i'm losing it.i'm losing hold of my misery and my wallowing in it.i can feel it because it's like a huge tide that has been washing over me for the past couple of months and finally,finally it feels like it's pulling back where it belongs.out there at sea...back where it wants to go,and has gone.
but instead of moving on with a brand new breath of fresh air,a new history to be made,i seem to be falling back into the deeper past,back to where i thought i wld never go again.how can it be that i am forgetting yesterday's burden as though it has just slipped away and will never again be anything substantial in my life? how can i just let go like this? and where on earth am i going in this whacked out solitude?
why,WHY am i,back where i began almost 7 years ago? what IS this? this can't possibly be a TV show that gives me all freedom to live a perfectly dramatic life without any emotional consequences.this isn't what i wanted when i prayed to be free.it's like i have u-turned and gone straight back to childhood.my childhood.the one that i assumed i was free of.i left you behind.i needed and still need to.
but here i am,toying stupidly with the idea of doing sth abt the past,right now in the present.i mean it's the question i've always wanted an answer to,what would you have done? but perhaps when i do get the answer,it won't be as great as i've always hoped it wld be.i won't be surprised.or maybe i will,because it'll be so...realistically predictable.you'll have the same reply i suspected you would have had 7 years ago.which is why i never told you then,and should probably never ever tell you now.
i don't know what it is.maybe it's in the way you make me snort and smile at the mention of you all at the same time.maybe it's how you sometimes have a lot to say to me for once and i find you then so amazingly funny.maybe it's how on other and most occasions you are at a loss of what to say to me because we're such lousy friends and we just sit in silence as an alternative to making painful conversation.maybe it's how i ponder over our terrible,terrible friendship and why it's been in such a state for years but still believe things are somehow working out.maybe it's because i realized after reading through some old documents i found that you really cherish me.maybe it's how i've misunderstood you this whole time and had such a pitiful misconception of you that i always put myself down in context to you.or maybe i could be just wrong about all this,and we can never mean more to each other than whatever we can guess now.
i sat on the bus today and listened to you and me by lifehouse instead of skipping it for once.i came to the conclusion that i've just spent way too long loving you at arm's length away so things don't get messy between us.my heart may not skip a beat anymore,i may not want to message you so badly anymore,we may not have to think of proper conversation anymore.i just slip into my space on your wall of life and you into mine,and i love you simply,shyly but confidently,out of this bad old habit i can't seem to kick.
gosh i am such a basket case.
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