flux.

i cannot say this more.i love the coffee prince like crazy.by the 12th episode things are happy and not gay anymore.i can't believe how much you can learn about human relationships from dumb shows like these.but i definitely learnt something or another.

today was a mixture of things..rockclimbing/watching more CP in office whilst darryl watched his naruto/fighting with that idiot brother of mine/watching more CP at home and totally enjoying how lovey-dovey it all is..gosh what a day.but i hate reciting my life as if its so interesting,even though it is,so i shan't continue.

yesterday steph and i were discussing about the type of love that we give,love languages and stuff.what's interesting is how i had one of those moments where i speak my heart out in the most poignant of manners such that even i find it worth remembering.

my language of love is in giving of what i see as deserving to the ones i deeply treasure.be it in words,letters,notes,gifts,food,i take all these seriously and don't just give for the sake of it.i give only what i see as best for the person receiving.if i say something i say it from the deepest recesses of my heart to the best of my ability,hoping that my emotion will be felt and understood.for those who have ever gotten anything from me,it was all well thought out and served with a great measure of sincerity and love.

i love with a bittersweet love.as i was recalling the people i have loved over the years,and by this i really mean love wholly and truly,i realize i love in tears and pain and earnesty.i know it sounds all silly and foolish,but if you bring me to the point of plain old love and i'm thoroughly convinced that i do love you with all my mind and heart,i just do.i give even more,i pour myself out without considering the consequences of this love never returning to me.

it must be stupid to expect,even if it is the slightest bit,any of these back.of course i am not so childish to demand and sulk if i never am repaid in a certain sense for what i do for others.definitely not.but i think that somewhere inside me i'm always waiting,hoping that someone will realize that people do love to be loved.david tells me i'm not desperate enough in a way,such that most people don't see the side of me that wants and needs someone else to love me,just as everyone does.

i've been thinking about what he said these few days while he's off in new york enjoying life.i'm in a state of flux,is that what you call a state-change? i'm moving on,moving around,finding my way.i've more or less forgotten what's gone on in the past few months.i've long forgotten about what happened 2 years ago..it's like a long-gone era that holds no more memory.i've forgotten all the details.i now only remember a few names that once held,and maybe still hold,meaning.the years of wonder and excitement,embarrassment and growth.all culminating to who i am today.i,from the over-enthusiastic short-haired girl with the terrible dress sense,to the sometimes jaded and emotional but always sparked up with a sense of humor very old teenager.who would have thought how things would have turned out,the names that stay put and the names that drift far away.

we're all in a flux at some point in our lives.moving in,moving out.caught in suspension from time to time.i feel like i am,now.unemotional.self-confident.lapsing between ecstasy from the joys of life and cynicism from the simultaneous pains of it.ah.

what else can i say.i am 19 and i still don't know who i love.