i'm hooked.
now's not my writing hour,don't feel particularly depressed or emotional or whatever.had 2 instances over the past few days.one was sparked off by the pro-ana documentary i caught on channel 70.left me feeling very sorrowful and confused.which i have been for 2-3 days now.then today i felt inspired after message because it addressed a lot of key issues that have been surfacing in my life.walked home thinking about how i wanted to make a difference in my life,to take up esmond's challenge and hear the truth.believe the truth.and change the way i've perceived things.as my dickens' notes kept harping on,sometimes the change simply cannot be of the society,but come from within the individual himself.very true.
couldn't stop thinking about what esmond said that night we had the serious discussion over life issues.and what the psychologist on oprah was saying about forgiveness and embracing life for yourself.what darren said about being empowered by the truth,to be set free.came to the conclusion after all the pieces fell together,that i need to forgive myself,accept my circumstances and embrace the life that stretches before me,in misery or not.
if i were to put all my grievances down,stop blaming myself for the road i'm on and start taking it all in my stride,leave the past behind me..life would be so much better,so much less tiresome.so free.
so i decided to make the choice.take the leap.and find new found confidence,a real step towards standing up for myself and trusting God to be in full control.not to be swayed by what the world whispers in my ears or shouts at me in attempt to tear me down.after all i can't forget what this woman on oprah was saying - if you change the attitudes you take towards yourself,you will change the way people around see you.think beautiful,be beautiful.
self-progress is such a scary yet wonderful thing.dickens will be proud of me.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I am probably one of the most honest people I know." - Nick Carraway, The Great Gatsby
"..it's like i dropped all notion of love,submission,gentility,care...when i lost him.he didn't define me,but he definitely was a big part of me.and it's a huge part i have learnt to live without,albeit in a very dysfunctional and tragic manner.im a hazard to myself.louis is like an alcohol.a drug.sth that drowns the loss i felt that day.sth to help me forget the pain i had to live thru trying to handle him.and im horribly addicted even though he is back and we're good and normal.
God........im so sorry." (taken from the secret blog)
I will always remember that Saturday, 2 weeks after our whirlwind friendship ended so abruptly. 2 weeks after I hung up. I stood there in God's arms and cried my whole broken heart out.
I did love him, so so much.
God........im so sorry." (taken from the secret blog)
I will always remember that Saturday, 2 weeks after our whirlwind friendship ended so abruptly. 2 weeks after I hung up. I stood there in God's arms and cried my whole broken heart out.
I did love him, so so much.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
estella where art thou
my fingers freeze and i don't know what to write.
don't know what i can write.
don't know what i can bring myself to write.
it's come to a point where i have to force back my honest emotions.because they will only destroy me once i let them out.without sounding wilful and stubborn,i shall ignore the stiff dull pain stirring inside me today and pretend no one ever said anything.pretend i don't miss you.pretend i didn't want to talk to you.pretend i'm just like anybody else.pretend you're dead to me.
but isn't that what life is all about these days? frantically steering our boats away from the shore towards the wide open sea,as we hold tightly to the rope connected to land,refusing to cast off,yet refusing to remain bound to where our hearts truly lie.
It always begins with us running away. Or maybe it always ends that way. But as what T.S. Eliot profoundly noted in The Four Quartets, what we call the beginning is often the end, and the end is where we should start from.
It is this very irony our worlds revolve around. How the end is too coincidentally the bringer of many things more. When what should have been the ending of a perfectly happy, or more realistically, tragic story, rarely fails to spark off yet another chain of beginnings. They say the end never comes.
So we run, but you probably want to know what we're running from. At times we convince ourselves we're simply trying to escape our dire situations. Nobody thinks much of this explanation, of course. People like us are envied, despised, looked down upon, dead frustrated over. Deemed immature. As though every moment of our sorry lives is spent trying to spread our wings and fly in desperation to leave the nest. But in all this turmoil, all this confusion, we assure you we have not even lifted off.
People our age are too prematurely stereotyped, carelessly forced into the perfect fit of what them older and wiser people think we should be. Our fears, our thoughts, our hearts, good as condemned men - the world's burden, joy, and future. Sometimes there are just too many things we want to be ourselves, too many things we are made out to be. It's enough to push a young mind over the brink, over and over again.
But all this is not what we're running from. In their bid to get us over and done with this reckless stage, the fathers and mothers, ours or not, altogether renounce their days of angst and choose to see us with hardened, old eyes. They have seen everything, they say, your problems were our problems. To them, we exaggerate the picture, we live in perpetual overreaction. Our age speaks our ignorance; it will all be okay.
Will it?
We thought they were right. We thought it would go away, leave us alone. This ravaging beast called Fate, snapping feverishly at our heels. It wouldn't stop at anything. Not even when we scream and beg it to stop, let us off because every ounce of our blood has drained and dried. This is what we're running from, friends - we're running from what is to come. We believed wrong. What they told us was wrong. And they themselves read our story and are suddenly reminded of our desperation. A feeling they once felt, now buried under Time and the grace of forgetting, discarded and annulled.
Don't you realize? Everyone around us were traitors after all. Deep down inside where the blood has ceased to flow, they knew. They knew everything. They pretended otherwise.
And did you see us? We were always there. All your life, lying in your memories, you and us, one and alike. Look at us, and see your weary self. We look at you, and in your pain-filled eyes we see the broken images, all bits and pieces torn and tattered. Traces of us.
This is the end we start from.
And you know, of course, that it has already begun.
Possibly one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever done.found this in a notebook,dated 2005.good emotional therapy,however.
gdnight.
don't know what i can write.
don't know what i can bring myself to write.
it's come to a point where i have to force back my honest emotions.because they will only destroy me once i let them out.without sounding wilful and stubborn,i shall ignore the stiff dull pain stirring inside me today and pretend no one ever said anything.pretend i don't miss you.pretend i didn't want to talk to you.pretend i'm just like anybody else.pretend you're dead to me.
but isn't that what life is all about these days? frantically steering our boats away from the shore towards the wide open sea,as we hold tightly to the rope connected to land,refusing to cast off,yet refusing to remain bound to where our hearts truly lie.
It always begins with us running away. Or maybe it always ends that way. But as what T.S. Eliot profoundly noted in The Four Quartets, what we call the beginning is often the end, and the end is where we should start from.
It is this very irony our worlds revolve around. How the end is too coincidentally the bringer of many things more. When what should have been the ending of a perfectly happy, or more realistically, tragic story, rarely fails to spark off yet another chain of beginnings. They say the end never comes.
So we run, but you probably want to know what we're running from. At times we convince ourselves we're simply trying to escape our dire situations. Nobody thinks much of this explanation, of course. People like us are envied, despised, looked down upon, dead frustrated over. Deemed immature. As though every moment of our sorry lives is spent trying to spread our wings and fly in desperation to leave the nest. But in all this turmoil, all this confusion, we assure you we have not even lifted off.
People our age are too prematurely stereotyped, carelessly forced into the perfect fit of what them older and wiser people think we should be. Our fears, our thoughts, our hearts, good as condemned men - the world's burden, joy, and future. Sometimes there are just too many things we want to be ourselves, too many things we are made out to be. It's enough to push a young mind over the brink, over and over again.
But all this is not what we're running from. In their bid to get us over and done with this reckless stage, the fathers and mothers, ours or not, altogether renounce their days of angst and choose to see us with hardened, old eyes. They have seen everything, they say, your problems were our problems. To them, we exaggerate the picture, we live in perpetual overreaction. Our age speaks our ignorance; it will all be okay.
Will it?
We thought they were right. We thought it would go away, leave us alone. This ravaging beast called Fate, snapping feverishly at our heels. It wouldn't stop at anything. Not even when we scream and beg it to stop, let us off because every ounce of our blood has drained and dried. This is what we're running from, friends - we're running from what is to come. We believed wrong. What they told us was wrong. And they themselves read our story and are suddenly reminded of our desperation. A feeling they once felt, now buried under Time and the grace of forgetting, discarded and annulled.
Don't you realize? Everyone around us were traitors after all. Deep down inside where the blood has ceased to flow, they knew. They knew everything. They pretended otherwise.
And did you see us? We were always there. All your life, lying in your memories, you and us, one and alike. Look at us, and see your weary self. We look at you, and in your pain-filled eyes we see the broken images, all bits and pieces torn and tattered. Traces of us.
This is the end we start from.
And you know, of course, that it has already begun.
Possibly one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever done.found this in a notebook,dated 2005.good emotional therapy,however.
gdnight.
Monday, September 24, 2007
memoirs
rach,remember this last year on my old blog?
final scene: rach stands beside the canal at the railings...looking forlorn and tired out..waiting for him (unknown suitor) when suddenly chia comes up from behind
rachel: chairman--- i mean, chia?
chia: hey...he (unknown) won't be coming anymore.
rachel: why?..
chia: he (unknown) knew abt the incident at the teahouse.he is a man of principles.he is not one to forgive.
rachel:...im sorry..
chia: i should be the one who needs to be forgiven..not you
rachel: what do u mean?..
chia:..iv let you down..
rachel: but you're with sonia (now it's SJ)..what could you have done to let me down?
chia:...if only i had told you the truth earlier
rachel:..i do not understand..what truth?
chia:...remember how i used to sit in front of you in p6?
rachel:...i never will forget it.
chia:....did you ever wonder why i chose to sit in front of you?..
rachel:...you mean you......then why not next to me?
rachel:...you mean you......then why not next to me?
chia:...so that i could be certain that all the time...you would be looking at me.(HAHAHHAA personally find this part very funny)
rachel:...why din u tell me earlier?!
chia:...that's why im sorry...(rachel starts crying and chia caresses her face before holding her close)
chia:...that's why im sorry...(rachel starts crying and chia caresses her face before holding her close)
*passionate kiss*
this is the end of Memoirs of a Gei-chia.final scene only (:
it's dangerous to even re-blog this,since i'm in VJ now and God knows how many VJ ppl ever read my blog.hopefully not too many.anyway don't know what more i want to blog about how i just rewatched geisha.i love it.i love the way everyth was pieced together.but i still think the story falls short because the chairman WAS MARRIED AND HAD KIDS AND WAS 30 YEARS OLDER THAN HER.it's impossible to think how much of a love story that can be.i also think iv blogged abt geisha 3-4 times already.it never fails to just mesmerize me,enchant me.
i have a lot to say.but not on this blog.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
this could break my heart or save me
joanneee/the truth is in here says:
i think im destined to remain single
i hold my own too strongly.
i have - amazing magical powers; and am peculiar in the head. says:
nooooooooooooooo
im sure there're guys out there who admire pple like u
really
why does this topic keep coming back to haunt me? last night slept at 4 talking to rachel about it.talked to kahleng for the first time in AGES just now and it's what came up.talked to esmond and i don't even know how it digressed into that from how i had just watched 'i not stupid' initially.i don't know.very unemotional tonight.so i have not much thoughts.not tired either.just void of all emotional vomit.
es,whatever you gave me tonight beat natural confectionary hands down.thank you.
i think im destined to remain single
i hold my own too strongly.
i have - amazing magical powers; and am peculiar in the head. says:
nooooooooooooooo
im sure there're guys out there who admire pple like u
really
why does this topic keep coming back to haunt me? last night slept at 4 talking to rachel about it.talked to kahleng for the first time in AGES just now and it's what came up.talked to esmond and i don't even know how it digressed into that from how i had just watched 'i not stupid' initially.i don't know.very unemotional tonight.so i have not much thoughts.not tired either.just void of all emotional vomit.
I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
3 months, and I'm still breathing.
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know,
it's never really over, no
3 months, and I'm still standing here
3 months, and I'm still remembering
3 months, and I'm still sober.
es,whatever you gave me tonight beat natural confectionary hands down.thank you.
Friday, September 21, 2007
love,hope and redemption
"Love is a self-inflicted pain.
But in pain, we find redemption. Only in redemption, do we understand
love."
3 things i did with my life today.
watched the shawshank redemption,the show my father has harped about for years.my turn to harp about it for years now.it blew me away for 3 hours.what can i say?it was astoundingly powerful.pure pleasure for the imagination.watch it.
after hanging around for a while,talking to rachel (finally) and going for the after-dinner walk,i waited for the classic and il mare to load.filled up my scholarship form because my mum kept reminding me to,then watched the classic first.the classic was really sad but it ended badly.too cliche.the mother's story itself was very oh-my-gosh-no!!!!!! i liked that story.however it didn't help that one of the guys looked like keith wong.not too bad la.but i wasn't moved that much.
after deliberating whether i should give up and sleep i didn't because it was only 12.so i watched il mare for the next 2 hours.the original lakehouse.very good.very cleanly romantic.because both characters never actually met and talked till the last 1 minute of the show.i liked it though,despite the fantasy plot (yet again).so much better than lakehouse.the subtlety of koreans does work wonders when it's korean.not when it's translated into sth so showy and kissy,like lakehouse became.keanu reeve's wooden portrayal falls way short of the korean guy's performance.i actually liked him (korean guy).but then again i felt that the characters were a little too one-dimensional.
a good story needs you to be able to remember the names of the characters,for one thing.i've clean forgotten all of them.accept the shawshank one.andy and red.ahhh.something people subconsciously bother committing to memory during the show.maybe i was chatting too much with rachel whilst watching.hmm.
i don't know.these days love stories just don't get to me the way they used to.probably because i gave up on every last one of him.
there they go.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
wonderful tonight
yes esmond the song on youtube is very nice.sorry but i have no idea how to find THAT version for you.sing yourself la.
anyway SECRET was what i wld deem,nice in the last 5 minutes.before that it was like wth is going on,this is laggy,this is wasting my sleep time (it's 2 now!) and worst of all the script was like NOT ACCEPTABLE.i would have rejected it.but i did come close to crying.in the last 5 minutes when he found her again after playing that song.i hate UNREALISTIC STORY LINES.this one was WAY OFF REALISTIC.i don't like incorporating fantasy into stories that could make so much more impact being honest and realistic.i think a good story is sth that people can see themselves living,and question their takes on love in their own lives.having an enchanted piano book (oops,spoiler) does not make that cut.for one,i can't even play the piano that well.but of course,i LOVED the piano parts.hated the flirting parts (99% of the dialogue throughout the movie which showed mostly jay chou n The Girl).but being a sucker for guys who play piano (shut up esmond),yes,jay chou forever.
nothing beats poetry of course.which reminds me how i haven't written anything poetic/prose in AGES since mugging for prelims (i realized i mugged for close to 2 months and went on a sabbatical from all things fun).just don't feel that inspired when your brains taken up with chugging information.which i have temporarily QUIT now.totally chugging MOVIES instead.tv.computer.doing nothing.life should always be this way.but going back to the point on writing.i realize that when i'm in the zone/mood i can really write.like,stuff i can't imagine myself writing now,cos my brain has been destroyed by a story like secret and movies like she's the man.but when i get all emo and on the brink of breakdown i compose like the best pieces of prose/poetry ever.i like what i re-read.im proud of what i re-read.zwing says what i write doesn't seem to fully encapsulate the intensity of emotion i go through in real life (as she's gone through with me,many times) but i think she also said sth like i still put it very aptly into words in a manner hard to replicate.i WISH i was a professional.been wishing that since i was 4 years old.it was the first thing i said i wanted to be when my mum asked me.a writer.and i really wrote poems and stories down on paper,it was actually my hobby as a KID.i look back and realize how much nonsense iv been penning down over the years.just that i grew busier and busier and the length of story i could pull off grew shorter and shorter.into just a paragraph of prose.okay this is the worst example of my writing hahaha i'm rambling.
tomorrow/today i'm going to watch shawshank redemption (maybe,if i'm not too scared) in the afternoon and geisha with zwing at night.hooray.maybe i'll be inspired to write.hope i can sleep in and beat that stupid body clock of mine.
okay time to enjoy my sleep now.lots of time for that. ((((: SMILE SMILE SMILE!!!!!
anyway SECRET was what i wld deem,nice in the last 5 minutes.before that it was like wth is going on,this is laggy,this is wasting my sleep time (it's 2 now!) and worst of all the script was like NOT ACCEPTABLE.i would have rejected it.but i did come close to crying.in the last 5 minutes when he found her again after playing that song.i hate UNREALISTIC STORY LINES.this one was WAY OFF REALISTIC.i don't like incorporating fantasy into stories that could make so much more impact being honest and realistic.i think a good story is sth that people can see themselves living,and question their takes on love in their own lives.having an enchanted piano book (oops,spoiler) does not make that cut.for one,i can't even play the piano that well.but of course,i LOVED the piano parts.hated the flirting parts (99% of the dialogue throughout the movie which showed mostly jay chou n The Girl).but being a sucker for guys who play piano (shut up esmond),yes,jay chou forever.
nothing beats poetry of course.which reminds me how i haven't written anything poetic/prose in AGES since mugging for prelims (i realized i mugged for close to 2 months and went on a sabbatical from all things fun).just don't feel that inspired when your brains taken up with chugging information.which i have temporarily QUIT now.totally chugging MOVIES instead.tv.computer.doing nothing.life should always be this way.but going back to the point on writing.i realize that when i'm in the zone/mood i can really write.like,stuff i can't imagine myself writing now,cos my brain has been destroyed by a story like secret and movies like she's the man.but when i get all emo and on the brink of breakdown i compose like the best pieces of prose/poetry ever.i like what i re-read.im proud of what i re-read.zwing says what i write doesn't seem to fully encapsulate the intensity of emotion i go through in real life (as she's gone through with me,many times) but i think she also said sth like i still put it very aptly into words in a manner hard to replicate.i WISH i was a professional.been wishing that since i was 4 years old.it was the first thing i said i wanted to be when my mum asked me.a writer.and i really wrote poems and stories down on paper,it was actually my hobby as a KID.i look back and realize how much nonsense iv been penning down over the years.just that i grew busier and busier and the length of story i could pull off grew shorter and shorter.into just a paragraph of prose.okay this is the worst example of my writing hahaha i'm rambling.
tomorrow/today i'm going to watch shawshank redemption (maybe,if i'm not too scared) in the afternoon and geisha with zwing at night.hooray.maybe i'll be inspired to write.hope i can sleep in and beat that stupid body clock of mine.
okay time to enjoy my sleep now.lots of time for that. ((((: SMILE SMILE SMILE!!!!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
nth gets me in the good old heart like you do(:
i am thoroughly annoyed by my computer.and thoroughly happy my brother's apple exists.very tired now.all i can say is.omg i love a14.i loved today.i loved hairspray.i loved cartel moments number don't know WHAT.
i love whatever my life is now,only 1 letter and 2 numbers.
to huishuang: omg i can count too!(:
did i mention that prelims are over?
to esmond: it's GOOD that they're over,at least(:
i can't stop smiling my silly little smile,the one that you all know so well.it's the smile of my own little victory.
to God: omG,thank you^1000000000000000000.
i love whatever my life is now,only 1 letter and 2 numbers.
to huishuang: omg i can count too!(:
did i mention that prelims are over?
to esmond: it's GOOD that they're over,at least(:
i can't stop smiling my silly little smile,the one that you all know so well.it's the smile of my own little victory.
to God: omG,thank you^1000000000000000000.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
reality check with jonk.
pablo neruda,my absolute favourite romantic poet.
sorry for NOT blogging at all during my major prelim week.actually,duno why im even saying sorry.but sorry i guess,to all my fans out there,like those sweet people on my tagboard.SWEET people on my tagboard,i repeat.one sweet sweet man.
can you believe today i didn't go to church because i got stressed out by my mum over what to wear so i conveniently used it as an excuse to throw a tantrum and not go? how stupid is that.don't know what wilfred owen's been doing to me.i've become temperamental and borderline insane.oh joy,i should just check into craiglockhart hospital too!
the best part is,my mum wasn't even affected by my upsetness.she found it funny.and so all i had to worry about was getting God to understand that this had NOTHING to do with Him at all.i felt so guilty steph had to call me to convince me i wasn't the biggest criminal on earth and God wld be okay with it,this once.i'm sorry God):
i also felt a bit scared someone would turn up with my much awaited natural confectionary fat-free fruit salad gummies and i wouldn't be there to be the proud receipient! i'm surviving on kitkats from dubai now.omg.steph,start screaming at me.
oh well as the exams draw to a close the freak out madness has been dissipating,fluctuating just before the paper and then dying down as we go into a oh-whatever mode.steph and i even debated about how hot dead poets were yesterday! she's going to say i started it but hey,she continued it.but to simply put it,dead poets from the early 1900s were like hot.like really! i think lord byron belonged to the 1800s,but his name alone makes him sound hot.like how hot is a guy who writes "she walks in beauty like the night"? very.
so there's brooke,owen and sassoon.brooke's slightly older I THINK but hey,he was the most handsome out of the 4 heavenly kings of hot poet literature.okay i found a picture of byron and he's only good looking from afar.he looks abit crappy up close.but manly,i guess.HAHA omg.
rupert brooke.gorgeous,smart,and dead.
lord byron.manly,romantic,and dead.
siegfried sassoon.suave,intelligent,and dead.
and the man h2 students love and hate.
wilfred owen,greatest war poet of the WWI.
sensitive,emotional,
and dead.
Sonnet XVII
I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.Pablo Neruda.
give it up for the guy man.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
"Can't bring back the past? Why of course you can!" -Gatsby
Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets,
and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start
I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.
I guess I'm just sorry.Gatsby and Daisy would have neverprelims start tomorrow.
worked out anyway.And you were my Daisy.of ineffable magnitude,grotesquely painted on,imagined,perceived,given too much perfection to ever bring to life.of a
dream you can only fall short of.I die to the dream today.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
colorgenics does it again
Your mind is never at rest.You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard. Take it easy - remember, 'Everything comes to those who wait'.
You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.
You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.
It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.
You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!
i love colorgenics hahaha.the link is somewhere in my first few entries. [steph,say OMG to this post.]
You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.
You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.
It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.
You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!
i love colorgenics hahaha.the link is somewhere in my first few entries. [steph,say OMG to this post.]
love carried the cross meant for me
suddenly,things are looking up.because somebody prayed.
thank you.you know who you are.
When all you've got is a seed, plant a tree. God makes it grow.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Then pray for God to add the sugar.
thank you.you know who you are.
When all you've got is a seed, plant a tree. God makes it grow.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Then pray for God to add the sugar.
Monday, September 3, 2007
when life gives you a lemon seed
i'm suffering from something known as conflicting emotions syndrome.as i have been,for the past 2 days.but today i feel it.it's a strange calm,like at a front (cold front,warm front..geog stuff.).a front where i am facing my future and my distant future.i somehow am contending with both aceing my A levels,and getting married.or not,which is more exact.
i can't help it,i mean ask steph.the question of the future does not just include the A levels.the realization of how adult i have to be by the end of it all,as well as how single,is impossible to ignore at this stage.today i got up and thought about it.i went to sleep last night thinking about it.i worked on 2 econs essay plans today (that's about it) and strategized my week,yet again.but after i finished it,i'm still experiencing a strange peace.a lack of emotion.i'm not freaking out you know.i'm just doing what i can,seriously.i don't know how much effect likuang and eugene's words of wisdom on how to contend with exams (for guys) have hit home.i am NOT panicking like i did 4 weeks ago.but neither am i READY for my prelims.should i be feeling scared? last night was radical..but i admit i was just neutral through it.like i couldn't make connection.this morning i was wondering if i was just jaded,but i'm not upset.i'm not worrying.in fact,i gave up on those things quite some time ago.
is this complacency? defeat? surrender?
alot of things are running through my mind now.something to do with having no capacity to love,no feeling left in my cold heart,a world-weariness that comes with repeated reading of notes,endless To-Do's.i don't have an adrenaline rush as i study,i don't feel like i'm doing battle here.i now function with little sleep,but i barely feel the strain.i live with minimal human contact,but i only know i am lonely,but i don't sense the suffering of solitude.i realize that i am someone with so many issues that prevent me from truly enjoying my relationships,because i am so insecure,so easily shaken by rejection,so unsure of another's love for me.i don't believe in love,but to be exact i don't believe anyone can love me.i want to,but inside i know it is impossible because no one can handle me.i don't want to make anyone else hurt for me,bear the pain of myself with me.i don't need a boy to sacrifice his sleep for me when i despair at night.i found solace in that,yes,but my neverending thirst for perfection and my wish to possess it will never be satisfied.i dream of perfection,because i am so harshly conscious of my imperfection.the sorrow that runs so deeply in my heart,cultivated over so many sad years,will never run dry.i put my hope in people i see as perfect,yet i am forced to face up to their flaws.i tell Jesus i love Him and i know with all my heart that He loves me too,but there is a sort of flipside to it all,because i know no one else on earth does as purely as Him.no one else can.not without judgement,not without bias against my stark imperfection.and it leaves me questioning every day,if i even love myself.
i say all this without a tear.
i can't help it,i mean ask steph.the question of the future does not just include the A levels.the realization of how adult i have to be by the end of it all,as well as how single,is impossible to ignore at this stage.today i got up and thought about it.i went to sleep last night thinking about it.i worked on 2 econs essay plans today (that's about it) and strategized my week,yet again.but after i finished it,i'm still experiencing a strange peace.a lack of emotion.i'm not freaking out you know.i'm just doing what i can,seriously.i don't know how much effect likuang and eugene's words of wisdom on how to contend with exams (for guys) have hit home.i am NOT panicking like i did 4 weeks ago.but neither am i READY for my prelims.should i be feeling scared? last night was radical..but i admit i was just neutral through it.like i couldn't make connection.this morning i was wondering if i was just jaded,but i'm not upset.i'm not worrying.in fact,i gave up on those things quite some time ago.
is this complacency? defeat? surrender?
alot of things are running through my mind now.something to do with having no capacity to love,no feeling left in my cold heart,a world-weariness that comes with repeated reading of notes,endless To-Do's.i don't have an adrenaline rush as i study,i don't feel like i'm doing battle here.i now function with little sleep,but i barely feel the strain.i live with minimal human contact,but i only know i am lonely,but i don't sense the suffering of solitude.i realize that i am someone with so many issues that prevent me from truly enjoying my relationships,because i am so insecure,so easily shaken by rejection,so unsure of another's love for me.i don't believe in love,but to be exact i don't believe anyone can love me.i want to,but inside i know it is impossible because no one can handle me.i don't want to make anyone else hurt for me,bear the pain of myself with me.i don't need a boy to sacrifice his sleep for me when i despair at night.i found solace in that,yes,but my neverending thirst for perfection and my wish to possess it will never be satisfied.i dream of perfection,because i am so harshly conscious of my imperfection.the sorrow that runs so deeply in my heart,cultivated over so many sad years,will never run dry.i put my hope in people i see as perfect,yet i am forced to face up to their flaws.i tell Jesus i love Him and i know with all my heart that He loves me too,but there is a sort of flipside to it all,because i know no one else on earth does as purely as Him.no one else can.not without judgement,not without bias against my stark imperfection.and it leaves me questioning every day,if i even love myself.
i say all this without a tear.
SWP*
studying together is the shit too,but in a good way.
MATHS,GC,Just for US,pink pencil and me.
US.funny how it says 'RABBLE' (rebel) in the background.
sheer determination and perserverance.with alot of prayer that God will help me get the right answer somehow.but i realize that even if i used wrong methods and stuff and made careless mistakes in the process,i uncannily revised things (that weren't even necessary or relevant to the question if i hadn't made previous careless mistakes in my working) that i never could understand.and ended up learning more stuff through the stupid mistakes that veered me off-course.i honestly think God had something to do with it.
i have a lot more to go.i realized the key word for today is 'alot'.yes.that is state of my mugging.alot left to go.not alot done.hahaha.and iv been very incoherent online these past few nights thanks to being glued to the phone answering and asking math questions with my dear class mates,namely swan,aaron,steph and tonight it was mercy dearest.i almost ended up typing stuff about calculus into the conversation boxes i was handling.MC was asking who on earth chats about math.
i said,desperation changes people.
1 week left.
*solved with perserverance. (definition:written next to questions i thought i cld never solve,but did because i bothered thinking.also used to create a false but comforting sense that i am somewhat of a genius)
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