ABBB

in case you were wondering what i got for A lvls,after all the mugging and crying and complaining.there is God in that result,i must remind you.God's in the horrendous C for GP,because now i don't have to do law (i can't,sheesh,...yes!!!!!).God's definitely in the lack of an A for geography because physical was just screwed for me (i knew it the minute i blanked out for last drq).God's in my ABBB.i just need to believe that and one day i'm going to see it.going to see why.

i mean,a B for econs? which everyone sadly and secretly knew that i was going to need some sort of miracle to even pass?God's in the B.and after failing math like a lot of times too..a B for math is already pretty good! i don't even know why i'm explaining this again,but i think its got something to do with my deep desire to believe God's in control.i was sad for a day,and then the next day things went back to normal and i knew i was still just as loved,just as appreciated,just as accepted for who i am,even who i am with ABBB AND a C for GP.

like,the human part of me that usually forgets to embrace the concept of God totally hates that score.i know because i heard myself thinking it today,and alot of times since friday.that i have like a really shitty result.like,shit.shit.shit.SHIT.and everytime my dad worries about how i'm going to get into a decent course like mass comm,double degree,whatever..i hear myself thinking,omg i know i have the shittiest results ever,are you trying to say this is my fault?that i got myself into this shit and now have to dig my sorry way out somehow?now that's the human side of me that i've been desperately trying to suppress.

but of course,excusing the bad language,i'm a changed person.i promised God and myself i wasn't going to just repeat the same drama crap that i cooked up during O lvl results.the 3 days of crying and sobbing..moping around feeling sorry for myself.i mean yeah i did do that after i got back from my class outing which delayed all my unhappiness but only for a while.but look at what happened after i got 9 points.i met great people,i went to a great place.and only God knew that at first,i just had to take the step of faith and leap into the unknown.God has never played me out.not even when i got so mad at him for even giving me 9 points and refused to talk to him for a week.wth,9 points isn even BAD in the first place and neither is ABBB AND A C for GP.not THAT bad,not even BAD.i was back to being happy and normal the very next day,when kevin came over to bake.something about kevin just makes me feel that the world is completely rational,sane,and the same regardless of my existence, my predicaments and my mood swings.i think the phrase is 'keeping me grounded'.i stop hallucinating and acting like judgement day has just taken place and i have just been deemed the most inappropriate being on earth.

omg,i really mean that.as in,that makes sense when i read it again.think about it! now that's why i'm so blessed to know him.seriously God's hero to me.in all my ridiculous rantings and predictions that i am weird and no one will ever understand me...i can get ABBB and act out like an ass over it and still be a wonderful person in his terms.i mean my bestfriends all see me the same way,just that i don't think i've ever truly believed them as much as i do kevin.a major part of me has returned to earth and started living like a normal human would,that means minus all the previous conviction that i was an alien without any particular gender type.

i've just put all my thoughts and musings in my brain into words.i am amazed at myself.watching Juno certainly has done wonderful things for my writing block (as you realize,i haven't blogged since 2 weeks ago).

there are so many things going through my head these days.alot of confusion and contradictions.like a crazy traffic jam of emotions and head stuff banging around inside me and making my new down-to-earth self severely dysfunctional.the other day,as i was telling some of you,i listened to 2 songs that meant something to me by accident while doing some work and ended up crying without noticing it until jeslyn called me and i looked up to find tears in my eyes.today my mum was talking about some university stuff and something she said made me think about certain things and i had tears in my eyes again.gosh.have you ever had a situation whereby you know in your head that whatever you wish for is completely impossible and stupid and you know that...but your heart just won't listen to you? not even when you have a perfectly fantastic alternative to your current choice? your head goes,GO THAT WAY,but your heart refuses to change routes and continues to head down the obviously wrong road? i've been feeling that way man.don't know what to do about it.as steph says,it's been an awfully long time and it's time to start trying a little harder to do the obviously right thing.steph you know what i mean.

i wanna know where God wants me to go.