life can't be just like that

life is cruelly ironic.in order to have something,you have to give up something else.in order to have one day,you give up many more.a week in exchange for 3 years.this was one tough week.more than i ever bargained for.a sheer overdose of Duane.and it was surreal,really,just sitting there marveling at myself and how far i've come.what i have gone through just to get here.tears,fatigue,perseverance,complaining,determination,prayer,power,love.

i don't know why i didn't even feel sad at all when D said he was leaving.up till today,i still was in a state of okay,so what.like i just felt it wldn make a difference whether he stayed or left.but as the days wore on and the video started coming tgt reality just starts sinking in and the handsome face i had been staring at nonchalantly for the past hours began to stir memory and meaning once again in me.all that stuff i chucked away and cleanly forgot about in some rebellious attempt to stop being stupid and delusioned fell right out of the cupboard onto my feet,figuratively speaking.

actually it was seeing D again tonight and saying goodbye formally.thinking about it the good old D i hadn't talked to in ages simply resurfaced and suddenly i knew that guy again.i knew him,i know him.i know finally,then,now,that this is the guy i am saying goodbye to.i have to say goodbye once again to.

maybe i'm not so relieved and ecstatic that the party week is over after all.

i fell sick,i got so many pimples,i was so tired out everyday,i lugged my laptop equipment from kembangan to serangoon by foot and by bus,i endured emotional torment and struggle,i used up so much heart and soul to give my very best,i risked our slowly mending friendship,i allowed myself to plunge back into dangerous waters.

but it was all worth it.the sacrifice for you always made sense in the deepest closets of my soul, Duane Ho J.H.

you have a great trip.