always behind me

sometimes i prefer to live in the present
see and hear and breathe the present
when i'm happy i only belong to the present
i will purposefully live to the fullest in the present
when i think i'm in love again i cannot do without the present
when i forget you i only want the future and the present
in my simple mind i dwell only in the present
for the present
forever in the present
but when the old pain swells up again, the present
falls away and i see and hear and breathe yesterday
the way you saw me and turned away
you didn't just move on you moved away
and on these miserable days i drop my present
and wallow in the past hoping to 

perhaps find my way back to you.

we all hurt the same way

i had a long and tiring day of work.i was inspired by the hoarders episode on home&health to stop being such a hoarder,so i cleared out my two ancient cupboards that nobody else knows exist but have always been in my room.

everything else can only be said on the secret blog.you know where to go.

perhaps not.

as darryl says,this is life..in bccsc

you decide.

trinette's lousy photography,my angellic moment (:

making eyes at each other..angry eyes that is.office enemies!

darryl actually looks nice.or maybe it's just the wall.

awww(:

i love this picture. (:

going the distance

one week of march left.in a way,time is passing pretty slowly.this week felt so draggy and in low spirits.i'm hoping for more excitement and out-of-ordinary activities this week.who can make my dreams come true?

the jonas brothers song is making me emo! it's so whiney but it actually grows on you.i'm also worrying about my interview at smu this saturday,though mark is trying to alleviate my anxiety.i hate interviews.i'm so painfully shy man.not that it's any use saying that because no one believes me but it's true.i hate interviews.

the braces aren't helping,let me tell you.everyone keeps making fun of me because of them.it's a bit...sad.i didn't know it was that bad.

a note to myself: get back in touch with God.i've been letting Him just hang this week.more consumed by my moody self and rebellious streak.it's all strange and new.i am so hate-able now.as in,you could hate me real easy.i keep snapping and getting annoyed at the slightest thing.i kinda more or less figured out the reason why,but i think it's time to stop being childish and human and try to do things a little more WWJD.

i gotta go sleep already cos i haven't been getting much of that at all these few days,and may just fall sick again if i continue pressurizing my poor mind to work in energy-starved conditions.have to remind darryl that i exist before he forgets me tomorrow morning.but just a little something i was turning over in my mind yet again - the true test of how much a person means to you would really be the distance you are willing to go,and the sacrifices you are so quickly ready to make,just to be with that person.it sounds silly and overused but i think there's a great deal of truth in that statement.

goodnight world.

"If a man could be in two places at one time I'd be with you." 

- If, Bread (a song by a band)

what's love event(:

living with a shadow overhead

i am such a monster these days.i come home early to be faced with another variation of soft food (rice/noodles with soup) and have to decide how to waste the rest of the evening away,as long as it involves the remote control,my favourite black swivel chair and the 40-inch samsung (i think that's the brand).then i go online at 10 plus,put off the tiresome brushing teeth till later,and click my mouse hoping to find someone interesting to talk to,nag about my painful mouth,brood about how static and one-dimensional life is.

i didn't even plan anything today,and it's a holiday!when i finally have a day to just do absolutely nothing,i forget that i have to actually plan my days instead of letting work hours and certain arrowing individuals plan my day for me.i wasn't in the best of moods yesterday so i was considering,though i can't believe myself now either,not coming to church for good friday.i've been so wrecked up and monotonous this whole week that i have to a large extent forgotten what good friday is all about.it isn't,i realize with daniel's prompting,just another church day.every day is church day since i work there yes,but not good friday.good friday is something more.now that i think about it again,i can't believe i told daniel i just didn't want to go.and i'm so glad that he made me.i'm so lapsing out of good deep communication with God nowadays,just looking at my life and frowning in bored displeasure,that i needed someone like daniel to remind me about what Jesus did.i suspect i did not even think of how good friday is all about Jesus until daniel said "good friday is all about what Jesus did for us".my life has just been all about the falling down,my bruised knee,my work frustrations,my relationships,my class outings,my macbook,my handphone,my car rides with darryl,my television shows,my story books,my university applications,my stupid teeth,my pathetic meals...always something about Joanne Joanne Joanne but never just Jesus.

i'm getting so frustrated over everything,it seems.i just want my cake and eat it,literally.i don't want things to continue being so constipated and awkward and upsetting everytime i try confronting them.neither do i want to use a fistful of my own lousy solutions to my problems because that's not the way i've learnt things should be done.i don't want to do things my way,even though it seems as though my things are my things and God has nothing to do with them.my hurting teeth are mine and not God's,and God can't do anything about them because it's part of the natural order that they hurt like shit for a week.i just hate feeling lousy and tired and hungry.i hate having the most basic of things not go my way.for goodness sake's this is just a hungry girl hoping to have a decent meal that is not in any way watery or mushy.i am so ashamed of myself and my behavior.how i let such a simple problem screw up my life,my friendships,my relationship with God.

my social life is zero,my days are the most boring and meaningless as long as i'm out of office,and nothing at all is exciting.i have no emotional input.i am cynical and displeased at the world around me.i am tired of love songs,of the pressure to seek romantic relationships,of having to give of myself to people who don't reciprocate.i am tired,of having to grow up so fast.

it scares me,as it scares darryl,as it scares trinette,as it scares the shit out of everybody.

i'm not ready.

mass destruction of lonely girl's life

she trips over the morning as it invites itself in

like every other morning it curls its way 

through her unlocked wooden door and

finds its way into her sleeping curls

her tightly pursed lips stressed by the nighttime cold

and like every other morning she dreams she's awake

thinks about reaching for her phone

dreams that she does

ignoring the morning's sun-tinted breath 

wafting through her frightened, hiding mind

today kisses her awake with a yell from downstairs

reminding her the clock isn't waiting, neither will he

Out pops her mess of hair from the shadow on her pillow

and into the sunlit hall she emerges

bravely stepping, though half-asleep, into the newness of day

did anyone message her while she slept? oh great

the toilet seat's left down again. did she check or did she dream?

there goes the alarm, left on again. I guess not

My braces taste of last night's toothpaste.. Nobody cares

I was hoping to get a reply. Hooray there's a book here to read

car

office

lunch

office

teatime

six o'clock

car

home

bathe

dinner

t.v.

macbook

book?

silence.

maybe God.

fall asleep hoping.

grumpy person

make that very unhappy grumpy person in severe tooth pain.

down here in the water so deep

today was my xray day,but as a result of watching the jap show till 2 plus and only getting sleep around 3,i woke up at 11 (after falling asleep after picking up a 9 a.m. call from trinette asking about my knee) and could only get to the doctor's at about 12.then i had to get a referral to east shore right outside my house,went there to get my xray done and had to wait till 3 to collect the results.in the mean time i completed my NUS application,thus rendering myself free from horrible uni apps for the rest of the next 2 weeks.AND nothing's broken,nothing's fractured.i've just got myself a beautiful set of 2 xray photographs of my left knee.i tried looking for my head xrays but my mum told me they were thrown away years ago.that is pure artistic potential going to waste i tell you.

to celebrate my newfound freedom from both work and uni apps,as well as peace of mind that my knee was no longer shattered in a few pieces i decided to lie down and gorge myself with lit and lang.i kinda gave up on the draggy p.s. i love you (i do not really like cecilia ahern's writing now that i'm experiencing it for myself) and moved on to the much more intriguing the time traveler's wife.it is indeed as mesmerizing as it is confusing.i'm not done with the first chapter so i'm still trying to figure out,with my slow dull mind,what exactly is going on and what kind of weird disease the male protagonist has.

then it was T.V. time! my most educational time of day.from E! to home&health to hour asia to star to channel 8,you really can learn alot from tv.i was especially caught up with human stories on home&health which covered the stories of 3 teenagers suffering from speech problems due to severe stammering.it was so painful just watching this guy called nathan trying so hard to talk to the camera about his issues,see him struggle to act in his performing arts class so that he wouldn't screw up during his school play.then there was another guy called woody who couldn't talk to strangers because he would get all nervous and not be able to get his words out besides the first syllable or so.and the last one was a younger girl also called joanne and she was so sweet and pretty,loved to read,but was so impaired by her stammering that people hung up on her when she tried calling in to apply for stuff or something.it was so heartbreaking.just thinking about how there are people out there in conditions worse than me,yet realizing that we're all in this huge rejected-by-majority-of-society problem together reduced me to tears actually.i cannot believe i cried,but at the same time i believe it cos inside i know what it feels like to literally battle the world head on every day of your life.to assert your self identity,to preserve your dignity and honour as a person despite of who you are,because of who you are.and it's not easy.

i wonder if i'm exuding some sort of ambient sadness because my mum just asked me if i was okay and insisted that i seemed sad.does watching too much TV and slacking around do that to you? what kind of sadness could it be man,the one i mentioned in my previous post? i can think of quite a few additional things that are getting me down,but all i want to do now is watch my wife and kids...music and lyrics (i still have NOT)...something,anything.i am also resisting all temptation to watch the other boleyn girl online.i think i shall just get the book and distract myself until midyear rolls around and it'll be out finally.ah.

is life now good?

leaving eden

just watched sky of love online and am extremely glad i didn't make anyone tag along with me to watch it in the cinema.it was beyond draggy,the concept was unoriginal,nothing about the cinematography was special...and i could have totally written a better story.where is the real emotion!? where is the real dialogue!? where are the words spoken that break your heart?! a good movie needs to make you feel for the characters,not just watch them statically.

anyway i'm going for my xray for the kneecap tmr and really really hope and pray that i haven't fractured anything,although i suspected i might have the minute i tripped over my living room stool.i don't want to be in crutches for a few months man.when my mum thought she felt fragments of bone where my knee cap is my heart just sank.like before that it seemed pretty drama and cool to have like,done something really original to my knee,a rather novel (is that how you spell it?) idea.but when i actually realized the true possibility of having a shattered kneecap i just totally died inside man.i do NOT want to have to deal with a broken leg.it's lifetime damage!! 

life for me now is such a web of frustration really.there's nothing too great,nothing too happy,nothing to look forward to.i'm just looking for a good break,no worries,no responsibilities.i just want to laze around and read my pile of literature that feli's been generously feeding me.i finished love in the time of cholera,and now have moved on to p.s. i love you (which is NOT literature).i also have that serious love book to read,though i'm currently not in the mood for anything along those lines.then there's the time traveler's wife (which looks very good) and remains of the day (which i have never heard of but feli says is very good).and now im inspired to read the other boleyn girl (by...i forgot the author's name again.).it sounds so good! see how many books i NEED to read? i have no time at all! just took on another tuition student,which means at least half a day will be burnt giving tuition in my week.

i mean,how not to be frustrated to a pretty annoying extent.first there's uni apps.i have to do sth about ntu's appraisals,finally decide what to sign up for in nus....and with my fantastically-nothing-to-shout-about results,my parents KEEP worrying about whether i'm going to get ANYWHERE and that's just making me nervous and fidgety about things too.i was so upset when my dad suggested retaking A lvls that i was crying in fits of anger and even greater bouts of frustration.on one hand i really can't be bothered with all this uni stuff,just apply and be done with it,see where God puts me.and on the other i'm like bombarded with SUGGESTIONS and ADVICE and WORRY it's like having my fingers squashed before i can even type out my online application.i want the world to just leave me alone so i can face it solitarily. 

today i stood silently,thanks to my nonexistent singing voice (which is another contributor to my great deal of inner frustration,i can't even sing along with darryl in his car),in church service listening to worthy is the lamb (or the song before that) and just felt absolutely sad for a very irrelevant reason.my mind was wandering and i knew God wouldn't have been very happy about that but for that instance i couldn't help it.then suddenly i realized that Jesus was right there with me,knowing my inmost thoughts and emotions that i can't and won't even express,understanding the turmoil within me that everyone refuses to talk too much about, only telling me the exact same thing (the solution).i pictured Jesus sitting beside me watching the sun glow over a quiet river,holding my hand,not saying anything.knowing exactly what i was feeling and mourning inside my heart over and over,but not giving the advice i have grown so tired of hearing.i already know the solution and will implement it,but at this point in time i just don't want to hear about it anymore and just be allowed to feel sadness and regret...just to sit in silence and grieve.i knew then that Jesus was my ultimate friend,the only one who would watch the sunset in silence instead of telling me how wrong i am to feel and think this way up till now,make me feel stupid and helpless... Just holding my hand and being there with me was all i really wanted.no words.no rebuke.no condemnation.just freedom to experience emotions that He made me with,knowing full well that He's ready to catch me should i fall,yet at the same time just waiting there to be with me when i drift alone in the lows of my life.

at this point of solitude with my Saviour sitting beside me hurting with me along the river in my head,a tear rolled down my cheek.i have to admit to myself how broken my heart truly is and how much work God's got to do to mend it.

it's so hard to leave eden.

sometimes I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away.

last night i wanted to do a post about chris brown but my browser jammed again

ignore jingyang.

the sweet kids i work with(:

darryl,mary and i.

me climbing the crazy watchtower.

self-explanatory.

things are not so sane in the office.

zero for zero skill.

soccer girl!


darryl was seasick.

i am still crazy over chris brown

it's my 4th day or so listening to Chris Brown's With You and i still love it.i still am falling madly in love with Chris Brown himself too.he is so so so so so cute.it is hilarious to sing (actually,croak,since my throat still hasn fully recovered) that song and imagine absolutely no one.as in,my 'you' in 'with you' doesn't even exist because i don't particularly enjoy being with anyone to a romantic extent.no one but Chris Brown,maybe.and the person i might really enjoy being with to a romantic extent currently does not deserve any of my sentiments.so i'm emotionally single.

i caught myself being emo today.this is what i wrote..along with a bit more nonsense on my 'To Do' piece of paper:

On the days I forget you, I think I'll live.

i don't know how much truth there is to that statement,but i definitely can generate good emo shit whenever i get distracted by certain somethings man.i read my secret blog and i swear i wld have cried if i wasn't the writer.i was thinking about how raw and painful yet beautiful my words were. (: such a narcissist but i think a bit of self-love won't hurt now right.

uni applications suck big time,btw.

b.w.u.

absolutely cute guy,

I'm into you and

no one else would do

With every kiss and every hug

you make me fall in love

And now I know I can't be the only one

I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight

With the love of their life who feel

what I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, 

with you.

ABBB

in case you were wondering what i got for A lvls,after all the mugging and crying and complaining.there is God in that result,i must remind you.God's in the horrendous C for GP,because now i don't have to do law (i can't,sheesh,...yes!!!!!).God's definitely in the lack of an A for geography because physical was just screwed for me (i knew it the minute i blanked out for last drq).God's in my ABBB.i just need to believe that and one day i'm going to see it.going to see why.

i mean,a B for econs? which everyone sadly and secretly knew that i was going to need some sort of miracle to even pass?God's in the B.and after failing math like a lot of times too..a B for math is already pretty good! i don't even know why i'm explaining this again,but i think its got something to do with my deep desire to believe God's in control.i was sad for a day,and then the next day things went back to normal and i knew i was still just as loved,just as appreciated,just as accepted for who i am,even who i am with ABBB AND a C for GP.

like,the human part of me that usually forgets to embrace the concept of God totally hates that score.i know because i heard myself thinking it today,and alot of times since friday.that i have like a really shitty result.like,shit.shit.shit.SHIT.and everytime my dad worries about how i'm going to get into a decent course like mass comm,double degree,whatever..i hear myself thinking,omg i know i have the shittiest results ever,are you trying to say this is my fault?that i got myself into this shit and now have to dig my sorry way out somehow?now that's the human side of me that i've been desperately trying to suppress.

but of course,excusing the bad language,i'm a changed person.i promised God and myself i wasn't going to just repeat the same drama crap that i cooked up during O lvl results.the 3 days of crying and sobbing..moping around feeling sorry for myself.i mean yeah i did do that after i got back from my class outing which delayed all my unhappiness but only for a while.but look at what happened after i got 9 points.i met great people,i went to a great place.and only God knew that at first,i just had to take the step of faith and leap into the unknown.God has never played me out.not even when i got so mad at him for even giving me 9 points and refused to talk to him for a week.wth,9 points isn even BAD in the first place and neither is ABBB AND A C for GP.not THAT bad,not even BAD.i was back to being happy and normal the very next day,when kevin came over to bake.something about kevin just makes me feel that the world is completely rational,sane,and the same regardless of my existence, my predicaments and my mood swings.i think the phrase is 'keeping me grounded'.i stop hallucinating and acting like judgement day has just taken place and i have just been deemed the most inappropriate being on earth.

omg,i really mean that.as in,that makes sense when i read it again.think about it! now that's why i'm so blessed to know him.seriously God's hero to me.in all my ridiculous rantings and predictions that i am weird and no one will ever understand me...i can get ABBB and act out like an ass over it and still be a wonderful person in his terms.i mean my bestfriends all see me the same way,just that i don't think i've ever truly believed them as much as i do kevin.a major part of me has returned to earth and started living like a normal human would,that means minus all the previous conviction that i was an alien without any particular gender type.

i've just put all my thoughts and musings in my brain into words.i am amazed at myself.watching Juno certainly has done wonderful things for my writing block (as you realize,i haven't blogged since 2 weeks ago).

there are so many things going through my head these days.alot of confusion and contradictions.like a crazy traffic jam of emotions and head stuff banging around inside me and making my new down-to-earth self severely dysfunctional.the other day,as i was telling some of you,i listened to 2 songs that meant something to me by accident while doing some work and ended up crying without noticing it until jeslyn called me and i looked up to find tears in my eyes.today my mum was talking about some university stuff and something she said made me think about certain things and i had tears in my eyes again.gosh.have you ever had a situation whereby you know in your head that whatever you wish for is completely impossible and stupid and you know that...but your heart just won't listen to you? not even when you have a perfectly fantastic alternative to your current choice? your head goes,GO THAT WAY,but your heart refuses to change routes and continues to head down the obviously wrong road? i've been feeling that way man.don't know what to do about it.as steph says,it's been an awfully long time and it's time to start trying a little harder to do the obviously right thing.steph you know what i mean.

i wanna know where God wants me to go.

from grieving to grooving

i think i've forgotten how to blog.because i sure don't feel like it now.

sometimes you take a while to understand why sad things happen.but as we discussed in cell today,it is the reaction to your circumstance that determines whether you truly are finding joy in your trial.do you curse God and die? or do you know deep down inside you that everyth's going to be just fine,because God only gives what is good.you may weep...grieve...but there will come a time when things fall into place as God promised all along,and life is great because life hurt first.

but i do want to see some good results.i hope God knows.i mean of course He does.but,yeah.good enough to get me somewhere satisfactory.

sigh.

life can't be just like that

life is cruelly ironic.in order to have something,you have to give up something else.in order to have one day,you give up many more.a week in exchange for 3 years.this was one tough week.more than i ever bargained for.a sheer overdose of Duane.and it was surreal,really,just sitting there marveling at myself and how far i've come.what i have gone through just to get here.tears,fatigue,perseverance,complaining,determination,prayer,power,love.

i don't know why i didn't even feel sad at all when D said he was leaving.up till today,i still was in a state of okay,so what.like i just felt it wldn make a difference whether he stayed or left.but as the days wore on and the video started coming tgt reality just starts sinking in and the handsome face i had been staring at nonchalantly for the past hours began to stir memory and meaning once again in me.all that stuff i chucked away and cleanly forgot about in some rebellious attempt to stop being stupid and delusioned fell right out of the cupboard onto my feet,figuratively speaking.

actually it was seeing D again tonight and saying goodbye formally.thinking about it the good old D i hadn't talked to in ages simply resurfaced and suddenly i knew that guy again.i knew him,i know him.i know finally,then,now,that this is the guy i am saying goodbye to.i have to say goodbye once again to.

maybe i'm not so relieved and ecstatic that the party week is over after all.

i fell sick,i got so many pimples,i was so tired out everyday,i lugged my laptop equipment from kembangan to serangoon by foot and by bus,i endured emotional torment and struggle,i used up so much heart and soul to give my very best,i risked our slowly mending friendship,i allowed myself to plunge back into dangerous waters.

but it was all worth it.the sacrifice for you always made sense in the deepest closets of my soul, Duane Ho J.H.

you have a great trip.

emo songs rewind,

you got it.vday is dday!

long awaited photos!

you're going going gone

your eyes are full
full of the future of us
the air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
it is as if
I knew you before I spoke
do our hearts know something we don't?
conspiring,converging
without giving us any say
you sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows as I wait
you could be the thief
I give the key to
you're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
with sonnets from secondhand books
playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
you sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows as I wait
you could be the thief
I give the key to
it fits in your hand like the water in rain
it unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
rather than wait
till I put me out for the taking
you're breaking
you're breaking
you're breaking into my heart

and I'm letting you.

- brooke fraser,one of the singers in hillsong united

a few thoughts in my head now, think i should be going to sleep soon..or i wouldn't be able to wake up again for church tomorrow.kevin's playing so i guess i should make the extra effort to have a good attitude and go support him.which reminds me also that i met kahleng today and she agreed to go to church in 2 weeks time with me! speaking of which i forgot to reply her msg.darn.

another strange thing i realized this week the day of the switchfoot concert (was it 31st?) was that the chorus of 'gone' by switchfoot are the words of my secret blog's blogskin.how WEIRD! like,i think i got the whole stanza from one of steph's old blog posts and thought it was a nice poem written by her.until i heard the song for the first time.wow,i have a history with this song.

david also said something to me before he went offline just now and it was one of those strike you in the face things.am i that fickle.i'm such an idiot if what he said about me is true.i possibly might just have the most confused heart in the world.and a very pertinent observation from this would be if i ever fall in love with dave himself he'll never believe me.i don't know yet if that's going to be a good thing.hmm.but that is something worth asking him abt soon.like monday,when he drives me home.

today will soon be gone
like yesterday is gone
like history is gone
the world keeps spinning on
you're going going gone
like summerbreak is gone
like saturday is gone (it sure is!)
just try to prove me wrong
you pretend like you're immortal

one of the most lingering things on my mind would be about duane's departure.can't help but think about it from time to time,although it doesn't affect me negatively in any way,since nothing anyone can do can stop him from leaving.after thursday night i felt quite empowered actually,like i reached some point of life when going out at some crazy hour at night was now perfectly okay.of course,that is not what i should have learnt,but still,it was like some strange sort of emancipation or something.

he said she said
live like no tomorrow
every moment that we borrow
brings us closer to God

whatever it is i'm ranting,something in me has been admitting from time to time that i'm still going to miss duane pretty much even though there isn't much of a problem about it in the first place.

make that very, very much.

gone baby gone.

remember how i felt like the world landed across my chest and crushed me with a dull thud? when i could see my heart in my head,gasping to be freed from the weight of what i now knew..my mind racing with words i couldn't put together in time to save myself.a voice fallen silent,locked inside with no words to offer solace to my own ears.a pain,a pain..I only know there is a deep,swollen pain within me..a pain..a pain.present tense,past tense..today it's like we're breaking up all over again.

i can't breathe.

someone's going away

someone's leaving us for a better place! :(

but soon quite a few of us will be leaving too,who knows who is going where to study once the results are out next month.everyone's chasing their future careers now.i wonder what I'm doing about mine.tmr i'm starting work in church and i think i'll just go and find out what i'm in for instead of worrying about it at all.

anyway i've been doing some thinking and watching how God's working in my life and at this point of time i'm feeling quite awed yet quite calm.but i do realize,in the past 5 minutes,that God has just saved me from a very painful week,month ahead.stopped tears.changed my life in the past week.made me a different person just by reading Captivating and choosing to do the right thing 2 and a half weeks ago.i feel as though God has been putting the brakes on in my life and doing something finally.saving me.God is the hero of my story.

yup you heard me.i'm not falling apart.

can this be beyond sunrise

i'm falling asleep plus my stomach kinda hurts.thus not in the best of moods.oh plus my brother gave me his friend's blog and since he's like some sort of piano genius there's tons of nice piano to listen to.just the thing for me.it's the number one kill-me-softly method.

hmm.my eyes are closing so nothing particularly astute to say tonight.

oh,but i did meet max at the bus stop after church,then we went to see rachel at the interchange bus stop where she happened to be after that.so coincidental.max is horribly depressed.iv never seen him so low before (PARDON the pun on his surname.) all rach n i could give him were hugs of..er,condolences? wonder how trinette reacted to his results..that woman is also MIA.

i cannot believe i haven't seen rachel since A lvl mugging started..that's like almost 5-6 months of not SEEING each other.i don't know how i lasted through all that.RACHEL I MISSED YOU LIKE,A DAMN LOT.it was great having you over for dinner and getting to just talk sooooooooooo much to you about life these days.you're the weirdest BFF ever.(:(:(: love you!

i don't know if my eyes are half closed as a reaction of my soul to beautiful music,or sheer sleepiness.i've this feeling i won't be going to church tmr again.aarrggghh.

for all the conversations we have
for your love affair with art
for your longgggg blog posts I never read
for my writing you can't understand
for every twilight hour we've spent together
for those long crappy phone calls
for all the hot guys in between;)
for melvin!!!!!!!!
for the youth camp we both went to!!!!!!!!
for your left hand and my right hand!!!!!!!!!
for our years of wearing funky glasses
for always somehow understanding me
for remaining rachel ho,the girl everyone in church knows
for holding that grudge over the msn issue 6 years ago
for loving me anyway

all this is so rubbishy i bet you're laughing (or you still don't read my blog too much;)).but thanks for just being with me.(:

that was so before sunrise

you talk to someone who is practically a stranger.someone who does not know you,does not really know your friends,does not have any idea what he is in for just by offering to know you.you have your story,you know he has a story too.but all this is not of utmost importance tonight.all you want to do is just talk.talk about stuff that matters.talk about stuff that you secretly think do matter,but nobody else knows.let that person into the deepest chambers of your soul,to places even you seldom explore within your heart.it is as though that person holds the key to your inner being,knows exactly what to say without even knowing your last name - has known you all along.his smile,which you have only seen for the few hours of your life together,invites you out from behind your defences,embraces everything you are in a few short words and a laugh.and in your head you're thinking,oh my gosh he is everything i could want.i could spend many more days just talking like this.talking about everything with someone who could mean everything.but then you both realize how short this has to be for it to even mean anything.what we have must end by the sunrise,when the magic will be lost - the carriage turns back into a pumpkin.he is such a prince,but i am not the princess.

drats.

i can't take the

okayyyy UPDATES on my life even though nobody's listening!

i've been hired by church and in a week ill become a church worker(: hooray.everyone's happy about that.but i'm definitely scared to a pretty large extent about working with problem teens.i cannot imagine what i'm gg to do if they like make fun of me,insult me..gosh.don't want to think about that part.but the whole idea about working in church is already fun,tho i'm very sad that i wun be able to keep my job with aunty sk.i love working in the tuition centre!!!!

actually come to think of it,i don't really know why i'm offering to work with troubled teens esp since i'm so scared of people above the age of 10.they can be very insensitive and immature and i hate putting myself right in the line of fire..even with people my age.but then again i guess the world's like that too with adults.who are even more bitchy and nasty.hmm.

uhhhhm,my father offered to let me fly to egypt to meet him next next week for a week,but that means i'm going to have to postpone my 'start work' date by another week...omg i really want to see egypt though.except for the fact that my dad wants to climb mount sinai and i don't really want to.for obvious reasons.i've this feeling i'll chicken out again,from going to egypt altgt,that is.feel very bad if i had to tell mandy i wldn't be able to start work for another 2 weeks...

rachel challenged me yesterday to get a date for valentine's! very interesting challenge.that i don't want to take up.but to anyone out there who is willing to take the challange.do try! (: you cld even ask me out so i can win the challenge too,without trying.and someone please ask rachel ho out.must be cute and love art.

i have work tomorrow morning and will be bringing someone to church if everyth goes smoothly so yep,see everyone tmr again.i have yet to bring myself to skip YC.i do feel like not waking up early on sunday tho.bahhhh.

i am so tired out.

my secret life in a bell jar

oh crap.it's one of those points in blogging when you are so overwhelmed with emotion and pretty things to say,or rather,things to say in the prettiest of phrases - but when you finally load the blogpost page you more or less are too stunned by the blankness of the post box to remember anything.all that sadness that whizbanged all around in your head is lost just like that.

gosh i really cannot remember the words i had to say..

something about our lives being like two separate worlds cordoned off by bell jars,or perhaps i alone am in my own bell jar,and by fate/destiny/whatever can never be part of the world i always thought was mine for the taking too,back when i was naive and full of hopes and future.that sounded very heathen haha.but on a more spiritual note i know God has meant it this way for a reason that i may not know in the next 10 years.

all i can do is press my hands and face against the unyielding glass and gaze at the society reveling on the other side,beautiful girls,gorgeous men,elegant parties - people i know..yet people i at the same time don't know.

i belong to the world of normality,not luxury.i don't bother too much about the way i look,what i wear,how much i have.i don't fancy social gatherings,and have a strange phobia of meeting people much more experienced at society's must-do's than i am.i prefer to stick to people i've grown comfortable with than mixing around with people i barely know.i hate pretending that i want so badly to be part of that strange new world on the other side.because i don't have to,even if everyone else wishes they were there.i don't want to be pressured to socialize,to drink in the pleasures of the high life,the 20 year old life.yet i am vaguely drawn to,fascinated,by my peers and the examples they set on how i should be interacting with the world,the young.but i will continue to be more deeply awed by the true depth of human relationship and its possibilities.i prefer to nurture the little contact that i have with others,than to widen my scope of human acquaintance.

i am such a strange,lonely girl.

what could I give,to spend a day

out of these waters

what could I spend,to live a day

warm on the sand

up there on land

they understand

that you don't

reprimand your daughters

bright young women,sick of swimmin'

ready to stand

and ready to know what the people know

ask them my questions and

get some answers

what's a fire and why does it

what's the word

burn

when's it my turn

wouldn't I love

love to explore the shore up above

wondering free

wish I could be

part of his world

hangover

i don't believe i can get hangover sickness just by having one crazy night out.i usually sleep later than 2!! whatever it is,i don't really want to go to clarke quay anymore in my life.

or anywhere far away from home,for that matter.not until i figure out how to drive.

but i have to really appreciate esmond for being so gallant (even if you don't know what that means) on sunday midnight.thank you for being such a hero!

i finished transcribing uncle dan's first sermon today(: only 6 more to go! that's about 25 hours more of my life.tons more good material to soak in.time to get closer to God!

and i need a morning job.maybe i should work as a part-time maid.not that im not already that at home.

:O

a very private post

though I already know

today is still a fresh start for the 

future me and you

I will continue to glance your way and

practice saying your name 

even though you briefly turn to

return my greetings 

in my general direction

because you too, already know

Still I hold my tears and nod

with satisfaction

Today's attempt has not been 

wasted;

and every night the stars and moon

breathe away the day's deepest fears

tomorrow I'm ready to try again.

Perhaps I am pretending to forget

that I don't already know 

how our roads have parted long ago.

My smile holds no bitterness for you

My heart unable to tear away from you

wretched thing, I am

I gaze upon your face and wonder

how much more I have to wait

though I already know

a part of me still tries,

still won't let go

Dear Mum,

I wanted to write this so that I wouldn’t have to bear with the day I finally come to terms with how much you mean to me, but you wouldn’t be there to hear it. I shall get straight to the point then. Although it’s just weird that I would even write to you instead of just telling you, the spur of the moment somehow makes me realize I will never get around to putting my thoughts and feelings into words until it is too late. I don’t know how long I have with you around, how long more I can assume you will last forever, but at least now I know time is never enough.

Today I thought about losing you, what it would be like witnessing you leaving me, watching you slip away from me visibly – should I have to in this life. I haven’t thought about this in ages, because most of the time I’m doing my own thing or being too annoyed with you to ever truly sit down and just think about how much influence you have on my life, as it is now and as it will be for a long long time. I don’t think you understand how much I mean it when I say I love you. I think about all you’ve done for me, all the difference you make to my life each day, even when I am so annoyed at you, and can’t help but miss you already. I cannot imagine not being able to wake up to your stupid radio, cannot imagine working in my room without having you pattering around somewhere in the house cleaning something. All these traces of you in my daily life I take for granted, as many people do, without noticing till this moment that just having you in my life in some remote corner of the house makes me love you for everything you are. It is actually a blessing to be able to go through all these things now and know that tomorrow I can hug you tight and appreciate you for one more day. I cannot live without you. I cannot deal with not having you. I cannot lose you.

Sometimes I hate you inside for being mean to me, or making me feel lousy about myself over the things you say. Sometimes I wish I could just be left alone, that you would not bother me. But the crazy thing is, that despite all the arguments and unhappiness our relationship has, I still somehow, in my crazy mind, love you beyond all measure of explanation. I cannot explain to you why, or how, or whatever for – I love you because you are a huge part of me, a huge part that I cannot do without. I never thought about that before. But as I do now I confess that I need you so much. I don’t want God to take you away from me yet. I’m not done with having you around.

It’s not that I think you are going to die soon, only God knows when and I hope He realizes I need you for at least 20 years more. I don’t want you to worry and think I’ve had some shocking revelation that I am going to lose you soon, and be sad over it. This is not the purpose of my writing to you. This is a letter that should have been written every day of my life since I’ve acknowledged you as my mother. This is a letter of thanks, a letter of memory, a letter of love. I don’t know how long you’re going to believe everything I’ve said here – perhaps till our next fight and then you’ll tell me it’s all bullshit. But I’m telling you now, and this will last a lifetime, that I am proud to have you as my mother despite of all you are, because of all you are. I’m practically devastated and hopeless without you. Don’t want to miss out on all the time I can spend with you, even if it’s doing stupid chores or just slacking around watching TV. I will miss shopping and eating nonsense with you, teaching you how to use the computer (and every other technical gadget you have attempted to destroy)…I will miss just being with you. You’re the only one who has ever believed so strongly in me, and I hope that to the end of your life you will know and remember how that has changed my life, changed the way I have chosen to live. I will not forget what you’ve taught me. Thank you for loving me.

In all aspects of the expression, and with all my heart – I love you too, Mum.

Your daughter, Joanne

if i were to die,

Delusion Angel- David Jewell

Daydream, delusion, limousine, eyelash.
Oh baby with your pretty face.
Drop a tear in my wineglass.
Look at those big eyes.
See what you mean to me.
Sweet-cakes and milkshakes.
I'm delusion angel,
I'm fantasy parade,
I want you to know what I think.
Don't want you to guess anymore.
You have no idea where I came from.
We have no idea where we're going.
Latched in life,
Like branches in a river,
Flowing downstream,
Caught in the current,
I'll carry you,
You'll carry me.
That's how it could be,
Don't you know me?
Don't you know me by now?

I might have been able to write something like that if i were very bored in GP.but i think that poem's pretty great.came from Before Sunrise,the movie that rachel convinced me to watch.i don't regret it.alot of great ideas and thoughts reached me.

i could spout an entire post on the beauty of the movie and its concept,but honestly at this moment i feel a bit numb.just a while ago i thought i was going to die for sure,or at least die soon..the sort of death where you wish you didn't have to leave so soon because there are still so many people to meet with.so many people you want,i want,to spend a day with just living out what our lives could be together,just like Before Sunrise.to finally know and understand someone in a way not possible by spending a whole lifetime together.it is a very strange yet beautiful irony,that the most profound and deep discovery of a person can only be done in at most a day of talking - because anything longer than that creates a memory of first impressions and first experiences together.and every other day from then on,is ceaselessly borne back into those moments,and nothing ever measures up.we just get more dissatisfied with the people we once thought we loved in that spur of the moment.there are too many people i have yet to know in that awesome way.i kept telling God i didn't want to die yet.i don't want to die at all.

today i was told by aunty sk that she dreamt my mother was going to die.just now when i thought i was the one instead,i woke my mother up and was on the verge of tears.i don't know how weird it must have been for her because she's the one supposed to be worried about dying - while here i was creeping into the room pleading for her to save me because i didn't want to die.it was a very surreal moment,thinking back.i felt better after she assured me nothing was wrong with me,and i was probably going to be fine.i cannot imagine life without her,that's what i thought when i had calmed down.i wouldn't know who to turn to.on the phone just before that was zwing.i couldn't bring myself to tell her i thought i was dying and why.i just said goodbye see you tomorrow,with my insides falling apart and wondering what to do.praying that God would do something.i knew i had to tell my mum,and it'll be alright.it was..but what am i going to do without her?there are things in this life that i can't even tell my best friend.that's what mums are for.i don't want to lose my mum.not in the next 50 years.no matter how much we argue.i don't want her to go anywhere and leave me alone.i wouldn't know what to do.

i hope tomorrow everything will be okay.then maybe i can write a good post on Before Sunrise.

SMASHING GOOD TIME

The Youth Church, comprising of people as young as 12 to people as old as 20 plus plus plus (and some parents who waited at the end for their partying youngsters), ushered in the New Year with one of the biggest and most groundshaking worship sessions in SMASH history. From 7 in the evening to past 1 o'clock at night, the YCers were treated with games, colored drinks, a fabulous talent show and touching exhortation by Pastor Darren himself. At 11 30 worship was led by the amazing voices of Darryl Ho Ping and Joel Koh - possibly the two best male leads of the entire church. The combination of excitement of the coming year, an ever explosive performance of the Worship Team and everyone's passion for the God who brings the New Year heightened the moments of sheer power and praise, marking the first rave party for the Chapel. At the estimated stroke of midnight, colored toilet paper, clappers and huge beach balls were in full blast. Everyone was hugging and screaming, catching the attention of many of the adults in the Sanctuary above who were probably having a less youthful and energetic party. Mass dance time was ignored and worship started again for another full hour. It was the loudest and most fervent display of thankfulness and desire for a year blessed solely by God alone. The Fellowship Committee could never have done all they did without their MVP. 

(: SMASH was a success, for the 8th time.

bah.

david foo is possibly the biggest idiot tonight.he is so annoying.so annoying.

SO ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGG.

but sadly very very,very funny.sigh.

pics.....>:(