Dear Mum,
I wanted to write this so that I wouldn’t have to bear with the day I finally come to terms with how much you mean to me, but you wouldn’t be there to hear it. I shall get straight to the point then. Although it’s just weird that I would even write to you instead of just telling you, the spur of the moment somehow makes me realize I will never get around to putting my thoughts and feelings into words until it is too late. I don’t know how long I have with you around, how long more I can assume you will last forever, but at least now I know time is never enough.
Today I thought about losing you, what it would be like witnessing you leaving me, watching you slip away from me visibly – should I have to in this life. I haven’t thought about this in ages, because most of the time I’m doing my own thing or being too annoyed with you to ever truly sit down and just think about how much influence you have on my life, as it is now and as it will be for a long long time. I don’t think you understand how much I mean it when I say I love you. I think about all you’ve done for me, all the difference you make to my life each day, even when I am so annoyed at you, and can’t help but miss you already. I cannot imagine not being able to wake up to your stupid radio, cannot imagine working in my room without having you pattering around somewhere in the house cleaning something. All these traces of you in my daily life I take for granted, as many people do, without noticing till this moment that just having you in my life in some remote corner of the house makes me love you for everything you are. It is actually a blessing to be able to go through all these things now and know that tomorrow I can hug you tight and appreciate you for one more day. I cannot live without you. I cannot deal with not having you. I cannot lose you.
Sometimes I hate you inside for being mean to me, or making me feel lousy about myself over the things you say. Sometimes I wish I could just be left alone, that you would not bother me. But the crazy thing is, that despite all the arguments and unhappiness our relationship has, I still somehow, in my crazy mind, love you beyond all measure of explanation. I cannot explain to you why, or how, or whatever for – I love you because you are a huge part of me, a huge part that I cannot do without. I never thought about that before. But as I do now I confess that I need you so much. I don’t want God to take you away from me yet. I’m not done with having you around.
It’s not that I think you are going to die soon, only God knows when and I hope He realizes I need you for at least 20 years more. I don’t want you to worry and think I’ve had some shocking revelation that I am going to lose you soon, and be sad over it. This is not the purpose of my writing to you. This is a letter that should have been written every day of my life since I’ve acknowledged you as my mother. This is a letter of thanks, a letter of memory, a letter of love. I don’t know how long you’re going to believe everything I’ve said here – perhaps till our next fight and then you’ll tell me it’s all bullshit. But I’m telling you now, and this will last a lifetime, that I am proud to have you as my mother despite of all you are, because of all you are. I’m practically devastated and hopeless without you. Don’t want to miss out on all the time I can spend with you, even if it’s doing stupid chores or just slacking around watching TV. I will miss shopping and eating nonsense with you, teaching you how to use the computer (and every other technical gadget you have attempted to destroy)…I will miss just being with you. You’re the only one who has ever believed so strongly in me, and I hope that to the end of your life you will know and remember how that has changed my life, changed the way I have chosen to live. I will not forget what you’ve taught me. Thank you for loving me.
In all aspects of the expression, and with all my heart – I love you too, Mum.
Your daughter, Joanne
No comments:
Post a Comment