we are irony herself tonight

it must be God,literature,irony,..something in my fish noodles.something,anything.

i feel like i've come to the place of peace after those long nights of wondering and pondering,drifting,being in flux.today the randomness of this familiar world has somehow ceased and i'm ready to reconquer the universe of my life.

it's good to be home.

curtain call?

hmm,not having to work is actually a really great concept since i don't have to set my alarm for anything,i don't have to make sure i'm getting enough sleep because i will (with all 24 hours in a day finally all mine),i can make whatever plans i want in the day and not worry if i'm free (because as long as there are no prior plans,of course i'm free).

but,not having to work also has its very bad points such as being available for nagging at as long as i remain at home,wasting away in front of the computer either watching CSI or ANTM,having 4 borrowed books i'm supposed to finish but it seems like iv got all the time in the world so i am not reading like i should be,and if i'm not proactive in creating useful things for my time,nothing happens at all.i'm free and completely wasted.

it happened today,since this whole week i've been more or less just totally free as opposed to last week when i was like just back from bangkok and tying up loose ends in the office,settling into life without work.so yeah,it's friday ALREADY and camp facilitator just called to remind me i HAVE CAMPS all through the next two weeks.am totally DREADING them but i guess what more can i do with myself these days? i ironically need school to pull me back to life.i can't run from it forever.anyhow,little problems such as loneliness and boredom are threatening to trip me into other sorts of larger problems that i really do not want to deal with.want to know what they are? speak to me personally if you're steph,zwing,swan or rachel.otherwise don't bother.

can't say that alot has been on my mind,because it's just filled with CSI/ANTM/FREE TIME,so i'm just making my life up as i go along in some odd manner.and this is the first..or maybe second day that i'm just throwing to the wind.not doing something just feels so wrong.it's like i'm open to all sorts of potential issues just waiting to happen.especially when i'm hearing about people's problems and stuff and i'm forced to somehow reconcile all that to myself and wonder when's my own turn (since i just got out of a few serious ones).like to me,people's problems,though they feel like they could very well be my own,may just one day be mine.and i'm going to have to deal with that.but i think that whole 'in flux' thing and emptiness of emotion's all still here.i'm still suspended in transition,my foot's slightly caught in older issues yet i'm still bravely stepping forth into the future.as a result i'm like going no where at all.i'm not colliding into anything new and refreshing,neither am i wallowing in something old and so over.i can barely believe my life is dramatic anymore.if anything it is dramatically not happening.

i mean life used to be very vibrant and active,things just keep rolling and happening and i used to have to be constantly on the ball.emotions just flowing in and out and through me like fuel keeping the crazy engine of my whole life going.i had great camera moments when people all around me just work together so well and have so much fun together,i had moments when i was very self-aware that i was depressed/sad/moody.but i'm not that sure about myself anymore.i don't know if you'll call that self doubt,but alot of times these few months i'm just a bit of this and that all put together.never too happy,never too sad.except maybe for that one time last week when i was really down and out.but that really sucked.that was a real huge problem,not one that is in some way delightful at all.never want to live through that again.

but it's not like i want to live through my past problems again just because i found certain beauty and memory in them.maybe because they involved people who weren't family,people whom i felt i could write stories about and actually re-read those stories and feel warm even though they weren't always pleasant.remember those painful times fondly yes,but not live through them again.don't think anyone will get what i mean by that,but if you want an explanation,again,speak to me personally.

i'm kinda like an optimist,so i'm not willing to say that hey i concede defeat my life has ceased to exude quality and enigma like it used to.in fact,despite my mounting dread of next week's kill-me-slowly camps,i'm willing to hold faint belief that uni life will fire up my lacklustre life as it is now.meeting up with kl and finding out we're in all our camps together definitely helped alot.knowing that school holds so much promise and energy also helps.being able to finally get out of this holiday thing with its little fevers and delusions is good news too.my mind only has 2 more days to wander.i'm moving on babes! 

teeth have also stopped hurting so much.a little sore still but at least i can more or less eat properly now.last night darryl and i went cycling and stupidly (though half deliberately) got caught in the rain.think it was good though.i loved the quietness of eastcoast (so rare) and the chilly winds that were lingering with the rain,and even the familiar company of my dear best guy friend whom i so love and hate all at the same time.i don't think i've encountered anyone who so truly makes me mad and appreciated one after another in the same sequence.one minute we're goofing off the next he's sulking and i'm pissed off suddenly we make up and he's making me laugh even though i'm appalled at his behavior and then all over again i've hurt his feelings and he's yelling at me which makes me yell back.......over and over and over until we're too tired to say sorry anymore and just sit in weirdly happy silence.it takes so much effort being your bestfriend darryl you better appreciate what i'm doing.

AHHHHHHH should i just be happy with what i'm doing with my pathetic life now??

happy birthday kevin!!!(:

how could i forget the hottest father on TV steph?! hahaha.

anyway it's kevin's actual birthday today.want to wish him a huge happy 21st and i'm so glad it turned out much louder than he expected. (: you totally totally deserve it okay.i didn't plan it but i uh,did try quite hard to produce a worthy present.so i'm hoping you have a great day ahead and plenty of emotional moments whilst reading my book.and good laughs too of course.

my life is full of wonderful people,actually.

why you have to watch gossip girl.

because they play 17 year olds who act WAY older than us 19 year olds AND they're all about our age in real life.mindblowing.

because they each play such unique roles that together form such an intriguing storyline,and make school life look more glamorous than it has ever been.

because they're all so hot and have such great chemistry with each other you wish you had a bunch of friends as camera perfect as they are.

because of hot-hot-hot chuck,who's actually british and is a walking explanation as to why most of us girls just love the bad guys.

God will piece my life back together

at this moment in time i feel as though only an excerpt written some time ago from my God journal deserves to be displayed:

"help me know You,help me listen.help me embrace my freedom.help me love You with all my heart.help me live out Your victory for my life.help me walk only in Your Way.help me be like You.

whatever drought,whatever storm.

i want you to know that i'm holding you firm.

i am your belayer.

fall upon me

i don't scorn you.

i'm here to help you.

where do i start Lord?

what do i do?

my mind is such a mess.

God,don't remain silent...

when God places a burden on you

He has his hands underneath you

Jesus holds my destiny

It's not only about emotions

It's about something far more powerful

that even in an emotional desert

streams of abundance still flow.

trust in God goes deeper than mind,soul and body

beyond every circumstance,every situation.

God knows.God sees.God will do something."

followed by:

Strengthen the feeble hands

Steady the knees that give way

Say to those with fearful hearts

Be strong, do not fear;

Your God will come, 

He will come with a vengeance;

With divine retribution

He will come to save you.

Isaiah 35

and a not so random excerpt from The Duchess of Malfi:

Look you, the stars shine still

Come, be of comfort,

I will save your life.

- Bosola

I love a great God.

I can remember,you know

My story with BCCSC starts on just a regular Sunday on the bus home with Mark and David (cannot remember why else besides the fact that we live in the same neighbourhood). I had been spending my days wondering aimlessly around Singapore looking for some purpose in my post-JC life, hoping never to have to work yet knowing I couldn't hang around like a bum for long without severe self-esteem issues. Working was the new studying for old teenagers my age, and now without any homework to contend with I had no other excuse to put it off. I had, at that point of time, never worked a day in my life of course. I'm, up till now, just a regular straight-to-university student. Macdonald's cashiering is not an option.

I had many intentions on coming to BCCSC to find a job, one of them being church was a comforting familiarity and many of my cell members were finding their places there. Thus when David actually voiced his opinion that I should try out volunteering at BCCSC's student centre, I did not really hesitate to agree. Cutting a long and definitely boring story short, I got in touch with Jacinta and started a short volunteering stint there since I was not given a proper position there as a member of the staff. Somehow or rather, God's divine ways led me to the old conference room of the not-yet-renovated church office and straight into the unknown hands of Mandy and Toonhan. They interviewed me for a position in the Family Department as a Youth Worker, quite unlike my initial conception of working with children alone. I honestly, at that point, had no idea what on earth BCCSC did besides work with children in the centre or elderly living in the blocks around the church. Thus when I accepted the job somewhat dubious of everything I was in for, I was pretty frightened for my life given the fact that my dear new superiors made the youth I was about to meet and work with seem like the scariest ever young teenagers I had never ever known.

Throughout my life I have been fortunate in terms of my family, my studies and my friends. Coming to BCCSC and allowing myself to be exposed to the other side of Singapore, the side my friends and I had never seen, was very much enlightening as it was life-changing. This side of Singapore in the busy heartland of Bedok contrasts drastically against my life thus far of sprawling housing estates, beautiful school campuses populated by the well-to-do and slightly glamorous lifestyles of country clubs and Orchard Road hang-outs. Growing up in purely elite schools like SCGS and VJC, I never got the chance to meet with those who, I mean no offense, don't do well in examinations, land up in schools with less-than-perfect company awaiting, and often find themselves in certain moral dilemmas. It's not that good schools don't have such temptations - the rich simply have a way of keeping themselves out of too much trouble. I never was a part of the group that pushed the boundaries when I was in school, neither was I in an environment whereby my morals were constantly put to the test. At very most I liked wearing my socks way lower than the ankle-high rule.

I met a whole range of youths during my stint at BCCSC - the typical problem youth who (wow) have brushes with the law from time to time, the odd-ball youngsters who are clueless about social behavior, and the little naughty boys who have issues with anger management. Many of these children come from families with pretty severe problems at hand, which give rise to their own behavioral problems. Although I don't know very much about counselling or social work, I learnt that everyone has a need for help, and everyone deserves to be heard and offered a kind hand. No matter how problematic or outrageous a client may be, they still deserve to receive the love of Christ through us. It is not for us to say who is better or worse. I also learnt that social workers really have huge hearts and enormous listening capacity - in other words enduring patience and overwhelming love for the lost and helpless. It has been my true honor to work with and make good friends with such people.

As for my own personal experience throughout the 5-6 months at BCCSC, I will always remember my first day in the under-renovation office. I was nervous and uncomfortable, sitting in the corner of the back conference room that was cluttered with computers and stuff. I remember Toonhan showing me around, making me read those (honestly kinda useless) reports on the programmes run (I couldn't understand a word!!). John came in later and I was pretty scared of him because I didn't know him like I knew Jeslyn and Mary. But things got better when we went to buy food from 85 and he told me about how he met Shirley and his upcoming marriage. When we all moved in to the new office I volunteered to wipe all the tables and help unwrap the new chairs. Mary and I had to move all the old office material back from Hall 2 to the new cupboards - packing could kill! I got my own table, which I happily used as a huge creative space for me and all my unused barang at home. Boy, will I miss that work space.

What else will I take with me when I leave? Perhaps it's the interesting story on how Darryl got his job through my recommendation, or how we loved to explore the room with the ping pong table..maybe how we watched Room 401 in SCC, or how Trinette, Darryl and I had spontaneous monthly Pay Day Dinners (starting with Crystal Jade, followed by Thaipan, Ajisen Ramen, Billy Bombers, and finally Simpang Bedok). Nothing would have been the same without these 2 very special people - one who always gets on my nerves with his crazy antics and sometimes bad temper, but will in the end make me smile when he starts disturbing his dearest Olive Oyl, the other is the delightful brunt of Darryl's teasing and resident whiner who's great to boss around (HAHA) and love tremendously. I love you both dearly, people. It's so sad to see us no longer hanging out after work (or even during work)..no more PDDs and random car rides to eat good food. I won't get to tolerate Darryl's singing in the morning (and every moment he's in the car) or have Trinette make me milo anymore. The Office Fiends is having its very last episode tomorrow when work draws to its rapid end. I had never imagined it making so much difference to my life, but it has. Its imprint is on my life journey forever.

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me, is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.

Oh well.

its the season of the secret blog! everyone who's been authorized to go check it out can.if not,don't bother giving yourself a heartattack.

where do i stand?

when i become devoted to a certain thing and its completion/fulfillment,my entire life grinds to an uncomfortable standstill.a stuttering sort of halt,one that stumbles over the force of inertia as i find myself focussing on only that thing,willing it to come to pass so that i can get over it.and i am strangely unable to really forget it before it arrives,and although i do try to get on with life and think about the rest of my duties as a person,i can't.

with the QET i just couldn't have as much fun,be as carefree,be as happy and uninhibited.now with the BK trip looming in 4 days,i can't focus on the things that are even more important actually - preparing to say goodbye to my colleagues in a fashion that is characteristically me,which would involve heartfelt notes and pretty farewell gifts.matriculation tomorrow is already killing me at the thought of it.i want it all to just come and go,go away so that i can live my life in the usual wild abandon.no prepared plans,no idea what will happen,but whatever happens tomorrow i will take up happily because i didn't know about it forehand.especially if its something like the QET,which sucks.i hate tests/interviews/workshops.anything that holds me down.

which is why i have a nagging suspicion as to why i can't seem to just let go of certain issues/persons in my life.because to me there are unresolved matters at hand,things that i have yet to accomplish/find out.things that i want to know so that i can get over whatever they are and move on with my oliving (as replacement of swear word) life.

i don't know if i have a problem,or if its just the lack of one.today during altar call i was seriously wondering if i had a problem at all.because i just feel like i don't have any major ones.nothing that's making me cry at night,burdening me through the day.nothing.state of flux.no motion.no emotion.no long term problems that bug me.maybe having no problems is a problem.i'm just stressed having to consider that school is starting,bangkok trip is coming,work is ending,projects still not complete,life is not totally in order yet.and will not be,i'm guessing,once school starts.so much to get in order.but that's just the way it is.it's not like causing me to go mental (HAHA to all those who know what i mean),or like,be some complete basketcase (as usual).just don't like knowing that things are unresolved.new routines are going to be introduced.shifting out of the old ones that i had just grown used to.i mean,these really aren't world-crashing-down problems.they're just,part of life as it is for me.and the good old me just wants to sit back and not have a care in the world.live on an island and just not care.

anyway tomorrow's monday.start of a rushed and probably damn stressful week.uggghhhh have the monday blues just thinking about it already!!!!!!!!!!i want my retreat!!!!!!!!!!!!i don't want people to make me do anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i want to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rest.relax.rejuvenate.retreat.revive.

i'm not exactly in the right frame of mind to do any of those Rs,but i'm really hoping i'll manage to have one before school starts.these are a few people i'm hoping to join me on my mission to revive myself: Steph, Swan, Kahpoh, Huishuang..and whoever wants to be refreshed for uni.

it'll be 3 days worth of resting,relaxing,rejuvenating,retreating..all of which hopefully end in Revival.

i have a few ideas in mind.

2D1N aviva spa/retreat - $700++

1N in Novotel, which will be hopefully, courtesy of swannie.if not we'll find some place to sleep.

but of course if the spa idea is considered outrageous,we'll just stay in the room at novotel and do other things like pedicures/manicures/facials/hair treatment for each other.a 1N thing,since how long can you possibly do stuff like that anyway.

activities for a longer retreat will include swimming/gymming/spa-ing/shopping/sightseeing - yes,around singapore.i will make sure it's interesting.going to places we rarely frequent,and seeing new faces in the crowd.

but of course,i'll be focussing on Body, Mind and Soul - which is why every day of the retreat will be different.spa/relax day first,then some good reflection/getting life in order/spiritual uplifting next,ending off with fun social games to remind us that life is still worth living.

i need some convincing.retreat!!!!!

the hiatus ends

i'm developing a sort of love-hate relationship with computers.i can feel my eyes just melting under all the radiation stuff coming from the crazily bright screen.after hours and hours of clicking and blinking away,i don't really know why i'm even online now.burning my corneas up.

just watched it's a boygirl thing.quite nice,but totally cliche.worth only 2.5 stars.passable.gossip girl is wayy better.

i wanted to blog about my working experience tonight,but honestly now i not only don't know where to start,but also don't even feel like doing it.i have to soon,nicely,for carol,but for myself i've been having flashbacks of first coming to bccsc looking for something temporary whilst i found a better job elsewhere.then i thought that perhaps a job with the kids would be good and fun,plus a chance to make new friends in a very non-working environment.but who should have thought things turned out quite differently.i lend up in the office,and despite initially thinking this so wasn't my kinda thing,it became a very very important avenue for my artistic endeavours,all just waiting to happen before all this.developed friendships that have since altered my mindsets and behavioural tendancies,taught me things about fellowship i would have never figured out myself.i actually found a job where i'm needed,and what i can offer is important.isn't that so great?

but i have to admit that i am pretty stressed out,to what degree is for you to guess.i do not like this feeling.i mean,tons of ppl are out there slacking their guts out before school starts and the big mad rush starts again.the pressure to be cool.the pressure to start off well.the pressure to have a fantastic social life.and for me now,it's the pressure to wrap up my old life and start planning for the new.guhhhhh.

I NEED RELEASE.

THE SINGAPORE FLYER(:

hence begins my crazy trip on the flyer.

this was taken right at the top.

favourite shot.

who can resist horsing around?

my lovely flyer partner,swannie.

cheers to free cocktail!(:

see the singapore skyline?

when things start going a little tipsy..

you jump i jump!

one of my favourite shots.