love with me, I beg you."

Her voice fell with her gaze. "You know that is impossible when it comes to you."

像空气般不存在的存在

I just hope that one day you see me,
and your heart stops
and you realize what you had this whole time.

and our love,like lines so truly parallel
will go on forever
but never meet.

이노래는진실했던사랑이야기.

haven't been around.

i've been very present on facebook and not very present here,so whoever's reading or hoping to read stuff not related to BBF,i'm sorry for not updating! but at least i didn't write a 10000 word long post on kim bum or something.which is worse?

school's pretty busy and my head's pretty occupied thinking and dreaming,that's why i haven't blogged for a pretty long time.but you can totally check out what i'm up to on facebook.i practically live on facebook now.

anyway just a quick update,but i'm having a little egoistical moment now.one of the many,i know.i always get this sense of achievement when i read The Secret Blog aka A Story of A Mind.i am,when i'm not writing about contrived shit,a really awesome writer. [: one day when i get old and am waiting to die,i will publish all the entries in a book and you guys can read it and agree with me.

okay cut the crap.i love him.

kim bum (:

sometimes love just ain't enough?

even through watching the most unrealistic korean dramas,one can learn several important lessons which to me,love guru,are absolutely vital to real life understanding:

1. you may never marry your soulmate,as beautiful an idea it may be.
2. we all have choices of who we want to be with.and all these choices may be great.the tough part is finding the one that best fits you and you alone.
3. it's nice to have choices,but when all these choices want to be with you,you will always end up hurting someone since you can only make one choice.
4. sometimes it's best to not have choices,because then you can't really get that confused when you have to choose between two or more fantastic guys,upon which you have to hurt all but one of them.
5. when you are indecisive or just a player,you most likely will end up hurting the one you love the most,even if you're not sure who it is at that moment.
6. that's because the one you actually love the most,probably loves you the most too.
7. when you love someone too much that that person fills your entire history,it's hard to find someone else who is willing to take that person's place,even if that person will never be with you.
8. it is better to not hold on so tightly to things in life,because when #7 occurs,it is almost impossible to reverse its effects on your life.and you never know how to love another without thinking of that first person.
9. it is possible to love more than one person at one time,or so it seems.choices do abound.for now most of our stories haven't drawn to any close,nobody is married to anybody yet.anything could happen.but we need to make up our minds just how much the girls/boys in our past mean to us,so that we will learn to let go for the good of our futures.
10. but this thing i don't know yet..since i've never watched a korean drama that tells me the answer.only God knows for now,but i've always wondered,what happens if one girl/boy in your past means too much to let go...but a fairytale ending is not going to happen?

what happens then?

how far can i wander

how far can i wander
when your face is his face
your eyes like his eyes
he's smiling for me, when
he doesn't know me
but because you did,
he might have loved me
his gaze upon me like
how you gazed down at me
i love him only
as i loved you only

how far can i wander
when your name is my destination
every street sign refusing
to let me leave this secret place
and i wander in hopes of getting lost
of losing you,
leaving you behind
walking away like you walked away
pretending i know where i'm going
but really
i have no where else to go

You
are
my
home.

please don't move away before i can get back.

the fear you won't fall

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
That's part of it all, part of the beauty
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone was better

Thought I could,
Can't get my mind off you.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

beautiful show.i finally got down to watching and i really really loved the concept.the cinematography.the way it was translated into film and story.amazing.michel gondry is like a master.to be able to use visual methods to convey certain emotions and journeys so accurately and creatively is so admirable.i am blown away.

also very tired,and not dying anytime soon contrary to prior belief. [: things are looking up.

"i'm just afraid i will spend my whole life waiting for you.and you never come back."

facing the road home

i may be sick.not a cough cold flu kind of normal sick.sick as in,really sick inside.i can't even describe the feeling.i don't know if there's anything really wrong with me.as much as i wish it's just my imagination,something isn't right.i can ignore it,but it's there.in my breathing,in my heartbeat.

i'm not scared,since i can't even imagine what could be the problem.i don't even know where to start.it's so dismissable i may one day forget about it.or it could be a major thing.i could just go suddenly,unexpectedly.i don't know.at least i know where i'm going,and all the good stuff that's coming.the people (and very important person) i'll be meeting,a beautiful home to return to.

the only thing i actually want to know,is whether anyone would notice if i was gone.

forever.

the emo song.

what if i fall and hurt myself

would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
'cause without you things go hazy

do you know greater love than this?

you really never know.

just watched 'definitely maybe' and it was actually pretty good! it really made me realize that at the end of all this struggle and confusion we're going to wind up as parents to kids who may just want to know all the shit we went through finding the person we finally love for the rest of our lives, and then we're going to have to recount everything we're going through now to them and tell them the story of how we met their dads/mums.a very scary thought indeed,the way the movie put it.quite aptly though.we just go through so many different relationships with so many possible outcomes over the years.we never know what's coming until we get there.then we'll breathe,hopefully,a sigh of relief and go 'ohhhhh so he/she turned out to be the one'.very scary.

i mean the way ryan reynolds recounted each of his ongoing love stories over the course of his life to his daughter made me just think about what it would be like telling my story one day with the end already known to me.without worry of who it might be,because it'll,hopefully again,be a happy ending..just telling it and being happily nostalgic instead of painfully clueless,as i am now.it makes me think about all the relationships i've gone through and wonder myself who on earth would emerge winner at the very end.then i can tell all my stories in peace without worrying 'what if he's the one!!!!'.i always think of the worse case scenarios actually.so it's a very harrowing experience,telling a story without an end that i'm sure of.

most of you have heard my very interesting stories on life and love.i just hope that one day i'll be able to tell you the full thing,and tie it up nicely with the most beautiful ending even you couldn't imagine.the stuff God thinks up and creates perfectly in real life. [:

on a very random side note,this was possibly my favourite quote from the movie,where april describes a guy she meets on a beach in crete:

"he was brooding and sexy,monosyllabic and totally my type."

besides the fact that this is [SPOILER ALERT!!] the girl/bestfriend ryan reynolds has been in love with all the while (which scares the shit out of me for reasons some of you will know) and that she also walks away from this guy she was talking about in the quote because she realizes at that point that she loves ryan reynolds and returns home to him (which also scares the shit out of me due to a reason related to the previous one)...

i'm kinda in love with a guy just like that now myself.

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you will throw my way
and i'm hanging on
to the words you say
You said that I will
will be okay

to the last breath i draw,and beyond

it is a funny,vulnerable feeling.
to see something awesome,but not have the urge to pick up your phone and message that person about it immediately.
to be bored out of your mind on a smothering afternoon,yet have no one readily in mind to call out.
to hear one of those feel good love songs playing in the background,but have absolutely no clue who you're supposed to think of.
to no longer be finding reasons and conversation topics to talk to that person about,possibly every second of the day.
to not exceed your message or call time limit,for the first time in years.
to sit on the bus alone and to really be,in every essence of the word,be alone.
to see other people being together and loving it,but no longer thinking,if only a miracle happened to me too.
to no longer know what i want.

the largest bowl of mash.

i've just consumed what was possibly the most amount of carbohydrate in the past hour.thanks to my mouth's unfortunate inability to chew anything harder than liquid/mush/mash,i should be thankful for the huge bowl of mash potato i just had.am still in screme now relishing in paul's very nice present of fullhouse WITH english subtitles.although it can't play on my ipod,it's still one whole item of my wishlist! hooray!

2 more hours till my next class sheesh.the sleep monster is slowly attacking..not that it hasn't been trying to devour me for the past 4 hours since i had to wake up for FA.FA is quite crazy,but not as mind bogging as biz law yet.perhaps i should be good and go to the library to study..either that or the driving booklet.etrial is tmr omg.i'm so not prepared.

okay too full to think now.am exploding.imploding.not sure.byee.

someone numb the pain.

today two things were hurting.my entire set of teeth,and my heart.

i'm not sure which hurt more.

this is my damn secret.

1. i always thought that we owed the people we secretly loved a duty of care to let them know the horrifying truth one day,so that in their saddest and most lonely moments they would remember that there was indeed at least one person who thought they were worth it.

2. i never dared to tell you earlier,because out of all the rest i thoughtlessly informed,the thought of you knowing and never talking to me again was something i would spend many years preparing myself for but never getting any more ready.

3. i risked it all because it would have made me happy if i were in your shoes,i thought,and when i finally did it i was trembling up to my fingers and tears were threatening to run down my face.

4. i don't think it made you happy,although you tried to tell me that it did.it made me feel sad because i had sold my secret for no return,and now i had nothing left to cherish and protect.and what i had been guarding all these years apparently meant nothing to begin with.

5. i did cry,in the end.

6. tomorrow we will go back to normal,and you wouldn't know the difference.

a few things not to do this year.

making promises to self to do certain things in the new year is possibly one of the lamest and stupidest things to do.next on that list of stupid things to do when a new year rolls around is to wish people happy new year because if you think about it you're feeling all wonderful and friendly just for that magical hour after the clock strikes twelve but when you wake up the next day nothing has changed at all,really.the smiles and hugs and screaming hasn't improved a thing at all.the hour after new years arrives is enchanted.people stop regretting things of the year before,stop hanging on to long-standing inhibitions and just give it all up for that one hour of merry making.i have to admit falling prey to the magic of new years last night.or almost doing so.but being the stubborn/self-controlled person that i am,i got over it before i could sell my soul to the night and woke up with a massive hangover,but no life change.

i crafted my new years message to my friends carefully,along the lines of what i really felt were important whenever a new year comes.all that whizzlefizzle about losing 10 pounds and getting a GPA of 4.0 just falls flat because nobody really remembers these things.how on earth do you do that when the 365 days of the year are choke full of a variety/combination of problems,new people,projects,heartbreaks and eye candy.likes,loves,wishes,hopes,dreams.the human mind wasn't programmed to actually remember all that stuff said on the very first day of the year! it's probably the LEAST remembered day of the year in fact.

so here are a few things i wish NOT to do this year,based on what i DID last year,at least i have one whole year's worth of past experience to scare me into doing the right thing this year:

1. not to procrastinate when it comes to driving.made a 1% effort last year and that was proven not good.
2. not to be anyone's emotional backup plan.don't always be the good samaritan!
3. not to be so forthcoming and open (and dramatic) about how i feel,because it only comes back to haunt you when you change your mind.
4. not to forget that in everything God has some great divine plan,as miserable and unchangeable as some life situations may be.
5. not to be so hypochondriatic.trust God more and worry a whole lot less.
6. not to miss the moments that could change your life by being afraid of losing out in active participation of them.i'm still wondering if i should have said something last night.
7. not to lose myself in my work at smu.which means abandoning the friends who matter and being too sian to go to church.
8. not to be a complete spaz in front of certain people.
9. not to be too confident or too unconfident.just enough confidence is apparently sexy.
10. not to get emotionally involved with anyone at all.but at the same time,never stop dreaming.

oh yes i think lucas might want me to add this..

11. NOT TO SPOIL ANYMORE GADGETS.very very very very important.

by the way,by the divine power of God,my dead laptop battery/charger miraculously resurrected at the start of smash preparations yesterday afternoon.hallelujah worthy or what! btw,SMASH was pretty darn good. [:

getting over you.

even if it takes forever
i get my shit together
yes dear
i'm getting over you.

thought that was a pretty neat line from the click five.though i just spoke to kahpoh about something similar and i concluded out loud that i will be happy to never blow out the tiny candle that i still have burning somewhere in me for you.

am dead tired.

an empty life.

everybody else is having their last flings before school restarts,and once again i have found myself sitting aimlessly and half pondering what life is about instead of having some fun myself.i thought i missed school last week when i was bored and depressed.but now that i finished SMASH stuff with robyn last night and managed to get started with the BTT book,everything seems to be sinking into dread and purposeless wondering all over again.i don't even want to go back to school.i think i'm just really tired of living.it's another depressing night with an even more pathetic dinner.

christmas reds greens and blues.

i've been feeling quite down over the past few days.a variety of factors really.plus i'm stressed out by smash and stuff that's been happening over the past few days.a lot of negative energy dampening my spirits.when people close to you are visibly unhappy,when the things you used to keep you feeling alive are pretty much gone..when you see other people being happy,like fairytales playing along unaffected outside your window,how do i not sit here lonely and on the brink of miserable?

there is no christmas mood for me this year.i didn't get anyone presents,so please don't be disappointed.i just don't know what to do for people anymore.i used to be so excited and full of ideas and hopes of proving how thoughtful i could be with gift choices,but my melancholic state is doing any good for me this holiday season.

alot of unusual problems and situations are plaguing my life right now.unwelcome ones too.the kind of things that you just want to sweep out the door and pretend they never existed.death,hatred,sickness,true loneliness.who wants to deal with issues related to these? we all love to complain and philosophize about life,love,mystery..neglect the blessing of health,fancy ourselves pitiful and dramatic.all that jazz..people like TC remind me that i really am lame.because i sure do sound pretty lame,looking back at how frivolous my imagination can be.

yet i don't know what else makes my world spin,being the way i tend to be.looking at the lost state i am in,i'm really not sure what else i thrive on besides the silly pitiful things in an unrealistic perception of life.

but i,

finally finished buliangxiaohua! not bad at all.fairytale sweet as usual.i've been examining my own life however.it's strangely unstable,as much as i try to take control.perhaps it's because all my confidantes are too busy enjoying the holidays.don't really know what i can say here actually.sometimes i feel as though this space of mine has been invaded by people i wish had no idea about my personal life.thus i'm going to privatise this blog.i remember reading someone else's remark..that as you grow older you start regretting being so open.i'm turning 20 in half a year's time.i'm no longer a young hopeful child waiting to be heard.it's time to be exclusively my own.

a life in love with You.

freely You gave it all for us

surrendered Your life upon that cross
great is the love poured out for all
this is our God
lifted on high from death to life
forever our God is glorified
servant and King, rescued the world
this is our God

next week's schedule.

next week is surprisingly busy! now that im not sick or have stuff like episcleritis in my eyes..or severe addictions to taiwanese dramas..i am finally getting OUT THERE.fb is going to have MORE PHOTOS finally!!(:

this is my schedule.so that whoever wants to grab some time can grab at the right time.

15th/monday: ben's christmas day with 大姐! (:
brunch @ yongtaufoo place 11-12
pasarmalam @ tampines 1-2, meet trinette
more shopping @ city plaza 2-3
food hunt @ geylang 3-5

16th/tuesday: currently free in the afternoon if not feeling hardworking
go down to settle driving @ ubi 10 30, with swan
very possibly do SMASH homework @ home
OR supposed to go out with steph @ somewhere at sometime
FC meeting @ church 7 30-late

17th/wednesday: shop and buy cake!
shopping madness @ bugis, with trinette
blading @ ecp with swan/huey/steph?

18th/thursday: pa's birthday!!
may want to watch the sunrise together @ ecp
go eat carrot cake/prata @ katong
go back to sleep @ home
high tea @ some fancy place
family time @ home
watch movie @ late night

19th/friday: mum's birthday!!
christmas shopping @ town, whole day

20th/saturday: otherwise relatively free
christmas play @ church 4-7 (who wants to go?)
supper @ nearby with whoever goes with me

21st/sunday: another christmas party to host
morning service @ church
class christmas dinner @ home

rowena flores, take your pick baby.

天天对你说我有多爱你!

romantic wedding afternoon.

surprisingly nice photograph outside the church.

my absolute favorite photograph.

strangely interesting picture.

with the decorated banisters.

my future maid of honor. (:

the girl on skates returns.

emotional,says huey.

had fun with huey,swan and royce (:

better than going blind.

"Episcleritis is an inflammatory condition of the connective tissue between the conjunctiva and sclera known as the episclera.  The eye's red appearance makes it look similar to conjunctivitis, or pink eye, but there is no discharge or tearing.  It is a relatively benign condition that has few complications and is usually self-limited. It usually has no apparent cause and is more common in women."

looks like im not going blind after all.but it's back to glasses for the next few days..and the christmas parties are just starting.i shan't complain so much though.to be able to see and have beautiful eyes is already something to be thankful for. (: thank God for taking away the redness too.off to rest my eyes now!!

my eyes hurt.

gossip girl.bu liang xiao hua.damn long email writing.my eyes really hurt now.going to sleep already.hope i can sleep in a bit longer tomorrow.wonder what is happening with wonder's reunion.i also think that steph is returning tomorrow.thus i await with great anticipation.swan is also free to meet me.looks like there will be an a14 reunion this friday.amazing.i can't wait. (: sam is also back from US next week.david is also back from egypt.more bu liang xiao hua.more xiao niang re.better go sleep now because tomorrow will be better. [:

the morning after.

i'm suddenly afraid of meeting people.especially after what i did to my hair.i regret yet i don't regret.i did hate the messiness of my mad hair,but at the same time..i kinda miss it now that my hair's all neat and possibly unflattering.here's an excerpt of my email to zwing this morning.

"i'm not so sure if neat hair is the thing for me.i feel so super mild now too.like my own force of character has somehow disappeared behind a cloak of straight hair.the whole demure look is not working to my advantage when it comes to assertion of self.sigh.HOW."

cham ah.i HAD to do it.yet now that it's kinda permanent for the time being..i'm not sure if this is what i want.aiyo.TWO reunions this week too..dearest wonderline is planning our 4PR gathering for *gasp* this wednesday..and i've somehow managed to gather the class for my *gasp* cell christmas party this friday..and i have to meet clement and robyn tomorrow for FC meeting omg!!! CHAM AH.really CHAM AH! now i have to deal with even more comments about my hair and this and that and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i've brought this upon myself.i don't want my old hair back.but i don't really love this new hair EITHER.怎么办呢!?!?!

but one thing to be happy about is that the 不良笑花 show is damn funny.both dean fujioka (i think) and pan weibo are like 超帅.i don't care how piangster i've become.我太爱他们了!! i also have a thing for yang cheng lin.it's scary but true.as annoying and act cute as she is..she actually really is quite endearing.okay enough taiwan talk.i keep speaking chinese nowadays too.this should have occurred 2 years ago during my chinese A level oral.sadly it didn't and i still remember talking crap to the examiners.from distinction in O levels to merit leh (or was it pass..).my tongue will never get used to chinese la.

okay it's like 2.30 now.need to sleep so that i can face the rest of the week.better brave and awake than discouraged and exhausted. :|

ta. [:

friday night lights.

am going to finish ISWAK tonight.so that i FASTER get started with ISWAK TWO which i heard is so much better.omg.if only i had known they'd spend the entire 20 episodes playing hard to get.i would have just started with season 2 instead of painfully witnessing joe cheng's extremely stoned out character being cold to ariel lin's cute but really dumbass one.wth la.it's beyond unrealistic can.i cannot believe they GOT MARRIED by the end of that really shitty courtship.ugh.but at least they have something to think about.i on the other hand,am not so blissfully alone on a friday night,having spent a morning with a distracted rachel ho and once again going solo for lunch,going home to be pretty much left to my ISWAK,aiya just hanging around by myself.i never really feel bored doing it,but whenever i'm loading something to watch i do feel the sianness of it all.wait so long.i bet everybody is outside having a life whilst i'm inside fighting a cold and wondering if the mosquito bite i picked up today is going to give me dengue.oh gosh.

holidays are pretty sad indeed.

now i can relate to david archuleta.

Do you catch your breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do?
超帅! (:

breakfast at rachel's.

i finally made it out of the house today thanks to ms tan huishuang.i'm really tired out now,after exploring haji lane and ending up back in town by mid-afternoon.may go sleep now so that i can wake up early to find rachel in the morning.perhaps life is returning to normal.or that i'm forcing myself to not be so lazy because she's flying off on 6th and not coming back till almost a month later or something.i'm going to miss her...not that i see her so often.but she's my bestfriend.i love her and will put in the extra effort to get out of the house to see her.

i really like the david archuleta song (thanks lucas!!).i don't even know why.i don't relate to it at all.but the tunes so addictive haha.

going away-ay-ay-ayee-ay.like all my friends.i miss zwing,sam,david and rachel already.

but i will make next week fun,just to enjoy the holidays a bit.

monday: do hair? with hs and trin.
tuesday: robyn's faraway house! with clement and rubez.
wednesday: more FC stuff.
thursday: prepare for cell party.
friday: cell party!
saturday: john's wedding
sunday: either flea market with hs or yc carnival.

i dare you to move like today never happened.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself
Where you gonna go
Where you gonna go
Salvation is here

i am mad.

i'm so incredibly proud of my latest secret blog post that i just have to beautify this blog with a bit of whatever can be shown.going to have an early night otherwise(: church tomorrow!

enjoy.

"This represented...a seismic shift once again in the way he viewed her. It was time for her to go. And, more importantly, it was time for him to stop loving her. He just wished someone could show him how."

i should be sleeping soon if i want to get sufficient rest for tonight.borrowed 8 books from the library to keep me happy and reading for the next 3 weeks or so till christmas.falling sick for sure,throat feels odd,like a wind is passing through,bringing something like a cold along with it.very soon.just hope it isn't serious.but i had to miss tonight's lowest key event.the one i had been looking forward to.there goes yet another chance to pull an all-nighter with my friends.but i'm not young anymore i guess,no more testing my limits.no more supply of peers to hang out with through the night,to talk deep to.

whatever it is,i am growing old.today in the library i felt awkward heading straight for the adult section,since i never used to do so.adult fiction never interested me too much.teenage fiction was safe,cutesy,simple.but when i tried going upstairs to look for a 'young adult' book,i realized that looking for a truly mature yet unexplicit book was going to be a massive task.it's either this or that.i couldn't take stories about 13-16 years olds anymore..but at the same time i still hate stories about married/divorced people (with kids).i really hate stories about grownups with their own families.there should be a corner for people like me,no longer juvenile,but not ready to face the realities of being an adult.i'm 19.i'm at the crossroads of my life.i need stuff to make me think and agree with,yet stuff that challenges my thinking just enough,not blows my mind.

i just told rachel.now i have to read stories about people who are unmarried,without kids,and are lonely.just like me really.perfect.

last night i was so preoccupied chatting that everything profound in my silly little mind more or less diffused into nothingness,or went to hide cleverly in the least bothered corners of my brain...

how do i cure this loneliness? i know it is there no matter how busy i am.no matter how cynical i am...i know i am lonely.but the world's cure to loneliness just doesn't appeal to me.get attached.be emotionally dependent...this can't be all there is to it,can it.

...i don't want anything more from them.i don't want the cure of relationship.i appear to want to live like this forever,problem and solution parallel,never meeting.i am lonely,but i don't want the cure.

why?

...love is wretched thing.not meant for complicated,dramatic,fragile people like me.with me love is intense,frustrating,challenging,insane...exhausting.my love seems to erode the human soul,tear down even the strongest man,render even the wisest tongue silent.i am a force of nature.like the wind,ever-changing,sometimes still and non-existent,at other times raging like an uncontrollable tempest.i hurt people in the process of trying to be with them.

perhaps i am meant to be alone.

goodnight,my darlings.

a case of heroes.

going to sleep already,but cannot wait to watch episode 10 of the embarrassing WHY WHY LOVE tomorrow.what can i say,it's really cute and romantic!!exactly what i'm a sucker for.

slack is the new black.i seem to be very good at doing nothing at all.also hanging out with sam tmr,probably at siglap since he lives there,and i may want to eat the yongtaufoo again :P actually wanted to have lunch with ben,but both my brothers seem to be incredibly good at not being at home.besides that,i'm also too lazy to get out of the house otherwise.

i'm kinda incoherent now because my brain's gone stupid from all the WHY WHY LOVE nonsense,but i was really sad just now when the internet died.i don't know if i was being all dramatic again,thus i did try to control it and not like tell a million people about my supposed misery..but it did make me think and feel of a lot of things.supper with MJ last night reminded me that we have a head to think and a heart to feel,so we shouldn't keep trying to do neither in fear of being hurt or getting complicated.i'm a thinker,a feeler,an expresser.sometimes i guess being so intense does hurt the people around me.because whilst i'm good at flying into a dramatic whirlwind and quickly returning to normal,my family and friends can't take so many shocks and don't recover quite so quickly from my instability.i'm a hazard,really.

i can't and shouldn't complain about not having a hero to willingly come and listen to whatever i decide should burden my heart,but at the same time i'm not sure if such a person even exists besides God.my true hero who always saves the day.today when i was sad i thought about why i didn't have a hero,and felt very lonely,yet it wasn't so much a question of lament as it was a self-reflective thing.i don't actually want anyone to bother about me and my crap,i don't want to hurt any more people with my tempestuous behavior.i change my mind fast about relationships,i make harsh decisions about them,i have some really whacked out concepts about how to deal with them..MJ does marvel at the amount of philosophy i churn out about friendship.sigh.i need to feel in control when it comes to such unpredictable things.i don't like the feeling of being tossed to and fro wherever the tide may turn.i'm a fighter.

fighter.thinker.feeler.

it's best not to come too close.

things to think about.

1. christmas presents

2. december schedule
3. parties to hold
4. goals for next year
5. clearing away term 1 stuff
6. doing hair
7. christmas clothes
8. rain & rach
9. all the love and pain in the world
10. you

don't know why i do.

can't you tell that I'm terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied
by you?

anyway,

i am going to sleep as soon as i finish blogging.today was friday,my little nyonya drama has not started,and therefore my expectations of having at least one thing to look forward to were crushed at precisely 9 pm and my week has been nothing but a mindless cycle of reading tons of biz law material,trying not to get distracted,memorizing a million facts about remedies and vitiating factors and the ever annoying torts,fighting to concentrate and not sleep (which was rather futile at first),hating twc,forcing myself to stop msn-ing/facebooking/msg-ing instead of reading the criminally boring twc notes (which was rather futile throughout),planning my study schedule and surprisingly keeping quite on track..in conclusion,the week was half holiday,half concentration camp.i do hope it's meant to be that way,or i'm kinda screwed for my exams,which start on monday (dread dread dread) and end of wednesday 11 am (i insist on being so precise, since it's such a lovely occurence for it to end BEFORE THE AFTERNOON).ohhhmygosh.and my little nyonya show starts on tuesday!which is gossip girl day!JOY!

okay actually i wanted to blog about the people who are my legacy since i was talking to steph about it today but i'm in no disposition currently to sound affectionate and convicted about my wonderful friends because i'm falling asleep.i will make a list,however,so that i can talk about them next time.

1. rachel
2. david
3. steph
4. trinette olive low

conditional acceptance,for some reason,

4. swan
5. hot sam
6. zwing
7. chook
8. robyn

on waiting list,

8. bimbo tan hs

there's actually alot more that i can think of now but where's the exclusivity in that ;)

email.

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about God. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the mum, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, 'Does anyone know who this is?' In response the little girl said, 'I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died.'

I don't know whether the story's true or not, but it sure is touching. And I totally believe in Jesus.

to our many years of love,baby

i know you love cheesy.that's why you are my reason.

a masked affair.

masquerade
paper faces on parade

And I'm
Screaming into the dark
Searching for an answer
Where do I go from here
And I'm standing still
But I can't catch my breath
Or running fast as I can
But going nowhere
Where do I go from here

-marie digby-

soirée*(:

TBL's annual Christmas party is coming, and a lot of you are invited.

*soirée |swa-reh| an evening party or gathering, typically in a private house, for conversation or music.

the tort of nothing makes me something.

today was quite a successful day of biz law mugging.i am going round in circles with torts,remedies,damages,vitiating factors in my desperation to learn all the new stuff.i also think i have forgotten all the pre-midterms stuff.have 7 days to somehow wing it by monday's exam.cannot wait to be done with that.and twc of course,which is a whole lot more boring but not as stressful.not that biz law itself is not kinda sian.

okay my brain is done with words like ab initio/restitutio in integrum/non est factum/ex parte/prima facie ect cetera ect cetera.i cannot bring myself to read my misrepresentation or torts notes.

i should go to sleep or something.

domokunnnn!(:

who you are to me

i know i haven't been talking to you very much,or reading your letters.i go about my day thinking about alot of things,but i don't really think about you.i know i haven't been meeting up with you or our friends too often,and in fact i dread it quite a bit because you always arrange meetings so early in the morning when i want to just sleep in.we've had such a history together,sometimes i take you for granted knowing you'll always be there for me.all i have to do is call and ask.you'll do anything for me.i know i'm such a bad friend to you.talking to everyone else,assuming you know everything.assuming whatever i have to say is not of any importance to you.i neglect you,put you aside,let you do your own thing whilst i do mine.i message you once or twice a day,telling you i still love you,still need you.yet i never call to talk properly,never set aside time to prove that you mean anything to me.although you do.you are in the deepest corners of my mind,because no matter how busy i am,no matter how far i fall apart from you,what you did for me will never cease to be of such great magnitude.i'm not a fantastic friend i know.i ought to live eternally indebted to you.but i don't act as though i am alive only because of you.you are the sun that shines upon me,the rain that cools my day,the unfailing friend who waits for me day and night.your love is beautiful,unconditional and amazing.you never give up on me,and even though i treat you like you're dispensable you still answer my calls when i'm desperate or miserable.you embrace me for who i am in everlasting love even if all i deserve is a slap across my face for my insolence and disrespect for you.the others will tell you not to take me back for all that i have done that speaks contempt of you,but you silence them,reaching out a hand to me and asking me to come.to put all my hurts and wrongs down and find forgiveness,to leave the life i regret behind and just come back home to you.in you i will find my rest,my peace,and all the love that i have been looking for.then everything i've been questioning will make sense.everything i've wanted to know,you will tell me,and i will finally listen and hear your still small voice.