if i were to die,

Delusion Angel- David Jewell

Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash.
Oh baby with your pretty face.
Drop a tear in my wineglass.
Look at those big eyes.
See what you mean to me.
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes.
I'm delusion angel,
I'm fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Latched in life,
Like branches in a river,
Flowing downstream,
Caught in the current,
I'll carry you,
You'll carry me.
That's how it could be,
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

I might have been able to write something like that if i were very bored in GP.but i think that poem's pretty great.came from Before Sunrise,the movie that rachel convinced me to watch.i don't regret it.alot of great ideas and thoughts reached me.

i could spout an entire post on the beauty of the movie and its concept,but honestly at this moment i feel a bit numb.just a while ago i thought i was going to die for sure,or at least die soon..the sort of death where you wish you didn't have to leave so soon because there are still so many people to meet with.so many people you want,i want,to spend a day with just living out what our lives could be together,just like Before Sunrise.to finally know and understand someone in a way not possible by spending a whole lifetime together.it is a very strange yet beautiful irony,that the most profound and deep discovery of a person can only be done in at most a day of talking - because anything longer than that creates a memory of first impressions and first experiences together.and every other day from then on,is ceaselessly borne back into those moments,and nothing ever measures up.we just get more dissatisfied with the people we once thought we loved in that spur of the moment.there are too many people i have yet to know in that awesome way.i kept telling God i didn't want to die yet.i don't want to die at all.

today i was told by aunty sk that she dreamt my mother was going to die.just now when i thought i was the one instead,i woke my mother up and was on the verge of tears.i don't know how weird it must have been for her because she's the one supposed to be worried about dying - while here i was creeping into the room pleading for her to save me because i didn't want to die.it was a very surreal moment,thinking back.i felt better after she assured me nothing was wrong with me,and i was probably going to be fine.i cannot imagine life without her,that's what i thought when i had calmed down.i wouldn't know who to turn to.on the phone just before that was zwing.i couldn't bring myself to tell her i thought i was dying and why.i just said goodbye see you tomorrow,with my insides falling apart and wondering what to do.praying that God would do something.i knew i had to tell my mum,and it'll be alright.it was..but what am i going to do without her?there are things in this life that i can't even tell my best friend.that's what mums are for.i don't want to lose my mum.not in the next 50 years.no matter how much we argue.i don't want her to go anywhere and leave me alone.i wouldn't know what to do.

i hope tomorrow everything will be okay.then maybe i can write a good post on Before Sunrise.