u an dm e

and I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance
up until now I had sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness
'cos none of it was ever worth the risk

but you are
the only exception

my almost,my might have been,
i thought i was done missing you
but it turns out you seem to be the hardest to forget
i was cured of the misery everyone else brought me
but you are still a very fresh ache,
a very familar pain inside me.
you are the only unfinished business,my friend.
you were the only one i'd loved this way.
i loved you before i knew how to love,
i loved you even when i loved other people.
i loved you without knowing i loved you.
i loved you despite thinking i would never love you.
and in the corner of my psyche,
i miss you everyday.

six feet from the edge.

I hate the part of friendship where you start expecting certain things and responses,and stop being as spontaneous and open and carefree.I hate feeling more bitterly disappointed than delightfully surprised whenever we talk nowadays.I hate caring about what you think about me when I never used to and that then was much happier.I hate having to measure you against the ideal and seeing clearly how far you fall short of it.I hate wanting to talk to you and to spend time with you because it’s as stifling for me as it is for you.I hate how a maturing relationship will ultimately turn one or both of us into people who can’t live without each other.I hate walking our friendship down the road I’ve walked so many times,the one that ends in anger,betrayal and sadness that will linger for many months after we finally stop talking completely.I hate how I’m always more emotionally attached than you,whoever the you may be.I hate how I always hurt longer and feel deeper.I hate knowing you are as indifferent about me as I try to be about you.I hate feeling strangely affectionate about someone after a period of time,because it’s all stupid and pointless and tiring.

And above all that I hate my foolish heart,because it’s always wrong.

i wish we'd never met i'm so tired of goodbyes.

you make me do silly things i thought i'd grown out of,or at least never wanted to do for someone/anyone ever again.

you make me wish i was a better person so i wouldn't feel so guilty for being so unlike you and so much like me.

you make me desperate enough to finally come clean with certain things so you wouldn't get the wrong ideas about me.

and yet after all that i still feel i'm not good enough for you,because someone like you truly deserves the best.

you are such a great person.i never thought i'd actually like someone as good as you.

if you've missed me,if at all,

i'm over at tumblr being all emotional.

please keep in mind that i am not really THAT emo.that site just compels you to be as lyrical as possible.

for the lighter/brighter side of me,follow me on twitter as well.

thus by merging:

1. this blog, which provides a more elaborate/intimate discussion of my life
2. my tumblr, which is the most awesome outlet for all my awesome emo shit (admit it,my prose and poetry and emo self-quotes are good)
3. my facebook, which gives you a glimpse of what i'm like in real life as a friend + how overuploaded the Singakorean photo album is
4. my twitter, which updates you about the unimportant happenings per hour in my life

you can safely say you (still) know me even if you haven't seen me in like forever.

missing you,losing me.

i like to think i'm good at letting go,
honestly i'm just holding onto you from one arm's length away.

maybe one day she'll give you back.

today will be the difference.

yesterday i..

struggled to keep up in MS,
went to bugis
collected my bag
did my eyebrows
browsed through the sale
ate a nice lunch
did my homework in croom
went for cardiodance
had a nice dinner
got stopped by God for a life change.

today will be the difference.

one day i will pervade your world.

you will look for me,
you will find me,
you will love me,
and you will lose me.

i love you because i don't know what else to do with you.

on the bus

it's easy to assess your life on an irritatingly crowded bus, with an old favorite song drowning out the noise and an ipod in hand.

summer's over, just like that. gone. with a sign on it's door saying "be back next year".

it was a packed summer. slacking in april, driving in may, 80 hours of CSP in june, work the whole of july (and more). so neat, so easy to categorize. so very convenient should anyone ask how it all was for me.

so apparently fulfilled.

yet every morning and every evening when i get on the bus, ipod blasting and without a worry about my worries, i never actually sink into sighs of fulfillment as memories of summer float by me.

i'm tired. i'm still not happy with things. worst of all, i'm seriously unhappy.

to be both not happy (i.e. satisfied) as well as unhappy (i.e. miserable) is not exactly the prettiest of situations. euphermeral joys i have, i mean, i really love the kids. but beyond that, when i examine my life.. things aren't great. summer wasn't great. i'm not sure if it could have been better, but it definitely was not a perfect version of what it already has come to be.

gosh. the way i just sit on the bus and wonder how it all turned out this way. and to know all the answers yet continue asking why. until now it's so hard to accept that i can't even find it within me to cry. it's like it never happened.

but has.

"You thought I loved you..." A tear rolls down her wet cheek.

He realizes he's crying too. He wants to say he's sorry. But the door shuts behind her final words.

"I can't believe I did."

you did this.

i'm okay
i'm in pieces but okay
you broke me
i'm cleaning up so it's okay
broken, but i'm okay
may never be unbroken,
but it's okay.

I MUST WATCH..

1. Family Outing
2. Love Letter
3. X-Man
4. Manwon Happiness
5. More Infinity Challenge

2.5 more months of holidays only!!!!! i don't really have to work, i just gotta settle driving and CIP..............therefore, i quote MC Yoo:

GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the greatest thing you'll ever learn

freedom can be to die for,yet after a certain amount of enjoyment it all lapses into an unfortunate state of really pathetic.i don't know what to say for myself.summer is just slipping through my fingers,and all i can do is sleep for many many hours and once in a while wake up to think 'oh shit one more day is gone'.

i am doing nothing with my summer.except maybe watch alot of infinity challenge and occasionally go out with the bunch of never changing friends who do basically the same thing.which is either shop,eat,try to exercise,but mainly the most popular choice of sit-and-gossip.and some variation of that for every new outing.

or maybe it's just me.to me,everything i,or people in general, do is kinda useless.for some reason has no effect on me.maybe i'm just too occupied with making my summer count without having the slightest idea how it IS going to count.watching videos? no.hanging out with friends? somehow...no.being completely free? NO! i don't know!!! perhaps i wasn't even made for summers!!!!! i just can't handle them!!! i am most alive when DREAMING about summer.when i'm so busy with school i LONG for summer to come.but never when the dream is actually fulfilled!!! OMG!!!! i think i live for dreaming,but never for the reality of my dreams themselves.

to think my mother couldn't be more accurate when she said of me years ago...this child is a real dreamer.

nothing's changed except us.

it's pleasantly dramatic to think we cannot move on from the people we used to love.so beautifully,painfully romantic and the inspiration of all successful sad love songs.but because i'm 20,i think the real pain comes when you look into his face years later,hear him whisper her name,and realize he wasn't the only one who moved on.

we all can move on,unlike what they tell us.

but,thankfully,that's even more heartbreaking to know.

how long can i live this way

it's funny how loneliness just creeps up on you and reminds you that being alone has its repercussions, and loneliness just happens to be on the guest list. from living on high drama and emotional rollercoasters to slumming it out in the uneventful suburbian wasteland of predictability and never-ending free time... the life i thought i was finally going to have after term ended is quickly eroding as an all too simple facade for no-life. when you wander like a lost soul waiting to be found, everything that happens to you seems to bring you hope. too much work could serve as a useful distraction from being emotionally alone, yet too much work could also drive your fatigued mind to make a foolish escape into fantasy or worse still, paranoia. too little work on the other hand ironically does the same thing. work never killed anyone but neither does it seem to cure anyone either. honestly i'm just sick of sitting around hoping that i'll stop being what is essentially lonely. i'm also sick of not sitting around because i'm doing the exact same thing anyway. i've been living so much in my head these days i finally came to the conclusion that perhaps i'm just really tired of hanging out aimlessly in this place called me and would very much prefer to move to a location known very simply as someone else's heart.

although it seems like you never happened, i hope you do, again.

el oh vee what?

i ought to get off my poor laptop soon and let it rest.it has been up since early last night trying to convert the stupid bbf videos into ipod format,but i'm guessing it remained on the whole night despite having the conversion crash halfway because my computer smartly ran out of space (after all the crap i've dumped into it).i'm sure most of you have seen my desktop.it is a huge mess.and that's just the tip of the iceberg.i've used up 116 gig worth of harddisk over the first year of my mac's life.so much crap.i deleted mostly everything btw,so don't expect to be getting any secondhand notes from me.nothing of SMU year 1 exists anymore in my computer.i just had to free up space (managed to free up about 50 gig after 5 intensive hours of cleanup).also managed to FINALLY finish converting the 10 bbf videos after 10 hours of waiting and having a super laggy internet due to low computer power.i only have 10 because,as you may have heard,mc's 6 year old computer died the minute we finished sending only 10 videos.she's in seoul now having the time of her (and possibly every korean fan's) life.she bought me kim bum socks too. [:

anyway summer has been pretty awesome.have done baking,watching alot of ss501,getting bbf (or at least half the episodes),hanging out with friends (trinette,bim tan,mc),watching as much tv as i want,being completely FREE...okay so i am crossing my fingers that i get the korean job (no sound from them yet..but they said tomorrow is the day they'll let me know....),not that i really want a job because currently slacking is so much more appealing (SO MANY SHOWS SO MUCH TIME......as long as i don't have a job).but i guess the reality of things is that i DO need a job (no time for a full-time with all that stupid driving).this one sounds like,better than nothing already.

80 hours cip is also looming in the very unpleasant near future.not sure how i'm going to conquer THAT.

btw holidays are not that fun since nus people are still having their 2 week long study/exam sessions.gosh it's really so late compared to us.we have the longest summers ever.not that i'm complaining.really need to get down to watch FTLY and ANTM.the length of my freedom is so extensive that i really hope i don't screw up and end up having a very unmeaningful time.i should pray about these 4 months actually.

oh plus my birthday is coming soon!!! not sure how i want it to be this year,but since i'm trying to save money for my parents so that they'll remunerate me in some monetary form so that i can go overseas and R&R instead,looks like i'm most probably not going to be throwing my usual birthday party.awww.they are fun.but also expensive to hold!!

alot of writing nudges have been coming to me from my real life experiences.i think i should also start on my little private project soon.it's interesting how you have a certain idea for a storyline,and then bits of the plot start happening to you for real.i'm not sure whether i'm right,but i like to think that they're God's little way of helping me understand what it feels like so that i can write about it on behalf of my characters in the most accurate way possible.it's like an adventure for me as well as them hahaha.

okay i should be off to bed now.should i go for crusade tomorrow? claud and trin are going.......

btw i love ss501.

hyunjoong.jungmin.kyujong.yongsaeng.hyungjun.

major love.

welcome home summer bummer.

I AM BACK after a VERY LONG HIATUS.ah,can finally say this wholeheartedly:

SCHOOL'S OUT,SCREAM AND SHOUT!!!!!

a whole term of awesome new friends,quite a damn lot of fun,a very nice amount of slacking,unexpected victories and three final weeks of presentations,halfhearted mugging and exams that couldn't be more OVER.

awesomeness.SUMMER IS HERE.

actually very stressed out over summer schedule,but i'm praying for God to just put it all nicely together so that i can complete my driving successfully by june,have an interesting job experience that isn't too stressful in any way,and do everything summer was created to be for.

am supposed to make a list before i sleep,so that my first day of summer will be full of purpose and stuff to look forward to.i am already booked for the day,with sleeping in (FINALLY BACK TO BED AND GOOD OLD UNINHIBITED-BY-INSOMIA-AND-PRE-SUMMER-STRESS SLEEP),shopping with huishuang (no more bkk for the time being,so time to splurge a bit in faithful orchard road),BAKING (YESSSSS) with her later at night,meeting MC to get everyone's much awaited copy of the most amazing korean show ever,and basically just having nothing better to do than have loads of summer fun.

so this is the list of things i should do:

1. finish watching fated to love you (watched halfway only)
2. start on ANTM cycle 12 (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!)
3. watch several korean movies,and of course other movies that are good (that i missed,thanks to SMU's fantastic timetable)
4. finish driving and hopefully also have a job
5. master the art of baking
6. get started on some SERIOUS WRITING that is overdue by a few years.

oh wait must mention this before i continue.there's this Korean guy called A.J. trying to debut as the Next Rain.he's also only my age! ridiculous he even looks kinda like Rain but definitely does NOT have Rain's body or absolutely sexiness.can't believe it! his dancing is like Rain's!!!! urgh.everybody wants to be Rain.as much as i don't really like Rain that much anymore because he's getting rather old and also overrated,he's really a unique brand all by himself.the voice,the dancing,the whole ego thing.on a happier and less disgusted note,Lee Joon Ki (my second most favorite actor next to rain,as of 2 years ago before kimbum came along and stole my heart from them) is ALSO trying to break out into the music/dance/pop/Rain scene!!! another one with dance moves that look suspiciously like Rain's,gloves and ego thing included.just that Rain doesn't wear eyeliner.i love Lee Joon Ki's eye makeup though! must go get myself some good kohl and try it out.also immediately forgave Joon Ki's attempt to be the Next Rain (unlike my complete disgust at A.J.) because Lee Joon Ki IS a brilliant actor.brilliantly hot,if i may add.

okay back to the list:

7. have some form of a getaway/escape to just relaxxx.
8. buy new clothes,somehow.hope bkk clears up its mess asap.
9. in the meantime,clear up MY mess (both my room AND my computer)
10. in charge of FC's next event!!!
11. am supposed to join worship team
12. crusade camp preparations!!!
13. i cannot believe i forgot to say this earlier.....EIGHTY #*@&@^#* HOURS OF CIP.
14. attend SS501 asian tour concert HAHAHA (a dream of mine)
15. meet up with a14 when they're finally done with THEIR exams...a14 sleepover/camp 09
16. hang out a lot with bim/swannie/stepho/trin/zwing (HOORAY)/racho
17. celebrate my 20th birthday in a DIFFERENT way this year please,no more crazy house parties
18. finally have scgs reunion with rowe/shu/shan/ryl/marilyn/everyone else at ms goh's
19. watch at least 2-3 GOOD dramas
20. HOW COULD I FORGET.WATCH ALL EPISODES OF WGM WITH KHJ IN IT.
21. distribute copies of BBF to claud/rubez/racho/trin/all other unsuspecting victims
22. READ at least 4-5 amazing books.discover new talented authors! [:
23. maybe stop being sian of gossip girl and continue watching.
24. sleep a lot.
25. NOT eat a lot.
26. complete this list tomorrow.

okay kinda sleepy now.hoping to regain my sleeping pattern (9-10 hours a day and NO PROBLEMS falling asleep) that i lost a few days ago.brain is definitely functioning at like less than 1% worth of battery.

hopefully it'll be a GOOD night tonight [: GOOD NIGHT!!! HAPPY SUMMER!!!

i sleep,i wake,i dream,i write.

Thou shalt not fail as a writer
because the very act of writing is the best protection
from the madness of the
world.

- Charles Bukowski -

returning to blog soon! [:

pieces of the life i had before

you tell me i have you
you're there for me too
we're in each other's hearts
each other's lives
but i still miss you
you don't understand
that when i say that
i really mean
that i miss the times
when you were mine
and mine alone.

goodnight.

well,

when you go,
would you have the guts to say
i don't love you,
like i did
yesterday

of all bad scripts,

"I'm in love with her," he said. "Please don't wait up for me tonight. Nor tomorrow, nor the day after."

"I figured." she said. "I figured you weren't quite ready to come home."

"I am not."

"You are free to do as you please."

"I am."

"I know you may never come back."

He sighed. "I most probably never will. Stop doing this to yourself. It is very silly."

She sighed. "Nothing has ever made more sense. But don't mind me. I too, am free to do as I please."

"You are. But don't do this."

"I love you."

"Don't."

"More than you will ever know."

"Then fall out of love with me, I beg you."

Her voice fell with her gaze. "You know that is impossible when it comes to you."