six feet from the edge.

I hate the part of friendship where you start expecting certain things and responses,and stop being as spontaneous and open and carefree.I hate feeling more bitterly disappointed than delightfully surprised whenever we talk nowadays.I hate caring about what you think about me when I never used to and that then was much happier.I hate having to measure you against the ideal and seeing clearly how far you fall short of it.I hate wanting to talk to you and to spend time with you because it’s as stifling for me as it is for you.I hate how a maturing relationship will ultimately turn one or both of us into people who can’t live without each other.I hate walking our friendship down the road I’ve walked so many times,the one that ends in anger,betrayal and sadness that will linger for many months after we finally stop talking completely.I hate how I’m always more emotionally attached than you,whoever the you may be.I hate how I always hurt longer and feel deeper.I hate knowing you are as indifferent about me as I try to be about you.I hate feeling strangely affectionate about someone after a period of time,because it’s all stupid and pointless and tiring.

And above all that I hate my foolish heart,because it’s always wrong.

i wish we'd never met i'm so tired of goodbyes.

you make me do silly things i thought i'd grown out of,or at least never wanted to do for someone/anyone ever again.

you make me wish i was a better person so i wouldn't feel so guilty for being so unlike you and so much like me.

you make me desperate enough to finally come clean with certain things so you wouldn't get the wrong ideas about me.

and yet after all that i still feel i'm not good enough for you,because someone like you truly deserves the best.

you are such a great person.i never thought i'd actually like someone as good as you.

if you've missed me,if at all,

i'm over at tumblr being all emotional.

please keep in mind that i am not really THAT emo.that site just compels you to be as lyrical as possible.

for the lighter/brighter side of me,follow me on twitter as well.

thus by merging:

1. this blog, which provides a more elaborate/intimate discussion of my life
2. my tumblr, which is the most awesome outlet for all my awesome emo shit (admit it,my prose and poetry and emo self-quotes are good)
3. my facebook, which gives you a glimpse of what i'm like in real life as a friend + how overuploaded the Singakorean photo album is
4. my twitter, which updates you about the unimportant happenings per hour in my life

you can safely say you (still) know me even if you haven't seen me in like forever.

missing you,losing me.

i like to think i'm good at letting go,
honestly i'm just holding onto you from one arm's length away.

maybe one day she'll give you back.

today will be the difference.

yesterday i..

struggled to keep up in MS,
went to bugis
collected my bag
did my eyebrows
browsed through the sale
ate a nice lunch
did my homework in croom
went for cardiodance
had a nice dinner
got stopped by God for a life change.

today will be the difference.

one day i will pervade your world.

you will look for me,
you will find me,
you will love me,
and you will lose me.

i love you because i don't know what else to do with you.

on the bus

it's easy to assess your life on an irritatingly crowded bus, with an old favorite song drowning out the noise and an ipod in hand.

summer's over, just like that. gone. with a sign on it's door saying "be back next year".

it was a packed summer. slacking in april, driving in may, 80 hours of CSP in june, work the whole of july (and more). so neat, so easy to categorize. so very convenient should anyone ask how it all was for me.

so apparently fulfilled.

yet every morning and every evening when i get on the bus, ipod blasting and without a worry about my worries, i never actually sink into sighs of fulfillment as memories of summer float by me.

i'm tired. i'm still not happy with things. worst of all, i'm seriously unhappy.

to be both not happy (i.e. satisfied) as well as unhappy (i.e. miserable) is not exactly the prettiest of situations. euphermeral joys i have, i mean, i really love the kids. but beyond that, when i examine my life.. things aren't great. summer wasn't great. i'm not sure if it could have been better, but it definitely was not a perfect version of what it already has come to be.

gosh. the way i just sit on the bus and wonder how it all turned out this way. and to know all the answers yet continue asking why. until now it's so hard to accept that i can't even find it within me to cry. it's like it never happened.

but has.

"You thought I loved you..." A tear rolls down her wet cheek.

He realizes he's crying too. He wants to say he's sorry. But the door shuts behind her final words.

"I can't believe I did."

you did this.

i'm okay
i'm in pieces but okay
you broke me
i'm cleaning up so it's okay
broken, but i'm okay
may never be unbroken,
but it's okay.

I MUST WATCH..

1. Family Outing
2. Love Letter
3. X-Man
4. Manwon Happiness
5. More Infinity Challenge

2.5 more months of holidays only!!!!! i don't really have to work, i just gotta settle driving and CIP..............therefore, i quote MC Yoo:

GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the greatest thing you'll ever learn

freedom can be to die for,yet after a certain amount of enjoyment it all lapses into an unfortunate state of really pathetic.i don't know what to say for myself.summer is just slipping through my fingers,and all i can do is sleep for many many hours and once in a while wake up to think 'oh shit one more day is gone'.

i am doing nothing with my summer.except maybe watch alot of infinity challenge and occasionally go out with the bunch of never changing friends who do basically the same thing.which is either shop,eat,try to exercise,but mainly the most popular choice of sit-and-gossip.and some variation of that for every new outing.

or maybe it's just me.to me,everything i,or people in general, do is kinda useless.for some reason has no effect on me.maybe i'm just too occupied with making my summer count without having the slightest idea how it IS going to count.watching videos? no.hanging out with friends? somehow...no.being completely free? NO! i don't know!!! perhaps i wasn't even made for summers!!!!! i just can't handle them!!! i am most alive when DREAMING about summer.when i'm so busy with school i LONG for summer to come.but never when the dream is actually fulfilled!!! OMG!!!! i think i live for dreaming,but never for the reality of my dreams themselves.

to think my mother couldn't be more accurate when she said of me years ago...this child is a real dreamer.

nothing's changed except us.

it's pleasantly dramatic to think we cannot move on from the people we used to love.so beautifully,painfully romantic and the inspiration of all successful sad love songs.but because i'm 20,i think the real pain comes when you look into his face years later,hear him whisper her name,and realize he wasn't the only one who moved on.

we all can move on,unlike what they tell us.

but,thankfully,that's even more heartbreaking to know.

how long can i live this way

it's funny how loneliness just creeps up on you and reminds you that being alone has its repercussions, and loneliness just happens to be on the guest list. from living on high drama and emotional rollercoasters to slumming it out in the uneventful suburbian wasteland of predictability and never-ending free time... the life i thought i was finally going to have after term ended is quickly eroding as an all too simple facade for no-life. when you wander like a lost soul waiting to be found, everything that happens to you seems to bring you hope. too much work could serve as a useful distraction from being emotionally alone, yet too much work could also drive your fatigued mind to make a foolish escape into fantasy or worse still, paranoia. too little work on the other hand ironically does the same thing. work never killed anyone but neither does it seem to cure anyone either. honestly i'm just sick of sitting around hoping that i'll stop being what is essentially lonely. i'm also sick of not sitting around because i'm doing the exact same thing anyway. i've been living so much in my head these days i finally came to the conclusion that perhaps i'm just really tired of hanging out aimlessly in this place called me and would very much prefer to move to a location known very simply as someone else's heart.

although it seems like you never happened, i hope you do, again.

el oh vee what?

i ought to get off my poor laptop soon and let it rest.it has been up since early last night trying to convert the stupid bbf videos into ipod format,but i'm guessing it remained on the whole night despite having the conversion crash halfway because my computer smartly ran out of space (after all the crap i've dumped into it).i'm sure most of you have seen my desktop.it is a huge mess.and that's just the tip of the iceberg.i've used up 116 gig worth of harddisk over the first year of my mac's life.so much crap.i deleted mostly everything btw,so don't expect to be getting any secondhand notes from me.nothing of SMU year 1 exists anymore in my computer.i just had to free up space (managed to free up about 50 gig after 5 intensive hours of cleanup).also managed to FINALLY finish converting the 10 bbf videos after 10 hours of waiting and having a super laggy internet due to low computer power.i only have 10 because,as you may have heard,mc's 6 year old computer died the minute we finished sending only 10 videos.she's in seoul now having the time of her (and possibly every korean fan's) life.she bought me kim bum socks too. [:

anyway summer has been pretty awesome.have done baking,watching alot of ss501,getting bbf (or at least half the episodes),hanging out with friends (trinette,bim tan,mc),watching as much tv as i want,being completely FREE...okay so i am crossing my fingers that i get the korean job (no sound from them yet..but they said tomorrow is the day they'll let me know....),not that i really want a job because currently slacking is so much more appealing (SO MANY SHOWS SO MUCH TIME......as long as i don't have a job).but i guess the reality of things is that i DO need a job (no time for a full-time with all that stupid driving).this one sounds like,better than nothing already.

80 hours cip is also looming in the very unpleasant near future.not sure how i'm going to conquer THAT.

btw holidays are not that fun since nus people are still having their 2 week long study/exam sessions.gosh it's really so late compared to us.we have the longest summers ever.not that i'm complaining.really need to get down to watch FTLY and ANTM.the length of my freedom is so extensive that i really hope i don't screw up and end up having a very unmeaningful time.i should pray about these 4 months actually.

oh plus my birthday is coming soon!!! not sure how i want it to be this year,but since i'm trying to save money for my parents so that they'll remunerate me in some monetary form so that i can go overseas and R&R instead,looks like i'm most probably not going to be throwing my usual birthday party.awww.they are fun.but also expensive to hold!!

alot of writing nudges have been coming to me from my real life experiences.i think i should also start on my little private project soon.it's interesting how you have a certain idea for a storyline,and then bits of the plot start happening to you for real.i'm not sure whether i'm right,but i like to think that they're God's little way of helping me understand what it feels like so that i can write about it on behalf of my characters in the most accurate way possible.it's like an adventure for me as well as them hahaha.

okay i should be off to bed now.should i go for crusade tomorrow? claud and trin are going.......

btw i love ss501.

hyunjoong.jungmin.kyujong.yongsaeng.hyungjun.

major love.

welcome home summer bummer.

I AM BACK after a VERY LONG HIATUS.ah,can finally say this wholeheartedly:

SCHOOL'S OUT,SCREAM AND SHOUT!!!!!

a whole term of awesome new friends,quite a damn lot of fun,a very nice amount of slacking,unexpected victories and three final weeks of presentations,halfhearted mugging and exams that couldn't be more OVER.

awesomeness.SUMMER IS HERE.

actually very stressed out over summer schedule,but i'm praying for God to just put it all nicely together so that i can complete my driving successfully by june,have an interesting job experience that isn't too stressful in any way,and do everything summer was created to be for.

am supposed to make a list before i sleep,so that my first day of summer will be full of purpose and stuff to look forward to.i am already booked for the day,with sleeping in (FINALLY BACK TO BED AND GOOD OLD UNINHIBITED-BY-INSOMIA-AND-PRE-SUMMER-STRESS SLEEP),shopping with huishuang (no more bkk for the time being,so time to splurge a bit in faithful orchard road),BAKING (YESSSSS) with her later at night,meeting MC to get everyone's much awaited copy of the most amazing korean show ever,and basically just having nothing better to do than have loads of summer fun.

so this is the list of things i should do:

1. finish watching fated to love you (watched halfway only)
2. start on ANTM cycle 12 (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!)
3. watch several korean movies,and of course other movies that are good (that i missed,thanks to SMU's fantastic timetable)
4. finish driving and hopefully also have a job
5. master the art of baking
6. get started on some SERIOUS WRITING that is overdue by a few years.

oh wait must mention this before i continue.there's this Korean guy called A.J. trying to debut as the Next Rain.he's also only my age! ridiculous he even looks kinda like Rain but definitely does NOT have Rain's body or absolutely sexiness.can't believe it! his dancing is like Rain's!!!! urgh.everybody wants to be Rain.as much as i don't really like Rain that much anymore because he's getting rather old and also overrated,he's really a unique brand all by himself.the voice,the dancing,the whole ego thing.on a happier and less disgusted note,Lee Joon Ki (my second most favorite actor next to rain,as of 2 years ago before kimbum came along and stole my heart from them) is ALSO trying to break out into the music/dance/pop/Rain scene!!! another one with dance moves that look suspiciously like Rain's,gloves and ego thing included.just that Rain doesn't wear eyeliner.i love Lee Joon Ki's eye makeup though! must go get myself some good kohl and try it out.also immediately forgave Joon Ki's attempt to be the Next Rain (unlike my complete disgust at A.J.) because Lee Joon Ki IS a brilliant actor.brilliantly hot,if i may add.

okay back to the list:

7. have some form of a getaway/escape to just relaxxx.
8. buy new clothes,somehow.hope bkk clears up its mess asap.
9. in the meantime,clear up MY mess (both my room AND my computer)
10. in charge of FC's next event!!!
11. am supposed to join worship team
12. crusade camp preparations!!!
13. i cannot believe i forgot to say this earlier.....EIGHTY #*@&@^#* HOURS OF CIP.
14. attend SS501 asian tour concert HAHAHA (a dream of mine)
15. meet up with a14 when they're finally done with THEIR exams...a14 sleepover/camp 09
16. hang out a lot with bim/swannie/stepho/trin/zwing (HOORAY)/racho
17. celebrate my 20th birthday in a DIFFERENT way this year please,no more crazy house parties
18. finally have scgs reunion with rowe/shu/shan/ryl/marilyn/everyone else at ms goh's
19. watch at least 2-3 GOOD dramas
20. HOW COULD I FORGET.WATCH ALL EPISODES OF WGM WITH KHJ IN IT.
21. distribute copies of BBF to claud/rubez/racho/trin/all other unsuspecting victims
22. READ at least 4-5 amazing books.discover new talented authors! [:
23. maybe stop being sian of gossip girl and continue watching.
24. sleep a lot.
25. NOT eat a lot.
26. complete this list tomorrow.

okay kinda sleepy now.hoping to regain my sleeping pattern (9-10 hours a day and NO PROBLEMS falling asleep) that i lost a few days ago.brain is definitely functioning at like less than 1% worth of battery.

hopefully it'll be a GOOD night tonight [: GOOD NIGHT!!! HAPPY SUMMER!!!

i sleep,i wake,i dream,i write.

Thou shalt not fail as a writer
because the very act of writing is the best protection
from the madness of the
world.

- Charles Bukowski -

returning to blog soon! [:

pieces of the life i had before

you tell me i have you
you're there for me too
we're in each other's hearts
each other's lives
but i still miss you
you don't understand
that when i say that
i really mean
that i miss the times
when you were mine
and mine alone.

goodnight.

well,

when you go,
would you have the guts to say
i don't love you,
like i did
yesterday

of all bad scripts,

"I'm in love with her," he said. "Please don't wait up for me tonight. Nor tomorrow, nor the day after."

"I figured." she said. "I figured you weren't quite ready to come home."

"I am not."

"You are free to do as you please."

"I am."

"I know you may never come back."

He sighed. "I most probably never will. Stop doing this to yourself. It is very silly."

She sighed. "Nothing has ever made more sense. But don't mind me. I too, am free to do as I please."

"You are. But don't do this."

"I love you."

"Don't."

"More than you will ever know."

"Then fall out of love with me, I beg you."

Her voice fell with her gaze. "You know that is impossible when it comes to you."

像空气般不存在的存在

I just hope that one day you see me,
and your heart stops
and you realize what you had this whole time.

and our love,like lines so truly parallel
will go on forever
but never meet.

이노래는진실했던사랑이야기.

haven't been around.

i've been very present on facebook and not very present here,so whoever's reading or hoping to read stuff not related to BBF,i'm sorry for not updating! but at least i didn't write a 10000 word long post on kim bum or something.which is worse?

school's pretty busy and my head's pretty occupied thinking and dreaming,that's why i haven't blogged for a pretty long time.but you can totally check out what i'm up to on facebook.i practically live on facebook now.

anyway just a quick update,but i'm having a little egoistical moment now.one of the many,i know.i always get this sense of achievement when i read The Secret Blog aka A Story of A Mind.i am,when i'm not writing about contrived shit,a really awesome writer. [: one day when i get old and am waiting to die,i will publish all the entries in a book and you guys can read it and agree with me.

okay cut the crap.i love him.

kim bum (:

sometimes love just ain't enough?

even through watching the most unrealistic korean dramas,one can learn several important lessons which to me,love guru,are absolutely vital to real life understanding:

1. you may never marry your soulmate,as beautiful an idea it may be.
2. we all have choices of who we want to be with.and all these choices may be great.the tough part is finding the one that best fits you and you alone.
3. it's nice to have choices,but when all these choices want to be with you,you will always end up hurting someone since you can only make one choice.
4. sometimes it's best to not have choices,because then you can't really get that confused when you have to choose between two or more fantastic guys,upon which you have to hurt all but one of them.
5. when you are indecisive or just a player,you most likely will end up hurting the one you love the most,even if you're not sure who it is at that moment.
6. that's because the one you actually love the most,probably loves you the most too.
7. when you love someone too much that that person fills your entire history,it's hard to find someone else who is willing to take that person's place,even if that person will never be with you.
8. it is better to not hold on so tightly to things in life,because when #7 occurs,it is almost impossible to reverse its effects on your life.and you never know how to love another without thinking of that first person.
9. it is possible to love more than one person at one time,or so it seems.choices do abound.for now most of our stories haven't drawn to any close,nobody is married to anybody yet.anything could happen.but we need to make up our minds just how much the girls/boys in our past mean to us,so that we will learn to let go for the good of our futures.
10. but this thing i don't know yet..since i've never watched a korean drama that tells me the answer.only God knows for now,but i've always wondered,what happens if one girl/boy in your past means too much to let go...but a fairytale ending is not going to happen?

what happens then?

how far can i wander

how far can i wander
when your face is his face
your eyes like his eyes
he's smiling for me, when
he doesn't know me
but because you did,
he might have loved me
his gaze upon me like
how you gazed down at me
i love him only
as i loved you only

how far can i wander
when your name is my destination
every street sign refusing
to let me leave this secret place
and i wander in hopes of getting lost
of losing you,
leaving you behind
walking away like you walked away
pretending i know where i'm going
but really
i have no where else to go

You
are
my
home.

please don't move away before i can get back.

the fear you won't fall

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
That's part of it all, part of the beauty
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone was better

Thought I could,
Can't get my mind off you.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

beautiful show.i finally got down to watching and i really really loved the concept.the cinematography.the way it was translated into film and story.amazing.michel gondry is like a master.to be able to use visual methods to convey certain emotions and journeys so accurately and creatively is so admirable.i am blown away.

also very tired,and not dying anytime soon contrary to prior belief. [: things are looking up.

"i'm just afraid i will spend my whole life waiting for you.and you never come back."

facing the road home

i may be sick.not a cough cold flu kind of normal sick.sick as in,really sick inside.i can't even describe the feeling.i don't know if there's anything really wrong with me.as much as i wish it's just my imagination,something isn't right.i can ignore it,but it's there.in my breathing,in my heartbeat.

i'm not scared,since i can't even imagine what could be the problem.i don't even know where to start.it's so dismissable i may one day forget about it.or it could be a major thing.i could just go suddenly,unexpectedly.i don't know.at least i know where i'm going,and all the good stuff that's coming.the people (and very important person) i'll be meeting,a beautiful home to return to.

the only thing i actually want to know,is whether anyone would notice if i was gone.

forever.

the emo song.

what if i fall and hurt myself

would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
'cause without you things go hazy

do you know greater love than this?

you really never know.

just watched 'definitely maybe' and it was actually pretty good! it really made me realize that at the end of all this struggle and confusion we're going to wind up as parents to kids who may just want to know all the shit we went through finding the person we finally love for the rest of our lives, and then we're going to have to recount everything we're going through now to them and tell them the story of how we met their dads/mums.a very scary thought indeed,the way the movie put it.quite aptly though.we just go through so many different relationships with so many possible outcomes over the years.we never know what's coming until we get there.then we'll breathe,hopefully,a sigh of relief and go 'ohhhhh so he/she turned out to be the one'.very scary.

i mean the way ryan reynolds recounted each of his ongoing love stories over the course of his life to his daughter made me just think about what it would be like telling my story one day with the end already known to me.without worry of who it might be,because it'll,hopefully again,be a happy ending..just telling it and being happily nostalgic instead of painfully clueless,as i am now.it makes me think about all the relationships i've gone through and wonder myself who on earth would emerge winner at the very end.then i can tell all my stories in peace without worrying 'what if he's the one!!!!'.i always think of the worse case scenarios actually.so it's a very harrowing experience,telling a story without an end that i'm sure of.

most of you have heard my very interesting stories on life and love.i just hope that one day i'll be able to tell you the full thing,and tie it up nicely with the most beautiful ending even you couldn't imagine.the stuff God thinks up and creates perfectly in real life. [:

on a very random side note,this was possibly my favourite quote from the movie,where april describes a guy she meets on a beach in crete:

"he was brooding and sexy,monosyllabic and totally my type."

besides the fact that this is [SPOILER ALERT!!] the girl/bestfriend ryan reynolds has been in love with all the while (which scares the shit out of me for reasons some of you will know) and that she also walks away from this guy she was talking about in the quote because she realizes at that point that she loves ryan reynolds and returns home to him (which also scares the shit out of me due to a reason related to the previous one)...

i'm kinda in love with a guy just like that now myself.

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you will throw my way
and i'm hanging on
to the words you say
You said that I will
will be okay

to the last breath i draw,and beyond

it is a funny,vulnerable feeling.
to see something awesome,but not have the urge to pick up your phone and message that person about it immediately.
to be bored out of your mind on a smothering afternoon,yet have no one readily in mind to call out.
to hear one of those feel good love songs playing in the background,but have absolutely no clue who you're supposed to think of.
to no longer be finding reasons and conversation topics to talk to that person about,possibly every second of the day.
to not exceed your message or call time limit,for the first time in years.
to sit on the bus alone and to really be,in every essence of the word,be alone.
to see other people being together and loving it,but no longer thinking,if only a miracle happened to me too.
to no longer know what i want.

the largest bowl of mash.

i've just consumed what was possibly the most amount of carbohydrate in the past hour.thanks to my mouth's unfortunate inability to chew anything harder than liquid/mush/mash,i should be thankful for the huge bowl of mash potato i just had.am still in screme now relishing in paul's very nice present of fullhouse WITH english subtitles.although it can't play on my ipod,it's still one whole item of my wishlist! hooray!

2 more hours till my next class sheesh.the sleep monster is slowly attacking..not that it hasn't been trying to devour me for the past 4 hours since i had to wake up for FA.FA is quite crazy,but not as mind bogging as biz law yet.perhaps i should be good and go to the library to study..either that or the driving booklet.etrial is tmr omg.i'm so not prepared.

okay too full to think now.am exploding.imploding.not sure.byee.

someone numb the pain.

today two things were hurting.my entire set of teeth,and my heart.

i'm not sure which hurt more.

this is my damn secret.

1. i always thought that we owed the people we secretly loved a duty of care to let them know the horrifying truth one day,so that in their saddest and most lonely moments they would remember that there was indeed at least one person who thought they were worth it.

2. i never dared to tell you earlier,because out of all the rest i thoughtlessly informed,the thought of you knowing and never talking to me again was something i would spend many years preparing myself for but never getting any more ready.

3. i risked it all because it would have made me happy if i were in your shoes,i thought,and when i finally did it i was trembling up to my fingers and tears were threatening to run down my face.

4. i don't think it made you happy,although you tried to tell me that it did.it made me feel sad because i had sold my secret for no return,and now i had nothing left to cherish and protect.and what i had been guarding all these years apparently meant nothing to begin with.

5. i did cry,in the end.

6. tomorrow we will go back to normal,and you wouldn't know the difference.

a few things not to do this year.

making promises to self to do certain things in the new year is possibly one of the lamest and stupidest things to do.next on that list of stupid things to do when a new year rolls around is to wish people happy new year because if you think about it you're feeling all wonderful and friendly just for that magical hour after the clock strikes twelve but when you wake up the next day nothing has changed at all,really.the smiles and hugs and screaming hasn't improved a thing at all.the hour after new years arrives is enchanted.people stop regretting things of the year before,stop hanging on to long-standing inhibitions and just give it all up for that one hour of merry making.i have to admit falling prey to the magic of new years last night.or almost doing so.but being the stubborn/self-controlled person that i am,i got over it before i could sell my soul to the night and woke up with a massive hangover,but no life change.

i crafted my new years message to my friends carefully,along the lines of what i really felt were important whenever a new year comes.all that whizzlefizzle about losing 10 pounds and getting a GPA of 4.0 just falls flat because nobody really remembers these things.how on earth do you do that when the 365 days of the year are choke full of a variety/combination of problems,new people,projects,heartbreaks and eye candy.likes,loves,wishes,hopes,dreams.the human mind wasn't programmed to actually remember all that stuff said on the very first day of the year! it's probably the LEAST remembered day of the year in fact.

so here are a few things i wish NOT to do this year,based on what i DID last year,at least i have one whole year's worth of past experience to scare me into doing the right thing this year:

1. not to procrastinate when it comes to driving.made a 1% effort last year and that was proven not good.
2. not to be anyone's emotional backup plan.don't always be the good samaritan!
3. not to be so forthcoming and open (and dramatic) about how i feel,because it only comes back to haunt you when you change your mind.
4. not to forget that in everything God has some great divine plan,as miserable and unchangeable as some life situations may be.
5. not to be so hypochondriatic.trust God more and worry a whole lot less.
6. not to miss the moments that could change your life by being afraid of losing out in active participation of them.i'm still wondering if i should have said something last night.
7. not to lose myself in my work at smu.which means abandoning the friends who matter and being too sian to go to church.
8. not to be a complete spaz in front of certain people.
9. not to be too confident or too unconfident.just enough confidence is apparently sexy.
10. not to get emotionally involved with anyone at all.but at the same time,never stop dreaming.

oh yes i think lucas might want me to add this..

11. NOT TO SPOIL ANYMORE GADGETS.very very very very important.

by the way,by the divine power of God,my dead laptop battery/charger miraculously resurrected at the start of smash preparations yesterday afternoon.hallelujah worthy or what! btw,SMASH was pretty darn good. [: