from grieving to grooving

i think i've forgotten how to blog.because i sure don't feel like it now.

sometimes you take a while to understand why sad things happen.but as we discussed in cell today,it is the reaction to your circumstance that determines whether you truly are finding joy in your trial.do you curse God and die? or do you know deep down inside you that everyth's going to be just fine,because God only gives what is good.you may weep...grieve...but there will come a time when things fall into place as God promised all along,and life is great because life hurt first.

but i do want to see some good results.i hope God knows.i mean of course He does.but,yeah.good enough to get me somewhere satisfactory.

sigh.

life can't be just like that

life is cruelly ironic.in order to have something,you have to give up something else.in order to have one day,you give up many more.a week in exchange for 3 years.this was one tough week.more than i ever bargained for.a sheer overdose of Duane.and it was surreal,really,just sitting there marveling at myself and how far i've come.what i have gone through just to get here.tears,fatigue,perseverance,complaining,determination,prayer,power,love.

i don't know why i didn't even feel sad at all when D said he was leaving.up till today,i still was in a state of okay,so what.like i just felt it wldn make a difference whether he stayed or left.but as the days wore on and the video started coming tgt reality just starts sinking in and the handsome face i had been staring at nonchalantly for the past hours began to stir memory and meaning once again in me.all that stuff i chucked away and cleanly forgot about in some rebellious attempt to stop being stupid and delusioned fell right out of the cupboard onto my feet,figuratively speaking.

actually it was seeing D again tonight and saying goodbye formally.thinking about it the good old D i hadn't talked to in ages simply resurfaced and suddenly i knew that guy again.i knew him,i know him.i know finally,then,now,that this is the guy i am saying goodbye to.i have to say goodbye once again to.

maybe i'm not so relieved and ecstatic that the party week is over after all.

i fell sick,i got so many pimples,i was so tired out everyday,i lugged my laptop equipment from kembangan to serangoon by foot and by bus,i endured emotional torment and struggle,i used up so much heart and soul to give my very best,i risked our slowly mending friendship,i allowed myself to plunge back into dangerous waters.

but it was all worth it.the sacrifice for you always made sense in the deepest closets of my soul, Duane Ho J.H.

you have a great trip.

emo songs rewind,

you got it.vday is dday!

long awaited photos!

you're going going gone

your eyes are full
full of the future of us
the air changes as you look across
at me in that wondering way
it is as if
I knew you before I spoke
do our hearts know something we don't?
conspiring,converging
without giving us any say
you sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows as I wait
you could be the thief
I give the key to
you're ruining me
with secrets and gestures and looks
with sonnets from secondhand books
playing the chords in me
nobody knew how to play
you sing me to sleep
talk down my walls
look through my windows as I wait
you could be the thief
I give the key to
it fits in your hand like the water in rain
it unlocks our two different selves
and shows we are the same
rather than wait
till I put me out for the taking
you're breaking
you're breaking
you're breaking into my heart

and I'm letting you.

- brooke fraser,one of the singers in hillsong united

a few thoughts in my head now, think i should be going to sleep soon..or i wouldn't be able to wake up again for church tomorrow.kevin's playing so i guess i should make the extra effort to have a good attitude and go support him.which reminds me also that i met kahleng today and she agreed to go to church in 2 weeks time with me! speaking of which i forgot to reply her msg.darn.

another strange thing i realized this week the day of the switchfoot concert (was it 31st?) was that the chorus of 'gone' by switchfoot are the words of my secret blog's blogskin.how WEIRD! like,i think i got the whole stanza from one of steph's old blog posts and thought it was a nice poem written by her.until i heard the song for the first time.wow,i have a history with this song.

david also said something to me before he went offline just now and it was one of those strike you in the face things.am i that fickle.i'm such an idiot if what he said about me is true.i possibly might just have the most confused heart in the world.and a very pertinent observation from this would be if i ever fall in love with dave himself he'll never believe me.i don't know yet if that's going to be a good thing.hmm.but that is something worth asking him abt soon.like monday,when he drives me home.

today will soon be gone
like yesterday is gone
like history is gone
the world keeps spinning on
you're going going gone
like summerbreak is gone
like saturday is gone (it sure is!)
just try to prove me wrong
you pretend like you're immortal

one of the most lingering things on my mind would be about duane's departure.can't help but think about it from time to time,although it doesn't affect me negatively in any way,since nothing anyone can do can stop him from leaving.after thursday night i felt quite empowered actually,like i reached some point of life when going out at some crazy hour at night was now perfectly okay.of course,that is not what i should have learnt,but still,it was like some strange sort of emancipation or something.

he said she said
live like no tomorrow
every moment that we borrow
brings us closer to God

whatever it is i'm ranting,something in me has been admitting from time to time that i'm still going to miss duane pretty much even though there isn't much of a problem about it in the first place.

make that very, very much.

gone baby gone.