grace in ace in grace

if there's something you can do for me,pray for me.not that i don't want to pray for myself,but just that these few days i'm just struggling to even see God's existance in my life.honestly.i bet most of it is my fault because iv been so busy getting overwhelmed by my currently dismal circumstances.but yeah steph,God's breaking me.with all my heart i'm still believing He's still doing something,even if i can't see it from my viewpoint now.i can't see anything.only piles and piles of econs to work on.waiting for my big break,ironically.because the more i look forward to a good pass in at least one econs test before the As,the more ms yip gives me that look and asks why i'm still not studying.it's like one blow after another,wondering when my salvation will come,striving to learn my stuff well,and then being told nothing i do seems to show i work at all.i don't see why God's doing this to me sometimes,because it's never happened before.i've never panicked so much before,felt so beaten and downtrodden before.some sort of abject hopelessness that washes over me every day,and all i can do is wait to exhale,breathe in the beautiful blue sky air again.when will it come? i ask myself,and possibly God,a lot.when will it all come? can i face this? i hate crying.i was so pissed off with myself last night as i sat down and wept like an idiot for the 3rd time after being told again and again by my mother that i seemed to know nothing substantial about econs.knowing everything in the notes,but understanding nothing.the feeling got me so drained,angry,frustrated,yet void of every emotion possible at the same time.tears start not meaning anything,just the water of my soul pouring out in anguish only my head understands now.my heart feels so separated from it all,and i wonder,where is God? what is God doing? but i guess closeness is not just a matter of feeling.belief goes beyond feeling God's there.sometimes it boils down to just knowing,understanding.God will break me,then He will mould me back.He will dismantle my proud self that once stood proud and self-reliant.He will put me back together,but differently.and all i can do is wait.work and wait.try to pray.i don't know what to pray for anymore,it seems.good grades? too shortsighted.spiritual uplifting? too vague.peace? too easily confused with complacency.strength? too heavy for me.

God,God..it really feels as though you've forsaken me.although i know you haven't.but where are You now when i need You to show yourself the most? i'm tired of looking.tired of trying.tired.

tired.

a largely unhappy one

haven't been happy since the postprelim party ended.2 weeks left.i'm very tired.

think i've learnt to stop expecting things.because expecting things have been proven time and time again to only hurt you.i'm thinking..thinking..seeing..believing..wishing..

i don't even know how to describe the state i have fallen in..drifted into.i may be praying,but not expecting.

at times i forget what life used to be like,taste like,smell like.how faith is spelt.

you can go on with your life,float on it,enjoy it.relish in its metricious beauty,limitless wonder.be stupefied,petrified,

while i learn that happy no longer is much of an option.because that little key to happiness just doesn't seem to turn the right lock.my dreams and my reality have ceased to fit.it has become such a drag to face another day,yet long for more ahead before D Day comes.i'm stuck in a dimension i wish i wasn't part of.

it comes back to haunt you,again,again,again,

i've become a cynic thanks to the victimization of circumstance.

which is such an unfair statement to make in front of God.

just can't help feeling this way.just can't.....

just can't.

"Don't give in to discouragement..even when you try..but don't succeed. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus."

-Mother Teresa