tonight i wrote down 4 to-do's on my planner:
1. plan schedule (for the next 13 weeks)
2. bessy burgess characterization
3. owen poems (Mental Cases,Dulce Et Decorum Est,Disabled)
4. Act 1 of Plough (and the Stars)
that's just for tonight.and i think i'm just writing them for you know,the sake of writing them.given my current amount of energy i think i'm going to black out soon.but how can i spend one entire night not doing anything but staring blankly intoxicated in front of my laptop?
i kid myself sometimes.
this morning was,you could say,horrors.i love it somehow when the PE teachers never fail to pop out of nowhere during otherwise TGIF moments to ruin your completely innocent,untouched day and make you feel like the scum of the PE world without doing as much as having this pop-quiz style napha test the day i decide to return to school-with-pe-first-period day.what made matters the worst,it was declared that everyone who had gloriously passed napha last term would no longer have proper pe lessons,which were now called 'free and easy periods'.which of course,immediately excluded me.i don't know if i should be feeling ashamed about this,no doubt i was pretty upset again but i grinned and bore it anyway.i can practically feel everyone laughing at me as they read this.and then pretend to be oh so sympathetic as i lie defeated upon the beaten track.
what can i do? i honestly cannot pass my 2.4.go ahead and say it's okay,it doesn't matter,this doesn't make me who i am.but for goodness's sakes,stop lying through your teeth.if it matters to me,it can't matter any less to you.
it never fails to be an hour of mixed emotions.as i held my tongue and tears and went ahead to redo my 5 items for the thousandth time despite having passed them last term and the many terms before with the other slightly-less-physically-inclined people (mostly those insanely genius people from science fac) i couldn't help but feel like a helpless participant on the world's greatest freak show - people who cannot pass their napha.mr seet had given me a very sympathetic look earlier,but however he disappeared soon after and i could no longer glance in his direction and plead for him to remove me from my dreadful circumstances.i actually feel comforted that he was from vj arts.like,less ostrasized or something.
so i continued on to clinch my A for situps and inclined pull up even though i hadn't had the time to train at all since exam madness started (who does inclined pull up for fun?!) but in the face of abandonment by my classmates (who were outside happily playing floorball,
free and easy) i barely made it through the rest of the stations.i think i failed 2 in fact! it's atrocious.but maybe that might keep my need to run and pass at bay,since i already failed the 5 items there's no need in continuing with my run down humility aisle right? but not that all these logical reasonings stopped my honest-to-goodness feet from transfering me back outside at the track with an incomprehensible look of elation that my time to run had come.
i told ms ng with the most faked smile that i had come to do my 2.4.at certain points of life,you may indeed find yourself consciously betraying your foremost decisions to stand your ground,and this was mine.i'm sure if i could have see my face then,i would have seen how strained i looked,the rims of my eyes ready to spill the beans.i mean,tears.
i don't know if it was genius on my part,or pure luck.ms ng took pity on me and i ended up doing 100m sprints around the track at 100m intervals.basically that's a walk run walk run schedule.after that whole routine i couldn't have felt more like shit,honestly.not that i didn't cover 2.4 because i did (and at a rate iv never covered it before,though in 100m intervals).but the thing i'll never forget about those 1.2 sprints (sprint half,walk half) was how i ended up crying by my 4th round.of course i wasn't crying because i had to run around whilst my class lovingly bonded over floorball right in my face at the side of the track,i would have done that much earlier if i really wanted to get out of redoing napha.was talking to ms ng after my 4th round just before she left for her next class about what we were going to do about my running and things got a little too personal.some things just flick the switch,so suddenly everything that was on my mind in that instant came falling out and i went from struggling,dignified track prisoner-of-war to vulnerable,defeated basket case (yet again).i think i put up a pretty strong front though,i certainly didn't want anyone to see my ridiculous crying scene.however ms ng did get pretty shocked.in the end i promised her i was going to return to vj one day to prove that i could pass my 2.4.
i don't know what to do with myself.
how on earth is any guy going to take my nonsense?
therefore i branch off to my second and third topic as inspired by Cleo's articles (Cleo,the magazine).why are some of the most attractive (to female counterparts) women still single? and does love conquer all,even infidelity?
a woman's level of attractiveness,even in her own eyes,is constantly questioned everytime some other female is noted as being highly pleasing to the eye,and sometimes more than just that body part.BUT i digress.is there really such a thing as more pretty and less pretty? is beauty not unique to each person? or has it all been compressed into the world of perfect,of photoshop and makeup? is it right to rank women according to their "level of attractiveness",pardon the vulgarity of that description,and shamelessly declare each woman's worth likewise according to such? the world is quick to boast of Dove (whom i fiercely support) and its campaign for real beauty,but if you ask me the world simply pretends it loves women who are confident of who they are regardless of
who they are and exalts those who are in reality painfully afraid of what their physical selves will reflect if they were to let the much overused term
inner-beauty have it's honest say.i have my moments of envy when i see a perfect waist,gorgeous skin,great legs.but something inside me nags that i,and no one at all,should live by flesh alone.it is easy to criticize such advocators of true beauty as cowards who are merely putting up a front over their far-far-far-from-perfect bodies and desperately trying to destroy the victors of this i-must-be-perfect cause.yes,i do feel like a coward,a victim of circumstance in my lowest moments.somedays i wake up and can't believe i have to face the world with the mere lot i have to offer.i do,on many occasions,feel like the most unattractive girl alive.i,contrary to popular belief,actually am convinced 90% of the time that no one can ever love me.and i say it once again,that don't try to tell me otherwise if you can't prove it to me yourself.
the only proof i need,i sometimes admit,is for someone to
dare.
i don't think it's fair for anyone (and i am sure there are many) to live this way.i tell my friends to never feel that they're not good enough for someone.i probably offer the most encouraging advice ever.and it sucks shit knowing that i say these things,mean it,yet find it impossible to apply to myself.i don't even know why i'm being so acutely honest (so honest it may come back and slap me in the face very soon) today.maybe i am because i am fed up.i am so fed up i refuse to threaten to jump off a building in mindless depression like i used to want to do,and instead fight back one insensitive comment at a time.
as my question went earlier,why are some of the most to-die-for characters still single? and even if this weren't the case,the second article i was reading was why people cheat on their partners.make a choice,carry it around,and finally decide to put it back on the shelf.live up to the epitome of
false hope,silently empower the excuses made by
lost trust.it is,truly,a harsh reality to face up to.i was just talking to steph earlier today,whispering in lit class more like it,that i didn't think it was possible two married people don't like other people for the rest of their lives.a crude summary of what i was saying,yes,but i don't see how marriage seals off your attraction to others.this must be the ugly truth.husbands and wives can't stop having crushes on their own friends.the human nature can't possibly allow that.that's why my mum always teaches me that commitment keeps you together,not romance.that's why the world teaches me divorce is okay.too many people have married for lifelong
romance.but
they who love the greater love,to quote Owen,those are the ones who marry for lifelong
love.it's really hard without God as the glue,if you ask me.living with someone for so long can really drive you to complacency.don't believe me ask my brothers.some siblings don't even talk to each other at home.glue sticks fast,but dries over the years and if its cheap it'll probably be nothing more than a film of plastic over 2 surfaces that once refused to come apart.that sounded highly amateur somehow,but i think it makes my point.
"Q: I've been with my current boyfriend for four years now and my feelings for
him seem to have faded. I no longer feel as in love with him as I used to be and
have been thinking of initiating a breakup, but I'm afraid of hurting his
feelings as he loves me deeply. How can I break the news to him without hurting
him badly? -(obviously clueless) Cleo reader."
on one hand i'm dying to say 'you should have known better'.but then again,it worries me about how frail the human condition is.where do we draw the line with the excuse "I'm only human"?
do tell.
yes.
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