always behind me

sometimes i prefer to live in the present
see and hear and breathe the present
when i'm happy i only belong to the present
i will purposefully live to the fullest in the present
when i think i'm in love again i cannot do without the present
when i forget you i only want the future and the present
in my simple mind i dwell only in the present
for the present
forever in the present
but when the old pain swells up again, the present
falls away and i see and hear and breathe yesterday
the way you saw me and turned away
you didn't just move on you moved away
and on these miserable days i drop my present
and wallow in the past hoping to 

perhaps find my way back to you.

we all hurt the same way

i had a long and tiring day of work.i was inspired by the hoarders episode on home&health to stop being such a hoarder,so i cleared out my two ancient cupboards that nobody else knows exist but have always been in my room.

everything else can only be said on the secret blog.you know where to go.

perhaps not.

as darryl says,this is life..in bccsc

you decide.

trinette's lousy photography,my angellic moment (:

making eyes at each other..angry eyes that is.office enemies!

darryl actually looks nice.or maybe it's just the wall.

awww(:

i love this picture. (:

going the distance

one week of march left.in a way,time is passing pretty slowly.this week felt so draggy and in low spirits.i'm hoping for more excitement and out-of-ordinary activities this week.who can make my dreams come true?

the jonas brothers song is making me emo! it's so whiney but it actually grows on you.i'm also worrying about my interview at smu this saturday,though mark is trying to alleviate my anxiety.i hate interviews.i'm so painfully shy man.not that it's any use saying that because no one believes me but it's true.i hate interviews.

the braces aren't helping,let me tell you.everyone keeps making fun of me because of them.it's a bit...sad.i didn't know it was that bad.

a note to myself: get back in touch with God.i've been letting Him just hang this week.more consumed by my moody self and rebellious streak.it's all strange and new.i am so hate-able now.as in,you could hate me real easy.i keep snapping and getting annoyed at the slightest thing.i kinda more or less figured out the reason why,but i think it's time to stop being childish and human and try to do things a little more WWJD.

i gotta go sleep already cos i haven't been getting much of that at all these few days,and may just fall sick again if i continue pressurizing my poor mind to work in energy-starved conditions.have to remind darryl that i exist before he forgets me tomorrow morning.but just a little something i was turning over in my mind yet again - the true test of how much a person means to you would really be the distance you are willing to go,and the sacrifices you are so quickly ready to make,just to be with that person.it sounds silly and overused but i think there's a great deal of truth in that statement.

goodnight world.

"If a man could be in two places at one time I'd be with you." 

- If, Bread (a song by a band)

what's love event(:

living with a shadow overhead

i am such a monster these days.i come home early to be faced with another variation of soft food (rice/noodles with soup) and have to decide how to waste the rest of the evening away,as long as it involves the remote control,my favourite black swivel chair and the 40-inch samsung (i think that's the brand).then i go online at 10 plus,put off the tiresome brushing teeth till later,and click my mouse hoping to find someone interesting to talk to,nag about my painful mouth,brood about how static and one-dimensional life is.

i didn't even plan anything today,and it's a holiday!when i finally have a day to just do absolutely nothing,i forget that i have to actually plan my days instead of letting work hours and certain arrowing individuals plan my day for me.i wasn't in the best of moods yesterday so i was considering,though i can't believe myself now either,not coming to church for good friday.i've been so wrecked up and monotonous this whole week that i have to a large extent forgotten what good friday is all about.it isn't,i realize with daniel's prompting,just another church day.every day is church day since i work there yes,but not good friday.good friday is something more.now that i think about it again,i can't believe i told daniel i just didn't want to go.and i'm so glad that he made me.i'm so lapsing out of good deep communication with God nowadays,just looking at my life and frowning in bored displeasure,that i needed someone like daniel to remind me about what Jesus did.i suspect i did not even think of how good friday is all about Jesus until daniel said "good friday is all about what Jesus did for us".my life has just been all about the falling down,my bruised knee,my work frustrations,my relationships,my class outings,my macbook,my handphone,my car rides with darryl,my television shows,my story books,my university applications,my stupid teeth,my pathetic meals...always something about Joanne Joanne Joanne but never just Jesus.

i'm getting so frustrated over everything,it seems.i just want my cake and eat it,literally.i don't want things to continue being so constipated and awkward and upsetting everytime i try confronting them.neither do i want to use a fistful of my own lousy solutions to my problems because that's not the way i've learnt things should be done.i don't want to do things my way,even though it seems as though my things are my things and God has nothing to do with them.my hurting teeth are mine and not God's,and God can't do anything about them because it's part of the natural order that they hurt like shit for a week.i just hate feeling lousy and tired and hungry.i hate having the most basic of things not go my way.for goodness sake's this is just a hungry girl hoping to have a decent meal that is not in any way watery or mushy.i am so ashamed of myself and my behavior.how i let such a simple problem screw up my life,my friendships,my relationship with God.

my social life is zero,my days are the most boring and meaningless as long as i'm out of office,and nothing at all is exciting.i have no emotional input.i am cynical and displeased at the world around me.i am tired of love songs,of the pressure to seek romantic relationships,of having to give of myself to people who don't reciprocate.i am tired,of having to grow up so fast.

it scares me,as it scares darryl,as it scares trinette,as it scares the shit out of everybody.

i'm not ready.

mass destruction of lonely girl's life

she trips over the morning as it invites itself in

like every other morning it curls its way 

through her unlocked wooden door and

finds its way into her sleeping curls

her tightly pursed lips stressed by the nighttime cold

and like every other morning she dreams she's awake

thinks about reaching for her phone

dreams that she does

ignoring the morning's sun-tinted breath 

wafting through her frightened, hiding mind

today kisses her awake with a yell from downstairs

reminding her the clock isn't waiting, neither will he

Out pops her mess of hair from the shadow on her pillow

and into the sunlit hall she emerges

bravely stepping, though half-asleep, into the newness of day

did anyone message her while she slept? oh great

the toilet seat's left down again. did she check or did she dream?

there goes the alarm, left on again. I guess not

My braces taste of last night's toothpaste.. Nobody cares

I was hoping to get a reply. Hooray there's a book here to read

car

office

lunch

office

teatime

six o'clock

car

home

bathe

dinner

t.v.

macbook

book?

silence.

maybe God.

fall asleep hoping.

grumpy person

make that very unhappy grumpy person in severe tooth pain.

down here in the water so deep

today was my xray day,but as a result of watching the jap show till 2 plus and only getting sleep around 3,i woke up at 11 (after falling asleep after picking up a 9 a.m. call from trinette asking about my knee) and could only get to the doctor's at about 12.then i had to get a referral to east shore right outside my house,went there to get my xray done and had to wait till 3 to collect the results.in the mean time i completed my NUS application,thus rendering myself free from horrible uni apps for the rest of the next 2 weeks.AND nothing's broken,nothing's fractured.i've just got myself a beautiful set of 2 xray photographs of my left knee.i tried looking for my head xrays but my mum told me they were thrown away years ago.that is pure artistic potential going to waste i tell you.

to celebrate my newfound freedom from both work and uni apps,as well as peace of mind that my knee was no longer shattered in a few pieces i decided to lie down and gorge myself with lit and lang.i kinda gave up on the draggy p.s. i love you (i do not really like cecilia ahern's writing now that i'm experiencing it for myself) and moved on to the much more intriguing the time traveler's wife.it is indeed as mesmerizing as it is confusing.i'm not done with the first chapter so i'm still trying to figure out,with my slow dull mind,what exactly is going on and what kind of weird disease the male protagonist has.

then it was T.V. time! my most educational time of day.from E! to home&health to hour asia to star to channel 8,you really can learn alot from tv.i was especially caught up with human stories on home&health which covered the stories of 3 teenagers suffering from speech problems due to severe stammering.it was so painful just watching this guy called nathan trying so hard to talk to the camera about his issues,see him struggle to act in his performing arts class so that he wouldn't screw up during his school play.then there was another guy called woody who couldn't talk to strangers because he would get all nervous and not be able to get his words out besides the first syllable or so.and the last one was a younger girl also called joanne and she was so sweet and pretty,loved to read,but was so impaired by her stammering that people hung up on her when she tried calling in to apply for stuff or something.it was so heartbreaking.just thinking about how there are people out there in conditions worse than me,yet realizing that we're all in this huge rejected-by-majority-of-society problem together reduced me to tears actually.i cannot believe i cried,but at the same time i believe it cos inside i know what it feels like to literally battle the world head on every day of your life.to assert your self identity,to preserve your dignity and honour as a person despite of who you are,because of who you are.and it's not easy.

i wonder if i'm exuding some sort of ambient sadness because my mum just asked me if i was okay and insisted that i seemed sad.does watching too much TV and slacking around do that to you? what kind of sadness could it be man,the one i mentioned in my previous post? i can think of quite a few additional things that are getting me down,but all i want to do now is watch my wife and kids...music and lyrics (i still have NOT)...something,anything.i am also resisting all temptation to watch the other boleyn girl online.i think i shall just get the book and distract myself until midyear rolls around and it'll be out finally.ah.

is life now good?

leaving eden

just watched sky of love online and am extremely glad i didn't make anyone tag along with me to watch it in the cinema.it was beyond draggy,the concept was unoriginal,nothing about the cinematography was special...and i could have totally written a better story.where is the real emotion!? where is the real dialogue!? where are the words spoken that break your heart?! a good movie needs to make you feel for the characters,not just watch them statically.

anyway i'm going for my xray for the kneecap tmr and really really hope and pray that i haven't fractured anything,although i suspected i might have the minute i tripped over my living room stool.i don't want to be in crutches for a few months man.when my mum thought she felt fragments of bone where my knee cap is my heart just sank.like before that it seemed pretty drama and cool to have like,done something really original to my knee,a rather novel (is that how you spell it?) idea.but when i actually realized the true possibility of having a shattered kneecap i just totally died inside man.i do NOT want to have to deal with a broken leg.it's lifetime damage!! 

life for me now is such a web of frustration really.there's nothing too great,nothing too happy,nothing to look forward to.i'm just looking for a good break,no worries,no responsibilities.i just want to laze around and read my pile of literature that feli's been generously feeding me.i finished love in the time of cholera,and now have moved on to p.s. i love you (which is NOT literature).i also have that serious love book to read,though i'm currently not in the mood for anything along those lines.then there's the time traveler's wife (which looks very good) and remains of the day (which i have never heard of but feli says is very good).and now im inspired to read the other boleyn girl (by...i forgot the author's name again.).it sounds so good! see how many books i NEED to read? i have no time at all! just took on another tuition student,which means at least half a day will be burnt giving tuition in my week.

i mean,how not to be frustrated to a pretty annoying extent.first there's uni apps.i have to do sth about ntu's appraisals,finally decide what to sign up for in nus....and with my fantastically-nothing-to-shout-about results,my parents KEEP worrying about whether i'm going to get ANYWHERE and that's just making me nervous and fidgety about things too.i was so upset when my dad suggested retaking A lvls that i was crying in fits of anger and even greater bouts of frustration.on one hand i really can't be bothered with all this uni stuff,just apply and be done with it,see where God puts me.and on the other i'm like bombarded with SUGGESTIONS and ADVICE and WORRY it's like having my fingers squashed before i can even type out my online application.i want the world to just leave me alone so i can face it solitarily. 

today i stood silently,thanks to my nonexistent singing voice (which is another contributor to my great deal of inner frustration,i can't even sing along with darryl in his car),in church service listening to worthy is the lamb (or the song before that) and just felt absolutely sad for a very irrelevant reason.my mind was wandering and i knew God wouldn't have been very happy about that but for that instance i couldn't help it.then suddenly i realized that Jesus was right there with me,knowing my inmost thoughts and emotions that i can't and won't even express,understanding the turmoil within me that everyone refuses to talk too much about, only telling me the exact same thing (the solution).i pictured Jesus sitting beside me watching the sun glow over a quiet river,holding my hand,not saying anything.knowing exactly what i was feeling and mourning inside my heart over and over,but not giving the advice i have grown so tired of hearing.i already know the solution and will implement it,but at this point in time i just don't want to hear about it anymore and just be allowed to feel sadness and regret...just to sit in silence and grieve.i knew then that Jesus was my ultimate friend,the only one who would watch the sunset in silence instead of telling me how wrong i am to feel and think this way up till now,make me feel stupid and helpless... Just holding my hand and being there with me was all i really wanted.no words.no rebuke.no condemnation.just freedom to experience emotions that He made me with,knowing full well that He's ready to catch me should i fall,yet at the same time just waiting there to be with me when i drift alone in the lows of my life.

at this point of solitude with my Saviour sitting beside me hurting with me along the river in my head,a tear rolled down my cheek.i have to admit to myself how broken my heart truly is and how much work God's got to do to mend it.

it's so hard to leave eden.

sometimes I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away.

last night i wanted to do a post about chris brown but my browser jammed again

ignore jingyang.

the sweet kids i work with(:

darryl,mary and i.

me climbing the crazy watchtower.

self-explanatory.

things are not so sane in the office.

zero for zero skill.

soccer girl!


darryl was seasick.

i am still crazy over chris brown

it's my 4th day or so listening to Chris Brown's With You and i still love it.i still am falling madly in love with Chris Brown himself too.he is so so so so so cute.it is hilarious to sing (actually,croak,since my throat still hasn fully recovered) that song and imagine absolutely no one.as in,my 'you' in 'with you' doesn't even exist because i don't particularly enjoy being with anyone to a romantic extent.no one but Chris Brown,maybe.and the person i might really enjoy being with to a romantic extent currently does not deserve any of my sentiments.so i'm emotionally single.

i caught myself being emo today.this is what i wrote..along with a bit more nonsense on my 'To Do' piece of paper:

On the days I forget you, I think I'll live.

i don't know how much truth there is to that statement,but i definitely can generate good emo shit whenever i get distracted by certain somethings man.i read my secret blog and i swear i wld have cried if i wasn't the writer.i was thinking about how raw and painful yet beautiful my words were. (: such a narcissist but i think a bit of self-love won't hurt now right.

uni applications suck big time,btw.

b.w.u.

absolutely cute guy,

I'm into you and

no one else would do

With every kiss and every hug

you make me fall in love

And now I know I can't be the only one

I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight

With the love of their life who feel

what I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, 

with you.

ABBB

in case you were wondering what i got for A lvls,after all the mugging and crying and complaining.there is God in that result,i must remind you.God's in the horrendous C for GP,because now i don't have to do law (i can't,sheesh,...yes!!!!!).God's definitely in the lack of an A for geography because physical was just screwed for me (i knew it the minute i blanked out for last drq).God's in my ABBB.i just need to believe that and one day i'm going to see it.going to see why.

i mean,a B for econs? which everyone sadly and secretly knew that i was going to need some sort of miracle to even pass?God's in the B.and after failing math like a lot of times too..a B for math is already pretty good! i don't even know why i'm explaining this again,but i think its got something to do with my deep desire to believe God's in control.i was sad for a day,and then the next day things went back to normal and i knew i was still just as loved,just as appreciated,just as accepted for who i am,even who i am with ABBB AND a C for GP.

like,the human part of me that usually forgets to embrace the concept of God totally hates that score.i know because i heard myself thinking it today,and alot of times since friday.that i have like a really shitty result.like,shit.shit.shit.SHIT.and everytime my dad worries about how i'm going to get into a decent course like mass comm,double degree,whatever..i hear myself thinking,omg i know i have the shittiest results ever,are you trying to say this is my fault?that i got myself into this shit and now have to dig my sorry way out somehow?now that's the human side of me that i've been desperately trying to suppress.

but of course,excusing the bad language,i'm a changed person.i promised God and myself i wasn't going to just repeat the same drama crap that i cooked up during O lvl results.the 3 days of crying and sobbing..moping around feeling sorry for myself.i mean yeah i did do that after i got back from my class outing which delayed all my unhappiness but only for a while.but look at what happened after i got 9 points.i met great people,i went to a great place.and only God knew that at first,i just had to take the step of faith and leap into the unknown.God has never played me out.not even when i got so mad at him for even giving me 9 points and refused to talk to him for a week.wth,9 points isn even BAD in the first place and neither is ABBB AND A C for GP.not THAT bad,not even BAD.i was back to being happy and normal the very next day,when kevin came over to bake.something about kevin just makes me feel that the world is completely rational,sane,and the same regardless of my existence, my predicaments and my mood swings.i think the phrase is 'keeping me grounded'.i stop hallucinating and acting like judgement day has just taken place and i have just been deemed the most inappropriate being on earth.

omg,i really mean that.as in,that makes sense when i read it again.think about it! now that's why i'm so blessed to know him.seriously God's hero to me.in all my ridiculous rantings and predictions that i am weird and no one will ever understand me...i can get ABBB and act out like an ass over it and still be a wonderful person in his terms.i mean my bestfriends all see me the same way,just that i don't think i've ever truly believed them as much as i do kevin.a major part of me has returned to earth and started living like a normal human would,that means minus all the previous conviction that i was an alien without any particular gender type.

i've just put all my thoughts and musings in my brain into words.i am amazed at myself.watching Juno certainly has done wonderful things for my writing block (as you realize,i haven't blogged since 2 weeks ago).

there are so many things going through my head these days.alot of confusion and contradictions.like a crazy traffic jam of emotions and head stuff banging around inside me and making my new down-to-earth self severely dysfunctional.the other day,as i was telling some of you,i listened to 2 songs that meant something to me by accident while doing some work and ended up crying without noticing it until jeslyn called me and i looked up to find tears in my eyes.today my mum was talking about some university stuff and something she said made me think about certain things and i had tears in my eyes again.gosh.have you ever had a situation whereby you know in your head that whatever you wish for is completely impossible and stupid and you know that...but your heart just won't listen to you? not even when you have a perfectly fantastic alternative to your current choice? your head goes,GO THAT WAY,but your heart refuses to change routes and continues to head down the obviously wrong road? i've been feeling that way man.don't know what to do about it.as steph says,it's been an awfully long time and it's time to start trying a little harder to do the obviously right thing.steph you know what i mean.

i wanna know where God wants me to go.