my secret life in a bell jar

oh crap.it's one of those points in blogging when you are so overwhelmed with emotion and pretty things to say,or rather,things to say in the prettiest of phrases - but when you finally load the blogpost page you more or less are too stunned by the blankness of the post box to remember anything.all that sadness that whizbanged all around in your head is lost just like that.

gosh i really cannot remember the words i had to say..

something about our lives being like two separate worlds cordoned off by bell jars,or perhaps i alone am in my own bell jar,and by fate/destiny/whatever can never be part of the world i always thought was mine for the taking too,back when i was naive and full of hopes and future.that sounded very heathen haha.but on a more spiritual note i know God has meant it this way for a reason that i may not know in the next 10 years.

all i can do is press my hands and face against the unyielding glass and gaze at the society reveling on the other side,beautiful girls,gorgeous men,elegant parties - people i know..yet people i at the same time don't know.

i belong to the world of normality,not luxury.i don't bother too much about the way i look,what i wear,how much i have.i don't fancy social gatherings,and have a strange phobia of meeting people much more experienced at society's must-do's than i am.i prefer to stick to people i've grown comfortable with than mixing around with people i barely know.i hate pretending that i want so badly to be part of that strange new world on the other side.because i don't have to,even if everyone else wishes they were there.i don't want to be pressured to socialize,to drink in the pleasures of the high life,the 20 year old life.yet i am vaguely drawn to,fascinated,by my peers and the examples they set on how i should be interacting with the world,the young.but i will continue to be more deeply awed by the true depth of human relationship and its possibilities.i prefer to nurture the little contact that i have with others,than to widen my scope of human acquaintance.

i am such a strange,lonely girl.

what could I give,to spend a day

out of these waters

what could I spend,to live a day

warm on the sand

up there on land

they understand

that you don't

reprimand your daughters

bright young women,sick of swimmin'

ready to stand

and ready to know what the people know

ask them my questions and

get some answers

what's a fire and why does it

what's the word

burn

when's it my turn

wouldn't I love

love to explore the shore up above

wondering free

wish I could be

part of his world