six feet from the edge.

I hate the part of friendship where you start expecting certain things and responses,and stop being as spontaneous and open and carefree.I hate feeling more bitterly disappointed than delightfully surprised whenever we talk nowadays.I hate caring about what you think about me when I never used to and that then was much happier.I hate having to measure you against the ideal and seeing clearly how far you fall short of it.I hate wanting to talk to you and to spend time with you because it’s as stifling for me as it is for you.I hate how a maturing relationship will ultimately turn one or both of us into people who can’t live without each other.I hate walking our friendship down the road I’ve walked so many times,the one that ends in anger,betrayal and sadness that will linger for many months after we finally stop talking completely.I hate how I’m always more emotionally attached than you,whoever the you may be.I hate how I always hurt longer and feel deeper.I hate knowing you are as indifferent about me as I try to be about you.I hate feeling strangely affectionate about someone after a period of time,because it’s all stupid and pointless and tiring.

And above all that I hate my foolish heart,because it’s always wrong.

i wish we'd never met i'm so tired of goodbyes.

you make me do silly things i thought i'd grown out of,or at least never wanted to do for someone/anyone ever again.

you make me wish i was a better person so i wouldn't feel so guilty for being so unlike you and so much like me.

you make me desperate enough to finally come clean with certain things so you wouldn't get the wrong ideas about me.

and yet after all that i still feel i'm not good enough for you,because someone like you truly deserves the best.

you are such a great person.i never thought i'd actually like someone as good as you.

if you've missed me,if at all,

i'm over at tumblr being all emotional.

please keep in mind that i am not really THAT emo.that site just compels you to be as lyrical as possible.

for the lighter/brighter side of me,follow me on twitter as well.

thus by merging:

1. this blog, which provides a more elaborate/intimate discussion of my life
2. my tumblr, which is the most awesome outlet for all my awesome emo shit (admit it,my prose and poetry and emo self-quotes are good)
3. my facebook, which gives you a glimpse of what i'm like in real life as a friend + how overuploaded the Singakorean photo album is
4. my twitter, which updates you about the unimportant happenings per hour in my life

you can safely say you (still) know me even if you haven't seen me in like forever.

missing you,losing me.

i like to think i'm good at letting go,
honestly i'm just holding onto you from one arm's length away.

maybe one day she'll give you back.

today will be the difference.

yesterday i..

struggled to keep up in MS,
went to bugis
collected my bag
did my eyebrows
browsed through the sale
ate a nice lunch
did my homework in croom
went for cardiodance
had a nice dinner
got stopped by God for a life change.

today will be the difference.

one day i will pervade your world.

you will look for me,
you will find me,
you will love me,
and you will lose me.

i love you because i don't know what else to do with you.

on the bus

it's easy to assess your life on an irritatingly crowded bus, with an old favorite song drowning out the noise and an ipod in hand.

summer's over, just like that. gone. with a sign on it's door saying "be back next year".

it was a packed summer. slacking in april, driving in may, 80 hours of CSP in june, work the whole of july (and more). so neat, so easy to categorize. so very convenient should anyone ask how it all was for me.

so apparently fulfilled.

yet every morning and every evening when i get on the bus, ipod blasting and without a worry about my worries, i never actually sink into sighs of fulfillment as memories of summer float by me.

i'm tired. i'm still not happy with things. worst of all, i'm seriously unhappy.

to be both not happy (i.e. satisfied) as well as unhappy (i.e. miserable) is not exactly the prettiest of situations. euphermeral joys i have, i mean, i really love the kids. but beyond that, when i examine my life.. things aren't great. summer wasn't great. i'm not sure if it could have been better, but it definitely was not a perfect version of what it already has come to be.

gosh. the way i just sit on the bus and wonder how it all turned out this way. and to know all the answers yet continue asking why. until now it's so hard to accept that i can't even find it within me to cry. it's like it never happened.

but has.

"You thought I loved you..." A tear rolls down her wet cheek.

He realizes he's crying too. He wants to say he's sorry. But the door shuts behind her final words.

"I can't believe I did."

you did this.

i'm okay
i'm in pieces but okay
you broke me
i'm cleaning up so it's okay
broken, but i'm okay
may never be unbroken,
but it's okay.

I MUST WATCH..

1. Family Outing
2. Love Letter
3. X-Man
4. Manwon Happiness
5. More Infinity Challenge

2.5 more months of holidays only!!!!! i don't really have to work, i just gotta settle driving and CIP..............therefore, i quote MC Yoo:

GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the greatest thing you'll ever learn

freedom can be to die for,yet after a certain amount of enjoyment it all lapses into an unfortunate state of really pathetic.i don't know what to say for myself.summer is just slipping through my fingers,and all i can do is sleep for many many hours and once in a while wake up to think 'oh shit one more day is gone'.

i am doing nothing with my summer.except maybe watch alot of infinity challenge and occasionally go out with the bunch of never changing friends who do basically the same thing.which is either shop,eat,try to exercise,but mainly the most popular choice of sit-and-gossip.and some variation of that for every new outing.

or maybe it's just me.to me,everything i,or people in general, do is kinda useless.for some reason has no effect on me.maybe i'm just too occupied with making my summer count without having the slightest idea how it IS going to count.watching videos? no.hanging out with friends? somehow...no.being completely free? NO! i don't know!!! perhaps i wasn't even made for summers!!!!! i just can't handle them!!! i am most alive when DREAMING about summer.when i'm so busy with school i LONG for summer to come.but never when the dream is actually fulfilled!!! OMG!!!! i think i live for dreaming,but never for the reality of my dreams themselves.

to think my mother couldn't be more accurate when she said of me years ago...this child is a real dreamer.

nothing's changed except us.

it's pleasantly dramatic to think we cannot move on from the people we used to love.so beautifully,painfully romantic and the inspiration of all successful sad love songs.but because i'm 20,i think the real pain comes when you look into his face years later,hear him whisper her name,and realize he wasn't the only one who moved on.

we all can move on,unlike what they tell us.

but,thankfully,that's even more heartbreaking to know.

how long can i live this way

it's funny how loneliness just creeps up on you and reminds you that being alone has its repercussions, and loneliness just happens to be on the guest list. from living on high drama and emotional rollercoasters to slumming it out in the uneventful suburbian wasteland of predictability and never-ending free time... the life i thought i was finally going to have after term ended is quickly eroding as an all too simple facade for no-life. when you wander like a lost soul waiting to be found, everything that happens to you seems to bring you hope. too much work could serve as a useful distraction from being emotionally alone, yet too much work could also drive your fatigued mind to make a foolish escape into fantasy or worse still, paranoia. too little work on the other hand ironically does the same thing. work never killed anyone but neither does it seem to cure anyone either. honestly i'm just sick of sitting around hoping that i'll stop being what is essentially lonely. i'm also sick of not sitting around because i'm doing the exact same thing anyway. i've been living so much in my head these days i finally came to the conclusion that perhaps i'm just really tired of hanging out aimlessly in this place called me and would very much prefer to move to a location known very simply as someone else's heart.

although it seems like you never happened, i hope you do, again.

el oh vee what?

i ought to get off my poor laptop soon and let it rest.it has been up since early last night trying to convert the stupid bbf videos into ipod format,but i'm guessing it remained on the whole night despite having the conversion crash halfway because my computer smartly ran out of space (after all the crap i've dumped into it).i'm sure most of you have seen my desktop.it is a huge mess.and that's just the tip of the iceberg.i've used up 116 gig worth of harddisk over the first year of my mac's life.so much crap.i deleted mostly everything btw,so don't expect to be getting any secondhand notes from me.nothing of SMU year 1 exists anymore in my computer.i just had to free up space (managed to free up about 50 gig after 5 intensive hours of cleanup).also managed to FINALLY finish converting the 10 bbf videos after 10 hours of waiting and having a super laggy internet due to low computer power.i only have 10 because,as you may have heard,mc's 6 year old computer died the minute we finished sending only 10 videos.she's in seoul now having the time of her (and possibly every korean fan's) life.she bought me kim bum socks too. [:

anyway summer has been pretty awesome.have done baking,watching alot of ss501,getting bbf (or at least half the episodes),hanging out with friends (trinette,bim tan,mc),watching as much tv as i want,being completely FREE...okay so i am crossing my fingers that i get the korean job (no sound from them yet..but they said tomorrow is the day they'll let me know....),not that i really want a job because currently slacking is so much more appealing (SO MANY SHOWS SO MUCH TIME......as long as i don't have a job).but i guess the reality of things is that i DO need a job (no time for a full-time with all that stupid driving).this one sounds like,better than nothing already.

80 hours cip is also looming in the very unpleasant near future.not sure how i'm going to conquer THAT.

btw holidays are not that fun since nus people are still having their 2 week long study/exam sessions.gosh it's really so late compared to us.we have the longest summers ever.not that i'm complaining.really need to get down to watch FTLY and ANTM.the length of my freedom is so extensive that i really hope i don't screw up and end up having a very unmeaningful time.i should pray about these 4 months actually.

oh plus my birthday is coming soon!!! not sure how i want it to be this year,but since i'm trying to save money for my parents so that they'll remunerate me in some monetary form so that i can go overseas and R&R instead,looks like i'm most probably not going to be throwing my usual birthday party.awww.they are fun.but also expensive to hold!!

alot of writing nudges have been coming to me from my real life experiences.i think i should also start on my little private project soon.it's interesting how you have a certain idea for a storyline,and then bits of the plot start happening to you for real.i'm not sure whether i'm right,but i like to think that they're God's little way of helping me understand what it feels like so that i can write about it on behalf of my characters in the most accurate way possible.it's like an adventure for me as well as them hahaha.

okay i should be off to bed now.should i go for crusade tomorrow? claud and trin are going.......

btw i love ss501.

hyunjoong.jungmin.kyujong.yongsaeng.hyungjun.

major love.

welcome home summer bummer.

I AM BACK after a VERY LONG HIATUS.ah,can finally say this wholeheartedly:

SCHOOL'S OUT,SCREAM AND SHOUT!!!!!

a whole term of awesome new friends,quite a damn lot of fun,a very nice amount of slacking,unexpected victories and three final weeks of presentations,halfhearted mugging and exams that couldn't be more OVER.

awesomeness.SUMMER IS HERE.

actually very stressed out over summer schedule,but i'm praying for God to just put it all nicely together so that i can complete my driving successfully by june,have an interesting job experience that isn't too stressful in any way,and do everything summer was created to be for.

am supposed to make a list before i sleep,so that my first day of summer will be full of purpose and stuff to look forward to.i am already booked for the day,with sleeping in (FINALLY BACK TO BED AND GOOD OLD UNINHIBITED-BY-INSOMIA-AND-PRE-SUMMER-STRESS SLEEP),shopping with huishuang (no more bkk for the time being,so time to splurge a bit in faithful orchard road),BAKING (YESSSSS) with her later at night,meeting MC to get everyone's much awaited copy of the most amazing korean show ever,and basically just having nothing better to do than have loads of summer fun.

so this is the list of things i should do:

1. finish watching fated to love you (watched halfway only)
2. start on ANTM cycle 12 (AHHHHHH!!!!!!!)
3. watch several korean movies,and of course other movies that are good (that i missed,thanks to SMU's fantastic timetable)
4. finish driving and hopefully also have a job
5. master the art of baking
6. get started on some SERIOUS WRITING that is overdue by a few years.

oh wait must mention this before i continue.there's this Korean guy called A.J. trying to debut as the Next Rain.he's also only my age! ridiculous he even looks kinda like Rain but definitely does NOT have Rain's body or absolutely sexiness.can't believe it! his dancing is like Rain's!!!! urgh.everybody wants to be Rain.as much as i don't really like Rain that much anymore because he's getting rather old and also overrated,he's really a unique brand all by himself.the voice,the dancing,the whole ego thing.on a happier and less disgusted note,Lee Joon Ki (my second most favorite actor next to rain,as of 2 years ago before kimbum came along and stole my heart from them) is ALSO trying to break out into the music/dance/pop/Rain scene!!! another one with dance moves that look suspiciously like Rain's,gloves and ego thing included.just that Rain doesn't wear eyeliner.i love Lee Joon Ki's eye makeup though! must go get myself some good kohl and try it out.also immediately forgave Joon Ki's attempt to be the Next Rain (unlike my complete disgust at A.J.) because Lee Joon Ki IS a brilliant actor.brilliantly hot,if i may add.

okay back to the list:

7. have some form of a getaway/escape to just relaxxx.
8. buy new clothes,somehow.hope bkk clears up its mess asap.
9. in the meantime,clear up MY mess (both my room AND my computer)
10. in charge of FC's next event!!!
11. am supposed to join worship team
12. crusade camp preparations!!!
13. i cannot believe i forgot to say this earlier.....EIGHTY #*@&@^#* HOURS OF CIP.
14. attend SS501 asian tour concert HAHAHA (a dream of mine)
15. meet up with a14 when they're finally done with THEIR exams...a14 sleepover/camp 09
16. hang out a lot with bim/swannie/stepho/trin/zwing (HOORAY)/racho
17. celebrate my 20th birthday in a DIFFERENT way this year please,no more crazy house parties
18. finally have scgs reunion with rowe/shu/shan/ryl/marilyn/everyone else at ms goh's
19. watch at least 2-3 GOOD dramas
20. HOW COULD I FORGET.WATCH ALL EPISODES OF WGM WITH KHJ IN IT.
21. distribute copies of BBF to claud/rubez/racho/trin/all other unsuspecting victims
22. READ at least 4-5 amazing books.discover new talented authors! [:
23. maybe stop being sian of gossip girl and continue watching.
24. sleep a lot.
25. NOT eat a lot.
26. complete this list tomorrow.

okay kinda sleepy now.hoping to regain my sleeping pattern (9-10 hours a day and NO PROBLEMS falling asleep) that i lost a few days ago.brain is definitely functioning at like less than 1% worth of battery.

hopefully it'll be a GOOD night tonight [: GOOD NIGHT!!! HAPPY SUMMER!!!

i sleep,i wake,i dream,i write.

Thou shalt not fail as a writer
because the very act of writing is the best protection
from the madness of the
world.

- Charles Bukowski -

returning to blog soon! [:

pieces of the life i had before

you tell me i have you
you're there for me too
we're in each other's hearts
each other's lives
but i still miss you
you don't understand
that when i say that
i really mean
that i miss the times
when you were mine
and mine alone.

goodnight.

well,

when you go,
would you have the guts to say
i don't love you,
like i did
yesterday

of all bad scripts,

"I'm in love with her," he said. "Please don't wait up for me tonight. Nor tomorrow, nor the day after."

"I figured." she said. "I figured you weren't quite ready to come home."

"I am not."

"You are free to do as you please."

"I am."

"I know you may never come back."

He sighed. "I most probably never will. Stop doing this to yourself. It is very silly."

She sighed. "Nothing has ever made more sense. But don't mind me. I too, am free to do as I please."

"You are. But don't do this."

"I love you."

"Don't."

"More than you will ever know."

"Then fall out of love with me, I beg you."

Her voice fell with her gaze. "You know that is impossible when it comes to you."

像空气般不存在的存在

I just hope that one day you see me,
and your heart stops
and you realize what you had this whole time.

and our love,like lines so truly parallel
will go on forever
but never meet.

이노래는진실했던사랑이야기.

haven't been around.

i've been very present on facebook and not very present here,so whoever's reading or hoping to read stuff not related to BBF,i'm sorry for not updating! but at least i didn't write a 10000 word long post on kim bum or something.which is worse?

school's pretty busy and my head's pretty occupied thinking and dreaming,that's why i haven't blogged for a pretty long time.but you can totally check out what i'm up to on facebook.i practically live on facebook now.

anyway just a quick update,but i'm having a little egoistical moment now.one of the many,i know.i always get this sense of achievement when i read The Secret Blog aka A Story of A Mind.i am,when i'm not writing about contrived shit,a really awesome writer. [: one day when i get old and am waiting to die,i will publish all the entries in a book and you guys can read it and agree with me.

okay cut the crap.i love him.

kim bum (:

sometimes love just ain't enough?

even through watching the most unrealistic korean dramas,one can learn several important lessons which to me,love guru,are absolutely vital to real life understanding:

1. you may never marry your soulmate,as beautiful an idea it may be.
2. we all have choices of who we want to be with.and all these choices may be great.the tough part is finding the one that best fits you and you alone.
3. it's nice to have choices,but when all these choices want to be with you,you will always end up hurting someone since you can only make one choice.
4. sometimes it's best to not have choices,because then you can't really get that confused when you have to choose between two or more fantastic guys,upon which you have to hurt all but one of them.
5. when you are indecisive or just a player,you most likely will end up hurting the one you love the most,even if you're not sure who it is at that moment.
6. that's because the one you actually love the most,probably loves you the most too.
7. when you love someone too much that that person fills your entire history,it's hard to find someone else who is willing to take that person's place,even if that person will never be with you.
8. it is better to not hold on so tightly to things in life,because when #7 occurs,it is almost impossible to reverse its effects on your life.and you never know how to love another without thinking of that first person.
9. it is possible to love more than one person at one time,or so it seems.choices do abound.for now most of our stories haven't drawn to any close,nobody is married to anybody yet.anything could happen.but we need to make up our minds just how much the girls/boys in our past mean to us,so that we will learn to let go for the good of our futures.
10. but this thing i don't know yet..since i've never watched a korean drama that tells me the answer.only God knows for now,but i've always wondered,what happens if one girl/boy in your past means too much to let go...but a fairytale ending is not going to happen?

what happens then?

how far can i wander

how far can i wander
when your face is his face
your eyes like his eyes
he's smiling for me, when
he doesn't know me
but because you did,
he might have loved me
his gaze upon me like
how you gazed down at me
i love him only
as i loved you only

how far can i wander
when your name is my destination
every street sign refusing
to let me leave this secret place
and i wander in hopes of getting lost
of losing you,
leaving you behind
walking away like you walked away
pretending i know where i'm going
but really
i have no where else to go

You
are
my
home.

please don't move away before i can get back.

the fear you won't fall

I know you're scared that I'll soon be over it,
That's part of it all, part of the beauty
Of falling in love with you,
Is the fear that you won't fall
It hasn't felt like this before,
It hasn't felt like home for you

And I know it's easy to say,
But it's harder to feel this way,
I miss you more than I should,
Than I thought I could,
Can't get my mind off of you

And I hate the phone,
But I wish you'd call
Thought being alone was better

Thought I could,
Can't get my mind off you.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

beautiful show.i finally got down to watching and i really really loved the concept.the cinematography.the way it was translated into film and story.amazing.michel gondry is like a master.to be able to use visual methods to convey certain emotions and journeys so accurately and creatively is so admirable.i am blown away.

also very tired,and not dying anytime soon contrary to prior belief. [: things are looking up.

"i'm just afraid i will spend my whole life waiting for you.and you never come back."

facing the road home

i may be sick.not a cough cold flu kind of normal sick.sick as in,really sick inside.i can't even describe the feeling.i don't know if there's anything really wrong with me.as much as i wish it's just my imagination,something isn't right.i can ignore it,but it's there.in my breathing,in my heartbeat.

i'm not scared,since i can't even imagine what could be the problem.i don't even know where to start.it's so dismissable i may one day forget about it.or it could be a major thing.i could just go suddenly,unexpectedly.i don't know.at least i know where i'm going,and all the good stuff that's coming.the people (and very important person) i'll be meeting,a beautiful home to return to.

the only thing i actually want to know,is whether anyone would notice if i was gone.

forever.

the emo song.

what if i fall and hurt myself

would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
'cause without you things go hazy

do you know greater love than this?

you really never know.

just watched 'definitely maybe' and it was actually pretty good! it really made me realize that at the end of all this struggle and confusion we're going to wind up as parents to kids who may just want to know all the shit we went through finding the person we finally love for the rest of our lives, and then we're going to have to recount everything we're going through now to them and tell them the story of how we met their dads/mums.a very scary thought indeed,the way the movie put it.quite aptly though.we just go through so many different relationships with so many possible outcomes over the years.we never know what's coming until we get there.then we'll breathe,hopefully,a sigh of relief and go 'ohhhhh so he/she turned out to be the one'.very scary.

i mean the way ryan reynolds recounted each of his ongoing love stories over the course of his life to his daughter made me just think about what it would be like telling my story one day with the end already known to me.without worry of who it might be,because it'll,hopefully again,be a happy ending..just telling it and being happily nostalgic instead of painfully clueless,as i am now.it makes me think about all the relationships i've gone through and wonder myself who on earth would emerge winner at the very end.then i can tell all my stories in peace without worrying 'what if he's the one!!!!'.i always think of the worse case scenarios actually.so it's a very harrowing experience,telling a story without an end that i'm sure of.

most of you have heard my very interesting stories on life and love.i just hope that one day i'll be able to tell you the full thing,and tie it up nicely with the most beautiful ending even you couldn't imagine.the stuff God thinks up and creates perfectly in real life. [:

on a very random side note,this was possibly my favourite quote from the movie,where april describes a guy she meets on a beach in crete:

"he was brooding and sexy,monosyllabic and totally my type."

besides the fact that this is [SPOILER ALERT!!] the girl/bestfriend ryan reynolds has been in love with all the while (which scares the shit out of me for reasons some of you will know) and that she also walks away from this guy she was talking about in the quote because she realizes at that point that she loves ryan reynolds and returns home to him (which also scares the shit out of me due to a reason related to the previous one)...

i'm kinda in love with a guy just like that now myself.

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you will throw my way
and i'm hanging on
to the words you say
You said that I will
will be okay

to the last breath i draw,and beyond

it is a funny,vulnerable feeling.
to see something awesome,but not have the urge to pick up your phone and message that person about it immediately.
to be bored out of your mind on a smothering afternoon,yet have no one readily in mind to call out.
to hear one of those feel good love songs playing in the background,but have absolutely no clue who you're supposed to think of.
to no longer be finding reasons and conversation topics to talk to that person about,possibly every second of the day.
to not exceed your message or call time limit,for the first time in years.
to sit on the bus alone and to really be,in every essence of the word,be alone.
to see other people being together and loving it,but no longer thinking,if only a miracle happened to me too.
to no longer know what i want.

the largest bowl of mash.

i've just consumed what was possibly the most amount of carbohydrate in the past hour.thanks to my mouth's unfortunate inability to chew anything harder than liquid/mush/mash,i should be thankful for the huge bowl of mash potato i just had.am still in screme now relishing in paul's very nice present of fullhouse WITH english subtitles.although it can't play on my ipod,it's still one whole item of my wishlist! hooray!

2 more hours till my next class sheesh.the sleep monster is slowly attacking..not that it hasn't been trying to devour me for the past 4 hours since i had to wake up for FA.FA is quite crazy,but not as mind bogging as biz law yet.perhaps i should be good and go to the library to study..either that or the driving booklet.etrial is tmr omg.i'm so not prepared.

okay too full to think now.am exploding.imploding.not sure.byee.

someone numb the pain.

today two things were hurting.my entire set of teeth,and my heart.

i'm not sure which hurt more.

this is my damn secret.

1. i always thought that we owed the people we secretly loved a duty of care to let them know the horrifying truth one day,so that in their saddest and most lonely moments they would remember that there was indeed at least one person who thought they were worth it.

2. i never dared to tell you earlier,because out of all the rest i thoughtlessly informed,the thought of you knowing and never talking to me again was something i would spend many years preparing myself for but never getting any more ready.

3. i risked it all because it would have made me happy if i were in your shoes,i thought,and when i finally did it i was trembling up to my fingers and tears were threatening to run down my face.

4. i don't think it made you happy,although you tried to tell me that it did.it made me feel sad because i had sold my secret for no return,and now i had nothing left to cherish and protect.and what i had been guarding all these years apparently meant nothing to begin with.

5. i did cry,in the end.

6. tomorrow we will go back to normal,and you wouldn't know the difference.

a few things not to do this year.

making promises to self to do certain things in the new year is possibly one of the lamest and stupidest things to do.next on that list of stupid things to do when a new year rolls around is to wish people happy new year because if you think about it you're feeling all wonderful and friendly just for that magical hour after the clock strikes twelve but when you wake up the next day nothing has changed at all,really.the smiles and hugs and screaming hasn't improved a thing at all.the hour after new years arrives is enchanted.people stop regretting things of the year before,stop hanging on to long-standing inhibitions and just give it all up for that one hour of merry making.i have to admit falling prey to the magic of new years last night.or almost doing so.but being the stubborn/self-controlled person that i am,i got over it before i could sell my soul to the night and woke up with a massive hangover,but no life change.

i crafted my new years message to my friends carefully,along the lines of what i really felt were important whenever a new year comes.all that whizzlefizzle about losing 10 pounds and getting a GPA of 4.0 just falls flat because nobody really remembers these things.how on earth do you do that when the 365 days of the year are choke full of a variety/combination of problems,new people,projects,heartbreaks and eye candy.likes,loves,wishes,hopes,dreams.the human mind wasn't programmed to actually remember all that stuff said on the very first day of the year! it's probably the LEAST remembered day of the year in fact.

so here are a few things i wish NOT to do this year,based on what i DID last year,at least i have one whole year's worth of past experience to scare me into doing the right thing this year:

1. not to procrastinate when it comes to driving.made a 1% effort last year and that was proven not good.
2. not to be anyone's emotional backup plan.don't always be the good samaritan!
3. not to be so forthcoming and open (and dramatic) about how i feel,because it only comes back to haunt you when you change your mind.
4. not to forget that in everything God has some great divine plan,as miserable and unchangeable as some life situations may be.
5. not to be so hypochondriatic.trust God more and worry a whole lot less.
6. not to miss the moments that could change your life by being afraid of losing out in active participation of them.i'm still wondering if i should have said something last night.
7. not to lose myself in my work at smu.which means abandoning the friends who matter and being too sian to go to church.
8. not to be a complete spaz in front of certain people.
9. not to be too confident or too unconfident.just enough confidence is apparently sexy.
10. not to get emotionally involved with anyone at all.but at the same time,never stop dreaming.

oh yes i think lucas might want me to add this..

11. NOT TO SPOIL ANYMORE GADGETS.very very very very important.

by the way,by the divine power of God,my dead laptop battery/charger miraculously resurrected at the start of smash preparations yesterday afternoon.hallelujah worthy or what! btw,SMASH was pretty darn good. [:

getting over you.

even if it takes forever
i get my shit together
yes dear
i'm getting over you.

thought that was a pretty neat line from the click five.though i just spoke to kahpoh about something similar and i concluded out loud that i will be happy to never blow out the tiny candle that i still have burning somewhere in me for you.

am dead tired.

an empty life.

everybody else is having their last flings before school restarts,and once again i have found myself sitting aimlessly and half pondering what life is about instead of having some fun myself.i thought i missed school last week when i was bored and depressed.but now that i finished SMASH stuff with robyn last night and managed to get started with the BTT book,everything seems to be sinking into dread and purposeless wondering all over again.i don't even want to go back to school.i think i'm just really tired of living.it's another depressing night with an even more pathetic dinner.

christmas reds greens and blues.

i've been feeling quite down over the past few days.a variety of factors really.plus i'm stressed out by smash and stuff that's been happening over the past few days.a lot of negative energy dampening my spirits.when people close to you are visibly unhappy,when the things you used to keep you feeling alive are pretty much gone..when you see other people being happy,like fairytales playing along unaffected outside your window,how do i not sit here lonely and on the brink of miserable?

there is no christmas mood for me this year.i didn't get anyone presents,so please don't be disappointed.i just don't know what to do for people anymore.i used to be so excited and full of ideas and hopes of proving how thoughtful i could be with gift choices,but my melancholic state is doing any good for me this holiday season.

alot of unusual problems and situations are plaguing my life right now.unwelcome ones too.the kind of things that you just want to sweep out the door and pretend they never existed.death,hatred,sickness,true loneliness.who wants to deal with issues related to these? we all love to complain and philosophize about life,love,mystery..neglect the blessing of health,fancy ourselves pitiful and dramatic.all that jazz..people like TC remind me that i really am lame.because i sure do sound pretty lame,looking back at how frivolous my imagination can be.

yet i don't know what else makes my world spin,being the way i tend to be.looking at the lost state i am in,i'm really not sure what else i thrive on besides the silly pitiful things in an unrealistic perception of life.

but i,

finally finished buliangxiaohua! not bad at all.fairytale sweet as usual.i've been examining my own life however.it's strangely unstable,as much as i try to take control.perhaps it's because all my confidantes are too busy enjoying the holidays.don't really know what i can say here actually.sometimes i feel as though this space of mine has been invaded by people i wish had no idea about my personal life.thus i'm going to privatise this blog.i remember reading someone else's remark..that as you grow older you start regretting being so open.i'm turning 20 in half a year's time.i'm no longer a young hopeful child waiting to be heard.it's time to be exclusively my own.

a life in love with You.

freely You gave it all for us

surrendered Your life upon that cross
great is the love poured out for all
this is our God
lifted on high from death to life
forever our God is glorified
servant and King, rescued the world
this is our God

next week's schedule.

next week is surprisingly busy! now that im not sick or have stuff like episcleritis in my eyes..or severe addictions to taiwanese dramas..i am finally getting OUT THERE.fb is going to have MORE PHOTOS finally!!(:

this is my schedule.so that whoever wants to grab some time can grab at the right time.

15th/monday: ben's christmas day with 大姐! (:
brunch @ yongtaufoo place 11-12
pasarmalam @ tampines 1-2, meet trinette
more shopping @ city plaza 2-3
food hunt @ geylang 3-5

16th/tuesday: currently free in the afternoon if not feeling hardworking
go down to settle driving @ ubi 10 30, with swan
very possibly do SMASH homework @ home
OR supposed to go out with steph @ somewhere at sometime
FC meeting @ church 7 30-late

17th/wednesday: shop and buy cake!
shopping madness @ bugis, with trinette
blading @ ecp with swan/huey/steph?

18th/thursday: pa's birthday!!
may want to watch the sunrise together @ ecp
go eat carrot cake/prata @ katong
go back to sleep @ home
high tea @ some fancy place
family time @ home
watch movie @ late night

19th/friday: mum's birthday!!
christmas shopping @ town, whole day

20th/saturday: otherwise relatively free
christmas play @ church 4-7 (who wants to go?)
supper @ nearby with whoever goes with me

21st/sunday: another christmas party to host
morning service @ church
class christmas dinner @ home

rowena flores, take your pick baby.

天天对你说我有多爱你!

romantic wedding afternoon.

surprisingly nice photograph outside the church.

my absolute favorite photograph.

strangely interesting picture.

with the decorated banisters.

my future maid of honor. (:

the girl on skates returns.

emotional,says huey.

had fun with huey,swan and royce (:

better than going blind.

"Episcleritis is an inflammatory condition of the connective tissue between the conjunctiva and sclera known as the episclera.  The eye's red appearance makes it look similar to conjunctivitis, or pink eye, but there is no discharge or tearing.  It is a relatively benign condition that has few complications and is usually self-limited. It usually has no apparent cause and is more common in women."

looks like im not going blind after all.but it's back to glasses for the next few days..and the christmas parties are just starting.i shan't complain so much though.to be able to see and have beautiful eyes is already something to be thankful for. (: thank God for taking away the redness too.off to rest my eyes now!!

my eyes hurt.

gossip girl.bu liang xiao hua.damn long email writing.my eyes really hurt now.going to sleep already.hope i can sleep in a bit longer tomorrow.wonder what is happening with wonder's reunion.i also think that steph is returning tomorrow.thus i await with great anticipation.swan is also free to meet me.looks like there will be an a14 reunion this friday.amazing.i can't wait. (: sam is also back from US next week.david is also back from egypt.more bu liang xiao hua.more xiao niang re.better go sleep now because tomorrow will be better. [:

the morning after.

i'm suddenly afraid of meeting people.especially after what i did to my hair.i regret yet i don't regret.i did hate the messiness of my mad hair,but at the same time..i kinda miss it now that my hair's all neat and possibly unflattering.here's an excerpt of my email to zwing this morning.

"i'm not so sure if neat hair is the thing for me.i feel so super mild now too.like my own force of character has somehow disappeared behind a cloak of straight hair.the whole demure look is not working to my advantage when it comes to assertion of self.sigh.HOW."

cham ah.i HAD to do it.yet now that it's kinda permanent for the time being..i'm not sure if this is what i want.aiyo.TWO reunions this week too..dearest wonderline is planning our 4PR gathering for *gasp* this wednesday..and i've somehow managed to gather the class for my *gasp* cell christmas party this friday..and i have to meet clement and robyn tomorrow for FC meeting omg!!! CHAM AH.really CHAM AH! now i have to deal with even more comments about my hair and this and that and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

i've brought this upon myself.i don't want my old hair back.but i don't really love this new hair EITHER.怎么办呢!?!?!

but one thing to be happy about is that the 不良笑花 show is damn funny.both dean fujioka (i think) and pan weibo are like 超帅.i don't care how piangster i've become.我太爱他们了!! i also have a thing for yang cheng lin.it's scary but true.as annoying and act cute as she is..she actually really is quite endearing.okay enough taiwan talk.i keep speaking chinese nowadays too.this should have occurred 2 years ago during my chinese A level oral.sadly it didn't and i still remember talking crap to the examiners.from distinction in O levels to merit leh (or was it pass..).my tongue will never get used to chinese la.

okay it's like 2.30 now.need to sleep so that i can face the rest of the week.better brave and awake than discouraged and exhausted. :|

ta. [:

friday night lights.

am going to finish ISWAK tonight.so that i FASTER get started with ISWAK TWO which i heard is so much better.omg.if only i had known they'd spend the entire 20 episodes playing hard to get.i would have just started with season 2 instead of painfully witnessing joe cheng's extremely stoned out character being cold to ariel lin's cute but really dumbass one.wth la.it's beyond unrealistic can.i cannot believe they GOT MARRIED by the end of that really shitty courtship.ugh.but at least they have something to think about.i on the other hand,am not so blissfully alone on a friday night,having spent a morning with a distracted rachel ho and once again going solo for lunch,going home to be pretty much left to my ISWAK,aiya just hanging around by myself.i never really feel bored doing it,but whenever i'm loading something to watch i do feel the sianness of it all.wait so long.i bet everybody is outside having a life whilst i'm inside fighting a cold and wondering if the mosquito bite i picked up today is going to give me dengue.oh gosh.

holidays are pretty sad indeed.

now i can relate to david archuleta.

Do you catch your breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do?
超帅! (:

breakfast at rachel's.

i finally made it out of the house today thanks to ms tan huishuang.i'm really tired out now,after exploring haji lane and ending up back in town by mid-afternoon.may go sleep now so that i can wake up early to find rachel in the morning.perhaps life is returning to normal.or that i'm forcing myself to not be so lazy because she's flying off on 6th and not coming back till almost a month later or something.i'm going to miss her...not that i see her so often.but she's my bestfriend.i love her and will put in the extra effort to get out of the house to see her.

i really like the david archuleta song (thanks lucas!!).i don't even know why.i don't relate to it at all.but the tunes so addictive haha.

going away-ay-ay-ayee-ay.like all my friends.i miss zwing,sam,david and rachel already.

but i will make next week fun,just to enjoy the holidays a bit.

monday: do hair? with hs and trin.
tuesday: robyn's faraway house! with clement and rubez.
wednesday: more FC stuff.
thursday: prepare for cell party.
friday: cell party!
saturday: john's wedding
sunday: either flea market with hs or yc carnival.

i dare you to move like today never happened.

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself
Where you gonna go
Where you gonna go
Salvation is here

i am mad.

i'm so incredibly proud of my latest secret blog post that i just have to beautify this blog with a bit of whatever can be shown.going to have an early night otherwise(: church tomorrow!

enjoy.

"This represented...a seismic shift once again in the way he viewed her. It was time for her to go. And, more importantly, it was time for him to stop loving her. He just wished someone could show him how."

i should be sleeping soon if i want to get sufficient rest for tonight.borrowed 8 books from the library to keep me happy and reading for the next 3 weeks or so till christmas.falling sick for sure,throat feels odd,like a wind is passing through,bringing something like a cold along with it.very soon.just hope it isn't serious.but i had to miss tonight's lowest key event.the one i had been looking forward to.there goes yet another chance to pull an all-nighter with my friends.but i'm not young anymore i guess,no more testing my limits.no more supply of peers to hang out with through the night,to talk deep to.

whatever it is,i am growing old.today in the library i felt awkward heading straight for the adult section,since i never used to do so.adult fiction never interested me too much.teenage fiction was safe,cutesy,simple.but when i tried going upstairs to look for a 'young adult' book,i realized that looking for a truly mature yet unexplicit book was going to be a massive task.it's either this or that.i couldn't take stories about 13-16 years olds anymore..but at the same time i still hate stories about married/divorced people (with kids).i really hate stories about grownups with their own families.there should be a corner for people like me,no longer juvenile,but not ready to face the realities of being an adult.i'm 19.i'm at the crossroads of my life.i need stuff to make me think and agree with,yet stuff that challenges my thinking just enough,not blows my mind.

i just told rachel.now i have to read stories about people who are unmarried,without kids,and are lonely.just like me really.perfect.

last night i was so preoccupied chatting that everything profound in my silly little mind more or less diffused into nothingness,or went to hide cleverly in the least bothered corners of my brain...

how do i cure this loneliness? i know it is there no matter how busy i am.no matter how cynical i am...i know i am lonely.but the world's cure to loneliness just doesn't appeal to me.get attached.be emotionally dependent...this can't be all there is to it,can it.

...i don't want anything more from them.i don't want the cure of relationship.i appear to want to live like this forever,problem and solution parallel,never meeting.i am lonely,but i don't want the cure.

why?

...love is wretched thing.not meant for complicated,dramatic,fragile people like me.with me love is intense,frustrating,challenging,insane...exhausting.my love seems to erode the human soul,tear down even the strongest man,render even the wisest tongue silent.i am a force of nature.like the wind,ever-changing,sometimes still and non-existent,at other times raging like an uncontrollable tempest.i hurt people in the process of trying to be with them.

perhaps i am meant to be alone.

goodnight,my darlings.

a case of heroes.

going to sleep already,but cannot wait to watch episode 10 of the embarrassing WHY WHY LOVE tomorrow.what can i say,it's really cute and romantic!!exactly what i'm a sucker for.

slack is the new black.i seem to be very good at doing nothing at all.also hanging out with sam tmr,probably at siglap since he lives there,and i may want to eat the yongtaufoo again :P actually wanted to have lunch with ben,but both my brothers seem to be incredibly good at not being at home.besides that,i'm also too lazy to get out of the house otherwise.

i'm kinda incoherent now because my brain's gone stupid from all the WHY WHY LOVE nonsense,but i was really sad just now when the internet died.i don't know if i was being all dramatic again,thus i did try to control it and not like tell a million people about my supposed misery..but it did make me think and feel of a lot of things.supper with MJ last night reminded me that we have a head to think and a heart to feel,so we shouldn't keep trying to do neither in fear of being hurt or getting complicated.i'm a thinker,a feeler,an expresser.sometimes i guess being so intense does hurt the people around me.because whilst i'm good at flying into a dramatic whirlwind and quickly returning to normal,my family and friends can't take so many shocks and don't recover quite so quickly from my instability.i'm a hazard,really.

i can't and shouldn't complain about not having a hero to willingly come and listen to whatever i decide should burden my heart,but at the same time i'm not sure if such a person even exists besides God.my true hero who always saves the day.today when i was sad i thought about why i didn't have a hero,and felt very lonely,yet it wasn't so much a question of lament as it was a self-reflective thing.i don't actually want anyone to bother about me and my crap,i don't want to hurt any more people with my tempestuous behavior.i change my mind fast about relationships,i make harsh decisions about them,i have some really whacked out concepts about how to deal with them..MJ does marvel at the amount of philosophy i churn out about friendship.sigh.i need to feel in control when it comes to such unpredictable things.i don't like the feeling of being tossed to and fro wherever the tide may turn.i'm a fighter.

fighter.thinker.feeler.

it's best not to come too close.

things to think about.

1. christmas presents

2. december schedule
3. parties to hold
4. goals for next year
5. clearing away term 1 stuff
6. doing hair
7. christmas clothes
8. rain & rach
9. all the love and pain in the world
10. you

don't know why i do.

can't you tell that I'm terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied
by you?

anyway,

i am going to sleep as soon as i finish blogging.today was friday,my little nyonya drama has not started,and therefore my expectations of having at least one thing to look forward to were crushed at precisely 9 pm and my week has been nothing but a mindless cycle of reading tons of biz law material,trying not to get distracted,memorizing a million facts about remedies and vitiating factors and the ever annoying torts,fighting to concentrate and not sleep (which was rather futile at first),hating twc,forcing myself to stop msn-ing/facebooking/msg-ing instead of reading the criminally boring twc notes (which was rather futile throughout),planning my study schedule and surprisingly keeping quite on track..in conclusion,the week was half holiday,half concentration camp.i do hope it's meant to be that way,or i'm kinda screwed for my exams,which start on monday (dread dread dread) and end of wednesday 11 am (i insist on being so precise, since it's such a lovely occurence for it to end BEFORE THE AFTERNOON).ohhhmygosh.and my little nyonya show starts on tuesday!which is gossip girl day!JOY!

okay actually i wanted to blog about the people who are my legacy since i was talking to steph about it today but i'm in no disposition currently to sound affectionate and convicted about my wonderful friends because i'm falling asleep.i will make a list,however,so that i can talk about them next time.

1. rachel
2. david
3. steph
4. trinette olive low

conditional acceptance,for some reason,

4. swan
5. hot sam
6. zwing
7. chook
8. robyn

on waiting list,

8. bimbo tan hs

there's actually alot more that i can think of now but where's the exclusivity in that ;)

email.

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about God. One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the dad shot the mum, right in front of the child. Then, the dad shot himself. The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church. On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, 'Does anyone know who this is?' In response the little girl said, 'I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died.'

I don't know whether the story's true or not, but it sure is touching. And I totally believe in Jesus.

to our many years of love,baby

i know you love cheesy.that's why you are my reason.

a masked affair.

masquerade
paper faces on parade

And I'm
Screaming into the dark
Searching for an answer
Where do I go from here
And I'm standing still
But I can't catch my breath
Or running fast as I can
But going nowhere
Where do I go from here

-marie digby-

soirée*(:

TBL's annual Christmas party is coming, and a lot of you are invited.

*soirée |swa-reh| an evening party or gathering, typically in a private house, for conversation or music.

the tort of nothing makes me something.

today was quite a successful day of biz law mugging.i am going round in circles with torts,remedies,damages,vitiating factors in my desperation to learn all the new stuff.i also think i have forgotten all the pre-midterms stuff.have 7 days to somehow wing it by monday's exam.cannot wait to be done with that.and twc of course,which is a whole lot more boring but not as stressful.not that biz law itself is not kinda sian.

okay my brain is done with words like ab initio/restitutio in integrum/non est factum/ex parte/prima facie ect cetera ect cetera.i cannot bring myself to read my misrepresentation or torts notes.

i should go to sleep or something.

domokunnnn!(:

who you are to me

i know i haven't been talking to you very much,or reading your letters.i go about my day thinking about alot of things,but i don't really think about you.i know i haven't been meeting up with you or our friends too often,and in fact i dread it quite a bit because you always arrange meetings so early in the morning when i want to just sleep in.we've had such a history together,sometimes i take you for granted knowing you'll always be there for me.all i have to do is call and ask.you'll do anything for me.i know i'm such a bad friend to you.talking to everyone else,assuming you know everything.assuming whatever i have to say is not of any importance to you.i neglect you,put you aside,let you do your own thing whilst i do mine.i message you once or twice a day,telling you i still love you,still need you.yet i never call to talk properly,never set aside time to prove that you mean anything to me.although you do.you are in the deepest corners of my mind,because no matter how busy i am,no matter how far i fall apart from you,what you did for me will never cease to be of such great magnitude.i'm not a fantastic friend i know.i ought to live eternally indebted to you.but i don't act as though i am alive only because of you.you are the sun that shines upon me,the rain that cools my day,the unfailing friend who waits for me day and night.your love is beautiful,unconditional and amazing.you never give up on me,and even though i treat you like you're dispensable you still answer my calls when i'm desperate or miserable.you embrace me for who i am in everlasting love even if all i deserve is a slap across my face for my insolence and disrespect for you.the others will tell you not to take me back for all that i have done that speaks contempt of you,but you silence them,reaching out a hand to me and asking me to come.to put all my hurts and wrongs down and find forgiveness,to leave the life i regret behind and just come back home to you.in you i will find my rest,my peace,and all the love that i have been looking for.then everything i've been questioning will make sense.everything i've wanted to know,you will tell me,and i will finally listen and hear your still small voice.

don't speak.

am utterly exhausted.no more ltb journal! just have to finish the CSP portfolio thing tomorrow,edit acad writing essay,and i'm FREE to mug!

was also getting a bit miffed talking about certain things with TC.the same feelings of indignation and anger at predestination welling up inside.i don't think i trust God very much these days.i'm evidently not showing any trust,for starters.i can't find that peace in me to say,i trust God knows what i desire.or at least i can't say it without suspecting he may have some sort of funny plan that makes me change my mind about certain things and end up accepting stuff i really do not desire.which sounds stupid and completely ungodly.but i can't help but think that he's capable of it.it's just scary to think about the possibilities.this is all TC's fault.which boils down to it being my fault.

argh.life is so full of shit! i'm like both happy and upset all at the same time.over different issues.ugh.stupid!stupid stupid stupid!!!

i am so full of shit too.hrrmpph.

i'm suddenly confused over what i want from life.besides to not remain as the pathetic loser i am now.

you really ought to hear about what my REAL life is all about.when i remove all the glamour from daily rantings,i'm a fool.a fool with some very idiotic acquaintances and circumstances.

i roll my eyes at everything lame.

no thanks.

This is the way you left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

who we are.

some of us are young and learning.loving.hoping.dealing with.being sad.feeling things you've never felt about someone.some of us are just living for that moment,to just catch a glimpse of that one person in that one place.to muster up the courage to walk over and say hello,i could love you one day.some of us are hiding our emotions,refusing to give them the time of day,dismissing that emptiness as completely lame and unimportant.when deep inside you know who you're missing.some of us are haunted by the past and just want to move on,want to make a clean break.but meet people who remind us of those we are hoping to forget,and are scared to make the mistakes we made again.some of us are relearning love,laughing and leaning,tilting,falling.staring into each other's gaze and on one side, at least, there's dying inhibitions.some of us are growing closer,finding unexpected friendship,realizing that the other isn't so bad.some of us are delusional,silly,fools in waiting,not knowing that the time has passed and will never return.some of us realize it,some of us don't.some of us are discovering other worlds,venturing,daring and moving in circles we never thought we'd see ourselves in.some of us have lost ourselves in the wild crowd,in the midst of liquor and music.some of us have forgotten God,or at least haven't bothered keeping in touch as much as before.some of us feel bad,some of us don't.some of us are so caught up with our own lives,meeting the demands of others,filling our time with mindless activities.it's a mess and it's complicated.we want out but the exits are missing.either we have no life,or this is life.some of us are tired and moody,avoiding the questions on where we have been,leaving who we once were behind,unanswered for.suddenly i am horribly afraid of who we have become.

www.handwritingwizard.com

Joanne is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes.

Joanne will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls Joanne an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other.

When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Joanne is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story.

Joanne is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Joanne doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Joanne will be candid and direct when expressing her opinion. She will tell them what she thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want her opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Joanne's mental abilities, she has a very investigating and creating mind. She investigates projects rapidly because she is curious about many things. She gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but she soon must slow down and look at all the angles. She probably gets too many things going at once. When Joanne slows down, then she becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, she must slow down to do it. She then decides what projects she has time to finish. Thus she finishes at a slower pace than when she started the project.

She has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. Her mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. She can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Joanne can then switch into her low gear. When she is in the slower mode, she can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. She is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Joanne is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Joanne basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Joanne is very self-sufficient. She is trying not to need anyone. She is capable of making it on her own. She probably wants and enjoys people, but she doesn't "need" them. She can be a loner.

autumn passing.

if you'd meet me halfway,
if you would meet me halfway
it could be the same for you

all these days i've been with you
you've never been with me
life is turning grey and white
the leaves have fallen off the tree

though i've tried to keep it strong
and say that i'm alright
i chose the path less traveled
now you waste my day and night

autumn's passing, summer's gone
the sky's a dying blue
yes, i want to be alone but
i always cheat on myself with you.

oh how you bring tears to my eyes because you remind me of what i have been doing to myself.do i really live out my rejection by putting myself in positions whereby i am always kept at arm's length or carelessly pushed away - because this is how i expect to be treated? has this cruelty become a habit and a self-inflicted punishment for the incompetence i feel? do i gawk at the kindness the others show to me and repel myself from such grace because i do not believe i deserve it? i watched the nanny and listened to her shrink tell her that the other day,and it dawned on me that i too am putting myself in the place of least unconditional love and acceptance.i have been running from it my whole life.

sunkissed.

am i living the consequences of your rejection of me?

it's never gonna be that simple.

i wasted a weekend.or at least a day.so restless.omg.cannot do nothing.feel like i've got tons to do.so although i'm completing some work,as long as i'm not up to my neck and drowning in work,i feel so emptied out and wayward.sigh.don't know why i'm this waste-time these few days ever since workload lightened a bit.like,trying to emancipate myself yet feeling completely awkward doing so.

have i changed? for the worse? neutral? just changed? no longer open and vulnerable and spontaneous and hopeful? but instead hardened,protective,guarded,wary and cynical?

there's never a right time to say goodbye
but i gotta make the first move
cause if i don't you're gonna start hating me
cause i really don't feel the way i once felt about you
it's not you it's me
gotta figure out what i need
there's never a right time to say goodbye
but we know that we gotta go our separate ways
and i know it's hard but i gotta do it
and it's killing me
cause there's never a right time to say goodbye

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.

But if you can't handle me at my worst,

then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

Marilyn Monroe

omg i knew we had a lot more things in common than i suspected we did.

i heart autumn boy.

we grow up
we smash things
spring summer autumn winter
we love each other
we regret each other
truth beauty freedom love
we remember stuff
we pretend to forget stuff
matthew mark luke john
we get together
we break up
attraction selection compassion hate
summer delusion
summer's gone
i.heart.autumn.boy.

(:

under the bed is where it'll stay

life is great.only AS/CT presentations left,and AS exam on sunday.i will perhaps study for that tmr.but today was possibly the best day of 2 weeks.finished up acad last night,watched whose line till 4,woke comfortably up at 12,got fetched to the beach at 2 plus,had lagoon food for brunch/tea,took many happy beach photos with the ltb group minus alex and xt,came back,did devotion,fell asleep till 7,had mum's fantastic laksa,had bible devotion with family which means tomorrow i'm free to go for class gathering,played on facebook,watched 2 hours worth of top model...omg.life is awesome.now am skyping zwing and finally seeing her in like a whole month.

there's this sense of really transitioning into my new life.like really finally understanding and coming to terms with this is who i am as a university student.no longer as clueless as before,2 months ago when all this madness started,but still learning.but it's a habit.it's a lifestyle.i may not love the work i have to contend with,but i'm loving everything else. (:

with new beginnings comes new ends.some of you have heard my contentions earlier this week.nothing that i can really mention explicitly here,but somehow i've come to this point of wreckoning.like,i'm not sure what exactly is going on inside of me that's creating so much havoc and flippant behavior,but something's happening.i don't know.i'm like,moving on so fast it scares me to see how far i've been flung in a matter of a few weeks.i guess i'm either still really immature,or way too mature to bother about things that keep messing me up.it could be my mother's influence.i don't know.it could be huishuang.i still don't know.then again,it could just be me.erratic.unpredictable.dramatic.indifferent.it could be hahaha some-of-you-know-who.i have no idea.

i think this calls for the secret blog.toodles.muah.

how do you sing a one way love song

memory still seems to love you.she sees you the way you used to look.she paints dreams of you the only way she learnt how to.when she thinks about you,she remembers first your eyes,then your hair,then your smile.she has never admitted to loving another but you and you always.nobody else continued to make sense.nobody else who walked with her made a difference.no one made her sob that way.no one else could.

memory compares the girl you finally chose to the girl she'd waited to show up to claim you years ago.memory doesn't know why things had to be that way then,the way they are now.memory doesn't know why you had to leave her behind.memory wouldn't be memory if you hadn't.she would just be empty history,her footsteps ending where you made her your destiny.memory wants to know why you didn't.

but of all the things memory does know,she definitely knows you never loved her no matter what seemed to give you away.

my busy week carries on without a care.

i heart straight hair.

that's enough. (:

hi to stalker.

thanks paul(:

really relay games.

my mind is foggy and i'm full and sleepy.but i will get nightmares if i sleep now before i finish sufficiently digesting my food.sigh.i'm supposed to do relay games i know.am also the last person to hand in the stuff to eliz.argh.today was a day off from work (relatively).had a pretty nice sweet time with the CT dears,as stelly will call us.

anyway.am so tired i can't think.but i just wanted to say hi to all those who stalk my blog. (PAUL TAG OUR PICTURES ON FB!!!!)

hello!!!!!!

and good night.

damn pain!

writing acad essay number 2 was a horrible experience.it is emblazoned in my mind! it is carved upon my being! oh my gosh! deliver me! DELIVER ME FROM THE EDITING I HAVE TO DO TOMORROW AND SUNDAY!

most of all,DELIVER ME FROM THEBIZLAWESSAYTHELTBJOURNALTHEASFALLACYRESEARCHTHETWCMEETINGTHECTMEETINGTHEBIZLAWMAKEUPCLASSTHELTBWORK.

gah.work work work.even when next next week rolls around i'll be mugging my poor un-business-law-ish ass off for the sake of passing the midterms in week 9,where i have TWC/AS/CT/LTB/AW presentations i heard.very wth-ish.that is 5 presentations and ONE MAJORLY DIFFICULT EXAM.

how can they bear to do this to me?! i mean seriously! how?! how!?

HOW!??!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!?

adapted from psalms 18.

I LOVE YOU, O LORD, MY STRENGTH.
THE LORD IS MY ROCK, MY FORTRESS AND MY DELIVERER;
MY GOD IS MY ROCK, IN WHOM I TAKE REFUGE.
HE IS MY SHIELD...MY SALVATION, MY STRONGHOLD...
I AM SAVED FROM MY ENEMIES...
IN MY DISTRESS I CALLED TO THE LORD;
I CRIED TO MY GOD FOR HELP.
FROM HIS TEMPLE HE HEARD MY VOICE;
MY CRY CAME BEFORE HIM, INTO HIS EARS...
THE LORD THUNDERED FROM HEAVEN;
THE VOICE OF THE MOST HIGH RESOUNDED.
HE SHOT HIS ARROWS AND SCATTERED THE ENEMIES,
GREAT BOTLS OF LIGHTNING AND ROUTED THEM...
HE REACHED DOWN FROM ON HIGH AND TOOK HOLD OF ME;
HE DREW ME OUT OF DEEP WATERS.
HE RESCUED ME FROM MY POWERFUL ENEMY,
FROM MY FOES, WHO WERE TOO STRONG FOR ME.
THEY CONFRONTED ME IN THE DAY OF MY DISASTER,
BUT THE LORD WAS MY SUPPORT...
HE RESCUED ME BECAUSE HE DELIGHTED IN ME.
THE LORD DEALT WITH ME ACCORDING TO MY RIGHTEOUSNESS;
ACCORDING TO THE CLEANNESS OF MY HANDS HE HAS REWARDED ME.
FOR I HAVE KEPT THE WAYS OF THE LORD;
I HAVE NOT DONE EVIL BY TURNING FROM MY GOD...
AND HAVE KEPT MYSELF FROM SIN...
TO THE FAITHFUL YOU SHOW YOURSELF FAITHFUL,
TO THE BLAMELESS YOU SHOW YOURSELF BLAMELESS,
TO THE PURE YOU SHOW YOURSELF PURE...
YOU SAVE THE HUMBLE
BUT BRING LOW THOSE WHOSE EYES ARE HAUGHTY.
YOU, O LORD, KEEP MY LAMP BURNING;
MY GOD TURNS MY DARKNESS INTO LIGHT.
WITH YOUR HELP I CAN ADVANCE AGAINST A TROOP,
WITH MY GOD I CAN SCALE A WALL.
AS FOR GOD, HIS WAY IS PERFECT;
THE WORD OF THE LORD IS FLAWLESS.
HE IS A SHIELD
FOR ALL WHO TAKE REFUGE IN HIM.
FOR WHO IS GOD BESIDES OUR LORD?
AND WHO IS THE ROCK EXCEPT OUR GOD?
IT IS GOD WHO ARMS ME WITH STRENGTH
AND MAKES MY WAY PERFECT...
HE ENABLES ME TO STAND ON THE HEIGHTS...
YOU GIVE ME YOUR SHIELD OF VICTORY,
AND YOUR RIGHT HAND SUSTAINS ME;
YOU STOOP DOWN TO MAKE ME GREAT...
YOU HAVE ARMED ME WITH STRENGTH FOR BATTLE...
YOU HAVE DELIVERED ME...
THE LORD LIVES! PRAISE BE TO MY ROCK!...
HE IS THE GOD WHO AVENGES ME...
THEREFORE I WILL PRAISE YOU AMONG THE NATIONS, O LORD;
I WILL SING PRAISES TO YOUR NAME.
HE GIVES HIS KING GREAT VICTORIES;
HE SHOWS HIS UNFAILING KINDNESS TO HIS ANOINTED, TO...
HIS DESCENDANTS FOREVER.

CHAPTER 17!!!

TURN TO ME AND BE GRACIOUS TO ME,
FOR I AM LONELY AND AFFLICTED.
THE TROUBLES OF MY HEART HAVE MULTIPLIED;
FREE ME FROM MY ANGUISH!!!
LOOK UPON MY AFFLICTION AND MY DISTRESS
AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY SINS.
SEE HOW MY ENEMIES HAVE INCREASED
AND HOW FIERCELY THEY WANT ME TO FAIL!
GUARD MY LIFE AND RESCUE ME;
LET ME NOT BE PUT TO SHAME,
FOR I TAKE REFUGE IN YOU.
MAY INTEGRITY AND UPRIGHTNESS PROTECT ME,
BECAUSE MY HOPE IS IN YOU.

REDEEM ME, O GOD,
FROM ALL MY TROUBLES!

adapted from Psalms 25:16-22

maybe i'm having a muscle cramp

my life is very unglam.there is such a lack of variety.where is the slacking.where is the sitting around laughing my head off with my crazy friends.where are my crazy friends..where has my youth gone.my life is pathetic.pathetically busy.my shoulders are feeling really tense now man.i'm not even doing any work.it must be the overusage of the computer that's keeping my hands on the table and fingers moving all the time.this sucks.i want a break.

what sucks even more is that the worst is yet to come.the work is snowballing,in trinette's terms.i am drowning.i am being eaten alive.i am being flattened by an avalanche of presentations,assignments and expectations.

why do so many people however,look as though they're enjoying life like never before? why am i such a loser?!

oh the horror the horror.

thank God for huishuang,stepho and olive though.tauhuay tonight was a good time in a long time.(:

i love my beauty queen!

very very much.

Today I am pretending
that the sky is bright blue
& my mind is light and clear
without you

When deep inside me
the weather is dark & gray
though "I don't love you"
is all that I say

but take a closer look
you'll know my words aren't true
underneath all this pretense
I still do.

life put itself wrongly back together.

dear soul,

i wanted to tell you today that you don't have to be afraid of losing me anymore.

because you've already done so.

no longer yours,
jonk.

maybe life this time won't.maybe i don't want this kind of life.

somehow life all around me as i knew it and thought i knew it is spiraling away from me faster than i can say 'no thanks' to it and the way it's turning out.why's everyone i used to live believing were just the way i was turning out to be very different from anything i could have possibly imagined them being? why am i increasingly not recognizing the life that i live in now?

am i being left behind? set apart? where do i stand in all this?

i'm bombarded with ideas and concepts that today make me feel more like a stranger in my own shoes than a self-actualized/empowered individual.a few of you will know i've been having problems of my own these few days.as i just told claudia,i'm not sure if i'm really this calm and unfeeling towards the whole issue,or if i'm just controlling the tears somewhere inside.i'm not so sure of who i am anymore.i can't pintpoint my exact feelings.i don't know if i'm angry or sad or indifferent.

reading timmo's blog for possibly the first time ever (properly) made me realize that there are alot of people in my life whom i wish i knew better than MSN-based-knowledge.so many people i've made friends with have incredibly interesting stories to tell.life is truly beginning for me at SMU now.there's so many amazing stories out there for me to hear.

sigh.i don't know what to say.

thanks claud<3.

in a few days

i love how the love of my life writes about the most foul and usually un-talked-about activities in one's daily life. (i.e. unfortunate visits to public toilets) i have never been that cracked up listening to darryl's high amused narration of the explicitly disgusting blog of my said love.

okay nicky is making too much noise outside on the drums which are preventing me from waxing more lyrical.mother is also calling me down to mash potatoes.be right back.

figuring the guy who saved me out

what alex (very enthusiastic and friendly ltb member) says is right.i can feel the fibres in me tingling to just get out there and do something.let off some steam.it's either i'm too exhausted from pulling late nights and all day activities or i've gone into autopilot.what a tiring first week.i am spent.uni is exciting yet frightening all at the same time.

circumstances have forced me to sit down and take a good hard look at my faith these few days.quite a few of us are trying to get back in touch with God,especially in this difficult new life we're all forced into.what a journey it's going to be.it's like i'm pushing off from the shore and wading into deeper waters.i want to walk on water with Jesus,but i don't even know where He's taking me.as i've said,it's exciting and frightening.so many new experiences this year,so many new convictions.what a rollercoaster ride for so many of us!

i was talking to darryl and trinette (and a couple of other random people) about what has been burdening my heart these few days.i want to know is why people who know Him aren't loving Him for what He deserves.where has Christianity gone?it's not like i'm a great (as in,perfect) lover of God.but i'm committed to trying as much as i can to surrender my life and live for Him.i know what He's done for me,and i don't ever want to remain the same person i was yesterday or the year before.i want to keep growing even though things at the top get scarier and more daunting.i have to admit as i feel God pulling me up the crazy rock wall like a belayer would,i'm like a bit exhausted and apprehensive.the climb before was such a challenge.i'm not sure if i can go on as it gets even harder.i know God knows what i can do.but i need so much more fuel man.like the stuff they teach us in uni,this new unfamiliar lap is such a giant leap from the usual trials i've gone through.it's forcing me to mature and handle things i once thought were so much larger than myself.

oh gosh.i'm too tired to even blog properly.i've got so much stuff on my mind however.i'm dying to just say - LET GOD CHANGE YOU STOP TRYING TO CHANGE YOURSELF IT'LL NEVER WORK WE'VE ALL TRIED AND FAILED.GOD IS SAYING SON COME BACK TO JESUS.THE DIVINE EXCHANGE IS WAITING FOR YOU.

that was a little explicit and straight forward.but i'm too tired.i don't know how to phrase it nicely in this state of mind.i keep thinking..no one in God's presence can emerge from the encounter the exact same person.meeting God just breaks  you into pieces and leaves you weeping like a child.not in shame as you may think of course.but in utmost gratitude because He took everything you ever did,sent His Son to die in your place,and didn't even blame you one bit.how can you NOT react in the most extreme way upon realizing the extent of His mercy??

i'm probably sounding holy moly.i don't know if i should give a damn to that.here's one of my favourite bookmark messages -

I stood before Jesus and asked Him: How much do you love me Lord? 

"This much." He replied. 

Then He stretched out His arms on the cross and died for me.

give it some serious thought guys.goodnight.

the past.

i forgot we were supposed to act dao.

my FAVOURITE.cos i look the nicest(:

check out my sucky designing skills man.

pretty.odd.

but things do change.

bye bye.

life with jonk is never without the endless drama.sometimes i wonder how my friends handle it,especially those caught in the constant crossfire,swept this way and that with my reckless abandon.some people sit and listen in amazement,others thank their lucky stars they live on calmer seas.i don't know.life is awkward.life is awesome.

have learnt so much over the past weeks as smu life started off with camps,as my social life fluorished naturally with the oddest of companions,things move and change so fast i literally can't catch my breath at times.there are a lot of things to say in regard to certain issues,things i toss over in my mind like an overdone salad,things that nobody really wants to hear.

i don't think even i can catch up with myself.it's secret blog time!

take that bow

i don't know why i like take a bow by rihanna so much.i think the piano part really gets to me.i love the piano part.which is basically the bass of the whole song.today i went to smu for lunch then out with darryl to shop for his new wardrobe.i think i may have succeeded in changing his style a bit.then trinette joined us for our favourite crystal jade lamianxiaolongbao dinner,icecream,quarreled again,then went home after making peace.tomorrow we're going to parkway to do the same stuff.bangkok on thursday!(:

yours mine and ours(:

olive so prettyyyy.

the epitome of stupidity.

we are irony herself tonight

it must be God,literature,irony,..something in my fish noodles.something,anything.

i feel like i've come to the place of peace after those long nights of wondering and pondering,drifting,being in flux.today the randomness of this familiar world has somehow ceased and i'm ready to reconquer the universe of my life.

it's good to be home.

curtain call?

hmm,not having to work is actually a really great concept since i don't have to set my alarm for anything,i don't have to make sure i'm getting enough sleep because i will (with all 24 hours in a day finally all mine),i can make whatever plans i want in the day and not worry if i'm free (because as long as there are no prior plans,of course i'm free).

but,not having to work also has its very bad points such as being available for nagging at as long as i remain at home,wasting away in front of the computer either watching CSI or ANTM,having 4 borrowed books i'm supposed to finish but it seems like iv got all the time in the world so i am not reading like i should be,and if i'm not proactive in creating useful things for my time,nothing happens at all.i'm free and completely wasted.

it happened today,since this whole week i've been more or less just totally free as opposed to last week when i was like just back from bangkok and tying up loose ends in the office,settling into life without work.so yeah,it's friday ALREADY and camp facilitator just called to remind me i HAVE CAMPS all through the next two weeks.am totally DREADING them but i guess what more can i do with myself these days? i ironically need school to pull me back to life.i can't run from it forever.anyhow,little problems such as loneliness and boredom are threatening to trip me into other sorts of larger problems that i really do not want to deal with.want to know what they are? speak to me personally if you're steph,zwing,swan or rachel.otherwise don't bother.

can't say that alot has been on my mind,because it's just filled with CSI/ANTM/FREE TIME,so i'm just making my life up as i go along in some odd manner.and this is the first..or maybe second day that i'm just throwing to the wind.not doing something just feels so wrong.it's like i'm open to all sorts of potential issues just waiting to happen.especially when i'm hearing about people's problems and stuff and i'm forced to somehow reconcile all that to myself and wonder when's my own turn (since i just got out of a few serious ones).like to me,people's problems,though they feel like they could very well be my own,may just one day be mine.and i'm going to have to deal with that.but i think that whole 'in flux' thing and emptiness of emotion's all still here.i'm still suspended in transition,my foot's slightly caught in older issues yet i'm still bravely stepping forth into the future.as a result i'm like going no where at all.i'm not colliding into anything new and refreshing,neither am i wallowing in something old and so over.i can barely believe my life is dramatic anymore.if anything it is dramatically not happening.

i mean life used to be very vibrant and active,things just keep rolling and happening and i used to have to be constantly on the ball.emotions just flowing in and out and through me like fuel keeping the crazy engine of my whole life going.i had great camera moments when people all around me just work together so well and have so much fun together,i had moments when i was very self-aware that i was depressed/sad/moody.but i'm not that sure about myself anymore.i don't know if you'll call that self doubt,but alot of times these few months i'm just a bit of this and that all put together.never too happy,never too sad.except maybe for that one time last week when i was really down and out.but that really sucked.that was a real huge problem,not one that is in some way delightful at all.never want to live through that again.

but it's not like i want to live through my past problems again just because i found certain beauty and memory in them.maybe because they involved people who weren't family,people whom i felt i could write stories about and actually re-read those stories and feel warm even though they weren't always pleasant.remember those painful times fondly yes,but not live through them again.don't think anyone will get what i mean by that,but if you want an explanation,again,speak to me personally.

i'm kinda like an optimist,so i'm not willing to say that hey i concede defeat my life has ceased to exude quality and enigma like it used to.in fact,despite my mounting dread of next week's kill-me-slowly camps,i'm willing to hold faint belief that uni life will fire up my lacklustre life as it is now.meeting up with kl and finding out we're in all our camps together definitely helped alot.knowing that school holds so much promise and energy also helps.being able to finally get out of this holiday thing with its little fevers and delusions is good news too.my mind only has 2 more days to wander.i'm moving on babes! 

teeth have also stopped hurting so much.a little sore still but at least i can more or less eat properly now.last night darryl and i went cycling and stupidly (though half deliberately) got caught in the rain.think it was good though.i loved the quietness of eastcoast (so rare) and the chilly winds that were lingering with the rain,and even the familiar company of my dear best guy friend whom i so love and hate all at the same time.i don't think i've encountered anyone who so truly makes me mad and appreciated one after another in the same sequence.one minute we're goofing off the next he's sulking and i'm pissed off suddenly we make up and he's making me laugh even though i'm appalled at his behavior and then all over again i've hurt his feelings and he's yelling at me which makes me yell back.......over and over and over until we're too tired to say sorry anymore and just sit in weirdly happy silence.it takes so much effort being your bestfriend darryl you better appreciate what i'm doing.

AHHHHHHH should i just be happy with what i'm doing with my pathetic life now??

happy birthday kevin!!!(:

how could i forget the hottest father on TV steph?! hahaha.

anyway it's kevin's actual birthday today.want to wish him a huge happy 21st and i'm so glad it turned out much louder than he expected. (: you totally totally deserve it okay.i didn't plan it but i uh,did try quite hard to produce a worthy present.so i'm hoping you have a great day ahead and plenty of emotional moments whilst reading my book.and good laughs too of course.

my life is full of wonderful people,actually.

why you have to watch gossip girl.

because they play 17 year olds who act WAY older than us 19 year olds AND they're all about our age in real life.mindblowing.

because they each play such unique roles that together form such an intriguing storyline,and make school life look more glamorous than it has ever been.

because they're all so hot and have such great chemistry with each other you wish you had a bunch of friends as camera perfect as they are.

because of hot-hot-hot chuck,who's actually british and is a walking explanation as to why most of us girls just love the bad guys.

God will piece my life back together

at this moment in time i feel as though only an excerpt written some time ago from my God journal deserves to be displayed:

"help me know You,help me listen.help me embrace my freedom.help me love You with all my heart.help me live out Your victory for my life.help me walk only in Your Way.help me be like You.

whatever drought,whatever storm.

i want you to know that i'm holding you firm.

i am your belayer.

fall upon me

i don't scorn you.

i'm here to help you.

where do i start Lord?

what do i do?

my mind is such a mess.

God,don't remain silent...

when God places a burden on you

He has his hands underneath you

Jesus holds my destiny

It's not only about emotions

It's about something far more powerful

that even in an emotional desert

streams of abundance still flow.

trust in God goes deeper than mind,soul and body

beyond every circumstance,every situation.

God knows.God sees.God will do something."

followed by:

Strengthen the feeble hands

Steady the knees that give way

Say to those with fearful hearts

Be strong, do not fear;

Your God will come, 

He will come with a vengeance;

With divine retribution

He will come to save you.

Isaiah 35

and a not so random excerpt from The Duchess of Malfi:

Look you, the stars shine still

Come, be of comfort,

I will save your life.

- Bosola

I love a great God.

I can remember,you know

My story with BCCSC starts on just a regular Sunday on the bus home with Mark and David (cannot remember why else besides the fact that we live in the same neighbourhood). I had been spending my days wondering aimlessly around Singapore looking for some purpose in my post-JC life, hoping never to have to work yet knowing I couldn't hang around like a bum for long without severe self-esteem issues. Working was the new studying for old teenagers my age, and now without any homework to contend with I had no other excuse to put it off. I had, at that point of time, never worked a day in my life of course. I'm, up till now, just a regular straight-to-university student. Macdonald's cashiering is not an option.

I had many intentions on coming to BCCSC to find a job, one of them being church was a comforting familiarity and many of my cell members were finding their places there. Thus when David actually voiced his opinion that I should try out volunteering at BCCSC's student centre, I did not really hesitate to agree. Cutting a long and definitely boring story short, I got in touch with Jacinta and started a short volunteering stint there since I was not given a proper position there as a member of the staff. Somehow or rather, God's divine ways led me to the old conference room of the not-yet-renovated church office and straight into the unknown hands of Mandy and Toonhan. They interviewed me for a position in the Family Department as a Youth Worker, quite unlike my initial conception of working with children alone. I honestly, at that point, had no idea what on earth BCCSC did besides work with children in the centre or elderly living in the blocks around the church. Thus when I accepted the job somewhat dubious of everything I was in for, I was pretty frightened for my life given the fact that my dear new superiors made the youth I was about to meet and work with seem like the scariest ever young teenagers I had never ever known.

Throughout my life I have been fortunate in terms of my family, my studies and my friends. Coming to BCCSC and allowing myself to be exposed to the other side of Singapore, the side my friends and I had never seen, was very much enlightening as it was life-changing. This side of Singapore in the busy heartland of Bedok contrasts drastically against my life thus far of sprawling housing estates, beautiful school campuses populated by the well-to-do and slightly glamorous lifestyles of country clubs and Orchard Road hang-outs. Growing up in purely elite schools like SCGS and VJC, I never got the chance to meet with those who, I mean no offense, don't do well in examinations, land up in schools with less-than-perfect company awaiting, and often find themselves in certain moral dilemmas. It's not that good schools don't have such temptations - the rich simply have a way of keeping themselves out of too much trouble. I never was a part of the group that pushed the boundaries when I was in school, neither was I in an environment whereby my morals were constantly put to the test. At very most I liked wearing my socks way lower than the ankle-high rule.

I met a whole range of youths during my stint at BCCSC - the typical problem youth who (wow) have brushes with the law from time to time, the odd-ball youngsters who are clueless about social behavior, and the little naughty boys who have issues with anger management. Many of these children come from families with pretty severe problems at hand, which give rise to their own behavioral problems. Although I don't know very much about counselling or social work, I learnt that everyone has a need for help, and everyone deserves to be heard and offered a kind hand. No matter how problematic or outrageous a client may be, they still deserve to receive the love of Christ through us. It is not for us to say who is better or worse. I also learnt that social workers really have huge hearts and enormous listening capacity - in other words enduring patience and overwhelming love for the lost and helpless. It has been my true honor to work with and make good friends with such people.

As for my own personal experience throughout the 5-6 months at BCCSC, I will always remember my first day in the under-renovation office. I was nervous and uncomfortable, sitting in the corner of the back conference room that was cluttered with computers and stuff. I remember Toonhan showing me around, making me read those (honestly kinda useless) reports on the programmes run (I couldn't understand a word!!). John came in later and I was pretty scared of him because I didn't know him like I knew Jeslyn and Mary. But things got better when we went to buy food from 85 and he told me about how he met Shirley and his upcoming marriage. When we all moved in to the new office I volunteered to wipe all the tables and help unwrap the new chairs. Mary and I had to move all the old office material back from Hall 2 to the new cupboards - packing could kill! I got my own table, which I happily used as a huge creative space for me and all my unused barang at home. Boy, will I miss that work space.

What else will I take with me when I leave? Perhaps it's the interesting story on how Darryl got his job through my recommendation, or how we loved to explore the room with the ping pong table..maybe how we watched Room 401 in SCC, or how Trinette, Darryl and I had spontaneous monthly Pay Day Dinners (starting with Crystal Jade, followed by Thaipan, Ajisen Ramen, Billy Bombers, and finally Simpang Bedok). Nothing would have been the same without these 2 very special people - one who always gets on my nerves with his crazy antics and sometimes bad temper, but will in the end make me smile when he starts disturbing his dearest Olive Oyl, the other is the delightful brunt of Darryl's teasing and resident whiner who's great to boss around (HAHA) and love tremendously. I love you both dearly, people. It's so sad to see us no longer hanging out after work (or even during work)..no more PDDs and random car rides to eat good food. I won't get to tolerate Darryl's singing in the morning (and every moment he's in the car) or have Trinette make me milo anymore. The Office Fiends is having its very last episode tomorrow when work draws to its rapid end. I had never imagined it making so much difference to my life, but it has. Its imprint is on my life journey forever.

How can I just let you walk away
Just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking
Every breath with you
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me
When all I can do is watch you leave
'Cause we've shared the laughter and the pain
And even shared the tears
You're the only one
Who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
There's nothing left here to remind me
Just the memory of your face
So take a look at me now
'Cause there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me, is against the odds
And that's what I've got to face.

Oh well.

its the season of the secret blog! everyone who's been authorized to go check it out can.if not,don't bother giving yourself a heartattack.

where do i stand?

when i become devoted to a certain thing and its completion/fulfillment,my entire life grinds to an uncomfortable standstill.a stuttering sort of halt,one that stumbles over the force of inertia as i find myself focussing on only that thing,willing it to come to pass so that i can get over it.and i am strangely unable to really forget it before it arrives,and although i do try to get on with life and think about the rest of my duties as a person,i can't.

with the QET i just couldn't have as much fun,be as carefree,be as happy and uninhibited.now with the BK trip looming in 4 days,i can't focus on the things that are even more important actually - preparing to say goodbye to my colleagues in a fashion that is characteristically me,which would involve heartfelt notes and pretty farewell gifts.matriculation tomorrow is already killing me at the thought of it.i want it all to just come and go,go away so that i can live my life in the usual wild abandon.no prepared plans,no idea what will happen,but whatever happens tomorrow i will take up happily because i didn't know about it forehand.especially if its something like the QET,which sucks.i hate tests/interviews/workshops.anything that holds me down.

which is why i have a nagging suspicion as to why i can't seem to just let go of certain issues/persons in my life.because to me there are unresolved matters at hand,things that i have yet to accomplish/find out.things that i want to know so that i can get over whatever they are and move on with my oliving (as replacement of swear word) life.

i don't know if i have a problem,or if its just the lack of one.today during altar call i was seriously wondering if i had a problem at all.because i just feel like i don't have any major ones.nothing that's making me cry at night,burdening me through the day.nothing.state of flux.no motion.no emotion.no long term problems that bug me.maybe having no problems is a problem.i'm just stressed having to consider that school is starting,bangkok trip is coming,work is ending,projects still not complete,life is not totally in order yet.and will not be,i'm guessing,once school starts.so much to get in order.but that's just the way it is.it's not like causing me to go mental (HAHA to all those who know what i mean),or like,be some complete basketcase (as usual).just don't like knowing that things are unresolved.new routines are going to be introduced.shifting out of the old ones that i had just grown used to.i mean,these really aren't world-crashing-down problems.they're just,part of life as it is for me.and the good old me just wants to sit back and not have a care in the world.live on an island and just not care.

anyway tomorrow's monday.start of a rushed and probably damn stressful week.uggghhhh have the monday blues just thinking about it already!!!!!!!!!!i want my retreat!!!!!!!!!!!!i don't want people to make me do anything anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i want to be FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

rest.relax.rejuvenate.retreat.revive.

i'm not exactly in the right frame of mind to do any of those Rs,but i'm really hoping i'll manage to have one before school starts.these are a few people i'm hoping to join me on my mission to revive myself: Steph, Swan, Kahpoh, Huishuang..and whoever wants to be refreshed for uni.

it'll be 3 days worth of resting,relaxing,rejuvenating,retreating..all of which hopefully end in Revival.

i have a few ideas in mind.

2D1N aviva spa/retreat - $700++

1N in Novotel, which will be hopefully, courtesy of swannie.if not we'll find some place to sleep.

but of course if the spa idea is considered outrageous,we'll just stay in the room at novotel and do other things like pedicures/manicures/facials/hair treatment for each other.a 1N thing,since how long can you possibly do stuff like that anyway.

activities for a longer retreat will include swimming/gymming/spa-ing/shopping/sightseeing - yes,around singapore.i will make sure it's interesting.going to places we rarely frequent,and seeing new faces in the crowd.

but of course,i'll be focussing on Body, Mind and Soul - which is why every day of the retreat will be different.spa/relax day first,then some good reflection/getting life in order/spiritual uplifting next,ending off with fun social games to remind us that life is still worth living.

i need some convincing.retreat!!!!!

the hiatus ends

i'm developing a sort of love-hate relationship with computers.i can feel my eyes just melting under all the radiation stuff coming from the crazily bright screen.after hours and hours of clicking and blinking away,i don't really know why i'm even online now.burning my corneas up.

just watched it's a boygirl thing.quite nice,but totally cliche.worth only 2.5 stars.passable.gossip girl is wayy better.

i wanted to blog about my working experience tonight,but honestly now i not only don't know where to start,but also don't even feel like doing it.i have to soon,nicely,for carol,but for myself i've been having flashbacks of first coming to bccsc looking for something temporary whilst i found a better job elsewhere.then i thought that perhaps a job with the kids would be good and fun,plus a chance to make new friends in a very non-working environment.but who should have thought things turned out quite differently.i lend up in the office,and despite initially thinking this so wasn't my kinda thing,it became a very very important avenue for my artistic endeavours,all just waiting to happen before all this.developed friendships that have since altered my mindsets and behavioural tendancies,taught me things about fellowship i would have never figured out myself.i actually found a job where i'm needed,and what i can offer is important.isn't that so great?

but i have to admit that i am pretty stressed out,to what degree is for you to guess.i do not like this feeling.i mean,tons of ppl are out there slacking their guts out before school starts and the big mad rush starts again.the pressure to be cool.the pressure to start off well.the pressure to have a fantastic social life.and for me now,it's the pressure to wrap up my old life and start planning for the new.guhhhhh.

I NEED RELEASE.

THE SINGAPORE FLYER(:

hence begins my crazy trip on the flyer.

this was taken right at the top.

favourite shot.

who can resist horsing around?

my lovely flyer partner,swannie.

cheers to free cocktail!(:

see the singapore skyline?

when things start going a little tipsy..

you jump i jump!

one of my favourite shots.

tell those in love to stop being dramatic

haven't been blogging since i've been sufficiently occupied watching gossip girl or reading.don't really know what to say either,for a fact.as i've said before,i'm still in flux.i'm caught in a transition period of waiting/wondering/wandering,and as darryl puts it,i've run dry.this emotional desert is to a certain,subtle extent draining and frustrating.it's left me unstable,thirsting and slightly delirious.i need a change of environment.maybe i should go on a retreat after the bangkok trip.something affordable,in cool weather,and relaxing.

i need to get my mind in the right place.i have to stop dreading my QET,stop dreading school,stop dreading things i don't enjoy very much.i want to get away from all this and pretend no one in the world exists except me and some nice kind people.

can think of a few people whom i'd be happy to have with me,and some people i will kinda gladly have nothing to do with for the next few weeks.maybe i'll start fasting every few days of the week.i think i need to retreat with God.

something i ought to be slightly proud of.

take a brief look at one of the few acknowledged pieces of writing i've ever done.nothing fantastic,but okay la.

anyway sorry about not blogging since forever,will update a bit more when i'm finally not reading the 6 books i borrowed from library or watching gossip girl.or any other movie.

just for the sake of repeating myself,i watched the devil wears prada (4 stars),sweeney todd (2.5 stars),the other boleyn girl (2.5 stars),get smart (4 stars,only because it was super funny),penelope (3.5 stars,should be 4 but loses 0.5 because abit sketchy).....last week.and 8 episodes of gossip girl on sunday (4 stars,pretty entertaining,if not a bit brainless).

kungfu panda tonight.

wanted is coming out on the 26th! cannot wait.

movies coming out that i want to watch:

1. wanted

2. the curious case of benjamin button

3. sisterhood of travelling pants 2

4. the house bunny

5. baby mama

and alot of other trailers my macbook frontrow has to offer.

the married guy i'm in love with.mr james mcavoy(:

hokkaido(:

beautiful seaside that smelt like lavender.

another shot.

one of many fake bears in hokkaido.

ooh,bear.

me in aeroplane.

my tai tai's night out in the kimono thingy.

mum and i during first very jap dinner.

and again.looking very fresh out of the hot spring.

look very stupid but the volcano behind me was cool.

another stupid shot with the volcano behind..

during some random toilet break in the middle of nowhere.

very proud of this wide-angle shot of lake toya,a crater lake.

poor morning attempt at posing with lake toya (since i look hideous),which i only realized was a crater lake about 24 hours after living in that hotel.

nice fireworks display that went on for half an hour on lake toya at night.beautifulllll.

one of the many stupid shots i just had to take in the kimono thingy we had to wear around.

see the waterfall behind me?

flowers at the sake brewery.

pretty bridge and scenery at the brewery.

beautiful scenery at one of our pitstops.sadly i only have one kungfu photo as my mum refused to indulge in my so-called attention-grabbing ways after this photo.

surprisingly pretty shot against the sky taken by mum.

nice flower garden (:

one of the old chocolate posters at the museum/factory.

chocolate ornament thingies.

fake horse-drawn carriage.

pinocchio.

nice comfy bed,my favourite.

atoneeeeement.love love love james mcavoy.

i look gross but it's a cool pic of the zebra crossing.

it's kungfu panda,which i really wanna watch!

tiny village for tiny person.

the people i went with,as well as my pretty psycho but very funny tour guides.

you can imagine how i actually tried to tear this out of the aeroplane's magazine but too many people were watching so i gave up.

i love the background but i think i look a bit crappy in this photo.

happy musical box museum (:

very cute frogs to show my brother.

Georgia, I'll be chasing you the rest of my life.

Georgia, you know that you've been on my mind
Georgia, we both learned to compromise
I'll be there for you
When everybody's coming unglued
I'll be there for you
I won't say you have to choose

I don't want to let you go
And I don't want to lose you slowly
I just want to let you know
That it's only just a little back and forth lately

- Georgia by Hanson

love love love the hanson brothers way more than i love the jonas brothers.and today i finished watching ALL coffee prince episodes finally and i am super in love with the series.i loved it thoroughly.watching the behind the scenes (director is a woman,whoots.) made me feel all nostalgic about not being able to go to mass comm and really experience such fun for myself,because i know how much fun and human bonding there is in the whole process of filming,directing,acting..amazing chemistry that always pops up on set that drives you to an inexplicable emotional high..gosh.i will be missing all that by not getting into mass comm.i so desperately WANT to do all that.but of course,education is education and i don't want to waste my parents' money doing something that may not get me anywhere,leaves me with not much choice of career and doesn't really get everyone's approval in the first place.all my dreams will have to wait.

oh my gosh filming is so damn fun i hope someone gives me a fun drama to film soon.for church or something. (: the last thing i did was the smash thing which was so long ago.but so fun and dramatic man haha.i think the actors had a great time,while i did all the stressing out and sniggering behind the camera.can't believe i'm saying this,but i wanna do another chook's house video!!

and now that reminds me..as long as my external hard drive remains dead,i will never be able to get my videos back to watch.though i think random people have copies of it.and some are on youtube.oh well.

must go add more songs to imeem playlist now.

oh and hokkaido was okay,ask me about it.

narnia has hot guys!

payday dinner (PDD) always rocks my socks i have to say.

side note,ignore promptly

i cannot help but suspect that i exist in the smallest corner of your life,no matter how long i've been there,and no matter how i pour myself out over and over again my allocated space never gets any bigger.i live secluded on my little side,wondering what's going on at the rest of your party,who's invited,why i am not.i complain from time to time,saying you never share your stories the way i do,never tell me a thing despite all that i've told you.you'll hang your head in shame and accuse me of putting you in a spot,something friends shouldn't do.when the moon is blue you suddenly interrupt my usual ranting to thank me for never giving up on you,always persevering to be your friend,that i look great and i'm great and everything we are is great.in that moment i'm caught so way off guard it's like you've just ambushed me in mid-sentence with a mind-blowing kiss and i stumble over my determination never to fall in love with you.but of course,i possibly already am by then and even more possibly may have been for my entire teenage life.i love you.oh gosh.it's like an elizabeth bennet loves the annoying mr darcy experience.but suddenly i'm back in my isolation booth,and you're off romancing the rest of the world without a hint of recognition of me again.My word do i simply marvel at our everlasting love.

the jane austen book club

who's going to watch both becoming jane and the jane austen book club again with me before i return them on monday? zwing's not around.gosh i'm dying to share this with someone i love those 2 shows.

i am going to start reading pride and prejudice again,before i embark on the rest of the 5..emma,mansfield park,persuasion,sense and sensibility and northanger abby.so excited.austen writes some of the best literature i must say,especially on human relationships and love.

will name all my future children with names starting with A,in honor of austen and her fantastic writing.am not too extreme as to name them after austen characters though.i thought of a few good 'A' names yesterday,with the help of baby name websites.

for the boys - Austen (in pure honor of jane..), Asher (like in the bible..my favourite name out of all the other brothers)...and if i end up having more boys, possibly Angelo or Aaron.i like Ashton but it's too Ashton Kutcher for me.

for the girls - Amelie (like the french movie), Aaris (super nice name,like a little girl i once made friends with)...and if i end up having more girls, possibly Allegra or Aarin (like,erin).maybe even Ailie.

no,i am not expecting.

i just cannot wait to actually have to name people. (:

very sad,very austen

watching becoming jane was simply uplifting.although i'm not as pretty as anne hathaway,i'm hoping jane herself wasn't that pretty so that i can relate to her as struggling author better.whatever the case i was actually brought to tears at one point during the movie when tom lefroy confessed his inability to live without jane despite being forcefully engaged to someone else after breaking up with her once and there was so much emotion put forth in that scene it invoked deep pains within me.when such occurrences happen i do either one of two things - cry, or write.

actually now i'm writing so that means i'm doing the second as well, not just the first.

jane refused to marry absolute toots for their money despite her family's poverty,but at the same time she was unable to bring herself to elope with tom lefroy because it would have destroyed both their families at once.in an act of sacrifice and bittersweet love,she gave him up for a lifetime of singleness whilst he got married and had children.the injustice!

but of course,she did write 6 of the english language's finest literature books.which i have also come to enjoy immensely because of her wit and fantastic sense of romance.shall i one day become jane?

but where's my tom lefroy,to begin with!!!? literary greatness begins with a single episode of tortured love,and everything else stems more or less solely from there.i've said this before - even if i were to be doomed to a lifetime of singleness like jane,where i shall write/type my fingers off to support lonely self,i at least need to fall madly in love (AND be loved in return,of course) at least once.

i think my writer's soul will be fulfilled only then.but fulfilled,indeed.

a tissue for your issue

i have both issues and tissues.and a dreamy vision of me rewinding some old videos after procrastinating for months and crying while watching all too familiar memories unfold.then i'll forget my current problems and realize i've been trespassing on a future that is not mine for too long,possibly will say something like "you brought me back" like a dramatic fool.

then collapse into the past as it embraces me and whimper "i'm sorry i left" to whoever's listening.

i will go home one day,perhaps.

你不在 by Wang Lee Hom

当世界只剩下这床头灯

你那边是早晨已经出门

我侧身感到你在转身

无数陌生人正在等下一个绿灯

一再错身彼此脆弱的时分

如果渴望一个吻的余温

我关了灯黑暗把我拼吞

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白般难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤在偷偷好起来

但你不在不在

时间再按下许多次快门

沉默里听见转动的秒针

一个人吃饭这个凌晨

孤单一人份

你低声说你有别人

我的话筒只有自己的体温

怎样认真也不一定成真

你说的对我不得不承认

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

无尽等待像独白的难挨

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

我受了伤再偷偷好起来但你不在

那些摇摆我都明白都明白

但你不在爱已不在不在

你不在当我最需要爱你却不在

一个人分饰两角的恋爱

你不在高兴还是悲哀你都不在

像空气般不存在的存在

再没有痕迹的爱你不在

当我需要你的爱你不在

this song is so romantic i could die listening to it.

look at the stupid time

after reading bridget jones' diary i realize there's no better way to express myself but in formidably bitchy edgy british english.

also specially switched on my macbook to type david a not-as-long-as-previous-email email that sounded much better and edgier than the first.

i can't believe i have so much unhappiness bearing down upon my heart but was still able to come across as sharply amused by current bad situation.not to mention hysterically witty. 

really am in dire need of a tolerant ear.bah.

moving away from my feigned poshness,i can only say: david come back leh.

colorgenics makes certain sense

You are constantly trying to make a favourable impression and endeavouring to be considered as that someone 'special'. You are pretty good at using various tactics and strategies that give the impression that you are in control. Maybe you are - but you are constantly watching to see whether or not your endeavours are truly appreciated.

You seem to lack the energy of late to get up and go. Your objectives appear to be unattainable and no one seems to care. You feel lost, neglected and need some W.T.C. (Warm Tender Care).

Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. 

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You don't like conflict and you endeavor to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

flux.

i cannot say this more.i love the coffee prince like crazy.by the 12th episode things are happy and not gay anymore.i can't believe how much you can learn about human relationships from dumb shows like these.but i definitely learnt something or another.

today was a mixture of things..rockclimbing/watching more CP in office whilst darryl watched his naruto/fighting with that idiot brother of mine/watching more CP at home and totally enjoying how lovey-dovey it all is..gosh what a day.but i hate reciting my life as if its so interesting,even though it is,so i shan't continue.

yesterday steph and i were discussing about the type of love that we give,love languages and stuff.what's interesting is how i had one of those moments where i speak my heart out in the most poignant of manners such that even i find it worth remembering.

my language of love is in giving of what i see as deserving to the ones i deeply treasure.be it in words,letters,notes,gifts,food,i take all these seriously and don't just give for the sake of it.i give only what i see as best for the person receiving.if i say something i say it from the deepest recesses of my heart to the best of my ability,hoping that my emotion will be felt and understood.for those who have ever gotten anything from me,it was all well thought out and served with a great measure of sincerity and love.

i love with a bittersweet love.as i was recalling the people i have loved over the years,and by this i really mean love wholly and truly,i realize i love in tears and pain and earnesty.i know it sounds all silly and foolish,but if you bring me to the point of plain old love and i'm thoroughly convinced that i do love you with all my mind and heart,i just do.i give even more,i pour myself out without considering the consequences of this love never returning to me.

it must be stupid to expect,even if it is the slightest bit,any of these back.of course i am not so childish to demand and sulk if i never am repaid in a certain sense for what i do for others.definitely not.but i think that somewhere inside me i'm always waiting,hoping that someone will realize that people do love to be loved.david tells me i'm not desperate enough in a way,such that most people don't see the side of me that wants and needs someone else to love me,just as everyone does.

i've been thinking about what he said these few days while he's off in new york enjoying life.i'm in a state of flux,is that what you call a state-change? i'm moving on,moving around,finding my way.i've more or less forgotten what's gone on in the past few months.i've long forgotten about what happened 2 years ago..it's like a long-gone era that holds no more memory.i've forgotten all the details.i now only remember a few names that once held,and maybe still hold,meaning.the years of wonder and excitement,embarrassment and growth.all culminating to who i am today.i,from the over-enthusiastic short-haired girl with the terrible dress sense,to the sometimes jaded and emotional but always sparked up with a sense of humor very old teenager.who would have thought how things would have turned out,the names that stay put and the names that drift far away.

we're all in a flux at some point in our lives.moving in,moving out.caught in suspension from time to time.i feel like i am,now.unemotional.self-confident.lapsing between ecstasy from the joys of life and cynicism from the simultaneous pains of it.ah.

what else can i say.i am 19 and i still don't know who i love.

i love coffee prince(:

today i found myself in a knot of anger and frustration that made me realize how i work so hard and give so much of myself to relationships all in the hopes of being as loved in return.love,to be loved,i know.but i have become starkly aware that i am always caught in a void,stuck waiting like a fool,for my loved ones to just appreciate what i do for them and want to make me happy too.

for some i wait daily,like a little game i play to amuse myself.maybe today something new and delightful will show itself to me as i do my own thing,something a little bit different from the last time.

for some i wait over a period of time,between the times we see each other and we don't.maybe there'll be a really good reason to meet up,something great to do together after weeks and months living our own lives.

and for some i wait for years,lapsing in and out of closeness and hope,perhaps despair.maybe today will be the day i finally say something out of the ordinary,today i will learn something i've been waiting so long to hear about.

will you love me today? the next time we see each other? years later?

all i know is that i do my best to love you,like a gardener waters her plants in hopes that flowers will bloom,so that maybe one day i'll get some of that love back.

where the love lasts forever by hillsong

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,

And lifted me beyond my failing,

Into Your glory,

My sin and shame dissolved,

And now forever Yours I’ll stand

In love never to end,

To call You more than Lord,

Glorious friend

So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

happy 19th!(:

more pics to come!

stars* by switchfoot

Maybe I've been the problem, maybe I'm the one to blame

But even when I turn it off and blame myself, the outcome feels the same

I've been thinking maybe I've been partly cloudy, maybe I'm the chance of rain

Maybe I'm overcast, and maybe all my luck's washed down the drain

I've been thinking 'bout everyone, everyone you look so lonely

Stars looking at our planet watching entropy and pain
And maybe start to wonder how the chaos in our lives could pass as sane
I've been thinking bout the meaning of resistance, of a hope beyond my own
And suddenly the infinite and penitent begin to look like home

I've been thinking bout everyone, everyone you look so empty
But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars
I see someone else
When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself

just another sleepy wednesday with mccartney

your songs have the worst lyrics

but heck,you pretty face..and uh,beautiful soul?

I know this sounds so off now,but I read this really good passage in Psalms today.this one just totally struck me.powerful stuff man.i feel so loved by God.very emotional and deeply moving.

"You give me your shield of victory,

and your right hand sustains me;

you stoop down to make me great."

Psalms 18:35

have a great working day!

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles.

A delicious lunch treat from a colleague.

An unexpected MSN message from an old friend.

Green stoplights on your way to and from work (this is especially for darryl).

A spontaneous outing after an already fun day at work.

A good sing-along, head-banging, arm-swaying song on the radio.

Your stuff found right where you left them.

Extra energy despite the lack of sleep.

Great-tasting, unfattening snacks throughout the day.

Meaningful conversations, or maybe just side-splitting ones with jokes that last for hours.

A word of encouragement from someone who cares.

Longtime problems solved nice and sweetly.

Friends who are all in a fantastically high mood.

More things to look forward to in the coming weeks.

Blessed enough to notice all these ordinary miracles when they occur!

A bit of advice for today:

1. It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

2. If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.

3. Our days are happier when we give people a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.

4. Lastly, we have come to serve God, not man. So there's no harm working hard, instead of hardly working. (:

if you don't know what to get me for my birthday,

okay this sounds shameless but it's necessary.if you want to get me ANYTHING for my birthday,which is on the 4th of May,i suggest you get me vouchers (especially if you have no idea what to get me).not food vouchers however (unless they're for healthy food,like jap food).movies,books,shopping mall vouchers.it solves a LOT of gift problems that way.i'm just being practical!but if you still are hung up on getting me something you KNOW i will like AND need,please go ahead by all means.thank you in advance!(:

hope does not float

hope is like some sort of battery that you assume at first to have a lot of energy to spare such that whatever you're fueling will keep going on and on.it'll go on and on as though it's done what it's been doing for the past couple of years,effortlessly,ceaselessly.no matter what you say it'll never stop,never run out.you take it for granted,forget it's even there,believe in what you think is everlasting power.until one day the strength of it all starts to quiver and flicker,and all of a sudden you're back into action trying to save it,convince yourself it'll stay alive.knock it,shake it,adjust it.maybe the contact's loose.once you make connection again it'll go back to normal.but today was the first day i finally accepted that hope has run out,predictions have always been as phony as i suspected they were,it's the end of the road for us.no u-turns or side lanes,second routes or hope of still getting to my preferred destination.just exits.

nothing but exits.

and maybe you.

mac should allow nudges

you have epiphanies at the most random of moments,preferably when you're transported from one dimension of reality to another really fast it's actually so jarring and scary.i had an epiphany just now,after my dad yelled at me to just get home earlier because i was complaining the 3-days-blown bulb in the toilet meant i had to bathe in the dark which was just crazy.i sat back down in my chair,looked at my msn screen and realized nobody really cared about me as much as i wished they did.i've been living in hopeful disappointment all this while.which means i hope i'm wrong with my suspicions,even though i'm inwardly all disappointed when things never happen the way i hope they would.

that's epiphany for you.

you're my lobster

my mind is rubbed raw from mulling through my circumstances every time something pricks my memory, every time i'm placed in a situation whereby i weigh my options and consider my chances.every such time i drift off into quietness and my eyes grow wide and blank like a doll's.

i'm losing it.i'm losing hold of my misery and my wallowing in it.i can feel it because it's like a huge tide that has been washing over me for the past couple of months and finally,finally it feels like it's pulling back where it belongs.out there at sea...back where it wants to go,and has gone.

but instead of moving on with a brand new breath of fresh air,a new history to be made,i seem to be falling back into the deeper past,back to where i thought i wld never go again.how can it be that i am forgetting yesterday's burden as though it has just slipped away and will never again be anything substantial in my life? how can i just let go like this? and where on earth am i going in this whacked out solitude? 

why,WHY am i,back where i began almost 7 years ago? what IS this? this can't possibly be a TV show that gives me all freedom to live a perfectly dramatic life without any emotional consequences.this isn't what i wanted when i prayed to be free.it's like i have u-turned and gone straight back to childhood.my childhood.the one that i assumed i was free of.i left you behind.i needed and still need to.

but here i am,toying stupidly with the idea of doing sth abt the past,right now in the present.i mean it's the question i've always wanted an answer to,what would you have done? but perhaps when i do get the answer,it won't be as great as i've always hoped it wld be.i won't be surprised.or maybe i will,because it'll be so...realistically predictable.you'll have the same reply i suspected you would have had 7 years ago.which is why i never told you then,and should probably never ever tell you now.

i don't know what it is.maybe it's in the way you make me snort and smile at the mention of you all at the same time.maybe it's how you sometimes have a lot to say to me for once and i find you then so amazingly funny.maybe it's how on other and most occasions you are at a loss of what to say to me because we're such lousy friends and we just sit in silence as an alternative to making painful conversation.maybe it's how i ponder over our terrible,terrible friendship and why it's been in such a state for years but still believe things are somehow working out.maybe it's because i realized after reading through some old documents i found that you really cherish me.maybe it's how i've misunderstood you this whole time and had such a pitiful misconception of you that i always put myself down in context to you.or maybe i could be just wrong about all this,and we can never mean more to each other than whatever we can guess now.

i sat on the bus today and listened to you and me by lifehouse instead of skipping it for once.i came to the conclusion that i've just spent way too long loving you at arm's length away so things don't get messy between us.my heart may not skip a beat anymore,i may not want to message you so badly anymore,we may not have to think of proper conversation anymore.i just slip into my space on your wall of life and you into mine,and i love you simply,shyly but confidently,out of this bad old habit i can't seem to kick.

gosh i am such a basket case.

in loving memory

how long has it been, my friend?
since you spread your wings and flew
left me here in the noise and restlessness of my life
every night was silent and tearless without you

i haven't heard much about you after that day
the weeping hour i stopped my crazy addiction to you
pulled away unwilling, from what increasingly became my life and soul
i sunk into solitude, i hope you know

if you ever understood how empty my days lay in your absence
you'd see why i had to learn, why i needed to learn to be alone
i had to stop talking about you, going hot and cold about you
the more i found in you the less i held on to myself

and things would never have worked that way,
right? assure me baby...tell me you still know me
how you know every manner in which i function
if anyone should know the answer, it'll be you

in your eyes i fell beneath your great expectations
did you ever think a girl like me could possess so much love for you?
oh baby i didn't believe it either when i realized it
i cried for my own folly; you were always my weakness even in strength

but you stole my heart with yours, you really did
and the way you looked down on me, behind those prejudiced eyes i saw
in soft pools of lighthearted joy a waft of sadness
drifting by me as i fell into the deep crevices of your simple smile

i wonder if you were ever sad to leave me -
did you even know you had gone far far away?
that day i stopped hearing from you every waking moment
from my open hands you were set free from my world

you fluttered back to chasing the wind, didn't you?
riding on the swift currents of your destiny
and in all this, i wish you love and happiness
fulfillment, faith and the finest pieces of life

one day i hope you'll chance upon my message scrawled across the table
my name and yours, carved in past lives
a lopsided heart, in the same way you grinned
because i once tugged on your line, and i tugged hard

my friend, it's been a very long time
since i wished i could climb a ladder to plant a kiss upon your cheek
but for now i stay here firmly on the ground
and whilst you fly above, i sigh and stuff your picture into my pocket.

will it?

thought I couldn't live without you

it's gonna hurt when it heals too

it'll all get better in time

and even though I really love you

I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to

it'll all get better in time

since there's no more you and me

it's time I let you go

so I can be free

and live my life how it should be

no matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you

yes I will

more days at work

lady in the basket

while the world plays on,

(:

last night's super shiok xiaolongbao and lamian dinner with darryl and trinette


look at that nice trophy that i made(:

my half of it

on this side of paradise i like to keep you 

in dreams 

because if things were real i wouldn't believe.

i'd be disenchanted, jaded, put in my place

that paradise doesn't

really exist

on your side, in your life, i'm stuck 

on a post-it note

that i wrote myself, to remind you that

i'm your friend. i'd be forgotten otherwise 

but that's not too much

of a surprise

on certain lonely days i stop pretending

i'm fulfilled, at peace

with being by myself in the crowd, standing

wistfully pretending, a sad whimpering fool

miserable with my half

the half of paradise without you

humbled,i finally peek over at your side and wish our world wasn't cut into such pieces.

always behind me

sometimes i prefer to live in the present
see and hear and breathe the present
when i'm happy i only belong to the present
i will purposefully live to the fullest in the present
when i think i'm in love again i cannot do without the present
when i forget you i only want the future and the present
in my simple mind i dwell only in the present
for the present
forever in the present
but when the old pain swells up again, the present
falls away and i see and hear and breathe yesterday
the way you saw me and turned away
you didn't just move on you moved away
and on these miserable days i drop my present
and wallow in the past hoping to 

perhaps find my way back to you.

we all hurt the same way

i had a long and tiring day of work.i was inspired by the hoarders episode on home&health to stop being such a hoarder,so i cleared out my two ancient cupboards that nobody else knows exist but have always been in my room.

everything else can only be said on the secret blog.you know where to go.

perhaps not.

as darryl says,this is life..in bccsc

you decide.

trinette's lousy photography,my angellic moment (:

making eyes at each other..angry eyes that is.office enemies!

darryl actually looks nice.or maybe it's just the wall.

awww(:

i love this picture. (:

going the distance

one week of march left.in a way,time is passing pretty slowly.this week felt so draggy and in low spirits.i'm hoping for more excitement and out-of-ordinary activities this week.who can make my dreams come true?

the jonas brothers song is making me emo! it's so whiney but it actually grows on you.i'm also worrying about my interview at smu this saturday,though mark is trying to alleviate my anxiety.i hate interviews.i'm so painfully shy man.not that it's any use saying that because no one believes me but it's true.i hate interviews.

the braces aren't helping,let me tell you.everyone keeps making fun of me because of them.it's a bit...sad.i didn't know it was that bad.

a note to myself: get back in touch with God.i've been letting Him just hang this week.more consumed by my moody self and rebellious streak.it's all strange and new.i am so hate-able now.as in,you could hate me real easy.i keep snapping and getting annoyed at the slightest thing.i kinda more or less figured out the reason why,but i think it's time to stop being childish and human and try to do things a little more WWJD.

i gotta go sleep already cos i haven't been getting much of that at all these few days,and may just fall sick again if i continue pressurizing my poor mind to work in energy-starved conditions.have to remind darryl that i exist before he forgets me tomorrow morning.but just a little something i was turning over in my mind yet again - the true test of how much a person means to you would really be the distance you are willing to go,and the sacrifices you are so quickly ready to make,just to be with that person.it sounds silly and overused but i think there's a great deal of truth in that statement.

goodnight world.

"If a man could be in two places at one time I'd be with you." 

- If, Bread (a song by a band)

what's love event(:

living with a shadow overhead

i am such a monster these days.i come home early to be faced with another variation of soft food (rice/noodles with soup) and have to decide how to waste the rest of the evening away,as long as it involves the remote control,my favourite black swivel chair and the 40-inch samsung (i think that's the brand).then i go online at 10 plus,put off the tiresome brushing teeth till later,and click my mouse hoping to find someone interesting to talk to,nag about my painful mouth,brood about how static and one-dimensional life is.

i didn't even plan anything today,and it's a holiday!when i finally have a day to just do absolutely nothing,i forget that i have to actually plan my days instead of letting work hours and certain arrowing individuals plan my day for me.i wasn't in the best of moods yesterday so i was considering,though i can't believe myself now either,not coming to church for good friday.i've been so wrecked up and monotonous this whole week that i have to a large extent forgotten what good friday is all about.it isn't,i realize with daniel's prompting,just another church day.every day is church day since i work there yes,but not good friday.good friday is something more.now that i think about it again,i can't believe i told daniel i just didn't want to go.and i'm so glad that he made me.i'm so lapsing out of good deep communication with God nowadays,just looking at my life and frowning in bored displeasure,that i needed someone like daniel to remind me about what Jesus did.i suspect i did not even think of how good friday is all about Jesus until daniel said "good friday is all about what Jesus did for us".my life has just been all about the falling down,my bruised knee,my work frustrations,my relationships,my class outings,my macbook,my handphone,my car rides with darryl,my television shows,my story books,my university applications,my stupid teeth,my pathetic meals...always something about Joanne Joanne Joanne but never just Jesus.

i'm getting so frustrated over everything,it seems.i just want my cake and eat it,literally.i don't want things to continue being so constipated and awkward and upsetting everytime i try confronting them.neither do i want to use a fistful of my own lousy solutions to my problems because that's not the way i've learnt things should be done.i don't want to do things my way,even though it seems as though my things are my things and God has nothing to do with them.my hurting teeth are mine and not God's,and God can't do anything about them because it's part of the natural order that they hurt like shit for a week.i just hate feeling lousy and tired and hungry.i hate having the most basic of things not go my way.for goodness sake's this is just a hungry girl hoping to have a decent meal that is not in any way watery or mushy.i am so ashamed of myself and my behavior.how i let such a simple problem screw up my life,my friendships,my relationship with God.

my social life is zero,my days are the most boring and meaningless as long as i'm out of office,and nothing at all is exciting.i have no emotional input.i am cynical and displeased at the world around me.i am tired of love songs,of the pressure to seek romantic relationships,of having to give of myself to people who don't reciprocate.i am tired,of having to grow up so fast.

it scares me,as it scares darryl,as it scares trinette,as it scares the shit out of everybody.

i'm not ready.

mass destruction of lonely girl's life

she trips over the morning as it invites itself in

like every other morning it curls its way 

through her unlocked wooden door and

finds its way into her sleeping curls

her tightly pursed lips stressed by the nighttime cold

and like every other morning she dreams she's awake

thinks about reaching for her phone

dreams that she does

ignoring the morning's sun-tinted breath 

wafting through her frightened, hiding mind

today kisses her awake with a yell from downstairs

reminding her the clock isn't waiting, neither will he

Out pops her mess of hair from the shadow on her pillow

and into the sunlit hall she emerges

bravely stepping, though half-asleep, into the newness of day

did anyone message her while she slept? oh great

the toilet seat's left down again. did she check or did she dream?

there goes the alarm, left on again. I guess not

My braces taste of last night's toothpaste.. Nobody cares

I was hoping to get a reply. Hooray there's a book here to read

car

office

lunch

office

teatime

six o'clock

car

home

bathe

dinner

t.v.

macbook

book?

silence.

maybe God.

fall asleep hoping.

grumpy person

make that very unhappy grumpy person in severe tooth pain.

down here in the water so deep

today was my xray day,but as a result of watching the jap show till 2 plus and only getting sleep around 3,i woke up at 11 (after falling asleep after picking up a 9 a.m. call from trinette asking about my knee) and could only get to the doctor's at about 12.then i had to get a referral to east shore right outside my house,went there to get my xray done and had to wait till 3 to collect the results.in the mean time i completed my NUS application,thus rendering myself free from horrible uni apps for the rest of the next 2 weeks.AND nothing's broken,nothing's fractured.i've just got myself a beautiful set of 2 xray photographs of my left knee.i tried looking for my head xrays but my mum told me they were thrown away years ago.that is pure artistic potential going to waste i tell you.

to celebrate my newfound freedom from both work and uni apps,as well as peace of mind that my knee was no longer shattered in a few pieces i decided to lie down and gorge myself with lit and lang.i kinda gave up on the draggy p.s. i love you (i do not really like cecilia ahern's writing now that i'm experiencing it for myself) and moved on to the much more intriguing the time traveler's wife.it is indeed as mesmerizing as it is confusing.i'm not done with the first chapter so i'm still trying to figure out,with my slow dull mind,what exactly is going on and what kind of weird disease the male protagonist has.

then it was T.V. time! my most educational time of day.from E! to home&health to hour asia to star to channel 8,you really can learn alot from tv.i was especially caught up with human stories on home&health which covered the stories of 3 teenagers suffering from speech problems due to severe stammering.it was so painful just watching this guy called nathan trying so hard to talk to the camera about his issues,see him struggle to act in his performing arts class so that he wouldn't screw up during his school play.then there was another guy called woody who couldn't talk to strangers because he would get all nervous and not be able to get his words out besides the first syllable or so.and the last one was a younger girl also called joanne and she was so sweet and pretty,loved to read,but was so impaired by her stammering that people hung up on her when she tried calling in to apply for stuff or something.it was so heartbreaking.just thinking about how there are people out there in conditions worse than me,yet realizing that we're all in this huge rejected-by-majority-of-society problem together reduced me to tears actually.i cannot believe i cried,but at the same time i believe it cos inside i know what it feels like to literally battle the world head on every day of your life.to assert your self identity,to preserve your dignity and honour as a person despite of who you are,because of who you are.and it's not easy.

i wonder if i'm exuding some sort of ambient sadness because my mum just asked me if i was okay and insisted that i seemed sad.does watching too much TV and slacking around do that to you? what kind of sadness could it be man,the one i mentioned in my previous post? i can think of quite a few additional things that are getting me down,but all i want to do now is watch my wife and kids...music and lyrics (i still have NOT)...something,anything.i am also resisting all temptation to watch the other boleyn girl online.i think i shall just get the book and distract myself until midyear rolls around and it'll be out finally.ah.

is life now good?

leaving eden

just watched sky of love online and am extremely glad i didn't make anyone tag along with me to watch it in the cinema.it was beyond draggy,the concept was unoriginal,nothing about the cinematography was special...and i could have totally written a better story.where is the real emotion!? where is the real dialogue!? where are the words spoken that break your heart?! a good movie needs to make you feel for the characters,not just watch them statically.

anyway i'm going for my xray for the kneecap tmr and really really hope and pray that i haven't fractured anything,although i suspected i might have the minute i tripped over my living room stool.i don't want to be in crutches for a few months man.when my mum thought she felt fragments of bone where my knee cap is my heart just sank.like before that it seemed pretty drama and cool to have like,done something really original to my knee,a rather novel (is that how you spell it?) idea.but when i actually realized the true possibility of having a shattered kneecap i just totally died inside man.i do NOT want to have to deal with a broken leg.it's lifetime damage!! 

life for me now is such a web of frustration really.there's nothing too great,nothing too happy,nothing to look forward to.i'm just looking for a good break,no worries,no responsibilities.i just want to laze around and read my pile of literature that feli's been generously feeding me.i finished love in the time of cholera,and now have moved on to p.s. i love you (which is NOT literature).i also have that serious love book to read,though i'm currently not in the mood for anything along those lines.then there's the time traveler's wife (which looks very good) and remains of the day (which i have never heard of but feli says is very good).and now im inspired to read the other boleyn girl (by...i forgot the author's name again.).it sounds so good! see how many books i NEED to read? i have no time at all! just took on another tuition student,which means at least half a day will be burnt giving tuition in my week.

i mean,how not to be frustrated to a pretty annoying extent.first there's uni apps.i have to do sth about ntu's appraisals,finally decide what to sign up for in nus....and with my fantastically-nothing-to-shout-about results,my parents KEEP worrying about whether i'm going to get ANYWHERE and that's just making me nervous and fidgety about things too.i was so upset when my dad suggested retaking A lvls that i was crying in fits of anger and even greater bouts of frustration.on one hand i really can't be bothered with all this uni stuff,just apply and be done with it,see where God puts me.and on the other i'm like bombarded with SUGGESTIONS and ADVICE and WORRY it's like having my fingers squashed before i can even type out my online application.i want the world to just leave me alone so i can face it solitarily. 

today i stood silently,thanks to my nonexistent singing voice (which is another contributor to my great deal of inner frustration,i can't even sing along with darryl in his car),in church service listening to worthy is the lamb (or the song before that) and just felt absolutely sad for a very irrelevant reason.my mind was wandering and i knew God wouldn't have been very happy about that but for that instance i couldn't help it.then suddenly i realized that Jesus was right there with me,knowing my inmost thoughts and emotions that i can't and won't even express,understanding the turmoil within me that everyone refuses to talk too much about, only telling me the exact same thing (the solution).i pictured Jesus sitting beside me watching the sun glow over a quiet river,holding my hand,not saying anything.knowing exactly what i was feeling and mourning inside my heart over and over,but not giving the advice i have grown so tired of hearing.i already know the solution and will implement it,but at this point in time i just don't want to hear about it anymore and just be allowed to feel sadness and regret...just to sit in silence and grieve.i knew then that Jesus was my ultimate friend,the only one who would watch the sunset in silence instead of telling me how wrong i am to feel and think this way up till now,make me feel stupid and helpless... Just holding my hand and being there with me was all i really wanted.no words.no rebuke.no condemnation.just freedom to experience emotions that He made me with,knowing full well that He's ready to catch me should i fall,yet at the same time just waiting there to