tell those in love to stop being dramatic

haven't been blogging since i've been sufficiently occupied watching gossip girl or reading.don't really know what to say either,for a fact.as i've said before,i'm still in flux.i'm caught in a transition period of waiting/wondering/wandering,and as darryl puts it,i've run dry.this emotional desert is to a certain,subtle extent draining and frustrating.it's left me unstable,thirsting and slightly delirious.i need a change of environment.maybe i should go on a retreat after the bangkok trip.something affordable,in cool weather,and relaxing.

i need to get my mind in the right place.i have to stop dreading my QET,stop dreading school,stop dreading things i don't enjoy very much.i want to get away from all this and pretend no one in the world exists except me and some nice kind people.

can think of a few people whom i'd be happy to have with me,and some people i will kinda gladly have nothing to do with for the next few weeks.maybe i'll start fasting every few days of the week.i think i need to retreat with God.

something i ought to be slightly proud of.

take a brief look at one of the few acknowledged pieces of writing i've ever done.nothing fantastic,but okay la.

anyway sorry about not blogging since forever,will update a bit more when i'm finally not reading the 6 books i borrowed from library or watching gossip girl.or any other movie.

just for the sake of repeating myself,i watched the devil wears prada (4 stars),sweeney todd (2.5 stars),the other boleyn girl (2.5 stars),get smart (4 stars,only because it was super funny),penelope (3.5 stars,should be 4 but loses 0.5 because abit sketchy).....last week.and 8 episodes of gossip girl on sunday (4 stars,pretty entertaining,if not a bit brainless).

kungfu panda tonight.

wanted is coming out on the 26th! cannot wait.

movies coming out that i want to watch:

1. wanted

2. the curious case of benjamin button

3. sisterhood of travelling pants 2

4. the house bunny

5. baby mama

and alot of other trailers my macbook frontrow has to offer.

the married guy i'm in love with.mr james mcavoy(:

hokkaido(:

beautiful seaside that smelt like lavender.

another shot.

one of many fake bears in hokkaido.

ooh,bear.

me in aeroplane.

my tai tai's night out in the kimono thingy.

mum and i during first very jap dinner.

and again.looking very fresh out of the hot spring.

look very stupid but the volcano behind me was cool.

another stupid shot with the volcano behind..

during some random toilet break in the middle of nowhere.

very proud of this wide-angle shot of lake toya,a crater lake.

poor morning attempt at posing with lake toya (since i look hideous),which i only realized was a crater lake about 24 hours after living in that hotel.

nice fireworks display that went on for half an hour on lake toya at night.beautifulllll.

one of the many stupid shots i just had to take in the kimono thingy we had to wear around.

see the waterfall behind me?

flowers at the sake brewery.

pretty bridge and scenery at the brewery.

beautiful scenery at one of our pitstops.sadly i only have one kungfu photo as my mum refused to indulge in my so-called attention-grabbing ways after this photo.

surprisingly pretty shot against the sky taken by mum.

nice flower garden (:

one of the old chocolate posters at the museum/factory.

chocolate ornament thingies.

fake horse-drawn carriage.

pinocchio.

nice comfy bed,my favourite.

atoneeeeement.love love love james mcavoy.

i look gross but it's a cool pic of the zebra crossing.

it's kungfu panda,which i really wanna watch!

tiny village for tiny person.

the people i went with,as well as my pretty psycho but very funny tour guides.

you can imagine how i actually tried to tear this out of the aeroplane's magazine but too many people were watching so i gave up.

i love the background but i think i look a bit crappy in this photo.

happy musical box museum (:

very cute frogs to show my brother.

Georgia, I'll be chasing you the rest of my life.

Georgia, you know that you've been on my mind
Georgia, we both learned to compromise
I'll be there for you
When everybody's coming unglued
I'll be there for you
I won't say you have to choose

I don't want to let you go
And I don't want to lose you slowly
I just want to let you know
That it's only just a little back and forth lately

- Georgia by Hanson

love love love the hanson brothers way more than i love the jonas brothers.and today i finished watching ALL coffee prince episodes finally and i am super in love with the series.i loved it thoroughly.watching the behind the scenes (director is a woman,whoots.) made me feel all nostalgic about not being able to go to mass comm and really experience such fun for myself,because i know how much fun and human bonding there is in the whole process of filming,directing,acting..amazing chemistry that always pops up on set that drives you to an inexplicable emotional high..gosh.i will be missing all that by not getting into mass comm.i so desperately WANT to do all that.but of course,education is education and i don't want to waste my parents' money doing something that may not get me anywhere,leaves me with not much choice of career and doesn't really get everyone's approval in the first place.all my dreams will have to wait.

oh my gosh filming is so damn fun i hope someone gives me a fun drama to film soon.for church or something. (: the last thing i did was the smash thing which was so long ago.but so fun and dramatic man haha.i think the actors had a great time,while i did all the stressing out and sniggering behind the camera.can't believe i'm saying this,but i wanna do another chook's house video!!

and now that reminds me..as long as my external hard drive remains dead,i will never be able to get my videos back to watch.though i think random people have copies of it.and some are on youtube.oh well.

must go add more songs to imeem playlist now.

oh and hokkaido was okay,ask me about it.

narnia has hot guys!

payday dinner (PDD) always rocks my socks i have to say.

side note,ignore promptly

i cannot help but suspect that i exist in the smallest corner of your life,no matter how long i've been there,and no matter how i pour myself out over and over again my allocated space never gets any bigger.i live secluded on my little side,wondering what's going on at the rest of your party,who's invited,why i am not.i complain from time to time,saying you never share your stories the way i do,never tell me a thing despite all that i've told you.you'll hang your head in shame and accuse me of putting you in a spot,something friends shouldn't do.when the moon is blue you suddenly interrupt my usual ranting to thank me for never giving up on you,always persevering to be your friend,that i look great and i'm great and everything we are is great.in that moment i'm caught so way off guard it's like you've just ambushed me in mid-sentence with a mind-blowing kiss and i stumble over my determination never to fall in love with you.but of course,i possibly already am by then and even more possibly may have been for my entire teenage life.i love you.oh gosh.it's like an elizabeth bennet loves the annoying mr darcy experience.but suddenly i'm back in my isolation booth,and you're off romancing the rest of the world without a hint of recognition of me again.My word do i simply marvel at our everlasting love.

the jane austen book club

who's going to watch both becoming jane and the jane austen book club again with me before i return them on monday? zwing's not around.gosh i'm dying to share this with someone i love those 2 shows.

i am going to start reading pride and prejudice again,before i embark on the rest of the 5..emma,mansfield park,persuasion,sense and sensibility and northanger abby.so excited.austen writes some of the best literature i must say,especially on human relationships and love.

will name all my future children with names starting with A,in honor of austen and her fantastic writing.am not too extreme as to name them after austen characters though.i thought of a few good 'A' names yesterday,with the help of baby name websites.

for the boys - Austen (in pure honor of jane..), Asher (like in the bible..my favourite name out of all the other brothers)...and if i end up having more boys, possibly Angelo or Aaron.i like Ashton but it's too Ashton Kutcher for me.

for the girls - Amelie (like the french movie), Aaris (super nice name,like a little girl i once made friends with)...and if i end up having more girls, possibly Allegra or Aarin (like,erin).maybe even Ailie.

no,i am not expecting.

i just cannot wait to actually have to name people. (:

very sad,very austen

watching becoming jane was simply uplifting.although i'm not as pretty as anne hathaway,i'm hoping jane herself wasn't that pretty so that i can relate to her as struggling author better.whatever the case i was actually brought to tears at one point during the movie when tom lefroy confessed his inability to live without jane despite being forcefully engaged to someone else after breaking up with her once and there was so much emotion put forth in that scene it invoked deep pains within me.when such occurrences happen i do either one of two things - cry, or write.

actually now i'm writing so that means i'm doing the second as well, not just the first.

jane refused to marry absolute toots for their money despite her family's poverty,but at the same time she was unable to bring herself to elope with tom lefroy because it would have destroyed both their families at once.in an act of sacrifice and bittersweet love,she gave him up for a lifetime of singleness whilst he got married and had children.the injustice!

but of course,she did write 6 of the english language's finest literature books.which i have also come to enjoy immensely because of her wit and fantastic sense of romance.shall i one day become jane?

but where's my tom lefroy,to begin with!!!? literary greatness begins with a single episode of tortured love,and everything else stems more or less solely from there.i've said this before - even if i were to be doomed to a lifetime of singleness like jane,where i shall write/type my fingers off to support lonely self,i at least need to fall madly in love (AND be loved in return,of course) at least once.

i think my writer's soul will be fulfilled only then.but fulfilled,indeed.

a tissue for your issue

i have both issues and tissues.and a dreamy vision of me rewinding some old videos after procrastinating for months and crying while watching all too familiar memories unfold.then i'll forget my current problems and realize i've been trespassing on a future that is not mine for too long,possibly will say something like "you brought me back" like a dramatic fool.

then collapse into the past as it embraces me and whimper "i'm sorry i left" to whoever's listening.

i will go home one day,perhaps.

你不在 by Wang Lee Hom

当世界只剩下这床头灯

你那边是早晨已经出门

我侧身感到你在转身

无数陌生人正在等下一个绿灯

一再错身彼此脆弱的时分

如果渴望一个吻的余温

我关了灯黑暗把我拼吞

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白般难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤在偷偷好起来

但你不在不在

时间再按下许多次快门

沉默里听见转动的秒针

一个人吃饭这个凌晨

孤单一人份

你低声说你有别人

我的话筒只有自己的体温

怎样认真也不一定成真

你说的对我不得不承认

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白的难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤再偷偷好起来但你不在

那些摇摆我都明白都明白

但你不在爱已不在不在

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

一个人分饰两角的恋爱

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

像空气般不存在的存在

再没有痕迹的爱你不在

当我需要你的爱你不在

this song is so romantic i could die listening to it.

look at the stupid time

after reading bridget jones' diary i realize there's no better way to express myself but in formidably bitchy edgy british english.

also specially switched on my macbook to type david a not-as-long-as-previous-email email that sounded much better and edgier than the first.

i can't believe i have so much unhappiness bearing down upon my heart but was still able to come across as sharply amused by current bad situation.not to mention hysterically witty. 

really am in dire need of a tolerant ear.bah.

moving away from my feigned poshness,i can only say: david come back leh.

colorgenics makes certain sense

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm Tender Care).

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. 

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You don't like conflict and you endeavor to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

flux.

i cannot say this more.i love the coffee prince like crazy.by the 12th episode things are happy and not gay anymore.i can't believe how much you can learn about human relationships from dumb shows like these.but i definitely learnt something or another.

today was a mixture of things..rockclimbing/watching more CP in office whilst darryl watched his naruto/fighting with that idiot brother of mine/watching more CP at home and totally enjoying how lovey-dovey it all is..gosh what a day.but i hate reciting my life as if its so interesting,even though it is,so i shan't continue.

yesterday steph and i were discussing about the type of love that we give,love languages and stuff.what's interesting is how i had one of those moments where i speak my heart out in the most poignant of manners such that even i find it worth remembering.

my language of love is in giving of what i see as deserving to the ones i deeply treasure.be it in words,letters,notes,gifts,food,i take all these seriously and don't just give for the sake of it.i give only what i see as best for the person receiving.if i say something i say it from the deepest recesses of my heart to the best of my ability,hoping that my emotion will be felt and understood.for those who have ever gotten anything from me,it was all well thought out and served with a great measure of sincerity and love.

i love with a bittersweet love.as i was recalling the people i have loved over the years,and by this i really mean love wholly and truly,i realize i love in tears and pain and earnesty.i know it sounds all silly and foolish,but if you bring me to the point of plain old love and i'm thoroughly convinced that i do love you with all my mind and heart,i just do.i give even more,i pour myself out without considering the consequences of this love never returning to me.

it must be stupid to expect,even if it is the slightest bit,any of these back.of course i am not so childish to demand and sulk if i never am repaid in a certain sense for what i do for others.definitely not.but i think that somewhere inside me i'm always waiting,hoping that someone will realize that people do love to be loved.david tells me i'm not desperate enough in a way,such that most people don't see the side of me that wants and needs someone else to love me,just as everyone does.

i've been thinking about what he said these few days while he's off in new york enjoying life.i'm in a state of flux,is that what you call a state-change? i'm moving on,moving around,finding my way.i've more or less forgotten what's gone on in the past few months.i've long forgotten about what happened 2 years ago..it's like a long-gone era that holds no more memory.i've forgotten all the details.i now only remember a few names that once held,and maybe still hold,meaning.the years of wonder and excitement,embarrassment and growth.all culminating to who i am today.i,from the over-enthusiastic short-haired girl with the terrible dress sense,to the sometimes jaded and emotional but always sparked up with a sense of humor very old teenager.who would have thought how things would have turned out,the names that stay put and the names that drift far away.

we're all in a flux at some point in our lives.moving in,moving out.caught in suspension from time to time.i feel like i am,now.unemotional.self-confident.lapsing between ecstasy from the joys of life and cynicism from the simultaneous pains of it.ah.

what else can i say.i am 19 and i still don't know who i love.

i love coffee prince(:

today i found myself in a knot of anger and frustration that made me realize how i work so hard and give so much of myself to relationships all in the hopes of being as loved in return.love,to be loved,i know.but i have become starkly aware that i am always caught in a void,stuck waiting like a fool,for my loved ones to just appreciate what i do for them and want to make me happy too.

for some i wait daily,like a little game i play to amuse myself.maybe today something new and delightful will show itself to me as i do my own thing,something a little bit different from the last time.

for some i wait over a period of time,between the times we see each other and we don't.maybe there'll be a really good reason to meet up,something great to do together after weeks and months living our own lives.

and for some i wait for years,lapsing in and out of closeness and hope,perhaps despair.maybe today will be the day i finally say something out of the ordinary,today i will learn something i've been waiting so long to hear about.

will you love me today? the next time we see each other? years later?

all i know is that i do my best to love you,like a gardener waters her plants in hopes that flowers will bloom,so that maybe one day i'll get some of that love back.

where the love lasts forever by hillsong

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,

And lifted me beyond my failing,

Into Your glory,

My sin and shame dissolved,

And now forever Yours I’ll stand

In love never to end,

To call You more than Lord,

Glorious friend

So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

happy 19th!(:

more pics to come!

stars* by switchfoot

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain

Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely

Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home

I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself

just another sleepy wednesday with mccartney

your songs have the worst lyrics

but heck,you pretty face..and uh,beautiful soul?

I know this sounds so off now,but I read this really good passage in Psalms today.this one just totally struck me.powerful stuff man.i feel so loved by God.very emotional and deeply moving.

"You give me your shield of victory,

and your right hand sustains me;

you stoop down to make me great."

Psalms 18:35