bah.

david foo is possibly the biggest idiot tonight.he is so annoying.so annoying.

SO ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGG.

but sadly very very,very funny.sigh.

pics.....>:(

to me you are perfect

watching love actually takes you out of your boring,hopeless life and immerses you in a world of dreams eerily coming true.sigh and wake up when the movie ends.life isn't that fantastic.

i found the pieces in my hand

they were always there

it just took some time for me to understand

you gave me words i just can't say

so if nothing else

i'll just hold on while you drift away;

this song just started playing on my itunes.how weird!!!! i didn't even click anything.anyway,read my previous post for a good read.i can't think of anything better to express myself now.sometimes i wish i could paint,because then i could paint the way i feel at any moment.

i held the pieces of my soul

i was shattered

and i wanted you to come and make me whole

then i saw you yesterday

but you didn't notice

you just walked away

i was thinking about it just now in the toilet.i really do want words for Christmas.i just want to hear them,read them,have them pummel through me and blow my insides apart with their honesty.words are the most powerful things in the world.it's little wonder why i did 'the pen is mightier than the sword' for GP essay.just a few words can break a man.words mean so much to me.ho meng told me that last year.i don't think he could have been more right.

your words are the pieces of your soul.it frustrates me when i don't get much of them.

sigh,most of the time i am a sad,blabbering fool.

i kissed the screen today.but i must get over you.sorry.

achingly beautiful

my mind is in a fuzz,very very tired out from today's chasing after giant beach balls.i never want to do log for FC again.but the elation of finally finding the balls at a good price was pretty memorable.i just gawked and pointed and was on the verge of just screaming while tinsley i presume pretended not to know me.not that he was any less a kid.which 18 year old guy going into army in 2 weeks buys himself a toy car? but he's still one of those few ppl who always make me laugh my head off even when he's making fun of me.i actually appreciate that.

whenever i listen to slow piano music,the sort that makes you relax,i feel so inspired and pained all at the same time.it truly is achingly beautiful.it makes you want to ask pertinent questions and be answered in the most poetic and touching way ever.it makes you want to listen,above the notes,the truth of someone's heart speaking straight to yours on waves of melody.both in words that can express,and in emotion that sometimes cannot.too many times we hold back our true responses,hide our true questions - such that a moment is robbed mercilessly of the beauty its memory should have,and when we look back we are faced with empty spaces of words unsaid.pockets of time lags,hesitation.in our heads we have spoken many things,but to the people who should be hearing these words we say nothing most of the time.and then they die,and the little beauty we could have added to their world is stolen and lost forever.

that's why losing someone is so hard.because they don't know everything they should,from our own hearts and mouths,yet.sometimes even we don't know the words,but too many people take their own sweet time,or give up trying.make excuses.and then the people who matter most move along in life because they don't have all the time,and one of the most precious gifts they could have received is never sent.

those words are all i want for Christmas.

grace is not gone

merry christmas(:

he said 

she said

conversations with my other half

i gave up on the stupid FIRST video at about 2 sth and went blog hopping around my old SC friends' blogs.everyone's all grown up and basically young adult now.like i am,just that my life has pretty much been left unchanged and i still am,in all my essence of youth,jonk.surprisingly never changing.doing the video has been a highly annoying task,and i really want to do it for God,but i don't know how long i can hold up.

everyone seems to be off doing their own thing before christmas,and whilst i'm stuck doing the video,i also have no one to talk to online.i think david's sick of entertaining a very bored girl,who also happens to be under his charge and is evidently not doing her work.not sure.maybe it hasn't hit him yet that i'm talking to him instead of doing the more important thing of...the video.

sheesh,i can't even prepare christmas stuff properly because there's so much editing to be done! and i need the toilet now,too.been having little conversations in my own head with myself and a non-existent other person.thus my nicks would all not make any sense to anyone.

okay whatever i'm going to bathe now,then sleep at this sane hour.

he's my pirate.

i'm feeling happy! very lousy word to describe the bubbly feeling inside me,because it's the 21st and that means BOTH steph and rachel are HOME.only zwing is still floating out there in japan.today was somehow a really stressful yet fulfilling day.thinking back,it makes me smile.God did give me a good day after all.i almost believed it was screwed up for a while.

basically the filming was crazy and i was quite out of control without robyn,who usually is the one in control and i'm just the person who does her art and isn't very good at timing.many memories from today though.the spicey girls and clement made me laugh the hardest.it was horrible.horribly hilarious.esmond fetching me home in an emergency situation because my camera had no space,and trinette's camera had no battery.trinette and i rummaging through all the electronics in our house and lugging a whole lot of stuff,that included 2 laptops,back to church.filming was really crappy,but everyone just being together makes you feel warm and tingly inside.

ben,bryan,esmond,denise,brandon,rachel,aloy,josh,jon tan,sam tan,ben ng,joseph,clement,greg,aaron,glen,caron,charlene,abigail,darien,sam,marcus,zhipeng,minchieh,me.

i mean that is a serious lot of people.26,including trinette who was down to help film.an amazing lot.therefore whatever the outcome,at least we managed to have a little fellowship event all by ourselves! and it was a group of different people mixing together.especially over the volleyball aka lenny.everybody's favourite bundle of...cloth or something.

will not be doing any video work till...tomorrow night or something.just don't feel like touching it.not yet.

after i got home at 3 plus trinette and i decided to go out for an icecream,but we ended up having hightea/dinner at steph's favourite bakery depot.it's so nice spending time with her.we always have something to talk about.one of my favourite friends,indeed.then it started raining while we were appreciating the great photo scenery of the alley we had parked our bikes in so we cycled to sam's house,where my brother was,and had a good time hanging out there.it's just so nice being with friends.the cycling and icecream after that was enjoyable.see,it really makes me smile now.my brother n sam are such idiots together.

(:

oh and now the pirates song is stuck in my head because my dad bought pirates 3 off itunes or something.johnny depp is so hot,still.he has a really great side profile.that nose is so straight.

(:(:

and tomorrow's the christmas play! can't wait.

(:(:(:

soon,i'll have people to go out with and talk to again online,besides swan and david.

(:(:(:(:

christmas is coming.PRESENTS.

(:(:(:(:(:

i don't know what else i'm joyful over,BUT

(:(:(:(:(:(:!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is life without you.

i think i'm missing rachel,zwing and steph too damn much.but it has just occurred to me this is what life would be like without my closest friends.like,super close friends.the people who know just about everything.of course that includes swan,so thank goodness i still have her around at times.but still,the closest have been gone for weeks now.if i was really old and everyone else had died before me,i guess this is what life is like.kinda depressive.

last night after the stupid,make that majorly stupid short argument with my dad that got me thinking (and crying like an idiot)...(i mean seriously,it was about the toilet light and who left it on again.)..i realized i wasn't even THAT mad at him for picking a quarrel at the dead of night about the stupidest thing possible.i was really mad at other people.the next hour of crying,after that possibly 5 minutes of stunned-into-crying when my dad got really pissed over my unnecessary hysterical state (i thought i really had switched it off,but looks like i was the last one),wasn't crying over the argument.it was like,crying over every single woe that has been on my heart for the past couple of days.i was thinking to myself in that creepy third person way that david used to point out,was that i'm a really unhappy person inside.come to think of it,i think i've mentioned this in some other blog post months before.i am so unhappy.i am so depressed and flattened by life's misery.how absolutely tragic!

today it was my mum's birthday and everyone was back to normal.we went out shopping and it was pretty fun.of course there were snippets of me sinking into depressed-alter-ego state when someone made an insensitive comment or two,but what i was really doing was looking at the world around me with a more,awakened kind of perspective.i mentioned 2 days ago that i had begun to wake up and smell the coffee.that life,even as horrible and fatalistic as it may seem,yet poetic,to my writer's soul before - was even more horrible and fatalistic,and not in much way poetic at all,now.something had fallen and shattered all upon the floor,perhaps too inside of me,and now i am on the verge of being an all out cynic.a chronic disbeliever in fairytales,an embittered melancholic.last night i wondered if i had anything left to live for.if i would miss anything too much on earth to leave.so far,i'm not convinced if i really want to stay.

just got back from suntec.watched national treasure 2 with my dad and brothers,along with an entire cinema of couples.one thing i am pretty certain of,is that i am never going to be someone's girlfriend.i won't get to do cheesy movie things like eating dinner with that someone,watch movies with that someone,tag along wherever that someone goes.i was looking at all the girlfriends and thinking how much different we are.am i a victim of my circumstance?i'm not sure.2 days ago bryan told me he was not boyfriend material.strangely,i've been thinking how i am so not girlfriend material.completely.of course,guys are needed to carry my luggage and make me feel a bit more safe in creepy places,but i cannot imagine myself strapped helplessly to the arm of someone who needs me as a trophy.why would anyone be proud to hang me on his arm?why would i even want to look like the lesser being??good God,that's precisely what mum was saying today about how i had to stop fighting for my own individual,female rights,and just let the guy take control.we're so different.she represents probably what all submissive females should be like,just agreeing with the guy in an argument so as to end it,whilst i just couldn't back down and let myself get trampled over by someone who threatened me only with physical advantage.like,you could beat me up to win the argument,but as long as my argument still stands the only loser is you.i am such a bloody feminist sometimes.exactly why my parents tell me i probably can't get married.every day i hear that.for a whole myriad of reasons.

these reasons do hurt.

and right now,i just don't feel like talking about it anymore.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

which means 13 days left to SMASH.david's worries are not unfounded.but then again my part is kinda falling into place slowly and i'm so fortunate to have the team behind me somehow.friday 9 30! i can't wait and i really hope it all works out and everybody will get along well.and have fun.

working with the younger kids is scary.i can't believe i'm this nervous about it,but i am.nervous not just because i have an important duty to carry out and things just can't go wrong.i'm also nervous because i'm worried all the young kids will hate me by the end of this week.maybe i really am old,scary and not to mention highly annoying.

thankfully i got 2 cards done tonight.one for mum and the other for pa,whose birthdays just have to fall during smash prep as well as next to each other.i wrote thoughtful things,in order to make up for inexistant birthday presents.i don't even have existant christmas presents for anyone.i'm just so busy.

is that a good excuse?

ai,i don't know.maybe i won't be able to celebrate christmas properly this year.not with so much work to do for smash.i bet the missions video is going to come flying right back at me from huey,who probably will not do much to help.oh well.need God's help.God's really efficient btw.bryan and i were praying for the filming this week,and today things just start working out.i don't even need 2 days anymore.everyone WANTS to meet on friday.talent-spotting is going to be easy(: where is my protege!!!!!

i was feeling moderately philosophical just now,but because i was trying to think about meaningful things to write on my parents' birthday cards i kinda lost it.at first i was talking to dave about pretty interesting things,which made me realize how idealistic i was,and how tragic it was all going to be if i did not wake up and smell the coffee.i hate coffee.it's bitter and tastes like spoilt chocolate (which i love).coffee is like the ugly reality to chocolate's sweetened fantasy.i was almost truly convinced that some people (most people,guys,to be exact) were never going to change and no matter how great they all seemed to be they will never be as understanding,sensitive and big-hearted as you wish they were.and no,i will never be the prettiest or best girl around.therefore i must accept my humble position in life and move on quickly from one nice but unreachable guy to the next.and erase all sad poems about the beautiful tragedy of life.no guy is worth it.i don't know why i bother.

whenever i'm in a lonely mood i miss rachel incessantly.she's coming back tomorrow! nobody beats rachel and her listening prowess.i miss her like CRAZY.my mind is otherwise in nothing but a whirl now.goodbye.

in sooth i know not why i am so sad,
it wearies me,you say it wearies you,
but how i caught it,found it,or came by it,
...and what a wantwit sadness it makes of me
that i have much ado to know myself.
-a very inaccurate quotation of Shakespeare

hold on while i blog

i had sudden inspiration today while talking to a certain someone whom robyn will most certainly snort at and tell me to go kill myself.the inspiration was for my msn nick,which is 'hold on while i end my relationship',and yes i know it is so lame but i thought it was so funny when it flashed in my mind.basically what was happening was because i was trying to hold like a decent conversation with that someone whom robyn would be rolling her eyes at now while reading this (if she ever does,which is never) as well as juggling phone calls about smash.i've been so busy i could just eat my handphone and my smash notebook.so whilst i was trying to say goodbye quickly in bid to end the msn conversation so that i could actually talk properly to joshua on the phone,i felt like saying (outloud,into the receiver) 'hold on while i end my relationship' to him (josh) instead of 'hold on while i end my conversation'.i bet this makes no sense.but it felt distinctly freudian.the actual words flashed in my head.

i could just end this post now and make everything seem completely pointless.

okay since i've just paused for 2 minutes wondering which part of my lonely heart to spit out and chew on in this post and not gotten an answer,i think i shall.

aaron is skyping me!

i was choosing between typing an emo blogpost and talking to dear aaron cheong.looks like i chose to talk nonsense with aaron.he is leading such a boring life,like most of us.aaron is also cheating people's money giving tuition.but i guess since we were all his students once,in a way,i can vouch that he's actually a really good maths teacher.it was either him or mr lam.the same way it was either saili or ms yip.

okay now i'm off skype cos he needs to talk to mel so i'm back to blogging BUT not feeling emo anymore so i guess i'll probably sleep soon so that i can wake up early and play with the hairstraightener or sth.i think i'm going to give up CSI too.i cannot believe sara's going to leave!!!!!! or has left,to be precise.i liked jorja fox and grissom together! but i felt that the 'i love you you love me' part was quite retarded and underdeveloped.

sigh.as tinsley keeps reminding me,i should just go and get myself a boyfriend.

M.T.

my life is such a holed out place now.CSI has come in and made me more or less unshaken by the most gruesome and gory.i thought i was falling sick yesterday after spending the whole day out with my brothers,cousin,aunties and grandma looking for christmas presents.i've only found my mum's.but i did get 2 presents from my brother and my aunties.

i know i've got such a lot of stuff to do,

1. bible homework my dad gave all of us to complete
2. FC reject video plans,filming schedule,actors (major sigh)
3. find the huge beach balls (personally)
4. recap video (omg.)
5. countdown pictures and powerpt.
6. meet kahleng,hopefully
7. meet nicole,really hopefully
8. meet my darling RACHEL HO when she gets back
9. meet tinsley ASAP (he owes me)
10. go shopping for everyone's christmas presents,after i make the list

now i'm talking to robyn online and hooray swan has agreed to come to church with me tmr again! there's lunch with the cell too.

i'm basically a very busy,but lazy person.

another adventure tomorrow night with swan to look forward to.think i'm going to recce for beach balls.i can't believe i have to get so much stuff done by FC meeting next week.that reminds me.i want to learn to DRIVE too,so that dave,darryl or evelyn wouldn't have to ever fetch me back home again.

OKAY I'M RANTING.

broken by lifehouse

that night i spent listening to gabriel's music has taken some sort of toll on me.i wrote a poem,something i haven't felt like doing in ages.

Jaded.
I ran out of daydreams to put you in
the more real you become to me
the more my memory of you fades away
your name no longer in the wind
i take you out of my pocket
and without unfolding you
throw you away
i will,i will,i will,
forget you one day.

i'm sorry,you.