God asked

"You are,I know,the most incapable person - weak and sinful. But just because
you are that - I want to use you for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?"

-Jesus to Mother Teresa,as accounted in one of her prayer dialogues with Him.[READ TIME'S LATEST ISSUE]

the question is to us all,really.and i can't help yelling NO in reply.plus a very big thank you,that God should ever choose me because I am not good enough.

a very wow moment indeed.

china rock la

found these at engrish.com and i don't think iv laughed so hard these past days till now.there are loads there but these few almost reduced me to tears.have a good laugh everyone(:

Take a piece of trash home today.

knew something wasn't right about that place.

one of the world wonders,just after the Great Wall.


that's not my thing.

what's for dessert?

all other animals..keep out.

you said it!

self-explanatory.

what will crippie and gravid do to those who don't?

we never quite figured out what kind.

reasons why people stopped eating here.

Can't...stop...touching...

that was a mouthful.

those bloody feminists.

mr josef must NOT see this.

a life without you scares me more

spent what felt like an hour looking for Just for U,only to find it was right under my economics books in a very 'just there' position.it was the most excruciating search of my life.like something along the lines of looking for my future husband.

last day in school tomorrow,and i finally aced my gp essay today with 54%.my education opportunity in VJ more or less ends here.look back at my first in-VJ post and you realize how time never gives you too much of a chance to memorize it all.missing my VJ life is going to be an understatement.

in late february last year i was forced into VJ arts fac due to poor O lvl results,very much to my despair because everyone said arts fac ppl faced about zero future.i spent 2 hours deliberating whether to take TSD,as many other ppl said this wld be the most worth it arts course to take.i talked to TSD ppl,i talked to geog teachers (the choice was between TSD and geog).i had previously thought i would nv want to take geog or lit again because physics and chem was the way to go.that day i made up my mind with huey ying's help and made the decision to take GLME and enter the notorious 06a14.i remember praying and telling God i knew He was in complete control,and this was going to all work out despite my drastic change of subject combination,my loss of my first VJ friends in s56.

the next day in my first geography lesson i met the ppl who would change my life forever.sure,grades are hard to get,but i'm challenged to think beyond my spectrum of mind,because arts exams hone the analytical section of the brain.TSD turned out to be possibly a bad influence on my walk with God.geography and lit make my day.the teachers are fantastic,even mr kan.zwing was the only thing worth taking from s56,which never fails to pale in comparison to the ever dynamic class i now am blessed to belong to.i've experienced real joy with the most real people i might ever meet.God really has been in complete control.tomorrow,it all ends.

but our legacy will live on.

i think i'll cry my heArt out w1thou4 you

i call this the "this is what we mean when we tell our parents we're studying in school late" picture.trinette and hueyying,the respective mounds.

the 2 bens.i just had to take a picture.

GP essay that i did.the last before prelims.Q2.

trinette sleeping on her bio textbook or something.

royce(: oh and jwei in the addidas jacket,far left.

steph and i,being bored.i mean,steph's dreaming about someone.but i'm just taking a photograph.

my stuff.a LOT of stuff.

the BOARD says it all.board,bored.get it? :) thought that was very funny.

esmond and minchieh,me and steph with a disgusted face,me and rachel who visited.times of my life i really love school.

<3

every day a14 sinks indefinitely into its inevitable last moments,and today i don't feel stress,i just feel sadness that this is the last proper week of lessons i'll ever have in VJ.4 days to GP.normal class ends this friday,forever.no wonder i've been feeling this urge to hug everyone i know in VJ.my chance may never come again.

3 things that summarize my day,as usual that quintessential (i bet i spelt that wrong) spoonful of drama:

1. i'm incredibly hurt by ms yip's meaness towards me in econs so i cry for the first time in class.
2. i'm deeply moved by mr josef's parting words during our last lecture with him,i almost cry.
3. i'm greatly distracted by esmond's presence during my usual study time,i could cry.haha(:

going to sleep and i think i'm going to pon first part of school tomorrow to sleep,and do correlation or something.will see mr kan and ms lim later on.very unpoetical way to end my short post,so i shall leave mr josef's super moving last words to us.i think i'm finally convinced that his sarcasm and harshness to us all this while was just to push us to always believe in ourselves and fiercely push our limits no matter what preconceptions we may have had of our lowly,uneducated selves.i bet he knew it'll work all along.thanks Mr J.

"Before the prelims, don't believe anything you hear. Believe half of
whatever you read, a quarter if they're RJ notes. But the most important thing,
is that during the exam itself you must believe everything you write."

good day

i had a good day.
don't know if i'm working my brain as hard as i'm working my heart though.
i love my friends.
life has taken us such a long long way together,really the way the river runs from its source to its mouth. (: before we all plunge into the deep blue sea of adulthood at the sad sad end of it all.

the transience of youth,really.

i don't know where we started

thanks to coming home a bit later today the amount of precious time i got to laze around at home while still fully awake was cut short,threatening my plans to either continue studying geog or to sleep early.actually those plans have ceased to exist as of this moment.

spent today wasting my breaks first discussing with saili mel and likuang (i love you guys) about our inherent lack of GP foundation and thus malthus theory like GP fate.not quite malthus la,but definitely NOT boserup,who's an optimist.stupid ****.OKAY stop swearing.then i spent my second break with my class,which decided to eat together since our days as a bunch are rapidly drawing to an end (so sad la,please) it was very nice talking nonsense and laughing with royce,steph and swan..although i don't really remember what was so funny anymore.royce's funny faces (those contorted with embarrassment and indignance) will stick in my mind forever and make me smile years from now (i love you guys!!!).

mr josef posed the hardest question to us today,which i also deem as the stupidest and meanest.we spent a weekend as a class putting together essay plans (working on them ourselves,mind you) and finally when we ask him to check through for us to make sure our answers are alright he gives the bloodiest ultimatum that it's either we let the whole geog cohort photocopy our essay plans which means he'll look through them,or he won't if we decide to be rightfully selfish.omg i seriously felt like regurgitating all my MR=0 facts there and then when mel informed me of his shit.thanks to daryl for teaching me MR=0 and public goods stuff before that in lecture,i can fully support my answer that we're being the world's first idiots who bother producing goods at MR=0 relative to a whole lecture group (who on earth is dumb enough to volunteer time and effort to compile ESSAYS while the rest sit around and study sth else,saving time as we do the hard labour for them?omg.) MR=0! geog essay plans are collective goods! they're non-rival and non-excludable ONLY if we choose to make them public by like,letting someone like mr josef armtwist us into photocopying our work for them just like that with a threat of not marking them at all! nobody else in the world will do it if there's such a thing! it's worth doing NOTHING and waiting for the essays to fall out of the sky (or in this case,stupid hardworking people who collate them for class purposes only initially).and we get NOTHING for it! in fact,we're producing something at such high cost (time,people,time!) whilst everyone else NOW can freeride and get it for nothing.

i only did GP essay and karst/inselberg stuff today): tomorrow we're meeting as a class,together with ms lim (hooray!) to settle the geog essay plan issue.i hope i can either argue my way out of it and convince everyone,like i think i did with the prom issue previously,that we must fight for our rights,as mel says.either that or i exemplify what WWJD is all about.

i'll spend the rest of tonight hoping God will make me less of a hypocrite by tomorrow.

the desperate say shit

while steph says coffee,i have to stop saying shit.maybe it's ms low's influence from today's shit-hurry-shit-hurry lit tutorial,which reflects the mounting anxiety everyone is feeling as prelims draw nearer,and nearer,and nearer - shit.

it's impossible not to get my drift.how about a list of words to help explain the convection currents churning in my heart? fatalistic,panicky,uber-stressed,exhausted,perplexed,pessimistic,miserable,inconsolable,erratic,numbed,desperate.

it's so hard,it's so taxing.it's so demanding.

please,

joanneee/life in monosyllable. says:
i'm.............

help me.

ho talks.

"...jonk wasn't wrong in saying that we have to work within the given time frame for exams and that the challenge is in trying to produce a good essay in and hour or sth. and the skills cultivated are essential. however that still does not sit well with me at all. to me, that's still the system speaking. i don't know if she knew it, or rather bothered about it, but it really did frustrate me that what she values in her education is sth out of her being conditioned by it. like miss lim i believe, i still understand that these systems to yield results. and order is necessary. but we need to be aware of what's going in our heads and coming out. and why, and how. i'm more concerned about the system limiting our views and the way we think, not being the best means of promoting learning as i value it. really learning and engaging each other in learning, being passionate about it, the depth of it. and yes, it works in ways, but in others it's utterly unfair in judging us who might stumble in some areas. cause the system is and trains people to be unforgiving, but it's all paper chase."

read rachel's blog.

i will never really be alone(:

this type of life is totally draining physically,but so totally worth it.i'm once again accomplished today! running on 1% of human battery now and am about to totally go flat soon so i'll say a few things then leave.

the highlights of today were teaching stepho hot spot theory,sitting through mr josef's side-splittingly funny lecture on birth control,having aaron and rach as my human geog remedial tutors,learning how to use a number line to do summation with steph from aaron's math genius,and studying around the clock till 10 with huey and ben which let me finish loci,katrina and a bit of gatsby.i'm extremely fulfilled.

study buddies rock la.

:D :) :/ :O :\ x zzzz.

complexed.

i just spent my entire day figuring out complex and tomorrow i'm going to do loci and finish it if possible!hoping to move my math along abit more so i can really chiong human and econs.sigh.okay enough of work,although that's all that's on my mind given the fact that i just spent 15 hours in school today,and most of it was chionging.

class guys were totally rubbish today.first daryl banned me from making any quick movements because it supposedly disturbed the peace around him.aaron called me and steph the greatest noise makers,generating more noise than all the rest of the girls put together.during geog tutorial mr josef made fun of me many many times (along the lines of lion king) and i don't think the boys could have been better satisfied.when i saw royce and aaron going into the library after school they told me "NO we are NOT mugging!".when i got back from lunch both of them were apparently sleeping at their table so i went over to wake them up but instead saw royce peeking suspiciously out from under the piece of paper that was covering his head.then aaron started laughing from his slumped over position and said it was "royce who planned it".they were hoping i'd leave them alone or better still miss them completely.what idiots!but after sharing our a14 escapades with huey and ben today,i realized how much i absolutely love my class.

i hope life continues getting better,just like this(:

a little faith can go a long way

there's nothing my God cannot do.

thanks huey(:

4:50,and i'm home

this is somehow not a surprise,if i get home early,i'm online.why do i fail to impress myself by sticking to my work?today can probably be summed up as the day i actually contemplated giving up.i don't have to elaborate on what one does when giving up.to be precise,one does nothing.

it's like on one hand i'm guessing yip and kan are trying to inspire me to work really hard and prove them right that i can be their star student.it's a gut feeling.but it isn't enough.because today,failure doesn't inspire me,it doesn't give me a shove taunting me to shove back real hard like i am fully capable of.today the fighter within me sat down and cried.no i haven't cried in real life but i think somewhere inside me something's crying its eyes out.and then i thought,what if i just didn't study for A levels?certainly wouldn't feel too much different from now would it.just stop strategizing like crazy every day.stop taking out my schedule and reshuffling things around.stop writing on post-its all my to do's.all my to do's that are rarely completely done.

it all comes down to 3 words.3 words God has heard over and over again.okay great jared has disrupted my moment of unhappiness.with the thing i love alot.video editing.but the show must go on.

3 words.

i'm so scared.

this is the last time i'm coming home early.

still chasing waterfalls after all these years

tlc is so over,but the 'chasing waterfalls' song brings back memories haha.i remember some ppl were so crazy over it.well,it is pretty catchy.and geography sounding.oh bleagh.

"don't go chasing waterfalls,please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

now you're telling me..

okay actually i don't totally get what the song is talking about,but i'm guessing it's about how i should lower my standards instead of chasing after absurd dreams.be realistic.

school's starting tomorrow after a week of national day closure.i sense some world-weariness stirring within my tired heart.this is as exciting as reality can get.

i want to tell you everything,but only if you'll listen.

this must be the way God feels about me.He has so much to talk about,so much to share.He wants me to know everything i can possibly understand.hear about His life,be happy with Him.be sad with Him,learn about the stuff that bugs Him.intimate details,funny slices of life.yet all i do,is respond with barely a 'haha',sometimes a forcefully understanding 'i see,okay'.and God's struggling to communicate,have a two-way heart-to-heart thing over here.but i don't seem interested in what He has to say.like what He's trying to tell me isn't worth a second thought,needless to say a deep ponder..not even a proper reply that shows that i'm giving back,interacting,loving every moment we're having this discussion.i'm too busy to stop and talk,honestly.that's what i reason at least.God's important,yes.but He's always there,He can hold on while i get my life back here straightened out right?He knows i've got loads on my mind,my heart..i can't just put down everything and talk about it,can i?talking never solved anything.these are my problems.this is my life.God can wait.my words,my body language,my input to the conversation He's trying to start - they only say one thing.I don't have time for this God.and there goes the precious moment.every life-changing,burden-sharing,strength-giving thing God could have told me if i was just willing to shut up,get in-tune,and wait upon Him..i miss it all.but it isn't too long before sweet reality kicks in and shoves me back into combat mode.and God quietly says,"anymore,and you could have fallen in love with me."

why didn't i see it earlier?God likes me.

a summer of sorts

i don't know if it is the toll of the weather,or the consequence of whatever medicine i'm currently chugging.i'm dying of heat ever since i had the flu.on one hand it's such a dread to bathe and aggravate my cold,but on the other i'm finding myself sweating it out in my room for God knows what reason.maybe my aircon is spoilt.but who the hell feels hot in aircon in the first place?

it's august now.august in the northern hemisphere is the time of summer,whereas in the southern hemisphere it's winter because now the sun is over the tropic of cancer.it's the summer solstice! but then again Singapore's kinda at the equator so i'm not sure what difference it's all making.the equinox isn even here till late september,too.bah,geography.

nothing special today,or yesterday,or yesterday's yesterday.spent about 5 hours sitting in the balcony battling the heat of both the sun and the mighty slow printer trying to compile whatever the teachers had graciously left on blackboard for whoever,whatever,hardworking soul to download and work on.papers,papers,papers.i swear i could have printed over 200 pages worth of geog (especially geog!!) and lit.if this doesn't get me my A (which i'm totally banging for),i don't know what will (i could have saved all that paper!!).

ah well,i'm quite unproductive this week.not too bad progress but there's still so much stuff to be done.i'm up to my neck in paper (omg.) strewn around the room,not to mention all the carefully filed paper (omg.) in the many many files quietly waiting for me on the extra bed.how they beckon to my weary soul! (omg.)

speak of weary souls,i couldn't go to church today (sorry es HAHA.i felt only minutely guilty.) because of this progressive flu thing.i'm not sure if progressive means getting better or worse because in this context,i feel much worse having to cough every few minutes like i'm dying of TB or something,but then again the cough should be the last lap of a flu,right? i promptly fell asleep after trying to read the last part of market structure stuff.for 4 hours.and i'm off to bed in any moment,again.i am such a hero.

school's starting in 1 day and ending in 2 weeks.the prelims are that near.my hair can practically catch fire being so close.that is,if i haven't already pulled out all my hair trying to read through microecons (yet again) and worrying about all the complex and correlation tutorials i have yet to do (hooray!),plus all the human geog readings i have yet to start revising.i have relapsed into being a study freak!i can't even hold a decent conversation with anyone unless it's about 1. prelims or specifically, A levels 2. (i just typed 3,what is happening to me!) how sick i am,both of studying,and also really sick 3. my quickly diminishing social life,which,i quote myself "i can't hold a decent conversation with anyone",would leave me with no "anyone" to talk to anyway.

as irony would have it,this post makes me sound so interesting,doesn't it.

laughs cynically before cooking up another coughing fit.

the world goes on turning without me

Reaching out, looking for some way to escape the crowd
You whispered words that I've been searching for
Somehow you answered my call
Reaching out I feel I'm rising up

You give me grace
In a world that doesn't sleep at all
You give me grace
It's a place I've never been before
You give me grace
And in all of the confusion you're the peace in my soul
That's why I will never really be alone

grace by simon webbe

i spent today living microecons once more.last year's R paper experience just rushes back i tell you.maybe it's a good thing.i just read.memorizing anything felt like i was going to be re-recording stuff already in my head.now i'm just incoherent because i've got a crazy cough,and i'm starting to sneeze through half-closed eyes.

goodnight.

the plot thickens

or rather,my sickness thickens.rather aptly,because i'm having a cold and haven't stopped blowing my nose and feeling sick and sorry for the past 48 hours.i am thoroughly,if not to the point of pissed off,annoyed.

while the selfish world races ahead on the glorious wings of time,i have been strapped to my bed or armchair because my body refuses to yield to my mind and just study.i can't.i couldn't.i tried pressing on,or as my mum put it,dragging myself through another morning of WORK WORK WORK,but something in me snapped and i found myself back in bed feeling sick and sorry.and promptly fell asleep.and for the rest of the day,mind you.

oh how fatal!

speaking of fatal,my condolences to aaron and bryan chan for losing their dad mr chan 2 days ago.i'm very very sad for them.and equally angry that i can't go for the wake because i can barely move out of my room without leaving a trail of tissues behind me.i really want to.but take heart,he's with the Lord!though if it were my own dad,i'll be completely unfunctional for a very long time.i'm so sorry you guys. :(

ok now i have to go back to attempting to save my studies from lagging behind the rest of VJ despite my wishes to just sit in bed and wait for my cold to go away.i will never try bathing at 3 a.m. in the morning ever again.but i don't think i'm stopping my 'sleep-earlier-wake-up-earlier' regime just yet. :

sigh.life is..nevermind.

nevermind is a good excuse for everything you wish were never on your mind.

toodles.

the life of david

i think it's just ultimately beyond cool how david's life unfolded.born to be king.i mean seriously,the only thing i appear to currently be would be lion king.as mr josef would aptly put it.

i knew God would pull through in the end.i had such a good time at FOP,i actually made it!(: time to focus on what my heart wanted.scarily what it really wanted then,was for me to make a lasting spiritual impact on my classmates and school friends before i leave VJ.a greater desperation than to get 4As.but i don't know.i really want to seek God's heart,His love for the people i love.it's tremendous.it's urgent.

but A's..how then?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.

Voila.