anyway i'm going for my xray for the kneecap tmr and really really hope and pray that i haven't fractured anything,although i suspected i might have the minute i tripped over my living room stool.i don't want to be in crutches for a few months man.when my mum thought she felt fragments of bone where my knee cap is my heart just sank.like before that it seemed pretty drama and cool to have like,done something really original to my knee,a rather novel (is that how you spell it?) idea.but when i actually realized the true possibility of having a shattered kneecap i just totally died inside man.i do NOT want to have to deal with a broken leg.it's lifetime damage!!
life for me now is such a web of frustration really.there's nothing too great,nothing too happy,nothing to look forward to.i'm just looking for a good break,no worries,no responsibilities.i just want to laze around and read my pile of literature that feli's been generously feeding me.i finished love in the time of cholera,and now have moved on to p.s. i love you (which is NOT literature).i also have that serious love book to read,though i'm currently not in the mood for anything along those lines.then there's the time traveler's wife (which looks very good) and remains of the day (which i have never heard of but feli says is very good).and now im inspired to read the other boleyn girl (by...i forgot the author's name again.).it sounds so good! see how many books i NEED to read? i have no time at all! just took on another tuition student,which means at least half a day will be burnt giving tuition in my week.
i mean,how not to be frustrated to a pretty annoying extent.first there's uni apps.i have to do sth about ntu's appraisals,finally decide what to sign up for in nus....and with my fantastically-nothing-to-shout-about results,my parents KEEP worrying about whether i'm going to get ANYWHERE and that's just making me nervous and fidgety about things too.i was so upset when my dad suggested retaking A lvls that i was crying in fits of anger and even greater bouts of frustration.on one hand i really can't be bothered with all this uni stuff,just apply and be done with it,see where God puts me.and on the other i'm like bombarded with SUGGESTIONS and ADVICE and WORRY it's like having my fingers squashed before i can even type out my online application.i want the world to just leave me alone so i can face it solitarily.
today i stood silently,thanks to my nonexistent singing voice (which is another contributor to my great deal of inner frustration,i can't even sing along with darryl in his car),in church service listening to worthy is the lamb (or the song before that) and just felt absolutely sad for a very irrelevant reason.my mind was wandering and i knew God wouldn't have been very happy about that but for that instance i couldn't help it.then suddenly i realized that Jesus was right there with me,knowing my inmost thoughts and emotions that i can't and won't even express,understanding the turmoil within me that everyone refuses to talk too much about, only telling me the exact same thing (the solution).i pictured Jesus sitting beside me watching the sun glow over a quiet river,holding my hand,not saying anything.knowing exactly what i was feeling and mourning inside my heart over and over,but not giving the advice i have grown so tired of hearing.i already know the solution and will implement it,but at this point in time i just don't want to hear about it anymore and just be allowed to feel sadness and regret...just to sit in silence and grieve.i knew then that Jesus was my ultimate friend,the only one who would watch the sunset in silence instead of telling me how wrong i am to feel and think this way up till now,make me feel stupid and helpless... Just holding my hand and being there with me was all i really wanted.no words.no rebuke.no condemnation.just freedom to experience emotions that He made me with,knowing full well that He's ready to catch me should i fall,yet at the same time just waiting there to be with me when i drift alone in the lows of my life.
at this point of solitude with my Saviour sitting beside me hurting with me along the river in my head,a tear rolled down my cheek.i have to admit to myself how broken my heart truly is and how much work God's got to do to mend it.
it's so hard to leave eden.
sometimes I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away.
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