grace in ace in grace

if there's something you can do for me,pray for me.not that i don't want to pray for myself,but just that these few days i'm just struggling to even see God's existance in my life.honestly.i bet most of it is my fault because iv been so busy getting overwhelmed by my currently dismal circumstances.but yeah steph,God's breaking me.with all my heart i'm still believing He's still doing something,even if i can't see it from my viewpoint now.i can't see anything.only piles and piles of econs to work on.waiting for my big break,ironically.because the more i look forward to a good pass in at least one econs test before the As,the more ms yip gives me that look and asks why i'm still not studying.it's like one blow after another,wondering when my salvation will come,striving to learn my stuff well,and then being told nothing i do seems to show i work at all.i don't see why God's doing this to me sometimes,because it's never happened before.i've never panicked so much before,felt so beaten and downtrodden before.some sort of abject hopelessness that washes over me every day,and all i can do is wait to exhale,breathe in the beautiful blue sky air again.when will it come? i ask myself,and possibly God,a lot.when will it all come? can i face this? i hate crying.i was so pissed off with myself last night as i sat down and wept like an idiot for the 3rd time after being told again and again by my mother that i seemed to know nothing substantial about econs.knowing everything in the notes,but understanding nothing.the feeling got me so drained,angry,frustrated,yet void of every emotion possible at the same time.tears start not meaning anything,just the water of my soul pouring out in anguish only my head understands now.my heart feels so separated from it all,and i wonder,where is God? what is God doing? but i guess closeness is not just a matter of feeling.belief goes beyond feeling God's there.sometimes it boils down to just knowing,understanding.God will break me,then He will mould me back.He will dismantle my proud self that once stood proud and self-reliant.He will put me back together,but differently.and all i can do is wait.work and wait.try to pray.i don't know what to pray for anymore,it seems.good grades? too shortsighted.spiritual uplifting? too vague.peace? too easily confused with complacency.strength? too heavy for me.

God,God..it really feels as though you've forsaken me.although i know you haven't.but where are You now when i need You to show yourself the most? i'm tired of looking.tired of trying.tired.

tired.