getting over you.

even if it takes forever
i get my shit together
yes dear
i'm getting over you.

thought that was a pretty neat line from the click five.though i just spoke to kahpoh about something similar and i concluded out loud that i will be happy to never blow out the tiny candle that i still have burning somewhere in me for you.

am dead tired.

an empty life.

everybody else is having their last flings before school restarts,and once again i have found myself sitting aimlessly and half pondering what life is about instead of having some fun myself.i thought i missed school last week when i was bored and depressed.but now that i finished SMASH stuff with robyn last night and managed to get started with the BTT book,everything seems to be sinking into dread and purposeless wondering all over again.i don't even want to go back to school.i think i'm just really tired of living.it's another depressing night with an even more pathetic dinner.

christmas reds greens and blues.

i've been feeling quite down over the past few days.a variety of factors really.plus i'm stressed out by smash and stuff that's been happening over the past few days.a lot of negative energy dampening my spirits.when people close to you are visibly unhappy,when the things you used to keep you feeling alive are pretty much gone..when you see other people being happy,like fairytales playing along unaffected outside your window,how do i not sit here lonely and on the brink of miserable?

there is no christmas mood for me this year.i didn't get anyone presents,so please don't be disappointed.i just don't know what to do for people anymore.i used to be so excited and full of ideas and hopes of proving how thoughtful i could be with gift choices,but my melancholic state is doing any good for me this holiday season.

alot of unusual problems and situations are plaguing my life right now.unwelcome ones too.the kind of things that you just want to sweep out the door and pretend they never existed.death,hatred,sickness,true loneliness.who wants to deal with issues related to these? we all love to complain and philosophize about life,love,mystery..neglect the blessing of health,fancy ourselves pitiful and dramatic.all that jazz..people like TC remind me that i really am lame.because i sure do sound pretty lame,looking back at how frivolous my imagination can be.

yet i don't know what else makes my world spin,being the way i tend to be.looking at the lost state i am in,i'm really not sure what else i thrive on besides the silly pitiful things in an unrealistic perception of life.

but i,

finally finished buliangxiaohua! not bad at all.fairytale sweet as usual.i've been examining my own life however.it's strangely unstable,as much as i try to take control.perhaps it's because all my confidantes are too busy enjoying the holidays.don't really know what i can say here actually.sometimes i feel as though this space of mine has been invaded by people i wish had no idea about my personal life.thus i'm going to privatise this blog.i remember reading someone else's remark..that as you grow older you start regretting being so open.i'm turning 20 in half a year's time.i'm no longer a young hopeful child waiting to be heard.it's time to be exclusively my own.

a life in love with You.

freely You gave it all for us

surrendered Your life upon that cross
great is the love poured out for all
this is our God
lifted on high from death to life
forever our God is glorified
servant and King, rescued the world
this is our God

next week's schedule.

next week is surprisingly busy! now that im not sick or have stuff like episcleritis in my eyes..or severe addictions to taiwanese dramas..i am finally getting OUT THERE.fb is going to have MORE PHOTOS finally!!(:

this is my schedule.so that whoever wants to grab some time can grab at the right time.

15th/monday: ben's christmas day with 大姐! (:
brunch @ yongtaufoo place 11-12
pasarmalam @ tampines 1-2, meet trinette
more shopping @ city plaza 2-3
food hunt @ geylang 3-5

16th/tuesday: currently free in the afternoon if not feeling hardworking
go down to settle driving @ ubi 10 30, with swan
very possibly do SMASH homework @ home
OR supposed to go out with steph @ somewhere at sometime
FC meeting @ church 7 30-late

17th/wednesday: shop and buy cake!
shopping madness @ bugis, with trinette
blading @ ecp with swan/huey/steph?

18th/thursday: pa's birthday!!
may want to watch the sunrise together @ ecp
go eat carrot cake/prata @ katong
go back to sleep @ home
high tea @ some fancy place
family time @ home
watch movie @ late night

19th/friday: mum's birthday!!
christmas shopping @ town, whole day

20th/saturday: otherwise relatively free
christmas play @ church 4-7 (who wants to go?)
supper @ nearby with whoever goes with me

21st/sunday: another christmas party to host
morning service @ church
class christmas dinner @ home

rowena flores, take your pick baby.

天天对你说我有多爱你!

romantic wedding afternoon.

surprisingly nice photograph outside the church.

my absolute favorite photograph.

strangely interesting picture.

with the decorated banisters.

my future maid of honor. (:

the girl on skates returns.

emotional,says huey.

had fun with huey,swan and royce (:

better than going blind.

"Episcleritis is an inflammatory condition of the connective tissue between the conjunctiva and sclera known as the episclera.  The eye's red appearance makes it look similar to conjunctivitis, or pink eye, but there is no discharge or tearing.  It is a relatively benign condition that has few complications and is usually self-limited. It usually has no apparent cause and is more common in women."

looks like im not going blind after all.but it's back to glasses for the next few days..and the christmas parties are just starting.i shan't complain so much though.to be able to see and have beautiful eyes is already something to be thankful for. (: thank God for taking away the redness too.off to rest my eyes now!!

my eyes hurt.

gossip girl.bu liang xiao hua.damn long email writing.my eyes really hurt now.going to sleep already.hope i can sleep in a bit longer tomorrow.wonder what is happening with wonder's reunion.i also think that steph is returning tomorrow.thus i await with great anticipation.swan is also free to meet me.looks like there will be an a14 reunion this friday.amazing.i can't wait. (: sam is also back from US next week.david is also back from egypt.more bu liang xiao hua.more xiao niang re.better go sleep now because tomorrow will be better. [:

the morning after.

i'm suddenly afraid of meeting people.especially after what i did to my hair.i regret yet i don't regret.i did hate the messiness of my mad hair,but at the same time..i kinda miss it now that my hair's all neat and possibly unflattering.here's an excerpt of my email to zwing this morning.

"i'm not so sure if neat hair is the thing for me.i feel so super mild now too.like my own force of character has somehow disappeared behind a cloak of straight hair.the whole demure look is not working to my advantage when it comes to assertion of self.sigh.HOW."

cham ah.i HAD to do it.yet now that it's kinda permanent for the time being..i'm not sure if this is what i want.aiyo.TWO reunions this week too..dearest wonderline is planning our 4PR gathering for *gasp* this wednesday..and i've somehow managed to gather the class for my *gasp* cell christmas party this friday..and i have to meet clement and robyn tomorrow for FC meeting omg!!! CHAM AH.really CHAM AH! now i have to deal with even more comments about my hair and this and that and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i've brought this upon myself.i don't want my old hair back.but i don't really love this new hair EITHER.怎么办呢!?!?!

but one thing to be happy about is that the 不良笑花 show is damn funny.both dean fujioka (i think) and pan weibo are like 超帅.i don't care how piangster i've become.我太爱他们了!! i also have a thing for yang cheng lin.it's scary but true.as annoying and act cute as she is..she actually really is quite endearing.okay enough taiwan talk.i keep speaking chinese nowadays too.this should have occurred 2 years ago during my chinese A level oral.sadly it didn't and i still remember talking crap to the examiners.from distinction in O levels to merit leh (or was it pass..).my tongue will never get used to chinese la.

okay it's like 2.30 now.need to sleep so that i can face the rest of the week.better brave and awake than discouraged and exhausted. :|

ta. [:

friday night lights.

am going to finish ISWAK tonight.so that i FASTER get started with ISWAK TWO which i heard is so much better.omg.if only i had known they'd spend the entire 20 episodes playing hard to get.i would have just started with season 2 instead of painfully witnessing joe cheng's extremely stoned out character being cold to ariel lin's cute but really dumbass one.wth la.it's beyond unrealistic can.i cannot believe they GOT MARRIED by the end of that really shitty courtship.ugh.but at least they have something to think about.i on the other hand,am not so blissfully alone on a friday night,having spent a morning with a distracted rachel ho and once again going solo for lunch,going home to be pretty much left to my ISWAK,aiya just hanging around by myself.i never really feel bored doing it,but whenever i'm loading something to watch i do feel the sianness of it all.wait so long.i bet everybody is outside having a life whilst i'm inside fighting a cold and wondering if the mosquito bite i picked up today is going to give me dengue.oh gosh.

holidays are pretty sad indeed.

now i can relate to david archuleta.

Do you catch your breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do?
超帅! (:

breakfast at rachel's.

i finally made it out of the house today thanks to ms tan huishuang.i'm really tired out now,after exploring haji lane and ending up back in town by mid-afternoon.may go sleep now so that i can wake up early to find rachel in the morning.perhaps life is returning to normal.or that i'm forcing myself to not be so lazy because she's flying off on 6th and not coming back till almost a month later or something.i'm going to miss her...not that i see her so often.but she's my bestfriend.i love her and will put in the extra effort to get out of the house to see her.

i really like the david archuleta song (thanks lucas!!).i don't even know why.i don't relate to it at all.but the tunes so addictive haha.

going away-ay-ay-ayee-ay.like all my friends.i miss zwing,sam,david and rachel already.

but i will make next week fun,just to enjoy the holidays a bit.

monday: do hair? with hs and trin.
tuesday: robyn's faraway house! with clement and rubez.
wednesday: more FC stuff.
thursday: prepare for cell party.
friday: cell party!
saturday: john's wedding
sunday: either flea market with hs or yc carnival.

i dare you to move like today never happened.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself
Where you gonna go
Where you gonna go
Salvation is here

i am mad.

i'm so incredibly proud of my latest secret blog post that i just have to beautify this blog with a bit of whatever can be shown.going to have an early night otherwise(: church tomorrow!

enjoy.

"This represented...a seismic shift once again in the way he viewed her. It was time for her to go. And, more importantly, it was time for him to stop loving her. He just wished someone could show him how."

i should be sleeping soon if i want to get sufficient rest for tonight.borrowed 8 books from the library to keep me happy and reading for the next 3 weeks or so till christmas.falling sick for sure,throat feels odd,like a wind is passing through,bringing something like a cold along with it.very soon.just hope it isn't serious.but i had to miss tonight's lowest key event.the one i had been looking forward to.there goes yet another chance to pull an all-nighter with my friends.but i'm not young anymore i guess,no more testing my limits.no more supply of peers to hang out with through the night,to talk deep to.

whatever it is,i am growing old.today in the library i felt awkward heading straight for the adult section,since i never used to do so.adult fiction never interested me too much.teenage fiction was safe,cutesy,simple.but when i tried going upstairs to look for a 'young adult' book,i realized that looking for a truly mature yet unexplicit book was going to be a massive task.it's either this or that.i couldn't take stories about 13-16 years olds anymore..but at the same time i still hate stories about married/divorced people (with kids).i really hate stories about grownups with their own families.there should be a corner for people like me,no longer juvenile,but not ready to face the realities of being an adult.i'm 19.i'm at the crossroads of my life.i need stuff to make me think and agree with,yet stuff that challenges my thinking just enough,not blows my mind.

i just told rachel.now i have to read stories about people who are unmarried,without kids,and are lonely.just like me really.perfect.

last night i was so preoccupied chatting that everything profound in my silly little mind more or less diffused into nothingness,or went to hide cleverly in the least bothered corners of my brain...

how do i cure this loneliness? i know it is there no matter how busy i am.no matter how cynical i am...i know i am lonely.but the world's cure to loneliness just doesn't appeal to me.get attached.be emotionally dependent...this can't be all there is to it,can it.

...i don't want anything more from them.i don't want the cure of relationship.i appear to want to live like this forever,problem and solution parallel,never meeting.i am lonely,but i don't want the cure.

why?

...love is wretched thing.not meant for complicated,dramatic,fragile people like me.with me love is intense,frustrating,challenging,insane...exhausting.my love seems to erode the human soul,tear down even the strongest man,render even the wisest tongue silent.i am a force of nature.like the wind,ever-changing,sometimes still and non-existent,at other times raging like an uncontrollable tempest.i hurt people in the process of trying to be with them.

perhaps i am meant to be alone.

goodnight,my darlings.

a case of heroes.

going to sleep already,but cannot wait to watch episode 10 of the embarrassing WHY WHY LOVE tomorrow.what can i say,it's really cute and romantic!!exactly what i'm a sucker for.

slack is the new black.i seem to be very good at doing nothing at all.also hanging out with sam tmr,probably at siglap since he lives there,and i may want to eat the yongtaufoo again :P actually wanted to have lunch with ben,but both my brothers seem to be incredibly good at not being at home.besides that,i'm also too lazy to get out of the house otherwise.

i'm kinda incoherent now because my brain's gone stupid from all the WHY WHY LOVE nonsense,but i was really sad just now when the internet died.i don't know if i was being all dramatic again,thus i did try to control it and not like tell a million people about my supposed misery..but it did make me think and feel of a lot of things.supper with MJ last night reminded me that we have a head to think and a heart to feel,so we shouldn't keep trying to do neither in fear of being hurt or getting complicated.i'm a thinker,a feeler,an expresser.sometimes i guess being so intense does hurt the people around me.because whilst i'm good at flying into a dramatic whirlwind and quickly returning to normal,my family and friends can't take so many shocks and don't recover quite so quickly from my instability.i'm a hazard,really.

i can't and shouldn't complain about not having a hero to willingly come and listen to whatever i decide should burden my heart,but at the same time i'm not sure if such a person even exists besides God.my true hero who always saves the day.today when i was sad i thought about why i didn't have a hero,and felt very lonely,yet it wasn't so much a question of lament as it was a self-reflective thing.i don't actually want anyone to bother about me and my crap,i don't want to hurt any more people with my tempestuous behavior.i change my mind fast about relationships,i make harsh decisions about them,i have some really whacked out concepts about how to deal with them..MJ does marvel at the amount of philosophy i churn out about friendship.sigh.i need to feel in control when it comes to such unpredictable things.i don't like the feeling of being tossed to and fro wherever the tide may turn.i'm a fighter.

fighter.thinker.feeler.

it's best not to come too close.

things to think about.

1. christmas presents

2. december schedule
3. parties to hold
4. goals for next year
5. clearing away term 1 stuff
6. doing hair
7. christmas clothes
8. rain & rach
9. all the love and pain in the world
10. you

don't know why i do.

can't you tell that I'm terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied
by you?

anyway,

i am going to sleep as soon as i finish blogging.today was friday,my little nyonya drama has not started,and therefore my expectations of having at least one thing to look forward to were crushed at precisely 9 pm and my week has been nothing but a mindless cycle of reading tons of biz law material,trying not to get distracted,memorizing a million facts about remedies and vitiating factors and the ever annoying torts,fighting to concentrate and not sleep (which was rather futile at first),hating twc,forcing myself to stop msn-ing/facebooking/msg-ing instead of reading the criminally boring twc notes (which was rather futile throughout),planning my study schedule and surprisingly keeping quite on track..in conclusion,the week was half holiday,half concentration camp.i do hope it's meant to be that way,or i'm kinda screwed for my exams,which start on monday (dread dread dread) and end of wednesday 11 am (i insist on being so precise, since it's such a lovely occurence for it to end BEFORE THE AFTERNOON).ohhhmygosh.and my little nyonya show starts on tuesday!which is gossip girl day!JOY!

okay actually i wanted to blog about the people who are my legacy since i was talking to steph about it today but i'm in no disposition currently to sound affectionate and convicted about my wonderful friends because i'm falling asleep.i will make a list,however,so that i can talk about them next time.

1. rachel
2. david
3. steph
4. trinette olive low

conditional acceptance,for some reason,

4. swan
5. hot sam
6. zwing
7. chook
8. robyn

on waiting list,

8. bimbo tan hs

there's actually alot more that i can think of now but where's the exclusivity in that ;)

email.

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about God. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the mum, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, 'Does anyone know who this is?' In response the little girl said, 'I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died.'

I don't know whether the story's true or not, but it sure is touching. And I totally believe in Jesus.

to our many years of love,baby

i know you love cheesy.that's why you are my reason.

a masked affair.

masquerade
paper faces on parade

And I'm
Screaming into the dark
Searching for an answer
Where do I go from here
And I'm standing still
But I can't catch my breath
Or running fast as I can
But going nowhere
Where do I go from here

-marie digby-

soirée*(:

TBL's annual Christmas party is coming, and a lot of you are invited.

*soirée |swa-reh| an evening party or gathering, typically in a private house, for conversation or music.

the tort of nothing makes me something.

today was quite a successful day of biz law mugging.i am going round in circles with torts,remedies,damages,vitiating factors in my desperation to learn all the new stuff.i also think i have forgotten all the pre-midterms stuff.have 7 days to somehow wing it by monday's exam.cannot wait to be done with that.and twc of course,which is a whole lot more boring but not as stressful.not that biz law itself is not kinda sian.

okay my brain is done with words like ab initio/restitutio in integrum/non est factum/ex parte/prima facie ect cetera ect cetera.i cannot bring myself to read my misrepresentation or torts notes.

i should go to sleep or something.

domokunnnn!(:

who you are to me

i know i haven't been talking to you very much,or reading your letters.i go about my day thinking about alot of things,but i don't really think about you.i know i haven't been meeting up with you or our friends too often,and in fact i dread it quite a bit because you always arrange meetings so early in the morning when i want to just sleep in.we've had such a history together,sometimes i take you for granted knowing you'll always be there for me.all i have to do is call and ask.you'll do anything for me.i know i'm such a bad friend to you.talking to everyone else,assuming you know everything.assuming whatever i have to say is not of any importance to you.i neglect you,put you aside,let you do your own thing whilst i do mine.i message you once or twice a day,telling you i still love you,still need you.yet i never call to talk properly,never set aside time to prove that you mean anything to me.although you do.you are in the deepest corners of my mind,because no matter how busy i am,no matter how far i fall apart from you,what you did for me will never cease to be of such great magnitude.i'm not a fantastic friend i know.i ought to live eternally indebted to you.but i don't act as though i am alive only because of you.you are the sun that shines upon me,the rain that cools my day,the unfailing friend who waits for me day and night.your love is beautiful,unconditional and amazing.you never give up on me,and even though i treat you like you're dispensable you still answer my calls when i'm desperate or miserable.you embrace me for who i am in everlasting love even if all i deserve is a slap across my face for my insolence and disrespect for you.the others will tell you not to take me back for all that i have done that speaks contempt of you,but you silence them,reaching out a hand to me and asking me to come.to put all my hurts and wrongs down and find forgiveness,to leave the life i regret behind and just come back home to you.in you i will find my rest,my peace,and all the love that i have been looking for.then everything i've been questioning will make sense.everything i've wanted to know,you will tell me,and i will finally listen and hear your still small voice.

don't speak.

am utterly exhausted.no more ltb journal! just have to finish the CSP portfolio thing tomorrow,edit acad writing essay,and i'm FREE to mug!

was also getting a bit miffed talking about certain things with TC.the same feelings of indignation and anger at predestination welling up inside.i don't think i trust God very much these days.i'm evidently not showing any trust,for starters.i can't find that peace in me to say,i trust God knows what i desire.or at least i can't say it without suspecting he may have some sort of funny plan that makes me change my mind about certain things and end up accepting stuff i really do not desire.which sounds stupid and completely ungodly.but i can't help but think that he's capable of it.it's just scary to think about the possibilities.this is all TC's fault.which boils down to it being my fault.

argh.life is so full of shit! i'm like both happy and upset all at the same time.over different issues.ugh.stupid!stupid stupid stupid!!!

i am so full of shit too.hrrmpph.

i'm suddenly confused over what i want from life.besides to not remain as the pathetic loser i am now.

you really ought to hear about what my REAL life is all about.when i remove all the glamour from daily rantings,i'm a fool.a fool with some very idiotic acquaintances and circumstances.

i roll my eyes at everything lame.

no thanks.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

who we are.

some of us are young and learning.loving.hoping.dealing with.being sad.feeling things you've never felt about someone.some of us are just living for that moment,to just catch a glimpse of that one person in that one place.to muster up the courage to walk over and say hello,i could love you one day.some of us are hiding our emotions,refusing to give them the time of day,dismissing that emptiness as completely lame and unimportant.when deep inside you know who you're missing.some of us are haunted by the past and just want to move on,want to make a clean break.but meet people who remind us of those we are hoping to forget,and are scared to make the mistakes we made again.some of us are relearning love,laughing and leaning,tilting,falling.staring into each other's gaze and on one side, at least, there's dying inhibitions.some of us are growing closer,finding unexpected friendship,realizing that the other isn't so bad.some of us are delusional,silly,fools in waiting,not knowing that the time has passed and will never return.some of us realize it,some of us don't.some of us are discovering other worlds,venturing,daring and moving in circles we never thought we'd see ourselves in.some of us have lost ourselves in the wild crowd,in the midst of liquor and music.some of us have forgotten God,or at least haven't bothered keeping in touch as much as before.some of us feel bad,some of us don't.some of us are so caught up with our own lives,meeting the demands of others,filling our time with mindless activities.it's a mess and it's complicated.we want out but the exits are missing.either we have no life,or this is life.some of us are tired and moody,avoiding the questions on where we have been,leaving who we once were behind,unanswered for.suddenly i am horribly afraid of who we have become.

www.handwritingwizard.com

Joanne is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Joanne will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Joanne an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Joanne is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Joanne is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Joanne doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Joanne will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Joanne's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Joanne slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Joanne can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Joanne is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Joanne basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Joanne is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

autumn passing.

if you'd meet me halfway,
if you would meet me halfway
it could be the same for you

all these days i've been with you
you've never been with me
life is turning grey and white
the leaves have fallen off the tree

though i've tried to keep it strong
and say that i'm alright
i chose the path less traveled
now you waste my day and night

autumn's passing, summer's gone
the sky's a dying blue
yes, i want to be alone but
i always cheat on myself with you.

oh how you bring tears to my eyes because you remind me of what i have been doing to myself.do i really live out my rejection by putting myself in positions whereby i am always kept at arm's length or carelessly pushed away - because this is how i expect to be treated? has this cruelty become a habit and a self-inflicted punishment for the incompetence i feel? do i gawk at the kindness the others show to me and repel myself from such grace because i do not believe i deserve it? i watched the nanny and listened to her shrink tell her that the other day,and it dawned on me that i too am putting myself in the place of least unconditional love and acceptance.i have been running from it my whole life.

sunkissed.

am i living the consequences of your rejection of me?

it's never gonna be that simple.

i wasted a weekend.or at least a day.so restless.omg.cannot do nothing.feel like i've got tons to do.so although i'm completing some work,as long as i'm not up to my neck and drowning in work,i feel so emptied out and wayward.sigh.don't know why i'm this waste-time these few days ever since workload lightened a bit.like,trying to emancipate myself yet feeling completely awkward doing so.

have i changed? for the worse? neutral? just changed? no longer open and vulnerable and spontaneous and hopeful? but instead hardened,protective,guarded,wary and cynical?

there's never a right time to say goodbye
but i gotta make the first move
cause if i don't you're gonna start hating me
cause i really don't feel the way i once felt about you
it's not you it's me
gotta figure out what i need
there's never a right time to say goodbye
but we know that we gotta go our separate ways
and i know it's hard but i gotta do it
and it's killing me
cause there's never a right time to say goodbye

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

omg i knew we had a lot more things in common than i suspected we did.

i heart autumn boy.

we grow up
we smash things
spring summer autumn winter
we love each other
we regret each other
truth beauty freedom love
we remember stuff
we pretend to forget stuff
matthew mark luke john
we get together
we break up
attraction selection compassion hate
summer delusion
summer's gone
i.heart.autumn.boy.

(:

under the bed is where it'll stay

life is great.only AS/CT presentations left,and AS exam on sunday.i will perhaps study for that tmr.but today was possibly the best day of 2 weeks.finished up acad last night,watched whose line till 4,woke comfortably up at 12,got fetched to the beach at 2 plus,had lagoon food for brunch/tea,took many happy beach photos with the ltb group minus alex and xt,came back,did devotion,fell asleep till 7,had mum's fantastic laksa,had bible devotion with family which means tomorrow i'm free to go for class gathering,played on facebook,watched 2 hours worth of top model...omg.life is awesome.now am skyping zwing and finally seeing her in like a whole month.

there's this sense of really transitioning into my new life.like really finally understanding and coming to terms with this is who i am as a university student.no longer as clueless as before,2 months ago when all this madness started,but still learning.but it's a habit.it's a lifestyle.i may not love the work i have to contend with,but i'm loving everything else. (:

with new beginnings comes new ends.some of you have heard my contentions earlier this week.nothing that i can really mention explicitly here,but somehow i've come to this point of wreckoning.like,i'm not sure what exactly is going on inside of me that's creating so much havoc and flippant behavior,but something's happening.i don't know.i'm like,moving on so fast it scares me to see how far i've been flung in a matter of a few weeks.i guess i'm either still really immature,or way too mature to bother about things that keep messing me up.it could be my mother's influence.i don't know.it could be huishuang.i still don't know.then again,it could just be me.erratic.unpredictable.dramatic.indifferent.it could be hahaha some-of-you-know-who.i have no idea.

i think this calls for the secret blog.toodles.muah.

how do you sing a one way love song

memory still seems to love you.she sees you the way you used to look.she paints dreams of you the only way she learnt how to.when she thinks about you,she remembers first your eyes,then your hair,then your smile.she has never admitted to loving another but you and you always.nobody else continued to make sense.nobody else who walked with her made a difference.no one made her sob that way.no one else could.

memory compares the girl you finally chose to the girl she'd waited to show up to claim you years ago.memory doesn't know why things had to be that way then,the way they are now.memory doesn't know why you had to leave her behind.memory wouldn't be memory if you hadn't.she would just be empty history,her footsteps ending where you made her your destiny.memory wants to know why you didn't.

but of all the things memory does know,she definitely knows you never loved her no matter what seemed to give you away.

my busy week carries on without a care.

i heart straight hair.

that's enough. (:

hi to stalker.

thanks paul(:

really relay games.

my mind is foggy and i'm full and sleepy.but i will get nightmares if i sleep now before i finish sufficiently digesting my food.sigh.i'm supposed to do relay games i know.am also the last person to hand in the stuff to eliz.argh.today was a day off from work (relatively).had a pretty nice sweet time with the CT dears,as stelly will call us.

anyway.am so tired i can't think.but i just wanted to say hi to all those who stalk my blog. (PAUL TAG OUR PICTURES ON FB!!!!)

hello!!!!!!

and good night.

damn pain!

writing acad essay number 2 was a horrible experience.it is emblazoned in my mind! it is carved upon my being! oh my gosh! deliver me! DELIVER ME FROM THE EDITING I HAVE TO DO TOMORROW AND SUNDAY!

most of all,DELIVER ME FROM THEBIZLAWESSAYTHELTBJOURNALTHEASFALLACYRESEARCHTHETWCMEETINGTHECTMEETINGTHEBIZLAWMAKEUPCLASSTHELTBWORK.

gah.work work work.even when next next week rolls around i'll be mugging my poor un-business-law-ish ass off for the sake of passing the midterms in week 9,where i have TWC/AS/CT/LTB/AW presentations i heard.very wth-ish.that is 5 presentations and ONE MAJORLY DIFFICULT EXAM.

how can they bear to do this to me?! i mean seriously! how?! how!?

HOW!??!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?

adapted from psalms 18.

I LOVE YOU, O LORD, MY STRENGTH.
THE LORD IS MY ROCK, MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER;
MY GOD IS MY ROCK, IN WHOM I TAKE REFUGE.
HE IS MY SHIELD...MY SALVATION, MY STRONGHOLD...
I AM SAVED FROM MY ENEMIES...
IN MY DISTRESS I CALLED TO THE LORD;
I CRIED TO MY GOD FOR HELP.
FROM HIS TEMPLE HE HEARD MY VOICE;
MY CRY CAME BEFORE HIM, INTO HIS EARS...
THE LORD THUNDERED FROM HEAVEN;
THE VOICE OF THE MOST HIGH RESOUNDED.
HE SHOT HIS ARROWS AND SCATTERED THE ENEMIES,
GREAT BOTLS OF LIGHTNING AND ROUTED THEM...
HE REACHED DOWN FROM ON HIGH AND TOOK HOLD OF ME;
HE DREW ME OUT OF DEEP WATERS.
HE RESCUED ME FROM MY POWERFUL ENEMY,
FROM MY FOES, WHO WERE TOO STRONG FOR ME.
THEY CONFRONTED ME IN THE DAY OF MY DISASTER,
BUT THE LORD WAS MY SUPPORT...
HE RESCUED ME BECAUSE HE DELIGHTED IN ME.
THE LORD DEALT WITH ME ACCORDING TO MY RIGHTEOUSNESS;
ACCORDING TO THE CLEANNESS OF MY HANDS HE HAS REWARDED ME.
FOR I HAVE KEPT THE WAYS OF THE LORD;
I HAVE NOT DONE EVIL BY TURNING FROM MY GOD...
AND HAVE KEPT MYSELF FROM SIN...
TO THE FAITHFUL YOU SHOW YOURSELF FAITHFUL,
TO THE BLAMELESS YOU SHOW YOURSELF BLAMELESS,
TO THE PURE YOU SHOW YOURSELF PURE...
YOU SAVE THE HUMBLE
BUT BRING LOW THOSE WHOSE EYES ARE HAUGHTY.
YOU, O LORD, KEEP MY LAMP BURNING;
MY GOD TURNS MY DARKNESS INTO LIGHT.
WITH YOUR HELP I CAN ADVANCE AGAINST A TROOP,
WITH MY GOD I CAN SCALE A WALL.
AS FOR GOD, HIS WAY IS PERFECT;
THE WORD OF THE LORD IS FLAWLESS.
HE IS A SHIELD
FOR ALL WHO TAKE REFUGE IN HIM.
FOR WHO IS GOD BESIDES OUR LORD?
AND WHO IS THE ROCK EXCEPT OUR GOD?
IT IS GOD WHO ARMS ME WITH STRENGTH
AND MAKES MY WAY PERFECT...
HE ENABLES ME TO STAND ON THE HEIGHTS...
YOU GIVE ME YOUR SHIELD OF VICTORY,
AND YOUR RIGHT HAND SUSTAINS ME;
YOU STOOP DOWN TO MAKE ME GREAT...
YOU HAVE ARMED ME WITH STRENGTH FOR BATTLE...
YOU HAVE DELIVERED ME...
THE LORD LIVES! PRAISE BE TO MY ROCK!...
HE IS THE GOD WHO AVENGES ME...
THEREFORE I WILL PRAISE YOU AMONG THE NATIONS, O LORD;
I WILL SING PRAISES TO YOUR NAME.
HE GIVES HIS KING GREAT VICTORIES;
HE SHOWS HIS UNFAILING KINDNESS TO HIS ANOINTED, TO...
HIS DESCENDANTS FOREVER.

CHAPTER 17!!!

TURN TO ME AND BE GRACIOUS TO ME,
FOR I AM LONELY AND AFFLICTED.
THE TROUBLES OF MY HEART HAVE MULTIPLIED;
FREE ME FROM MY ANGUISH!!!
LOOK UPON MY AFFLICTION AND MY DISTRESS
AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY SINS.
SEE HOW MY ENEMIES HAVE INCREASED
AND HOW FIERCELY THEY WANT ME TO FAIL!
GUARD MY LIFE AND RESCUE ME;
LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME,
FOR I TAKE REFUGE IN YOU.
MAY INTEGRITY AND UPRIGHTNESS PROTECT ME,
BECAUSE MY HOPE IS IN YOU.

REDEEM ME, O GOD,
FROM ALL MY TROUBLES!

adapted from Psalms 25:16-22

maybe i'm having a muscle cramp

my life is very unglam.there is such a lack of variety.where is the slacking.where is the sitting around laughing my head off with my crazy friends.where are my crazy friends..where has my youth gone.my life is pathetic.pathetically busy.my shoulders are feeling really tense now man.i'm not even doing any work.it must be the overusage of the computer that's keeping my hands on the table and fingers moving all the time.this sucks.i want a break.

what sucks even more is that the worst is yet to come.the work is snowballing,in trinette's terms.i am drowning.i am being eaten alive.i am being flattened by an avalanche of presentations,assignments and expectations.

why do so many people however,look as though they're enjoying life like never before? why am i such a loser?!

oh the horror the horror.

thank God for huishuang,stepho and olive though.tauhuay tonight was a good time in a long time.(:

i love my beauty queen!

very very much.

Today I am pretending
that the sky is bright blue
& my mind is light and clear
without you

When deep inside me
the weather is dark & gray
though "I don't love you"
is all that I say

but take a closer look
you'll know my words aren't true
underneath all this pretense
I still do.

life put itself wrongly back together.

dear soul,

i wanted to tell you today that you don't have to be afraid of losing me anymore.

because you've already done so.

no longer yours,
jonk.

maybe life this time won't.maybe i don't want this kind of life.

somehow life all around me as i knew it and thought i knew it is spiraling away from me faster than i can say 'no thanks' to it and the way it's turning out.why's everyone i used to live believing were just the way i was turning out to be very different from anything i could have possibly imagined them being? why am i increasingly not recognizing the life that i live in now?

am i being left behind? set apart? where do i stand in all this?

i'm bombarded with ideas and concepts that today make me feel more like a stranger in my own shoes than a self-actualized/empowered individual.a few of you will know i've been having problems of my own these few days.as i just told claudia,i'm not sure if i'm really this calm and unfeeling towards the whole issue,or if i'm just controlling the tears somewhere inside.i'm not so sure of who i am anymore.i can't pintpoint my exact feelings.i don't know if i'm angry or sad or indifferent.

reading timmo's blog for possibly the first time ever (properly) made me realize that there are alot of people in my life whom i wish i knew better than MSN-based-knowledge.so many people i've made friends with have incredibly interesting stories to tell.life is truly beginning for me at SMU now.there's so many amazing stories out there for me to hear.

sigh.i don't know what to say.

thanks claud<3.

in a few days

i love how the love of my life writes about the most foul and usually un-talked-about activities in one's daily life. (i.e. unfortunate visits to public toilets) i have never been that cracked up listening to darryl's high amused narration of the explicitly disgusting blog of my said love.

okay nicky is making too much noise outside on the drums which are preventing me from waxing more lyrical.mother is also calling me down to mash potatoes.be right back.

figuring the guy who saved me out

what alex (very enthusiastic and friendly ltb member) says is right.i can feel the fibres in me tingling to just get out there and do something.let off some steam.it's either i'm too exhausted from pulling late nights and all day activities or i've gone into autopilot.what a tiring first week.i am spent.uni is exciting yet frightening all at the same time.

circumstances have forced me to sit down and take a good hard look at my faith these few days.quite a few of us are trying to get back in touch with God,especially in this difficult new life we're all forced into.what a journey it's going to be.it's like i'm pushing off from the shore and wading into deeper waters.i want to walk on water with Jesus,but i don't even know where He's taking me.as i've said,it's exciting and frightening.so many new experiences this year,so many new convictions.what a rollercoaster ride for so many of us!

i was talking to darryl and trinette (and a couple of other random people) about what has been burdening my heart these few days.i want to know is why people who know Him aren't loving Him for what He deserves.where has Christianity gone?it's not like i'm a great (as in,perfect) lover of God.but i'm committed to trying as much as i can to surrender my life and live for Him.i know what He's done for me,and i don't ever want to remain the same person i was yesterday or the year before.i want to keep growing even though things at the top get scarier and more daunting.i have to admit as i feel God pulling me up the crazy rock wall like a belayer would,i'm like a bit exhausted and apprehensive.the climb before was such a challenge.i'm not sure if i can go on as it gets even harder.i know God knows what i can do.but i need so much more fuel man.like the stuff they teach us in uni,this new unfamiliar lap is such a giant leap from the usual trials i've gone through.it's forcing me to mature and handle things i once thought were so much larger than myself.

oh gosh.i'm too tired to even blog properly.i've got so much stuff on my mind however.i'm dying to just say - LET GOD CHANGE YOU STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOURSELF IT'LL NEVER WORK WE'VE ALL TRIED AND FAILED.GOD IS SAYING SON COME BACK TO JESUS.THE DIVINE EXCHANGE IS WAITING FOR YOU.

that was a little explicit and straight forward.but i'm too tired.i don't know how to phrase it nicely in this state of mind.i keep thinking..no one in God's presence can emerge from the encounter the exact same person.meeting God just breaks  you into pieces and leaves you weeping like a child.not in shame as you may think of course.but in utmost gratitude because He took everything you ever did,sent His Son to die in your place,and didn't even blame you one bit.how can you NOT react in the most extreme way upon realizing the extent of His mercy??

i'm probably sounding holy moly.i don't know if i should give a damn to that.here's one of my favourite bookmark messages -

I stood before Jesus and asked Him: How much do you love me Lord? 

"This much." He replied. 

Then He stretched out His arms on the cross and died for me.

give it some serious thought guys.goodnight.

the past.

i forgot we were supposed to act dao.

my FAVOURITE.cos i look the nicest(:

check out my sucky designing skills man.

pretty.odd.

but things do change.

bye bye.

life with jonk is never without the endless drama.sometimes i wonder how my friends handle it,especially those caught in the constant crossfire,swept this way and that with my reckless abandon.some people sit and listen in amazement,others thank their lucky stars they live on calmer seas.i don't know.life is awkward.life is awesome.

have learnt so much over the past weeks as smu life started off with camps,as my social life fluorished naturally with the oddest of companions,things move and change so fast i literally can't catch my breath at times.there are a lot of things to say in regard to certain issues,things i toss over in my mind like an overdone salad,things that nobody really wants to hear.

i don't think even i can catch up with myself.it's secret blog time!

take that bow

i don't know why i like take a bow by rihanna so much.i think the piano part really gets to me.i love the piano part.which is basically the bass of the whole song.today i went to smu for lunch then out with darryl to shop for his new wardrobe.i think i may have succeeded in changing his style a bit.then trinette joined us for our favourite crystal jade lamianxiaolongbao dinner,icecream,quarreled again,then went home after making peace.tomorrow we're going to parkway to do the same stuff.bangkok on thursday!(:

yours mine and ours(:

olive so prettyyyy.

the epitome of stupidity.