remember how i felt like the world landed across my chest and crushed me with a dull thud? when i could see my heart in my head,gasping to be freed from the weight of what i now knew..my mind racing with words i couldn't put together in time to save myself.a voice fallen silent,locked inside with no words to offer solace to my own ears.a pain,a pain..I only know there is a deep,swollen pain within me..a pain..a pain.present tense,past tense..today it's like we're breaking up all over again.

i can't breathe.

someone's going away

someone's leaving us for a better place! :(

but soon quite a few of us will be leaving too,who knows who is going where to study once the results are out next month.everyone's chasing their future careers now.i wonder what I'm doing about mine.tmr i'm starting work in church and i think i'll just go and find out what i'm in for instead of worrying about it at all.

anyway i've been doing some thinking and watching how God's working in my life and at this point of time i'm feeling quite awed yet quite calm.but i do realize,in the past 5 minutes,that God has just saved me from a very painful week,month ahead.stopped tears.changed my life in the past week.made me a different person just by reading Captivating and choosing to do the right thing 2 and a half weeks ago.i feel as though God has been putting the brakes on in my life and doing something finally.saving me.God is the hero of my story.

yup you heard me.i'm not falling apart.

can this be beyond sunrise

i'm falling asleep plus my stomach kinda hurts.thus not in the best of moods.oh plus my brother gave me his friend's blog and since he's like some sort of piano genius there's tons of nice piano to listen to.just the thing for me.it's the number one kill-me-softly method.

hmm.my eyes are closing so nothing particularly astute to say tonight.

oh,but i did meet max at the bus stop after church,then we went to see rachel at the interchange bus stop where she happened to be after that.so coincidental.max is horribly depressed.iv never seen him so low before (PARDON the pun on his surname.) all rach n i could give him were hugs of..er,condolences? wonder how trinette reacted to his results..that woman is also MIA.

i cannot believe i haven't seen rachel since A lvl mugging started..that's like almost 5-6 months of not SEEING each other.i don't know how i lasted through all that.RACHEL I MISSED YOU LIKE,A DAMN LOT.it was great having you over for dinner and getting to just talk sooooooooooo much to you about life these days.you're the weirdest BFF ever.(:(:(: love you!

i don't know if my eyes are half closed as a reaction of my soul to beautiful music,or sheer sleepiness.i've this feeling i won't be going to church tmr again.aarrggghh.

for all the conversations we have
for your love affair with art
for your longgggg blog posts I never read
for my writing you can't understand
for every twilight hour we've spent together
for those long crappy phone calls
for all the hot guys in between;)
for melvin!!!!!!!!
for the youth camp we both went to!!!!!!!!
for your left hand and my right hand!!!!!!!!!
for our years of wearing funky glasses
for always somehow understanding me
for remaining rachel ho,the girl everyone in church knows
for holding that grudge over the msn issue 6 years ago
for loving me anyway

all this is so rubbishy i bet you're laughing (or you still don't read my blog too much;)).but thanks for just being with me.(:

that was so before sunrise

you talk to someone who is practically a stranger.someone who does not know you,does not really know your friends,does not have any idea what he is in for just by offering to know you.you have your story,you know he has a story too.but all this is not of utmost importance tonight.all you want to do is just talk.talk about stuff that matters.talk about stuff that you secretly think do matter,but nobody else knows.let that person into the deepest chambers of your soul,to places even you seldom explore within your heart.it is as though that person holds the key to your inner being,knows exactly what to say without even knowing your last name - has known you all along.his smile,which you have only seen for the few hours of your life together,invites you out from behind your defences,embraces everything you are in a few short words and a laugh.and in your head you're thinking,oh my gosh he is everything i could want.i could spend many more days just talking like this.talking about everything with someone who could mean everything.but then you both realize how short this has to be for it to even mean anything.what we have must end by the sunrise,when the magic will be lost - the carriage turns back into a pumpkin.he is such a prince,but i am not the princess.

drats.

i can't take the

okayyyy UPDATES on my life even though nobody's listening!

i've been hired by church and in a week ill become a church worker(: hooray.everyone's happy about that.but i'm definitely scared to a pretty large extent about working with problem teens.i cannot imagine what i'm gg to do if they like make fun of me,insult me..gosh.don't want to think about that part.but the whole idea about working in church is already fun,tho i'm very sad that i wun be able to keep my job with aunty sk.i love working in the tuition centre!!!!

actually come to think of it,i don't really know why i'm offering to work with troubled teens esp since i'm so scared of people above the age of 10.they can be very insensitive and immature and i hate putting myself right in the line of fire..even with people my age.but then again i guess the world's like that too with adults.who are even more bitchy and nasty.hmm.

uhhhhm,my father offered to let me fly to egypt to meet him next next week for a week,but that means i'm going to have to postpone my 'start work' date by another week...omg i really want to see egypt though.except for the fact that my dad wants to climb mount sinai and i don't really want to.for obvious reasons.i've this feeling i'll chicken out again,from going to egypt altgt,that is.feel very bad if i had to tell mandy i wldn't be able to start work for another 2 weeks...

rachel challenged me yesterday to get a date for valentine's! very interesting challenge.that i don't want to take up.but to anyone out there who is willing to take the challange.do try! (: you cld even ask me out so i can win the challenge too,without trying.and someone please ask rachel ho out.must be cute and love art.

i have work tomorrow morning and will be bringing someone to church if everyth goes smoothly so yep,see everyone tmr again.i have yet to bring myself to skip YC.i do feel like not waking up early on sunday tho.bahhhh.

i am so tired out.

my secret life in a bell jar

oh crap.it's one of those points in blogging when you are so overwhelmed with emotion and pretty things to say,or rather,things to say in the prettiest of phrases - but when you finally load the blogpost page you more or less are too stunned by the blankness of the post box to remember anything.all that sadness that whizbanged all around in your head is lost just like that.

gosh i really cannot remember the words i had to say..

something about our lives being like two separate worlds cordoned off by bell jars,or perhaps i alone am in my own bell jar,and by fate/destiny/whatever can never be part of the world i always thought was mine for the taking too,back when i was naive and full of hopes and future.that sounded very heathen haha.but on a more spiritual note i know God has meant it this way for a reason that i may not know in the next 10 years.

all i can do is press my hands and face against the unyielding glass and gaze at the society reveling on the other side,beautiful girls,gorgeous men,elegant parties - people i know..yet people i at the same time don't know.

i belong to the world of normality,not luxury.i don't bother too much about the way i look,what i wear,how much i have.i don't fancy social gatherings,and have a strange phobia of meeting people much more experienced at society's must-do's than i am.i prefer to stick to people i've grown comfortable with than mixing around with people i barely know.i hate pretending that i want so badly to be part of that strange new world on the other side.because i don't have to,even if everyone else wishes they were there.i don't want to be pressured to socialize,to drink in the pleasures of the high life,the 20 year old life.yet i am vaguely drawn to,fascinated,by my peers and the examples they set on how i should be interacting with the world,the young.but i will continue to be more deeply awed by the true depth of human relationship and its possibilities.i prefer to nurture the little contact that i have with others,than to widen my scope of human acquaintance.

i am such a strange,lonely girl.

what could I give,to spend a day

out of these waters

what could I spend,to live a day

warm on the sand

up there on land

they understand

that you don't

reprimand your daughters

bright young women,sick of swimmin'

ready to stand

and ready to know what the people know

ask them my questions and

get some answers

what's a fire and why does it

what's the word

burn

when's it my turn

wouldn't I love

love to explore the shore up above

wondering free

wish I could be

part of his world

hangover

i don't believe i can get hangover sickness just by having one crazy night out.i usually sleep later than 2!! whatever it is,i don't really want to go to clarke quay anymore in my life.

or anywhere far away from home,for that matter.not until i figure out how to drive.

but i have to really appreciate esmond for being so gallant (even if you don't know what that means) on sunday midnight.thank you for being such a hero!

i finished transcribing uncle dan's first sermon today(: only 6 more to go! that's about 25 hours more of my life.tons more good material to soak in.time to get closer to God!

and i need a morning job.maybe i should work as a part-time maid.not that im not already that at home.

:O

a very private post

though I already know

today is still a fresh start for the 

future me and you

I will continue to glance your way and

practice saying your name 

even though you briefly turn to

return my greetings 

in my general direction

because you too, already know

Still I hold my tears and nod

with satisfaction

Today's attempt has not been 

wasted;

and every night the stars and moon

breathe away the day's deepest fears

tomorrow I'm ready to try again.

Perhaps I am pretending to forget

that I don't already know 

how our roads have parted long ago.

My smile holds no bitterness for you

My heart unable to tear away from you

wretched thing, I am

I gaze upon your face and wonder

how much more I have to wait

though I already know

a part of me still tries,

still won't let go

Dear Mum,

I wanted to write this so that I wouldn’t have to bear with the day I finally come to terms with how much you mean to me, but you wouldn’t be there to hear it. I shall get straight to the point then. Although it’s just weird that I would even write to you instead of just telling you, the spur of the moment somehow makes me realize I will never get around to putting my thoughts and feelings into words until it is too late. I don’t know how long I have with you around, how long more I can assume you will last forever, but at least now I know time is never enough.

Today I thought about losing you, what it would be like witnessing you leaving me, watching you slip away from me visibly – should I have to in this life. I haven’t thought about this in ages, because most of the time I’m doing my own thing or being too annoyed with you to ever truly sit down and just think about how much influence you have on my life, as it is now and as it will be for a long long time. I don’t think you understand how much I mean it when I say I love you. I think about all you’ve done for me, all the difference you make to my life each day, even when I am so annoyed at you, and can’t help but miss you already. I cannot imagine not being able to wake up to your stupid radio, cannot imagine working in my room without having you pattering around somewhere in the house cleaning something. All these traces of you in my daily life I take for granted, as many people do, without noticing till this moment that just having you in my life in some remote corner of the house makes me love you for everything you are. It is actually a blessing to be able to go through all these things now and know that tomorrow I can hug you tight and appreciate you for one more day. I cannot live without you. I cannot deal with not having you. I cannot lose you.

Sometimes I hate you inside for being mean to me, or making me feel lousy about myself over the things you say. Sometimes I wish I could just be left alone, that you would not bother me. But the crazy thing is, that despite all the arguments and unhappiness our relationship has, I still somehow, in my crazy mind, love you beyond all measure of explanation. I cannot explain to you why, or how, or whatever for – I love you because you are a huge part of me, a huge part that I cannot do without. I never thought about that before. But as I do now I confess that I need you so much. I don’t want God to take you away from me yet. I’m not done with having you around.

It’s not that I think you are going to die soon, only God knows when and I hope He realizes I need you for at least 20 years more. I don’t want you to worry and think I’ve had some shocking revelation that I am going to lose you soon, and be sad over it. This is not the purpose of my writing to you. This is a letter that should have been written every day of my life since I’ve acknowledged you as my mother. This is a letter of thanks, a letter of memory, a letter of love. I don’t know how long you’re going to believe everything I’ve said here – perhaps till our next fight and then you’ll tell me it’s all bullshit. But I’m telling you now, and this will last a lifetime, that I am proud to have you as my mother despite of all you are, because of all you are. I’m practically devastated and hopeless without you. Don’t want to miss out on all the time I can spend with you, even if it’s doing stupid chores or just slacking around watching TV. I will miss shopping and eating nonsense with you, teaching you how to use the computer (and every other technical gadget you have attempted to destroy)…I will miss just being with you. You’re the only one who has ever believed so strongly in me, and I hope that to the end of your life you will know and remember how that has changed my life, changed the way I have chosen to live. I will not forget what you’ve taught me. Thank you for loving me.

In all aspects of the expression, and with all my heart – I love you too, Mum.

Your daughter, Joanne

if i were to die,

Delusion Angel- David Jewell

Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash.
Oh baby with your pretty face.
Drop a tear in my wineglass.
Look at those big eyes.
See what you mean to me.
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes.
I'm delusion angel,
I'm fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Latched in life,
Like branches in a river,
Flowing downstream,
Caught in the current,
I'll carry you,
You'll carry me.
That's how it could be,
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

I might have been able to write something like that if i were very bored in GP.but i think that poem's pretty great.came from Before Sunrise,the movie that rachel convinced me to watch.i don't regret it.alot of great ideas and thoughts reached me.

i could spout an entire post on the beauty of the movie and its concept,but honestly at this moment i feel a bit numb.just a while ago i thought i was going to die for sure,or at least die soon..the sort of death where you wish you didn't have to leave so soon because there are still so many people to meet with.so many people you want,i want,to spend a day with just living out what our lives could be together,just like Before Sunrise.to finally know and understand someone in a way not possible by spending a whole lifetime together.it is a very strange yet beautiful irony,that the most profound and deep discovery of a person can only be done in at most a day of talking - because anything longer than that creates a memory of first impressions and first experiences together.and every other day from then on,is ceaselessly borne back into those moments,and nothing ever measures up.we just get more dissatisfied with the people we once thought we loved in that spur of the moment.there are too many people i have yet to know in that awesome way.i kept telling God i didn't want to die yet.i don't want to die at all.

today i was told by aunty sk that she dreamt my mother was going to die.just now when i thought i was the one instead,i woke my mother up and was on the verge of tears.i don't know how weird it must have been for her because she's the one supposed to be worried about dying - while here i was creeping into the room pleading for her to save me because i didn't want to die.it was a very surreal moment,thinking back.i felt better after she assured me nothing was wrong with me,and i was probably going to be fine.i cannot imagine life without her,that's what i thought when i had calmed down.i wouldn't know who to turn to.on the phone just before that was zwing.i couldn't bring myself to tell her i thought i was dying and why.i just said goodbye see you tomorrow,with my insides falling apart and wondering what to do.praying that God would do something.i knew i had to tell my mum,and it'll be alright.it was..but what am i going to do without her?there are things in this life that i can't even tell my best friend.that's what mums are for.i don't want to lose my mum.not in the next 50 years.no matter how much we argue.i don't want her to go anywhere and leave me alone.i wouldn't know what to do.

i hope tomorrow everything will be okay.then maybe i can write a good post on Before Sunrise.

SMASHING GOOD TIME

The Youth Church, comprising of people as young as 12 to people as old as 20 plus plus plus (and some parents who waited at the end for their partying youngsters), ushered in the New Year with one of the biggest and most groundshaking worship sessions in SMASH history. From 7 in the evening to past 1 o'clock at night, the YCers were treated with games, colored drinks, a fabulous talent show and touching exhortation by Pastor Darren himself. At 11 30 worship was led by the amazing voices of Darryl Ho Ping and Joel Koh - possibly the two best male leads of the entire church. The combination of excitement of the coming year, an ever explosive performance of the Worship Team and everyone's passion for the God who brings the New Year heightened the moments of sheer power and praise, marking the first rave party for the Chapel. At the estimated stroke of midnight, colored toilet paper, clappers and huge beach balls were in full blast. Everyone was hugging and screaming, catching the attention of many of the adults in the Sanctuary above who were probably having a less youthful and energetic party. Mass dance time was ignored and worship started again for another full hour. It was the loudest and most fervent display of thankfulness and desire for a year blessed solely by God alone. The Fellowship Committee could never have done all they did without their MVP. 

(: SMASH was a success, for the 8th time.