living with a shadow overhead

i am such a monster these days.i come home early to be faced with another variation of soft food (rice/noodles with soup) and have to decide how to waste the rest of the evening away,as long as it involves the remote control,my favourite black swivel chair and the 40-inch samsung (i think that's the brand).then i go online at 10 plus,put off the tiresome brushing teeth till later,and click my mouse hoping to find someone interesting to talk to,nag about my painful mouth,brood about how static and one-dimensional life is.

i didn't even plan anything today,and it's a holiday!when i finally have a day to just do absolutely nothing,i forget that i have to actually plan my days instead of letting work hours and certain arrowing individuals plan my day for me.i wasn't in the best of moods yesterday so i was considering,though i can't believe myself now either,not coming to church for good friday.i've been so wrecked up and monotonous this whole week that i have to a large extent forgotten what good friday is all about.it isn't,i realize with daniel's prompting,just another church day.every day is church day since i work there yes,but not good friday.good friday is something more.now that i think about it again,i can't believe i told daniel i just didn't want to go.and i'm so glad that he made me.i'm so lapsing out of good deep communication with God nowadays,just looking at my life and frowning in bored displeasure,that i needed someone like daniel to remind me about what Jesus did.i suspect i did not even think of how good friday is all about Jesus until daniel said "good friday is all about what Jesus did for us".my life has just been all about the falling down,my bruised knee,my work frustrations,my relationships,my class outings,my macbook,my handphone,my car rides with darryl,my television shows,my story books,my university applications,my stupid teeth,my pathetic meals...always something about Joanne Joanne Joanne but never just Jesus.

i'm getting so frustrated over everything,it seems.i just want my cake and eat it,literally.i don't want things to continue being so constipated and awkward and upsetting everytime i try confronting them.neither do i want to use a fistful of my own lousy solutions to my problems because that's not the way i've learnt things should be done.i don't want to do things my way,even though it seems as though my things are my things and God has nothing to do with them.my hurting teeth are mine and not God's,and God can't do anything about them because it's part of the natural order that they hurt like shit for a week.i just hate feeling lousy and tired and hungry.i hate having the most basic of things not go my way.for goodness sake's this is just a hungry girl hoping to have a decent meal that is not in any way watery or mushy.i am so ashamed of myself and my behavior.how i let such a simple problem screw up my life,my friendships,my relationship with God.

my social life is zero,my days are the most boring and meaningless as long as i'm out of office,and nothing at all is exciting.i have no emotional input.i am cynical and displeased at the world around me.i am tired of love songs,of the pressure to seek romantic relationships,of having to give of myself to people who don't reciprocate.i am tired,of having to grow up so fast.

it scares me,as it scares darryl,as it scares trinette,as it scares the shit out of everybody.

i'm not ready.