Sunday, November 30, 2008

i dare you to move like today never happened.


Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself

Where you gonna go

Where you gonna go

Salvation is here

i am mad.

i'm so incredibly proud of my latest secret blog post that i just have to beautify this blog with a bit of whatever can be shown.going to have an early night otherwise(: church tomorrow!

enjoy.

"This represented...a seismic shift once again in the way he viewed her. It was time for her to go. And, more importantly, it was time for him to stop loving her. He just wished someone could show him how."

i should be sleeping soon if i want to get sufficient rest for tonight.borrowed 8 books from the library to keep me happy and reading for the next 3 weeks or so till christmas.falling sick for sure,throat feels odd,like a wind is passing through,bringing something like a cold along with it.very soon.just hope it isn't serious.but i had to miss tonight's lowest key event.the one i had been looking forward to.there goes yet another chance to pull an all-nighter with my friends.but i'm not young anymore i guess,no more testing my limits.no more supply of peers to hang out with through the night,to talk deep to.

whatever it is,i am growing old.today in the library i felt awkward heading straight for the adult section,since i never used to do so.adult fiction never interested me too much.teenage fiction was safe,cutesy,simple.but when i tried going upstairs to look for a 'young adult' book,i realized that looking for a truly mature yet unexplicit book was going to be a massive task.it's either this or that.i couldn't take stories about 13-16 years olds anymore..but at the same time i still hate stories about married/divorced people (with kids).i really hate stories about grownups with their own families.there should be a corner for people like me,no longer juvenile,but not ready to face the realities of being an adult.i'm 19.i'm at the crossroads of my life.i need stuff to make me think and agree with,yet stuff that challenges my thinking just enough,not blows my mind.

i just told rachel.now i have to read stories about people who are unmarried,without kids,and are lonely.just like me really.perfect.

last night i was so preoccupied chatting that everything profound in my silly little mind more or less diffused into nothingness,or went to hide cleverly in the least bothered corners of my brain...

how do i cure this loneliness? i know it is there no matter how busy i am.no matter how cynical i am...i know i am lonely.but the world's cure to loneliness just doesn't appeal to me.get attached.be emotionally dependent...this can't be all there is to it,can it.

...i don't want anything more from them.i don't want the cure of relationship.i appear to want to live like this forever,problem and solution parallel,never meeting.i am lonely,but i don't want the cure.

why?

...love is wretched thing.not meant for complicated,dramatic,fragile people like me.with me love is intense,frustrating,challenging,insane...exhausting.my love seems to erode the human soul,tear down even the strongest man,render even the wisest tongue silent.i am a force of nature.like the wind,ever-changing,sometimes still and non-existent,at other times raging like an uncontrollable tempest.i hurt people in the process of trying to be with them.

perhaps i am meant to be alone.

goodnight,my darlings.

Friday, November 28, 2008

a case of heroes.

going to sleep already,but cannot wait to watch episode 10 of the embarrassing WHY WHY LOVE tomorrow.what can i say,it's really cute and romantic!!exactly what i'm a sucker for.

slack is the new black.i seem to be very good at doing nothing at all.also hanging out with sam tmr,probably at siglap since he lives there,and i may want to eat the yongtaufoo again :P actually wanted to have lunch with ben,but both my brothers seem to be incredibly good at not being at home.besides that,i'm also too lazy to get out of the house otherwise.

i'm kinda incoherent now because my brain's gone stupid from all the WHY WHY LOVE nonsense,but i was really sad just now when the internet died.i don't know if i was being all dramatic again,thus i did try to control it and not like tell a million people about my supposed misery..but it did make me think and feel of a lot of things.supper with MJ last night reminded me that we have a head to think and a heart to feel,so we shouldn't keep trying to do neither in fear of being hurt or getting complicated.i'm a thinker,a feeler,an expresser.sometimes i guess being so intense does hurt the people around me.because whilst i'm good at flying into a dramatic whirlwind and quickly returning to normal,my family and friends can't take so many shocks and don't recover quite so quickly from my instability.i'm a hazard,really.

i can't and shouldn't complain about not having a hero to willingly come and listen to whatever i decide should burden my heart,but at the same time i'm not sure if such a person even exists besides God.my true hero who always saves the day.today when i was sad i thought about why i didn't have a hero,and felt very lonely,yet it wasn't so much a question of lament as it was a self-reflective thing.i don't actually want anyone to bother about me and my crap,i don't want to hurt any more people with my tempestuous behavior.i change my mind fast about relationships,i make harsh decisions about them,i have some really whacked out concepts about how to deal with them..MJ does marvel at the amount of philosophy i churn out about friendship.sigh.i need to feel in control when it comes to such unpredictable things.i don't like the feeling of being tossed to and fro wherever the tide may turn.i'm a fighter.

fighter.thinker.feeler.

it's best not to come too close.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

things to think about.

1. christmas presents
2. december schedule
3. parties to hold
4. goals for next year
5. clearing away term 1 stuff
6. doing hair
7. christmas clothes
8. rain & rach
9. all the love and pain in the world
10. you

Sunday, November 23, 2008

don't know why i do.


can't you tell that I'm terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied
by you?

Saturday, November 22, 2008

anyway,

i am going to sleep as soon as i finish blogging.today was friday,my little nyonya drama has not started,and therefore my expectations of having at least one thing to look forward to were crushed at precisely 9 pm and my week has been nothing but a mindless cycle of reading tons of biz law material,trying not to get distracted,memorizing a million facts about remedies and vitiating factors and the ever annoying torts,fighting to concentrate and not sleep (which was rather futile at first),hating twc,forcing myself to stop msn-ing/facebooking/msg-ing instead of reading the criminally boring twc notes (which was rather futile throughout),planning my study schedule and surprisingly keeping quite on track..in conclusion,the week was half holiday,half concentration camp.i do hope it's meant to be that way,or i'm kinda screwed for my exams,which start on monday (dread dread dread) and end of wednesday 11 am (i insist on being so precise, since it's such a lovely occurence for it to end BEFORE THE AFTERNOON).ohhhmygosh.and my little nyonya show starts on tuesday!which is gossip girl day!JOY!

okay actually i wanted to blog about the people who are my legacy since i was talking to steph about it today but i'm in no disposition currently to sound affectionate and convicted about my wonderful friends because i'm falling asleep.i will make a list,however,so that i can talk about them next time.

1. rachel
2. david
3. steph
4. trinette olive low

conditional acceptance,for some reason,

4. swan
5. hot sam
6. zwing
7. chook
8. robyn

on waiting list,

8. bimbo tan hs

there's actually alot more that i can think of now but where's the exclusivity in that ;)

email.


There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about God. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the mum, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, 'Does anyone know who this is?' In response the little girl said, 'I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died.'

I don't know whether the story's true or not, but it sure is touching. And I totally believe in Jesus.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

to our many years of love,baby


















i know you love cheesy.that's why you are my reason.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

a masked affair.



masquerade
paper faces on parade

Tuesday, November 18, 2008


And I'm
Screaming into the dark
Searching for an answer
Where do I go from here
And I'm standing still
But I can't catch my breath

Or running fast as I can
But going nowhere
Where do I go from here

-marie digby-

Sunday, November 16, 2008

soirée*(:


TBL's annual Christmas party is coming, and a lot of you are invited.

*soirée |swa-reh| an evening party or gathering, typically in a private house, for conversation or music.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

the tort of nothing makes me something.


today was quite a successful day of biz law mugging.i am going round in circles with torts,remedies,damages,vitiating factors in my desperation to learn all the new stuff.i also think i have forgotten all the pre-midterms stuff.have 7 days to somehow wing it by monday's exam.cannot wait to be done with that.and twc of course,which is a whole lot more boring but not as stressful.not that biz law itself is not kinda sian.

okay my brain is done with words like ab initio/restitutio in integrum/non est factum/ex parte/prima facie ect cetera ect cetera.i cannot bring myself to read my misrepresentation or torts notes.

i should go to sleep or something.

domokunnnn!(:

Saturday, November 8, 2008

who you are to me

i know i haven't been talking to you very much,or reading your letters.i go about my day thinking about alot of things,but i don't really think about you.i know i haven't been meeting up with you or our friends too often,and in fact i dread it quite a bit because you always arrange meetings so early in the morning when i want to just sleep in.we've had such a history together,sometimes i take you for granted knowing you'll always be there for me.all i have to do is call and ask.you'll do anything for me.i know i'm such a bad friend to you.talking to everyone else,assuming you know everything.assuming whatever i have to say is not of any importance to you.i neglect you,put you aside,let you do your own thing whilst i do mine.i message you once or twice a day,telling you i still love you,still need you.yet i never call to talk properly,never set aside time to prove that you mean anything to me.although you do.you are in the deepest corners of my mind,because no matter how busy i am,no matter how far i fall apart from you,what you did for me will never cease to be of such great magnitude.i'm not a fantastic friend i know.i ought to live eternally indebted to you.but i don't act as though i am alive only because of you.you are the sun that shines upon me,the rain that cools my day,the unfailing friend who waits for me day and night.your love is beautiful,unconditional and amazing.you never give up on me,and even though i treat you like you're dispensable you still answer my calls when i'm desperate or miserable.you embrace me for who i am in everlasting love even if all i deserve is a slap across my face for my insolence and disrespect for you.the others will tell you not to take me back for all that i have done that speaks contempt of you,but you silence them,reaching out a hand to me and asking me to come.to put all my hurts and wrongs down and find forgiveness,to leave the life i regret behind and just come back home to you.in you i will find my rest,my peace,and all the love that i have been looking for.then everything i've been questioning will make sense.everything i've wanted to know,you will tell me,and i will finally listen and hear your still small voice.

Friday, November 7, 2008

don't speak.

am utterly exhausted.no more ltb journal! just have to finish the CSP portfolio thing tomorrow,edit acad writing essay,and i'm FREE to mug!

was also getting a bit miffed talking about certain things with TC.the same feelings of indignation and anger at predestination welling up inside.i don't think i trust God very much these days.i'm evidently not showing any trust,for starters.i can't find that peace in me to say,i trust God knows what i desire.or at least i can't say it without suspecting he may have some sort of funny plan that makes me change my mind about certain things and end up accepting stuff i really do not desire.which sounds stupid and completely ungodly.but i can't help but think that he's capable of it.it's just scary to think about the possibilities.this is all TC's fault.which boils down to it being my fault.

argh.life is so full of shit! i'm like both happy and upset all at the same time.over different issues.ugh.stupid!stupid stupid stupid!!!

i am so full of shit too.hrrmpph.

i'm suddenly confused over what i want from life.besides to not remain as the pathetic loser i am now.

you really ought to hear about what my REAL life is all about.when i remove all the glamour from daily rantings,i'm a fool.a fool with some very idiotic acquaintances and circumstances.

i roll my eyes at everything lame.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

no thanks.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

who we are.

some of us are young and learning.loving.hoping.dealing with.being sad.feeling things you've never felt about someone.some of us are just living for that moment,to just catch a glimpse of that one person in that one place.to muster up the courage to walk over and say hello,i could love you one day.some of us are hiding our emotions,refusing to give them the time of day,dismissing that emptiness as completely lame and unimportant.when deep inside you know who you're missing.some of us are haunted by the past and just want to move on,want to make a clean break.but meet people who remind us of those we are hoping to forget,and are scared to make the mistakes we made again.some of us are relearning love,laughing and leaning,tilting,falling.staring into each other's gaze and on one side, at least, there's dying inhibitions.some of us are growing closer,finding unexpected friendship,realizing that the other isn't so bad.some of us are delusional,silly,fools in waiting,not knowing that the time has passed and will never return.some of us realize it,some of us don't.some of us are discovering other worlds,venturing,daring and moving in circles we never thought we'd see ourselves in.some of us have lost ourselves in the wild crowd,in the midst of liquor and music.some of us have forgotten God,or at least haven't bothered keeping in touch as much as before.some of us feel bad,some of us don't.some of us are so caught up with our own lives,meeting the demands of others,filling our time with mindless activities.it's a mess and it's complicated.we want out but the exits are missing.either we have no life,or this is life.some of us are tired and moody,avoiding the questions on where we have been,leaving who we once were behind,unanswered for.suddenly i am horribly afraid of who we have become.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

www.handwritingwizard.com

Joanne is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Joanne will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Joanne an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Joanne is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Joanne is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Joanne doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Joanne will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Joanne's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Joanne slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Joanne can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Joanne is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Joanne basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Joanne is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.