but,not having to work also has its very bad points such as being available for nagging at as long as i remain at home,wasting away in front of the computer either watching CSI or ANTM,having 4 borrowed books i'm supposed to finish but it seems like iv got all the time in the world so i am not reading like i should be,and if i'm not proactive in creating useful things for my time,nothing happens at all.i'm free and completely wasted.
it happened today,since this whole week i've been more or less just totally free as opposed to last week when i was like just back from bangkok and tying up loose ends in the office,settling into life without work.so yeah,it's friday ALREADY and camp facilitator just called to remind me i HAVE CAMPS all through the next two weeks.am totally DREADING them but i guess what more can i do with myself these days? i ironically need school to pull me back to life.i can't run from it forever.anyhow,little problems such as loneliness and boredom are threatening to trip me into other sorts of larger problems that i really do not want to deal with.want to know what they are? speak to me personally if you're steph,zwing,swan or rachel.otherwise don't bother.
can't say that alot has been on my mind,because it's just filled with CSI/ANTM/FREE TIME,so i'm just making my life up as i go along in some odd manner.and this is the first..or maybe second day that i'm just throwing to the wind.not doing something just feels so wrong.it's like i'm open to all sorts of potential issues just waiting to happen.especially when i'm hearing about people's problems and stuff and i'm forced to somehow reconcile all that to myself and wonder when's my own turn (since i just got out of a few serious ones).like to me,people's problems,though they feel like they could very well be my own,may just one day be mine.and i'm going to have to deal with that.but i think that whole 'in flux' thing and emptiness of emotion's all still here.i'm still suspended in transition,my foot's slightly caught in older issues yet i'm still bravely stepping forth into the future.as a result i'm like going no where at all.i'm not colliding into anything new and refreshing,neither am i wallowing in something old and so over.i can barely believe my life is dramatic anymore.if anything it is dramatically not happening.
i mean life used to be very vibrant and active,things just keep rolling and happening and i used to have to be constantly on the ball.emotions just flowing in and out and through me like fuel keeping the crazy engine of my whole life going.i had great camera moments when people all around me just work together so well and have so much fun together,i had moments when i was very self-aware that i was depressed/sad/moody.but i'm not that sure about myself anymore.i don't know if you'll call that self doubt,but alot of times these few months i'm just a bit of this and that all put together.never too happy,never too sad.except maybe for that one time last week when i was really down and out.but that really sucked.that was a real huge problem,not one that is in some way delightful at all.never want to live through that again.
but it's not like i want to live through my past problems again just because i found certain beauty and memory in them.maybe because they involved people who weren't family,people whom i felt i could write stories about and actually re-read those stories and feel warm even though they weren't always pleasant.remember those painful times fondly yes,but not live through them again.don't think anyone will get what i mean by that,but if you want an explanation,again,speak to me personally.
i'm kinda like an optimist,so i'm not willing to say that hey i concede defeat my life has ceased to exude quality and enigma like it used to.in fact,despite my mounting dread of next week's kill-me-slowly camps,i'm willing to hold faint belief that uni life will fire up my lacklustre life as it is now.meeting up with kl and finding out we're in all our camps together definitely helped alot.knowing that school holds so much promise and energy also helps.being able to finally get out of this holiday thing with its little fevers and delusions is good news too.my mind only has 2 more days to wander.i'm moving on babes!
teeth have also stopped hurting so much.a little sore still but at least i can more or less eat properly now.last night darryl and i went cycling and stupidly (though half deliberately) got caught in the rain.think it was good though.i loved the quietness of eastcoast (so rare) and the chilly winds that were lingering with the rain,and even the familiar company of my dear best guy friend whom i so love and hate all at the same time.i don't think i've encountered anyone who so truly makes me mad and appreciated one after another in the same sequence.one minute we're goofing off the next he's sulking and i'm pissed off suddenly we make up and he's making me laugh even though i'm appalled at his behavior and then all over again i've hurt his feelings and he's yelling at me which makes me yell back.......over and over and over until we're too tired to say sorry anymore and just sit in weirdly happy silence.it takes so much effort being your bestfriend darryl you better appreciate what i'm doing.
AHHHHHHH should i just be happy with what i'm doing with my pathetic life now??
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