this is life without you.

i think i'm missing rachel,zwing and steph too damn much.but it has just occurred to me this is what life would be like without my closest friends.like,super close friends.the people who know just about everything.of course that includes swan,so thank goodness i still have her around at times.but still,the closest have been gone for weeks now.if i was really old and everyone else had died before me,i guess this is what life is like.kinda depressive.

last night after the stupid,make that majorly stupid short argument with my dad that got me thinking (and crying like an idiot)...(i mean seriously,it was about the toilet light and who left it on again.)..i realized i wasn't even THAT mad at him for picking a quarrel at the dead of night about the stupidest thing possible.i was really mad at other people.the next hour of crying,after that possibly 5 minutes of stunned-into-crying when my dad got really pissed over my unnecessary hysterical state (i thought i really had switched it off,but looks like i was the last one),wasn't crying over the argument.it was like,crying over every single woe that has been on my heart for the past couple of days.i was thinking to myself in that creepy third person way that david used to point out,was that i'm a really unhappy person inside.come to think of it,i think i've mentioned this in some other blog post months before.i am so unhappy.i am so depressed and flattened by life's misery.how absolutely tragic!

today it was my mum's birthday and everyone was back to normal.we went out shopping and it was pretty fun.of course there were snippets of me sinking into depressed-alter-ego state when someone made an insensitive comment or two,but what i was really doing was looking at the world around me with a more,awakened kind of perspective.i mentioned 2 days ago that i had begun to wake up and smell the coffee.that life,even as horrible and fatalistic as it may seem,yet poetic,to my writer's soul before - was even more horrible and fatalistic,and not in much way poetic at all,now.something had fallen and shattered all upon the floor,perhaps too inside of me,and now i am on the verge of being an all out cynic.a chronic disbeliever in fairytales,an embittered melancholic.last night i wondered if i had anything left to live for.if i would miss anything too much on earth to leave.so far,i'm not convinced if i really want to stay.

just got back from suntec.watched national treasure 2 with my dad and brothers,along with an entire cinema of couples.one thing i am pretty certain of,is that i am never going to be someone's girlfriend.i won't get to do cheesy movie things like eating dinner with that someone,watch movies with that someone,tag along wherever that someone goes.i was looking at all the girlfriends and thinking how much different we are.am i a victim of my circumstance?i'm not sure.2 days ago bryan told me he was not boyfriend material.strangely,i've been thinking how i am so not girlfriend material.completely.of course,guys are needed to carry my luggage and make me feel a bit more safe in creepy places,but i cannot imagine myself strapped helplessly to the arm of someone who needs me as a trophy.why would anyone be proud to hang me on his arm?why would i even want to look like the lesser being??good God,that's precisely what mum was saying today about how i had to stop fighting for my own individual,female rights,and just let the guy take control.we're so different.she represents probably what all submissive females should be like,just agreeing with the guy in an argument so as to end it,whilst i just couldn't back down and let myself get trampled over by someone who threatened me only with physical advantage.like,you could beat me up to win the argument,but as long as my argument still stands the only loser is you.i am such a bloody feminist sometimes.exactly why my parents tell me i probably can't get married.every day i hear that.for a whole myriad of reasons.

these reasons do hurt.

and right now,i just don't feel like talking about it anymore.