don't speak.

am utterly exhausted.no more ltb journal! just have to finish the CSP portfolio thing tomorrow,edit acad writing essay,and i'm FREE to mug!

was also getting a bit miffed talking about certain things with TC.the same feelings of indignation and anger at predestination welling up inside.i don't think i trust God very much these days.i'm evidently not showing any trust,for starters.i can't find that peace in me to say,i trust God knows what i desire.or at least i can't say it without suspecting he may have some sort of funny plan that makes me change my mind about certain things and end up accepting stuff i really do not desire.which sounds stupid and completely ungodly.but i can't help but think that he's capable of it.it's just scary to think about the possibilities.this is all TC's fault.which boils down to it being my fault.

argh.life is so full of shit! i'm like both happy and upset all at the same time.over different issues.ugh.stupid!stupid stupid stupid!!!

i am so full of shit too.hrrmpph.

i'm suddenly confused over what i want from life.besides to not remain as the pathetic loser i am now.

you really ought to hear about what my REAL life is all about.when i remove all the glamour from daily rantings,i'm a fool.a fool with some very idiotic acquaintances and circumstances.

i roll my eyes at everything lame.

no thanks.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

who we are.

some of us are young and learning.loving.hoping.dealing with.being sad.feeling things you've never felt about someone.some of us are just living for that moment,to just catch a glimpse of that one person in that one place.to muster up the courage to walk over and say hello,i could love you one day.some of us are hiding our emotions,refusing to give them the time of day,dismissing that emptiness as completely lame and unimportant.when deep inside you know who you're missing.some of us are haunted by the past and just want to move on,want to make a clean break.but meet people who remind us of those we are hoping to forget,and are scared to make the mistakes we made again.some of us are relearning love,laughing and leaning,tilting,falling.staring into each other's gaze and on one side, at least, there's dying inhibitions.some of us are growing closer,finding unexpected friendship,realizing that the other isn't so bad.some of us are delusional,silly,fools in waiting,not knowing that the time has passed and will never return.some of us realize it,some of us don't.some of us are discovering other worlds,venturing,daring and moving in circles we never thought we'd see ourselves in.some of us have lost ourselves in the wild crowd,in the midst of liquor and music.some of us have forgotten God,or at least haven't bothered keeping in touch as much as before.some of us feel bad,some of us don't.some of us are so caught up with our own lives,meeting the demands of others,filling our time with mindless activities.it's a mess and it's complicated.we want out but the exits are missing.either we have no life,or this is life.some of us are tired and moody,avoiding the questions on where we have been,leaving who we once were behind,unanswered for.suddenly i am horribly afraid of who we have become.

www.handwritingwizard.com

Joanne is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Joanne will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Joanne an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Joanne is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Joanne is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Joanne doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Joanne will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Joanne's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Joanne slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Joanne can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Joanne is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Joanne basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Joanne is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

autumn passing.

if you'd meet me halfway,
if you would meet me halfway
it could be the same for you

all these days i've been with you
you've never been with me
life is turning grey and white
the leaves have fallen off the tree

though i've tried to keep it strong
and say that i'm alright
i chose the path less traveled
now you waste my day and night

autumn's passing, summer's gone
the sky's a dying blue
yes, i want to be alone but
i always cheat on myself with you.

oh how you bring tears to my eyes because you remind me of what i have been doing to myself.do i really live out my rejection by putting myself in positions whereby i am always kept at arm's length or carelessly pushed away - because this is how i expect to be treated? has this cruelty become a habit and a self-inflicted punishment for the incompetence i feel? do i gawk at the kindness the others show to me and repel myself from such grace because i do not believe i deserve it? i watched the nanny and listened to her shrink tell her that the other day,and it dawned on me that i too am putting myself in the place of least unconditional love and acceptance.i have been running from it my whole life.

sunkissed.

am i living the consequences of your rejection of me?

it's never gonna be that simple.

i wasted a weekend.or at least a day.so restless.omg.cannot do nothing.feel like i've got tons to do.so although i'm completing some work,as long as i'm not up to my neck and drowning in work,i feel so emptied out and wayward.sigh.don't know why i'm this waste-time these few days ever since workload lightened a bit.like,trying to emancipate myself yet feeling completely awkward doing so.

have i changed? for the worse? neutral? just changed? no longer open and vulnerable and spontaneous and hopeful? but instead hardened,protective,guarded,wary and cynical?

there's never a right time to say goodbye
but i gotta make the first move
cause if i don't you're gonna start hating me
cause i really don't feel the way i once felt about you
it's not you it's me
gotta figure out what i need
there's never a right time to say goodbye
but we know that we gotta go our separate ways
and i know it's hard but i gotta do it
and it's killing me
cause there's never a right time to say goodbye

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

omg i knew we had a lot more things in common than i suspected we did.

i heart autumn boy.

we grow up
we smash things
spring summer autumn winter
we love each other
we regret each other
truth beauty freedom love
we remember stuff
we pretend to forget stuff
matthew mark luke john
we get together
we break up
attraction selection compassion hate
summer delusion
summer's gone
i.heart.autumn.boy.

(:

under the bed is where it'll stay

life is great.only AS/CT presentations left,and AS exam on sunday.i will perhaps study for that tmr.but today was possibly the best day of 2 weeks.finished up acad last night,watched whose line till 4,woke comfortably up at 12,got fetched to the beach at 2 plus,had lagoon food for brunch/tea,took many happy beach photos with the ltb group minus alex and xt,came back,did devotion,fell asleep till 7,had mum's fantastic laksa,had bible devotion with family which means tomorrow i'm free to go for class gathering,played on facebook,watched 2 hours worth of top model...omg.life is awesome.now am skyping zwing and finally seeing her in like a whole month.

there's this sense of really transitioning into my new life.like really finally understanding and coming to terms with this is who i am as a university student.no longer as clueless as before,2 months ago when all this madness started,but still learning.but it's a habit.it's a lifestyle.i may not love the work i have to contend with,but i'm loving everything else. (:

with new beginnings comes new ends.some of you have heard my contentions earlier this week.nothing that i can really mention explicitly here,but somehow i've come to this point of wreckoning.like,i'm not sure what exactly is going on inside of me that's creating so much havoc and flippant behavior,but something's happening.i don't know.i'm like,moving on so fast it scares me to see how far i've been flung in a matter of a few weeks.i guess i'm either still really immature,or way too mature to bother about things that keep messing me up.it could be my mother's influence.i don't know.it could be huishuang.i still don't know.then again,it could just be me.erratic.unpredictable.dramatic.indifferent.it could be hahaha some-of-you-know-who.i have no idea.

i think this calls for the secret blog.toodles.muah.

how do you sing a one way love song

memory still seems to love you.she sees you the way you used to look.she paints dreams of you the only way she learnt how to.when she thinks about you,she remembers first your eyes,then your hair,then your smile.she has never admitted to loving another but you and you always.nobody else continued to make sense.nobody else who walked with her made a difference.no one made her sob that way.no one else could.

memory compares the girl you finally chose to the girl she'd waited to show up to claim you years ago.memory doesn't know why things had to be that way then,the way they are now.memory doesn't know why you had to leave her behind.memory wouldn't be memory if you hadn't.she would just be empty history,her footsteps ending where you made her your destiny.memory wants to know why you didn't.

but of all the things memory does know,she definitely knows you never loved her no matter what seemed to give you away.

my busy week carries on without a care.

i heart straight hair.

that's enough. (:

hi to stalker.

thanks paul(:

really relay games.

my mind is foggy and i'm full and sleepy.but i will get nightmares if i sleep now before i finish sufficiently digesting my food.sigh.i'm supposed to do relay games i know.am also the last person to hand in the stuff to eliz.argh.today was a day off from work (relatively).had a pretty nice sweet time with the CT dears,as stelly will call us.

anyway.am so tired i can't think.but i just wanted to say hi to all those who stalk my blog. (PAUL TAG OUR PICTURES ON FB!!!!)

hello!!!!!!

and good night.

damn pain!

writing acad essay number 2 was a horrible experience.it is emblazoned in my mind! it is carved upon my being! oh my gosh! deliver me! DELIVER ME FROM THE EDITING I HAVE TO DO TOMORROW AND SUNDAY!

most of all,DELIVER ME FROM THEBIZLAWESSAYTHELTBJOURNALTHEASFALLACYRESEARCHTHETWCMEETINGTHECTMEETINGTHEBIZLAWMAKEUPCLASSTHELTBWORK.

gah.work work work.even when next next week rolls around i'll be mugging my poor un-business-law-ish ass off for the sake of passing the midterms in week 9,where i have TWC/AS/CT/LTB/AW presentations i heard.very wth-ish.that is 5 presentations and ONE MAJORLY DIFFICULT EXAM.

how can they bear to do this to me?! i mean seriously! how?! how!?

HOW!??!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?

adapted from psalms 18.

I LOVE YOU, O LORD, MY STRENGTH.
THE LORD IS MY ROCK, MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER;
MY GOD IS MY ROCK, IN WHOM I TAKE REFUGE.
HE IS MY SHIELD...MY SALVATION, MY STRONGHOLD...
I AM SAVED FROM MY ENEMIES...
IN MY DISTRESS I CALLED TO THE LORD;
I CRIED TO MY GOD FOR HELP.
FROM HIS TEMPLE HE HEARD MY VOICE;
MY CRY CAME BEFORE HIM, INTO HIS EARS...
THE LORD THUNDERED FROM HEAVEN;
THE VOICE OF THE MOST HIGH RESOUNDED.
HE SHOT HIS ARROWS AND SCATTERED THE ENEMIES,
GREAT BOTLS OF LIGHTNING AND ROUTED THEM...
HE REACHED DOWN FROM ON HIGH AND TOOK HOLD OF ME;
HE DREW ME OUT OF DEEP WATERS.
HE RESCUED ME FROM MY POWERFUL ENEMY,
FROM MY FOES, WHO WERE TOO STRONG FOR ME.
THEY CONFRONTED ME IN THE DAY OF MY DISASTER,
BUT THE LORD WAS MY SUPPORT...
HE RESCUED ME BECAUSE HE DELIGHTED IN ME.
THE LORD DEALT WITH ME ACCORDING TO MY RIGHTEOUSNESS;
ACCORDING TO THE CLEANNESS OF MY HANDS HE HAS REWARDED ME.
FOR I HAVE KEPT THE WAYS OF THE LORD;
I HAVE NOT DONE EVIL BY TURNING FROM MY GOD...
AND HAVE KEPT MYSELF FROM SIN...
TO THE FAITHFUL YOU SHOW YOURSELF FAITHFUL,
TO THE BLAMELESS YOU SHOW YOURSELF BLAMELESS,
TO THE PURE YOU SHOW YOURSELF PURE...
YOU SAVE THE HUMBLE
BUT BRING LOW THOSE WHOSE EYES ARE HAUGHTY.
YOU, O LORD, KEEP MY LAMP BURNING;
MY GOD TURNS MY DARKNESS INTO LIGHT.
WITH YOUR HELP I CAN ADVANCE AGAINST A TROOP,
WITH MY GOD I CAN SCALE A WALL.
AS FOR GOD, HIS WAY IS PERFECT;
THE WORD OF THE LORD IS FLAWLESS.
HE IS A SHIELD
FOR ALL WHO TAKE REFUGE IN HIM.
FOR WHO IS GOD BESIDES OUR LORD?
AND WHO IS THE ROCK EXCEPT OUR GOD?
IT IS GOD WHO ARMS ME WITH STRENGTH
AND MAKES MY WAY PERFECT...
HE ENABLES ME TO STAND ON THE HEIGHTS...
YOU GIVE ME YOUR SHIELD OF VICTORY,
AND YOUR RIGHT HAND SUSTAINS ME;
YOU STOOP DOWN TO MAKE ME GREAT...
YOU HAVE ARMED ME WITH STRENGTH FOR BATTLE...
YOU HAVE DELIVERED ME...
THE LORD LIVES! PRAISE BE TO MY ROCK!...
HE IS THE GOD WHO AVENGES ME...
THEREFORE I WILL PRAISE YOU AMONG THE NATIONS, O LORD;
I WILL SING PRAISES TO YOUR NAME.
HE GIVES HIS KING GREAT VICTORIES;
HE SHOWS HIS UNFAILING KINDNESS TO HIS ANOINTED, TO...
HIS DESCENDANTS FOREVER.

CHAPTER 17!!!

TURN TO ME AND BE GRACIOUS TO ME,
FOR I AM LONELY AND AFFLICTED.
THE TROUBLES OF MY HEART HAVE MULTIPLIED;
FREE ME FROM MY ANGUISH!!!
LOOK UPON MY AFFLICTION AND MY DISTRESS
AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY SINS.
SEE HOW MY ENEMIES HAVE INCREASED
AND HOW FIERCELY THEY WANT ME TO FAIL!
GUARD MY LIFE AND RESCUE ME;
LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME,
FOR I TAKE REFUGE IN YOU.
MAY INTEGRITY AND UPRIGHTNESS PROTECT ME,
BECAUSE MY HOPE IS IN YOU.

REDEEM ME, O GOD,
FROM ALL MY TROUBLES!

adapted from Psalms 25:16-22

maybe i'm having a muscle cramp

my life is very unglam.there is such a lack of variety.where is the slacking.where is the sitting around laughing my head off with my crazy friends.where are my crazy friends..where has my youth gone.my life is pathetic.pathetically busy.my shoulders are feeling really tense now man.i'm not even doing any work.it must be the overusage of the computer that's keeping my hands on the table and fingers moving all the time.this sucks.i want a break.

what sucks even more is that the worst is yet to come.the work is snowballing,in trinette's terms.i am drowning.i am being eaten alive.i am being flattened by an avalanche of presentations,assignments and expectations.

why do so many people however,look as though they're enjoying life like never before? why am i such a loser?!

oh the horror the horror.

thank God for huishuang,stepho and olive though.tauhuay tonight was a good time in a long time.(:

i love my beauty queen!

very very much.

Today I am pretending
that the sky is bright blue
& my mind is light and clear
without you

When deep inside me
the weather is dark & gray
though "I don't love you"
is all that I say

but take a closer look
you'll know my words aren't true
underneath all this pretense
I still do.

life put itself wrongly back together.

dear soul,

i wanted to tell you today that you don't have to be afraid of losing me anymore.

because you've already done so.

no longer yours,
jonk.

maybe life this time won't.maybe i don't want this kind of life.

somehow life all around me as i knew it and thought i knew it is spiraling away from me faster than i can say 'no thanks' to it and the way it's turning out.why's everyone i used to live believing were just the way i was turning out to be very different from anything i could have possibly imagined them being? why am i increasingly not recognizing the life that i live in now?

am i being left behind? set apart? where do i stand in all this?

i'm bombarded with ideas and concepts that today make me feel more like a stranger in my own shoes than a self-actualized/empowered individual.a few of you will know i've been having problems of my own these few days.as i just told claudia,i'm not sure if i'm really this calm and unfeeling towards the whole issue,or if i'm just controlling the tears somewhere inside.i'm not so sure of who i am anymore.i can't pintpoint my exact feelings.i don't know if i'm angry or sad or indifferent.

reading timmo's blog for possibly the first time ever (properly) made me realize that there are alot of people in my life whom i wish i knew better than MSN-based-knowledge.so many people i've made friends with have incredibly interesting stories to tell.life is truly beginning for me at SMU now.there's so many amazing stories out there for me to hear.

sigh.i don't know what to say.

thanks claud<3.

in a few days

i love how the love of my life writes about the most foul and usually un-talked-about activities in one's daily life. (i.e. unfortunate visits to public toilets) i have never been that cracked up listening to darryl's high amused narration of the explicitly disgusting blog of my said love.

okay nicky is making too much noise outside on the drums which are preventing me from waxing more lyrical.mother is also calling me down to mash potatoes.be right back.

figuring the guy who saved me out

what alex (very enthusiastic and friendly ltb member) says is right.i can feel the fibres in me tingling to just get out there and do something.let off some steam.it's either i'm too exhausted from pulling late nights and all day activities or i've gone into autopilot.what a tiring first week.i am spent.uni is exciting yet frightening all at the same time.

circumstances have forced me to sit down and take a good hard look at my faith these few days.quite a few of us are trying to get back in touch with God,especially in this difficult new life we're all forced into.what a journey it's going to be.it's like i'm pushing off from the shore and wading into deeper waters.i want to walk on water with Jesus,but i don't even know where He's taking me.as i've said,it's exciting and frightening.so many new experiences this year,so many new convictions.what a rollercoaster ride for so many of us!

i was talking to darryl and trinette (and a couple of other random people) about what has been burdening my heart these few days.i want to know is why people who know Him aren't loving Him for what He deserves.where has Christianity gone?it's not like i'm a great (as in,perfect) lover of God.but i'm committed to trying as much as i can to surrender my life and live for Him.i know what He's done for me,and i don't ever want to remain the same person i was yesterday or the year before.i want to keep growing even though things at the top get scarier and more daunting.i have to admit as i feel God pulling me up the crazy rock wall like a belayer would,i'm like a bit exhausted and apprehensive.the climb before was such a challenge.i'm not sure if i can go on as it gets even harder.i know God knows what i can do.but i need so much more fuel man.like the stuff they teach us in uni,this new unfamiliar lap is such a giant leap from the usual trials i've gone through.it's forcing me to mature and handle things i once thought were so much larger than myself.

oh gosh.i'm too tired to even blog properly.i've got so much stuff on my mind however.i'm dying to just say - LET GOD CHANGE YOU STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOURSELF IT'LL NEVER WORK WE'VE ALL TRIED AND FAILED.GOD IS SAYING SON COME BACK TO JESUS.THE DIVINE EXCHANGE IS WAITING FOR YOU.

that was a little explicit and straight forward.but i'm too tired.i don't know how to phrase it nicely in this state of mind.i keep thinking..no one in God's presence can emerge from the encounter the exact same person.meeting God just breaks  you into pieces and leaves you weeping like a child.not in shame as you may think of course.but in utmost gratitude because He took everything you ever did,sent His Son to die in your place,and didn't even blame you one bit.how can you NOT react in the most extreme way upon realizing the extent of His mercy??

i'm probably sounding holy moly.i don't know if i should give a damn to that.here's one of my favourite bookmark messages -

I stood before Jesus and asked Him: How much do you love me Lord? 

"This much." He replied. 

Then He stretched out His arms on the cross and died for me.

give it some serious thought guys.goodnight.

the past.

i forgot we were supposed to act dao.

my FAVOURITE.cos i look the nicest(:

check out my sucky designing skills man.

pretty.odd.

but things do change.

bye bye.

life with jonk is never without the endless drama.sometimes i wonder how my friends handle it,especially those caught in the constant crossfire,swept this way and that with my reckless abandon.some people sit and listen in amazement,others thank their lucky stars they live on calmer seas.i don't know.life is awkward.life is awesome.

have learnt so much over the past weeks as smu life started off with camps,as my social life fluorished naturally with the oddest of companions,things move and change so fast i literally can't catch my breath at times.there are a lot of things to say in regard to certain issues,things i toss over in my mind like an overdone salad,things that nobody really wants to hear.

i don't think even i can catch up with myself.it's secret blog time!

take that bow

i don't know why i like take a bow by rihanna so much.i think the piano part really gets to me.i love the piano part.which is basically the bass of the whole song.today i went to smu for lunch then out with darryl to shop for his new wardrobe.i think i may have succeeded in changing his style a bit.then trinette joined us for our favourite crystal jade lamianxiaolongbao dinner,icecream,quarreled again,then went home after making peace.tomorrow we're going to parkway to do the same stuff.bangkok on thursday!(:

yours mine and ours(:

olive so prettyyyy.

the epitome of stupidity.

we are irony herself tonight

it must be God,literature,irony,..something in my fish noodles.something,anything.

i feel like i've come to the place of peace after those long nights of wondering and pondering,drifting,being in flux.today the randomness of this familiar world has somehow ceased and i'm ready to reconquer the universe of my life.

it's good to be home.

curtain call?

hmm,not having to work is actually a really great concept since i don't have to set my alarm for anything,i don't have to make sure i'm getting enough sleep because i will (with all 24 hours in a day finally all mine),i can make whatever plans i want in the day and not worry if i'm free (because as long as there are no prior plans,of course i'm free).

but,not having to work also has its very bad points such as being available for nagging at as long as i remain at home,wasting away in front of the computer either watching CSI or ANTM,having 4 borrowed books i'm supposed to finish but it seems like iv got all the time in the world so i am not reading like i should be,and if i'm not proactive in creating useful things for my time,nothing happens at all.i'm free and completely wasted.

it happened today,since this whole week i've been more or less just totally free as opposed to last week when i was like just back from bangkok and tying up loose ends in the office,settling into life without work.so yeah,it's friday ALREADY and camp facilitator just called to remind me i HAVE CAMPS all through the next two weeks.am totally DREADING them but i guess what more can i do with myself these days? i ironically need school to pull me back to life.i can't run from it forever.anyhow,little problems such as loneliness and boredom are threatening to trip me into other sorts of larger problems that i really do not want to deal with.want to know what they are? speak to me personally if you're steph,zwing,swan or rachel.otherwise don't bother.

can't say that alot has been on my mind,because it's just filled with CSI/ANTM/FREE TIME,so i'm just making my life up as i go along in some odd manner.and this is the first..or maybe second day that i'm just throwing to the wind.not doing something just feels so wrong.it's like i'm open to all sorts of potential issues just waiting to happen.especially when i'm hearing about people's problems and stuff and i'm forced to somehow reconcile all that to myself and wonder when's my own turn (since i just got out of a few serious ones).like to me,people's problems,though they feel like they could very well be my own,may just one day be mine.and i'm going to have to deal with that.but i think that whole 'in flux' thing and emptiness of emotion's all still here.i'm still suspended in transition,my foot's slightly caught in older issues yet i'm still bravely stepping forth into the future.as a result i'm like going no where at all.i'm not colliding into anything new and refreshing,neither am i wallowing in something old and so over.i can barely believe my life is dramatic anymore.if anything it is dramatically not happening.

i mean life used to be very vibrant and active,things just keep rolling and happening and i used to have to be constantly on the ball.emotions just flowing in and out and through me like fuel keeping the crazy engine of my whole life going.i had great camera moments when people all around me just work together so well and have so much fun together,i had moments when i was very self-aware that i was depressed/sad/moody.but i'm not that sure about myself anymore.i don't know if you'll call that self doubt,but alot of times these few months i'm just a bit of this and that all put together.never too happy,never too sad.except maybe for that one time last week when i was really down and out.but that really sucked.that was a real huge problem,not one that is in some way delightful at all.never want to live through that again.

but it's not like i want to live through my past problems again just because i found certain beauty and memory in them.maybe because they involved people who weren't family,people whom i felt i could write stories about and actually re-read those stories and feel warm even though they weren't always pleasant.remember those painful times fondly yes,but not live through them again.don't think anyone will get what i mean by that,but if you want an explanation,again,speak to me personally.

i'm kinda like an optimist,so i'm not willing to say that hey i concede defeat my life has ceased to exude quality and enigma like it used to.in fact,despite my mounting dread of next week's kill-me-slowly camps,i'm willing to hold faint belief that uni life will fire up my lacklustre life as it is now.meeting up with kl and finding out we're in all our camps together definitely helped alot.knowing that school holds so much promise and energy also helps.being able to finally get out of this holiday thing with its little fevers and delusions is good news too.my mind only has 2 more days to wander.i'm moving on babes! 

teeth have also stopped hurting so much.a little sore still but at least i can more or less eat properly now.last night darryl and i went cycling and stupidly (though half deliberately) got caught in the rain.think it was good though.i loved the quietness of eastcoast (so rare) and the chilly winds that were lingering with the rain,and even the familiar company of my dear best guy friend whom i so love and hate all at the same time.i don't think i've encountered anyone who so truly makes me mad and appreciated one after another in the same sequence.one minute we're goofing off the next he's sulking and i'm pissed off suddenly we make up and he's making me laugh even though i'm appalled at his behavior and then all over again i've hurt his feelings and he's yelling at me which makes me yell back.......over and over and over until we're too tired to say sorry anymore and just sit in weirdly happy silence.it takes so much effort being your bestfriend darryl you better appreciate what i'm doing.

AHHHHHHH should i just be happy with what i'm doing with my pathetic life now??

happy birthday kevin!!!(:

how could i forget the hottest father on TV steph?! hahaha.

anyway it's kevin's actual birthday today.want to wish him a huge happy 21st and i'm so glad it turned out much louder than he expected. (: you totally totally deserve it okay.i didn't plan it but i uh,did try quite hard to produce a worthy present.so i'm hoping you have a great day ahead and plenty of emotional moments whilst reading my book.and good laughs too of course.

my life is full of wonderful people,actually.

why you have to watch gossip girl.

because they play 17 year olds who act WAY older than us 19 year olds AND they're all about our age in real life.mindblowing.

because they each play such unique roles that together form such an intriguing storyline,and make school life look more glamorous than it has ever been.

because they're all so hot and have such great chemistry with each other you wish you had a bunch of friends as camera perfect as they are.

because of hot-hot-hot chuck,who's actually british and is a walking explanation as to why most of us girls just love the bad guys.

God will piece my life back together

at this moment in time i feel as though only an excerpt written some time ago from my God journal deserves to be displayed:

"help me know You,help me listen.help me embrace my freedom.help me love You with all my heart.help me live out Your victory for my life.help me walk only in Your Way.help me be like You.

whatever drought,whatever storm.

i want you to know that i'm holding you firm.

i am your belayer.

fall upon me

i don't scorn you.

i'm here to help you.

where do i start Lord?

what do i do?

my mind is such a mess.

God,don't remain silent...

when God places a burden on you

He has his hands underneath you

Jesus holds my destiny

It's not only about emotions

It's about something far more powerful

that even in an emotional desert

streams of abundance still flow.

trust in God goes deeper than mind,soul and body

beyond every circumstance,every situation.

God knows.God sees.God will do something."

followed by:

Strengthen the feeble hands

Steady the knees that give way

Say to those with fearful hearts

Be strong, do not fear;

Your God will come, 

He will come with a vengeance;

With divine retribution

He will come to save you.

Isaiah 35

and a not so random excerpt from The Duchess of Malfi:

Look you, the stars shine still

Come, be of comfort,

I will save your life.

- Bosola

I love a great God.

I can remember,you know

My story with BCCSC starts on just a regular Sunday on the bus home with Mark and David (cannot remember why else besides the fact that we live in the same neighbourhood). I had been spending my days wondering aimlessly around Singapore looking for some purpose in my post-JC life, hoping never to have to work yet knowing I couldn't hang around like a bum for long without severe self-esteem issues. Working was the new studying for old teenagers my age, and now without any homework to contend with I had no other excuse to put it off. I had, at that point of time, never worked a day in my life of course. I'm, up till now, just a regular straight-to-university student. Macdonald's cashiering is not an option.

I had many intentions on coming to BCCSC to find a job, one of them being church was a comforting familiarity and many of my cell members were finding their places there. Thus when David actually voiced his opinion that I should try out volunteering at BCCSC's student centre, I did not really hesitate to agree. Cutting a long and definitely boring story short, I got in touch with Jacinta and started a short volunteering stint there since I was not given a proper position there as a member of the staff. Somehow or rather, God's divine ways led me to the old conference room of the not-yet-renovated church office and straight into the unknown hands of Mandy and Toonhan. They interviewed me for a position in the Family Department as a Youth Worker, quite unlike my initial conception of working with children alone. I honestly, at that point, had no idea what on earth BCCSC did besides work with children in the centre or elderly living in the blocks around the church. Thus when I accepted the job somewhat dubious of everything I was in for, I was pretty frightened for my life given the fact that my dear new superiors made the youth I was about to meet and work with seem like the scariest ever young teenagers I had never ever known.

Throughout my life I have been fortunate in terms of my family, my studies and my friends. Coming to BCCSC and allowing myself to be exposed to the other side of Singapore, the side my friends and I had never seen, was very much enlightening as it was life-changing. This side of Singapore in the busy heartland of Bedok contrasts drastically against my life thus far of sprawling housing estates, beautiful school campuses populated by the well-to-do and slightly glamorous lifestyles of country clubs and Orchard Road hang-outs. Growing up in purely elite schools like SCGS and VJC, I never got the chance to meet with those who, I mean no offense, don't do well in examinations, land up in schools with less-than-perfect company awaiting, and often find themselves in certain moral dilemmas. It's not that good schools don't have such temptations - the rich simply have a way of keeping themselves out of too much trouble. I never was a part of the group that pushed the boundaries when I was in school, neither was I in an environment whereby my morals were constantly put to the test. At very most I liked wearing my socks way lower than the ankle-high rule.

I met a whole range of youths during my stint at BCCSC - the typical problem youth who (wow) have brushes with the law from time to time, the odd-ball youngsters who are clueless about social behavior, and the little naughty boys who have issues with anger management. Many of these children come from families with pretty severe problems at hand, which give rise to their own behavioral problems. Although I don't know very much about counselling or social work, I learnt that everyone has a need for help, and everyone deserves to be heard and offered a kind hand. No matter how problematic or outrageous a client may be, they still deserve to receive the love of Christ through us. It is not for us to say who is better or worse. I also learnt that social workers really have huge hearts and enormous listening capacity - in other words enduring patience and overwhelming love for the lost and helpless. It has been my true honor to work with and make good friends with such people.

As for my own personal experience throughout the 5-6 months at BCCSC, I will always remember my first day in the under-renovation office. I was nervous and uncomfortable, sitting in the corner of the back conference room that was cluttered with computers and stuff. I remember Toonhan showing me around, making me read those (honestly kinda useless) reports on the programmes run (I couldn't understand a word!!). John came in later and I was pretty scared of him because I didn't know him like I knew Jeslyn and Mary. But things got better when we went to buy food from 85 and he told me about how he met Shirley and his upcoming marriage. When we all moved in to the new office I volunteered to wipe all the tables and help unwrap the new chairs. Mary and I had to move all the old office material back from Hall 2 to the new cupboards - packing could kill! I got my own table, which I happily used as a huge creative space for me and all my unused barang at home. Boy, will I miss that work space.

What else will I take with me when I leave? Perhaps it's the interesting story on how Darryl got his job through my recommendation, or how we loved to explore the room with the ping pong table..maybe how we watched Room 401 in SCC, or how Trinette, Darryl and I had spontaneous monthly Pay Day Dinners (starting with Crystal Jade, followed by Thaipan, Ajisen Ramen, Billy Bombers, and finally Simpang Bedok). Nothing would have been the same without these 2 very special people - one who always gets on my nerves with his crazy antics and sometimes bad temper, but will in the end make me smile when he starts disturbing his dearest Olive Oyl, the other is the delightful brunt of Darryl's teasing and resident whiner who's great to boss around (HAHA) and love tremendously. I love you both dearly, people. It's so sad to see us no longer hanging out after work (or even during work)..no more PDDs and random car rides to eat good food. I won't get to tolerate Darryl's singing in the morning (and every moment he's in the car) or have Trinette make me milo anymore. The Office Fiends is having its very last episode tomorrow when work draws to its rapid end. I had never imagined it making so much difference to my life, but it has. Its imprint is on my life journey forever.

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me, is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.

Oh well.

its the season of the secret blog! everyone who's been authorized to go check it out can.if not,don't bother giving yourself a heartattack.

where do i stand?

when i become devoted to a certain thing and its completion/fulfillment,my entire life grinds to an uncomfortable standstill.a stuttering sort of halt,one that stumbles over the force of inertia as i find myself focussing on only that thing,willing it to come to pass so that i can get over it.and i am strangely unable to really forget it before it arrives,and although i do try to get on with life and think about the rest of my duties as a person,i can't.

with the QET i just couldn't have as much fun,be as carefree,be as happy and uninhibited.now with the BK trip looming in 4 days,i can't focus on the things that are even more important actually - preparing to say goodbye to my colleagues in a fashion that is characteristically me,which would involve heartfelt notes and pretty farewell gifts.matriculation tomorrow is already killing me at the thought of it.i want it all to just come and go,go away so that i can live my life in the usual wild abandon.no prepared plans,no idea what will happen,but whatever happens tomorrow i will take up happily because i didn't know about it forehand.especially if its something like the QET,which sucks.i hate tests/interviews/workshops.anything that holds me down.

which is why i have a nagging suspicion as to why i can't seem to just let go of certain issues/persons in my life.because to me there are unresolved matters at hand,things that i have yet to accomplish/find out.things that i want to know so that i can get over whatever they are and move on with my oliving (as replacement of swear word) life.

i don't know if i have a problem,or if its just the lack of one.today during altar call i was seriously wondering if i had a problem at all.because i just feel like i don't have any major ones.nothing that's making me cry at night,burdening me through the day.nothing.state of flux.no motion.no emotion.no long term problems that bug me.maybe having no problems is a problem.i'm just stressed having to consider that school is starting,bangkok trip is coming,work is ending,projects still not complete,life is not totally in order yet.and will not be,i'm guessing,once school starts.so much to get in order.but that's just the way it is.it's not like causing me to go mental (HAHA to all those who know what i mean),or like,be some complete basketcase (as usual).just don't like knowing that things are unresolved.new routines are going to be introduced.shifting out of the old ones that i had just grown used to.i mean,these really aren't world-crashing-down problems.they're just,part of life as it is for me.and the good old me just wants to sit back and not have a care in the world.live on an island and just not care.

anyway tomorrow's monday.start of a rushed and probably damn stressful week.uggghhhh have the monday blues just thinking about it already!!!!!!!!!!i want my retreat!!!!!!!!!!!!i don't want people to make me do anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i want to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rest.relax.rejuvenate.retreat.revive.

i'm not exactly in the right frame of mind to do any of those Rs,but i'm really hoping i'll manage to have one before school starts.these are a few people i'm hoping to join me on my mission to revive myself: Steph, Swan, Kahpoh, Huishuang..and whoever wants to be refreshed for uni.

it'll be 3 days worth of resting,relaxing,rejuvenating,retreating..all of which hopefully end in Revival.

i have a few ideas in mind.

2D1N aviva spa/retreat - $700++

1N in Novotel, which will be hopefully, courtesy of swannie.if not we'll find some place to sleep.

but of course if the spa idea is considered outrageous,we'll just stay in the room at novotel and do other things like pedicures/manicures/facials/hair treatment for each other.a 1N thing,since how long can you possibly do stuff like that anyway.

activities for a longer retreat will include swimming/gymming/spa-ing/shopping/sightseeing - yes,around singapore.i will make sure it's interesting.going to places we rarely frequent,and seeing new faces in the crowd.

but of course,i'll be focussing on Body, Mind and Soul - which is why every day of the retreat will be different.spa/relax day first,then some good reflection/getting life in order/spiritual uplifting next,ending off with fun social games to remind us that life is still worth living.

i need some convincing.retreat!!!!!

the hiatus ends

i'm developing a sort of love-hate relationship with computers.i can feel my eyes just melting under all the radiation stuff coming from the crazily bright screen.after hours and hours of clicking and blinking away,i don't really know why i'm even online now.burning my corneas up.

just watched it's a boygirl thing.quite nice,but totally cliche.worth only 2.5 stars.passable.gossip girl is wayy better.

i wanted to blog about my working experience tonight,but honestly now i not only don't know where to start,but also don't even feel like doing it.i have to soon,nicely,for carol,but for myself i've been having flashbacks of first coming to bccsc looking for something temporary whilst i found a better job elsewhere.then i thought that perhaps a job with the kids would be good and fun,plus a chance to make new friends in a very non-working environment.but who should have thought things turned out quite differently.i lend up in the office,and despite initially thinking this so wasn't my kinda thing,it became a very very important avenue for my artistic endeavours,all just waiting to happen before all this.developed friendships that have since altered my mindsets and behavioural tendancies,taught me things about fellowship i would have never figured out myself.i actually found a job where i'm needed,and what i can offer is important.isn't that so great?

but i have to admit that i am pretty stressed out,to what degree is for you to guess.i do not like this feeling.i mean,tons of ppl are out there slacking their guts out before school starts and the big mad rush starts again.the pressure to be cool.the pressure to start off well.the pressure to have a fantastic social life.and for me now,it's the pressure to wrap up my old life and start planning for the new.guhhhhh.

I NEED RELEASE.

THE SINGAPORE FLYER(:

hence begins my crazy trip on the flyer.

this was taken right at the top.

favourite shot.

who can resist horsing around?

my lovely flyer partner,swannie.

cheers to free cocktail!(:

see the singapore skyline?

when things start going a little tipsy..

you jump i jump!

one of my favourite shots.

tell those in love to stop being dramatic

haven't been blogging since i've been sufficiently occupied watching gossip girl or reading.don't really know what to say either,for a fact.as i've said before,i'm still in flux.i'm caught in a transition period of waiting/wondering/wandering,and as darryl puts it,i've run dry.this emotional desert is to a certain,subtle extent draining and frustrating.it's left me unstable,thirsting and slightly delirious.i need a change of environment.maybe i should go on a retreat after the bangkok trip.something affordable,in cool weather,and relaxing.

i need to get my mind in the right place.i have to stop dreading my QET,stop dreading school,stop dreading things i don't enjoy very much.i want to get away from all this and pretend no one in the world exists except me and some nice kind people.

can think of a few people whom i'd be happy to have with me,and some people i will kinda gladly have nothing to do with for the next few weeks.maybe i'll start fasting every few days of the week.i think i need to retreat with God.

something i ought to be slightly proud of.

take a brief look at one of the few acknowledged pieces of writing i've ever done.nothing fantastic,but okay la.

anyway sorry about not blogging since forever,will update a bit more when i'm finally not reading the 6 books i borrowed from library or watching gossip girl.or any other movie.

just for the sake of repeating myself,i watched the devil wears prada (4 stars),sweeney todd (2.5 stars),the other boleyn girl (2.5 stars),get smart (4 stars,only because it was super funny),penelope (3.5 stars,should be 4 but loses 0.5 because abit sketchy).....last week.and 8 episodes of gossip girl on sunday (4 stars,pretty entertaining,if not a bit brainless).

kungfu panda tonight.

wanted is coming out on the 26th! cannot wait.

movies coming out that i want to watch:

1. wanted

2. the curious case of benjamin button

3. sisterhood of travelling pants 2

4. the house bunny

5. baby mama

and alot of other trailers my macbook frontrow has to offer.

the married guy i'm in love with.mr james mcavoy(:

hokkaido(:

beautiful seaside that smelt like lavender.

another shot.

one of many fake bears in hokkaido.

ooh,bear.

me in aeroplane.

my tai tai's night out in the kimono thingy.

mum and i during first very jap dinner.

and again.looking very fresh out of the hot spring.

look very stupid but the volcano behind me was cool.

another stupid shot with the volcano behind..

during some random toilet break in the middle of nowhere.

very proud of this wide-angle shot of lake toya,a crater lake.

poor morning attempt at posing with lake toya (since i look hideous),which i only realized was a crater lake about 24 hours after living in that hotel.

nice fireworks display that went on for half an hour on lake toya at night.beautifulllll.

one of the many stupid shots i just had to take in the kimono thingy we had to wear around.

see the waterfall behind me?

flowers at the sake brewery.

pretty bridge and scenery at the brewery.

beautiful scenery at one of our pitstops.sadly i only have one kungfu photo as my mum refused to indulge in my so-called attention-grabbing ways after this photo.

surprisingly pretty shot against the sky taken by mum.

nice flower garden (:

one of the old chocolate posters at the museum/factory.

chocolate ornament thingies.

fake horse-drawn carriage.

pinocchio.

nice comfy bed,my favourite.

atoneeeeement.love love love james mcavoy.

i look gross but it's a cool pic of the zebra crossing.

it's kungfu panda,which i really wanna watch!

tiny village for tiny person.

the people i went with,as well as my pretty psycho but very funny tour guides.

you can imagine how i actually tried to tear this out of the aeroplane's magazine but too many people were watching so i gave up.

i love the background but i think i look a bit crappy in this photo.

happy musical box museum (:

very cute frogs to show my brother.