where do i stand?

when i become devoted to a certain thing and its completion/fulfillment,my entire life grinds to an uncomfortable standstill.a stuttering sort of halt,one that stumbles over the force of inertia as i find myself focussing on only that thing,willing it to come to pass so that i can get over it.and i am strangely unable to really forget it before it arrives,and although i do try to get on with life and think about the rest of my duties as a person,i can't.

with the QET i just couldn't have as much fun,be as carefree,be as happy and uninhibited.now with the BK trip looming in 4 days,i can't focus on the things that are even more important actually - preparing to say goodbye to my colleagues in a fashion that is characteristically me,which would involve heartfelt notes and pretty farewell gifts.matriculation tomorrow is already killing me at the thought of it.i want it all to just come and go,go away so that i can live my life in the usual wild abandon.no prepared plans,no idea what will happen,but whatever happens tomorrow i will take up happily because i didn't know about it forehand.especially if its something like the QET,which sucks.i hate tests/interviews/workshops.anything that holds me down.

which is why i have a nagging suspicion as to why i can't seem to just let go of certain issues/persons in my life.because to me there are unresolved matters at hand,things that i have yet to accomplish/find out.things that i want to know so that i can get over whatever they are and move on with my oliving (as replacement of swear word) life.

i don't know if i have a problem,or if its just the lack of one.today during altar call i was seriously wondering if i had a problem at all.because i just feel like i don't have any major ones.nothing that's making me cry at night,burdening me through the day.nothing.state of flux.no motion.no emotion.no long term problems that bug me.maybe having no problems is a problem.i'm just stressed having to consider that school is starting,bangkok trip is coming,work is ending,projects still not complete,life is not totally in order yet.and will not be,i'm guessing,once school starts.so much to get in order.but that's just the way it is.it's not like causing me to go mental (HAHA to all those who know what i mean),or like,be some complete basketcase (as usual).just don't like knowing that things are unresolved.new routines are going to be introduced.shifting out of the old ones that i had just grown used to.i mean,these really aren't world-crashing-down problems.they're just,part of life as it is for me.and the good old me just wants to sit back and not have a care in the world.live on an island and just not care.

anyway tomorrow's monday.start of a rushed and probably damn stressful week.uggghhhh have the monday blues just thinking about it already!!!!!!!!!!i want my retreat!!!!!!!!!!!!i don't want people to make me do anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i want to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!