i am mad.

i'm so incredibly proud of my latest secret blog post that i just have to beautify this blog with a bit of whatever can be shown.going to have an early night otherwise(: church tomorrow!

enjoy.

"This represented...a seismic shift once again in the way he viewed her. It was time for her to go. And, more importantly, it was time for him to stop loving her. He just wished someone could show him how."

i should be sleeping soon if i want to get sufficient rest for tonight.borrowed 8 books from the library to keep me happy and reading for the next 3 weeks or so till christmas.falling sick for sure,throat feels odd,like a wind is passing through,bringing something like a cold along with it.very soon.just hope it isn't serious.but i had to miss tonight's lowest key event.the one i had been looking forward to.there goes yet another chance to pull an all-nighter with my friends.but i'm not young anymore i guess,no more testing my limits.no more supply of peers to hang out with through the night,to talk deep to.

whatever it is,i am growing old.today in the library i felt awkward heading straight for the adult section,since i never used to do so.adult fiction never interested me too much.teenage fiction was safe,cutesy,simple.but when i tried going upstairs to look for a 'young adult' book,i realized that looking for a truly mature yet unexplicit book was going to be a massive task.it's either this or that.i couldn't take stories about 13-16 years olds anymore..but at the same time i still hate stories about married/divorced people (with kids).i really hate stories about grownups with their own families.there should be a corner for people like me,no longer juvenile,but not ready to face the realities of being an adult.i'm 19.i'm at the crossroads of my life.i need stuff to make me think and agree with,yet stuff that challenges my thinking just enough,not blows my mind.

i just told rachel.now i have to read stories about people who are unmarried,without kids,and are lonely.just like me really.perfect.

last night i was so preoccupied chatting that everything profound in my silly little mind more or less diffused into nothingness,or went to hide cleverly in the least bothered corners of my brain...

how do i cure this loneliness? i know it is there no matter how busy i am.no matter how cynical i am...i know i am lonely.but the world's cure to loneliness just doesn't appeal to me.get attached.be emotionally dependent...this can't be all there is to it,can it.

...i don't want anything more from them.i don't want the cure of relationship.i appear to want to live like this forever,problem and solution parallel,never meeting.i am lonely,but i don't want the cure.

why?

...love is wretched thing.not meant for complicated,dramatic,fragile people like me.with me love is intense,frustrating,challenging,insane...exhausting.my love seems to erode the human soul,tear down even the strongest man,render even the wisest tongue silent.i am a force of nature.like the wind,ever-changing,sometimes still and non-existent,at other times raging like an uncontrollable tempest.i hurt people in the process of trying to be with them.

perhaps i am meant to be alone.

goodnight,my darlings.