bah.

david foo is possibly the biggest idiot tonight.he is so annoying.so annoying.

SO ANNOYINGGGGGGGGGGGG.

but sadly very very,very funny.sigh.

pics.....>:(

to me you are perfect

watching love actually takes you out of your boring,hopeless life and immerses you in a world of dreams eerily coming true.sigh and wake up when the movie ends.life isn't that fantastic.

i found the pieces in my hand

they were always there

it just took some time for me to understand

you gave me words i just can't say

so if nothing else

i'll just hold on while you drift away;

this song just started playing on my itunes.how weird!!!! i didn't even click anything.anyway,read my previous post for a good read.i can't think of anything better to express myself now.sometimes i wish i could paint,because then i could paint the way i feel at any moment.

i held the pieces of my soul

i was shattered

and i wanted you to come and make me whole

then i saw you yesterday

but you didn't notice

you just walked away

i was thinking about it just now in the toilet.i really do want words for Christmas.i just want to hear them,read them,have them pummel through me and blow my insides apart with their honesty.words are the most powerful things in the world.it's little wonder why i did 'the pen is mightier than the sword' for GP essay.just a few words can break a man.words mean so much to me.ho meng told me that last year.i don't think he could have been more right.

your words are the pieces of your soul.it frustrates me when i don't get much of them.

sigh,most of the time i am a sad,blabbering fool.

i kissed the screen today.but i must get over you.sorry.

achingly beautiful

my mind is in a fuzz,very very tired out from today's chasing after giant beach balls.i never want to do log for FC again.but the elation of finally finding the balls at a good price was pretty memorable.i just gawked and pointed and was on the verge of just screaming while tinsley i presume pretended not to know me.not that he was any less a kid.which 18 year old guy going into army in 2 weeks buys himself a toy car? but he's still one of those few ppl who always make me laugh my head off even when he's making fun of me.i actually appreciate that.

whenever i listen to slow piano music,the sort that makes you relax,i feel so inspired and pained all at the same time.it truly is achingly beautiful.it makes you want to ask pertinent questions and be answered in the most poetic and touching way ever.it makes you want to listen,above the notes,the truth of someone's heart speaking straight to yours on waves of melody.both in words that can express,and in emotion that sometimes cannot.too many times we hold back our true responses,hide our true questions - such that a moment is robbed mercilessly of the beauty its memory should have,and when we look back we are faced with empty spaces of words unsaid.pockets of time lags,hesitation.in our heads we have spoken many things,but to the people who should be hearing these words we say nothing most of the time.and then they die,and the little beauty we could have added to their world is stolen and lost forever.

that's why losing someone is so hard.because they don't know everything they should,from our own hearts and mouths,yet.sometimes even we don't know the words,but too many people take their own sweet time,or give up trying.make excuses.and then the people who matter most move along in life because they don't have all the time,and one of the most precious gifts they could have received is never sent.

those words are all i want for Christmas.

grace is not gone

merry christmas(:

he said 

she said

conversations with my other half

i gave up on the stupid FIRST video at about 2 sth and went blog hopping around my old SC friends' blogs.everyone's all grown up and basically young adult now.like i am,just that my life has pretty much been left unchanged and i still am,in all my essence of youth,jonk.surprisingly never changing.doing the video has been a highly annoying task,and i really want to do it for God,but i don't know how long i can hold up.

everyone seems to be off doing their own thing before christmas,and whilst i'm stuck doing the video,i also have no one to talk to online.i think david's sick of entertaining a very bored girl,who also happens to be under his charge and is evidently not doing her work.not sure.maybe it hasn't hit him yet that i'm talking to him instead of doing the more important thing of...the video.

sheesh,i can't even prepare christmas stuff properly because there's so much editing to be done! and i need the toilet now,too.been having little conversations in my own head with myself and a non-existent other person.thus my nicks would all not make any sense to anyone.

okay whatever i'm going to bathe now,then sleep at this sane hour.

he's my pirate.

i'm feeling happy! very lousy word to describe the bubbly feeling inside me,because it's the 21st and that means BOTH steph and rachel are HOME.only zwing is still floating out there in japan.today was somehow a really stressful yet fulfilling day.thinking back,it makes me smile.God did give me a good day after all.i almost believed it was screwed up for a while.

basically the filming was crazy and i was quite out of control without robyn,who usually is the one in control and i'm just the person who does her art and isn't very good at timing.many memories from today though.the spicey girls and clement made me laugh the hardest.it was horrible.horribly hilarious.esmond fetching me home in an emergency situation because my camera had no space,and trinette's camera had no battery.trinette and i rummaging through all the electronics in our house and lugging a whole lot of stuff,that included 2 laptops,back to church.filming was really crappy,but everyone just being together makes you feel warm and tingly inside.

ben,bryan,esmond,denise,brandon,rachel,aloy,josh,jon tan,sam tan,ben ng,joseph,clement,greg,aaron,glen,caron,charlene,abigail,darien,sam,marcus,zhipeng,minchieh,me.

i mean that is a serious lot of people.26,including trinette who was down to help film.an amazing lot.therefore whatever the outcome,at least we managed to have a little fellowship event all by ourselves! and it was a group of different people mixing together.especially over the volleyball aka lenny.everybody's favourite bundle of...cloth or something.

will not be doing any video work till...tomorrow night or something.just don't feel like touching it.not yet.

after i got home at 3 plus trinette and i decided to go out for an icecream,but we ended up having hightea/dinner at steph's favourite bakery depot.it's so nice spending time with her.we always have something to talk about.one of my favourite friends,indeed.then it started raining while we were appreciating the great photo scenery of the alley we had parked our bikes in so we cycled to sam's house,where my brother was,and had a good time hanging out there.it's just so nice being with friends.the cycling and icecream after that was enjoyable.see,it really makes me smile now.my brother n sam are such idiots together.

(:

oh and now the pirates song is stuck in my head because my dad bought pirates 3 off itunes or something.johnny depp is so hot,still.he has a really great side profile.that nose is so straight.

(:(:

and tomorrow's the christmas play! can't wait.

(:(:(:

soon,i'll have people to go out with and talk to again online,besides swan and david.

(:(:(:(:

christmas is coming.PRESENTS.

(:(:(:(:(:

i don't know what else i'm joyful over,BUT

(:(:(:(:(:(:!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is life without you.

i think i'm missing rachel,zwing and steph too damn much.but it has just occurred to me this is what life would be like without my closest friends.like,super close friends.the people who know just about everything.of course that includes swan,so thank goodness i still have her around at times.but still,the closest have been gone for weeks now.if i was really old and everyone else had died before me,i guess this is what life is like.kinda depressive.

last night after the stupid,make that majorly stupid short argument with my dad that got me thinking (and crying like an idiot)...(i mean seriously,it was about the toilet light and who left it on again.)..i realized i wasn't even THAT mad at him for picking a quarrel at the dead of night about the stupidest thing possible.i was really mad at other people.the next hour of crying,after that possibly 5 minutes of stunned-into-crying when my dad got really pissed over my unnecessary hysterical state (i thought i really had switched it off,but looks like i was the last one),wasn't crying over the argument.it was like,crying over every single woe that has been on my heart for the past couple of days.i was thinking to myself in that creepy third person way that david used to point out,was that i'm a really unhappy person inside.come to think of it,i think i've mentioned this in some other blog post months before.i am so unhappy.i am so depressed and flattened by life's misery.how absolutely tragic!

today it was my mum's birthday and everyone was back to normal.we went out shopping and it was pretty fun.of course there were snippets of me sinking into depressed-alter-ego state when someone made an insensitive comment or two,but what i was really doing was looking at the world around me with a more,awakened kind of perspective.i mentioned 2 days ago that i had begun to wake up and smell the coffee.that life,even as horrible and fatalistic as it may seem,yet poetic,to my writer's soul before - was even more horrible and fatalistic,and not in much way poetic at all,now.something had fallen and shattered all upon the floor,perhaps too inside of me,and now i am on the verge of being an all out cynic.a chronic disbeliever in fairytales,an embittered melancholic.last night i wondered if i had anything left to live for.if i would miss anything too much on earth to leave.so far,i'm not convinced if i really want to stay.

just got back from suntec.watched national treasure 2 with my dad and brothers,along with an entire cinema of couples.one thing i am pretty certain of,is that i am never going to be someone's girlfriend.i won't get to do cheesy movie things like eating dinner with that someone,watch movies with that someone,tag along wherever that someone goes.i was looking at all the girlfriends and thinking how much different we are.am i a victim of my circumstance?i'm not sure.2 days ago bryan told me he was not boyfriend material.strangely,i've been thinking how i am so not girlfriend material.completely.of course,guys are needed to carry my luggage and make me feel a bit more safe in creepy places,but i cannot imagine myself strapped helplessly to the arm of someone who needs me as a trophy.why would anyone be proud to hang me on his arm?why would i even want to look like the lesser being??good God,that's precisely what mum was saying today about how i had to stop fighting for my own individual,female rights,and just let the guy take control.we're so different.she represents probably what all submissive females should be like,just agreeing with the guy in an argument so as to end it,whilst i just couldn't back down and let myself get trampled over by someone who threatened me only with physical advantage.like,you could beat me up to win the argument,but as long as my argument still stands the only loser is you.i am such a bloody feminist sometimes.exactly why my parents tell me i probably can't get married.every day i hear that.for a whole myriad of reasons.

these reasons do hurt.

and right now,i just don't feel like talking about it anymore.

it's beginning to look a lot like christmas

which means 13 days left to SMASH.david's worries are not unfounded.but then again my part is kinda falling into place slowly and i'm so fortunate to have the team behind me somehow.friday 9 30! i can't wait and i really hope it all works out and everybody will get along well.and have fun.

working with the younger kids is scary.i can't believe i'm this nervous about it,but i am.nervous not just because i have an important duty to carry out and things just can't go wrong.i'm also nervous because i'm worried all the young kids will hate me by the end of this week.maybe i really am old,scary and not to mention highly annoying.

thankfully i got 2 cards done tonight.one for mum and the other for pa,whose birthdays just have to fall during smash prep as well as next to each other.i wrote thoughtful things,in order to make up for inexistant birthday presents.i don't even have existant christmas presents for anyone.i'm just so busy.

is that a good excuse?

ai,i don't know.maybe i won't be able to celebrate christmas properly this year.not with so much work to do for smash.i bet the missions video is going to come flying right back at me from huey,who probably will not do much to help.oh well.need God's help.God's really efficient btw.bryan and i were praying for the filming this week,and today things just start working out.i don't even need 2 days anymore.everyone WANTS to meet on friday.talent-spotting is going to be easy(: where is my protege!!!!!

i was feeling moderately philosophical just now,but because i was trying to think about meaningful things to write on my parents' birthday cards i kinda lost it.at first i was talking to dave about pretty interesting things,which made me realize how idealistic i was,and how tragic it was all going to be if i did not wake up and smell the coffee.i hate coffee.it's bitter and tastes like spoilt chocolate (which i love).coffee is like the ugly reality to chocolate's sweetened fantasy.i was almost truly convinced that some people (most people,guys,to be exact) were never going to change and no matter how great they all seemed to be they will never be as understanding,sensitive and big-hearted as you wish they were.and no,i will never be the prettiest or best girl around.therefore i must accept my humble position in life and move on quickly from one nice but unreachable guy to the next.and erase all sad poems about the beautiful tragedy of life.no guy is worth it.i don't know why i bother.

whenever i'm in a lonely mood i miss rachel incessantly.she's coming back tomorrow! nobody beats rachel and her listening prowess.i miss her like CRAZY.my mind is otherwise in nothing but a whirl now.goodbye.

in sooth i know not why i am so sad,
it wearies me,you say it wearies you,
but how i caught it,found it,or came by it,
...and what a wantwit sadness it makes of me
that i have much ado to know myself.
-a very inaccurate quotation of Shakespeare

hold on while i blog

i had sudden inspiration today while talking to a certain someone whom robyn will most certainly snort at and tell me to go kill myself.the inspiration was for my msn nick,which is 'hold on while i end my relationship',and yes i know it is so lame but i thought it was so funny when it flashed in my mind.basically what was happening was because i was trying to hold like a decent conversation with that someone whom robyn would be rolling her eyes at now while reading this (if she ever does,which is never) as well as juggling phone calls about smash.i've been so busy i could just eat my handphone and my smash notebook.so whilst i was trying to say goodbye quickly in bid to end the msn conversation so that i could actually talk properly to joshua on the phone,i felt like saying (outloud,into the receiver) 'hold on while i end my relationship' to him (josh) instead of 'hold on while i end my conversation'.i bet this makes no sense.but it felt distinctly freudian.the actual words flashed in my head.

i could just end this post now and make everything seem completely pointless.

okay since i've just paused for 2 minutes wondering which part of my lonely heart to spit out and chew on in this post and not gotten an answer,i think i shall.

aaron is skyping me!

i was choosing between typing an emo blogpost and talking to dear aaron cheong.looks like i chose to talk nonsense with aaron.he is leading such a boring life,like most of us.aaron is also cheating people's money giving tuition.but i guess since we were all his students once,in a way,i can vouch that he's actually a really good maths teacher.it was either him or mr lam.the same way it was either saili or ms yip.

okay now i'm off skype cos he needs to talk to mel so i'm back to blogging BUT not feeling emo anymore so i guess i'll probably sleep soon so that i can wake up early and play with the hairstraightener or sth.i think i'm going to give up CSI too.i cannot believe sara's going to leave!!!!!! or has left,to be precise.i liked jorja fox and grissom together! but i felt that the 'i love you you love me' part was quite retarded and underdeveloped.

sigh.as tinsley keeps reminding me,i should just go and get myself a boyfriend.

M.T.

my life is such a holed out place now.CSI has come in and made me more or less unshaken by the most gruesome and gory.i thought i was falling sick yesterday after spending the whole day out with my brothers,cousin,aunties and grandma looking for christmas presents.i've only found my mum's.but i did get 2 presents from my brother and my aunties.

i know i've got such a lot of stuff to do,

1. bible homework my dad gave all of us to complete
2. FC reject video plans,filming schedule,actors (major sigh)
3. find the huge beach balls (personally)
4. recap video (omg.)
5. countdown pictures and powerpt.
6. meet kahleng,hopefully
7. meet nicole,really hopefully
8. meet my darling RACHEL HO when she gets back
9. meet tinsley ASAP (he owes me)
10. go shopping for everyone's christmas presents,after i make the list

now i'm talking to robyn online and hooray swan has agreed to come to church with me tmr again! there's lunch with the cell too.

i'm basically a very busy,but lazy person.

another adventure tomorrow night with swan to look forward to.think i'm going to recce for beach balls.i can't believe i have to get so much stuff done by FC meeting next week.that reminds me.i want to learn to DRIVE too,so that dave,darryl or evelyn wouldn't have to ever fetch me back home again.

OKAY I'M RANTING.

broken by lifehouse

that night i spent listening to gabriel's music has taken some sort of toll on me.i wrote a poem,something i haven't felt like doing in ages.

Jaded.
I ran out of daydreams to put you in
the more real you become to me
the more my memory of you fades away
your name no longer in the wind
i take you out of my pocket
and without unfolding you
throw you away
i will,i will,i will,
forget you one day.

i'm sorry,you.

a damn good literature piece that's lost its theme

was thinking of a good blogname because the days of freedom have already come.thanks to all those who patiently waited for them with me.ah.haven't blogged properly at all since A lvls ended.always felt that i had something better to do.so i procrastinated.

but now my mum wants me to do some bookmark thing for her,and so im using blogging as an excuse to procrastinate that for a bit. (:

well anyway the smiley face isn't fantastically appropriate to punctuate my writing,because i'm not supposed to be in the best of moods,the most inspired of times..whatever you want to call it.i'm still in post-A depression,as duane calls it.not sure what the problem is,but after taking dave's advice to get out of the house,which got me landed in some obscure part of singapore i never knew (so much land!) existed...ikea/courts/giant warehouses.i don't even know where i was.tampines? not sure.just took the bus.

and now i have a blister on my toe.

speaking of toes,i need to paint my nails soon.the red/blue combination that i was so tempted to wear into the prelim halls but decided that the stress of worrying whether i'd be thrown out by someone like mr ho was too great to bother with.

oh gosh,so much ranting i nv got a chance to do in months.no wonder i feel so oppressed and stuffed up with words that i would rather sit down and do nth,say nth.too much to talk about i give up trying.

i think i should call rachel and talk.so bored (though i'm supposed to be doing the bookmarks).i skipped vibe today because well,personal reasons,and did up my blog.which iv been long wanting to do.(that however,is NOT the personal reason) next wld be the classblog.but abit too much work for now.it's not even been a week since As ended (OMG.) and well,it feels like forever.time passes slowly and comfortably,i have time to sigh and moan about the useless things in life.i don't worry about what i need to do,i'm sleeping soundly.

i really feel very unoptimistic these days.maybe its some sort of hormonal thing (who said that again? david i think.) or some weird reaction to no-work.the possibilities stretch before me,endlessly.but i'm so caught up with this odd breeze of tragicromantism that daydreaming is just the best way to drift along,one of my favourite things in life.dreaming,thinking up my own story.being as lyrical about my musings.love that.

i have so many thoughts running through my head i feel like ranting on and on and on about.but i don't feel like telling rachel about it.HAHA.she's not the person to talk to about such foolish girly things.swan is haha.zwing too.oh yes,and steph.but aiya,only swan knows the exact details and thus i shall just not talk about it to anyone at all.hope i dun end up blurting it out to robyn or sth in china when i have one of those emo-moments.hope such moments nv occur! but i do hope i sort my issues out when i get to spend some quality time with God there.spiritual trip.i want answers.or rather,i just want comfort in Him.talk things out..be assured.

it bugs me every single day.

could be may be

spent a nice long day with swan.after church we went to ikea (somehow) and had a great dinner and an even greater talk.girl friends are like,so so so important.i love talking about things of the heart.

we talk and we talk,until i have nothing left to talk about.

talk and talk,and my heart no longer wants to talk about it anymore.

fell in love with a boy
but then he grew up to be a stranger
this man is just a memory.

grace in ace in grace

if there's something you can do for me,pray for me.not that i don't want to pray for myself,but just that these few days i'm just struggling to even see God's existance in my life.honestly.i bet most of it is my fault because iv been so busy getting overwhelmed by my currently dismal circumstances.but yeah steph,God's breaking me.with all my heart i'm still believing He's still doing something,even if i can't see it from my viewpoint now.i can't see anything.only piles and piles of econs to work on.waiting for my big break,ironically.because the more i look forward to a good pass in at least one econs test before the As,the more ms yip gives me that look and asks why i'm still not studying.it's like one blow after another,wondering when my salvation will come,striving to learn my stuff well,and then being told nothing i do seems to show i work at all.i don't see why God's doing this to me sometimes,because it's never happened before.i've never panicked so much before,felt so beaten and downtrodden before.some sort of abject hopelessness that washes over me every day,and all i can do is wait to exhale,breathe in the beautiful blue sky air again.when will it come? i ask myself,and possibly God,a lot.when will it all come? can i face this? i hate crying.i was so pissed off with myself last night as i sat down and wept like an idiot for the 3rd time after being told again and again by my mother that i seemed to know nothing substantial about econs.knowing everything in the notes,but understanding nothing.the feeling got me so drained,angry,frustrated,yet void of every emotion possible at the same time.tears start not meaning anything,just the water of my soul pouring out in anguish only my head understands now.my heart feels so separated from it all,and i wonder,where is God? what is God doing? but i guess closeness is not just a matter of feeling.belief goes beyond feeling God's there.sometimes it boils down to just knowing,understanding.God will break me,then He will mould me back.He will dismantle my proud self that once stood proud and self-reliant.He will put me back together,but differently.and all i can do is wait.work and wait.try to pray.i don't know what to pray for anymore,it seems.good grades? too shortsighted.spiritual uplifting? too vague.peace? too easily confused with complacency.strength? too heavy for me.

God,God..it really feels as though you've forsaken me.although i know you haven't.but where are You now when i need You to show yourself the most? i'm tired of looking.tired of trying.tired.

tired.

a largely unhappy one

haven't been happy since the postprelim party ended.2 weeks left.i'm very tired.

think i've learnt to stop expecting things.because expecting things have been proven time and time again to only hurt you.i'm thinking..thinking..seeing..believing..wishing..

i don't even know how to describe the state i have fallen in..drifted into.i may be praying,but not expecting.

at times i forget what life used to be like,taste like,smell like.how faith is spelt.

you can go on with your life,float on it,enjoy it.relish in its metricious beauty,limitless wonder.be stupefied,petrified,

while i learn that happy no longer is much of an option.because that little key to happiness just doesn't seem to turn the right lock.my dreams and my reality have ceased to fit.it has become such a drag to face another day,yet long for more ahead before D Day comes.i'm stuck in a dimension i wish i wasn't part of.

it comes back to haunt you,again,again,again,

i've become a cynic thanks to the victimization of circumstance.

which is such an unfair statement to make in front of God.

just can't help feeling this way.just can't.....

just can't.

"Don't give in to discouragement..even when you try..but don't succeed. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people's opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus."

-Mother Teresa

facebook

i'm hooked.

now's not my writing hour,don't feel particularly depressed or emotional or whatever.had 2 instances over the past few days.one was sparked off by the pro-ana documentary i caught on channel 70.left me feeling very sorrowful and confused.which i have been for 2-3 days now.then today i felt inspired after message because it addressed a lot of key issues that have been surfacing in my life.walked home thinking about how i wanted to make a difference in my life,to take up esmond's challenge and hear the truth.believe the truth.and change the way i've perceived things.as my dickens' notes kept harping on,sometimes the change simply cannot be of the society,but come from within the individual himself.very true.

couldn't stop thinking about what esmond said that night we had the serious discussion over life issues.and what the psychologist on oprah was saying about forgiveness and embracing life for yourself.what darren said about being empowered by the truth,to be set free.came to the conclusion after all the pieces fell together,that i need to forgive myself,accept my circumstances and embrace the life that stretches before me,in misery or not.

if i were to put all my grievances down,stop blaming myself for the road i'm on and start taking it all in my stride,leave the past behind me..life would be so much better,so much less tiresome.so free.

so i decided to make the choice.take the leap.and find new found confidence,a real step towards standing up for myself and trusting God to be in full control.not to be swayed by what the world whispers in my ears or shouts at me in attempt to tear me down.after all i can't forget what this woman on oprah was saying - if you change the attitudes you take towards yourself,you will change the way people around see you.think beautiful,be beautiful.

self-progress is such a scary yet wonderful thing.dickens will be proud of me.

I am probably one of the most honest people I know." - Nick Carraway, The Great Gatsby

"..it's like i dropped all notion of love,submission,gentility,care...when i lost him.he didn't define me,but he definitely was a big part of me.and it's a huge part i have learnt to live without,albeit in a very dysfunctional and tragic manner.im a hazard to myself.louis is like an alcohol.a drug.sth that drowns the loss i felt that day.sth to help me forget the pain i had to live thru trying to handle him.and im horribly addicted even though he is back and we're good and normal.

God........im so sorry." (taken from the secret blog)

I will always remember that Saturday, 2 weeks after our whirlwind friendship ended so abruptly. 2 weeks after I hung up. I stood there in God's arms and cried my whole broken heart out.

I did love him, so so much.

estella where art thou

my fingers freeze and i don't know what to write.

don't know what i can write.

don't know what i can bring myself to write.

it's come to a point where i have to force back my honest emotions.because they will only destroy me once i let them out.without sounding wilful and stubborn,i shall ignore the stiff dull pain stirring inside me today and pretend no one ever said anything.pretend i don't miss you.pretend i didn't want to talk to you.pretend i'm just like anybody else.pretend you're dead to me.

but isn't that what life is all about these days? frantically steering our boats away from the shore towards the wide open sea,as we hold tightly to the rope connected to land,refusing to cast off,yet refusing to remain bound to where our hearts truly lie.

It always begins with us running away. Or maybe it always ends that way. But as what T.S. Eliot profoundly noted in The Four Quartets, what we call the beginning is often the end, and the end is where we should start from.

It is this very irony our worlds revolve around. How the end is too coincidentally the bringer of many things more. When what should have been the ending of a perfectly happy, or more realistically, tragic story, rarely fails to spark off yet another chain of beginnings. They say the end never comes.

So we run, but you probably want to know what we're running from. At times we convince ourselves we're simply trying to escape our dire situations. Nobody thinks much of this explanation, of course. People like us are envied, despised, looked down upon, dead frustrated over. Deemed immature. As though every moment of our sorry lives is spent trying to spread our wings and fly in desperation to leave the nest. But in all this turmoil, all this confusion, we assure you we have not even lifted off.

People our age are too prematurely stereotyped, carelessly forced into the perfect fit of what them older and wiser people think we should be. Our fears, our thoughts, our hearts, good as condemned men - the world's burden, joy, and future. Sometimes there are just too many things we want to be ourselves, too many things we are made out to be. It's enough to push a young mind over the brink, over and over again.

But all this is not what we're running from. In their bid to get us over and done with this reckless stage, the fathers and mothers, ours or not, altogether renounce their days of angst and choose to see us with hardened, old eyes. They have seen everything, they say, your problems were our problems. To them, we exaggerate the picture, we live in perpetual overreaction. Our age speaks our ignorance; it will all be okay.

Will it?

We thought they were right. We thought it would go away, leave us alone. This ravaging beast called Fate, snapping feverishly at our heels. It wouldn't stop at anything. Not even when we scream and beg it to stop, let us off because every ounce of our blood has drained and dried. This is what we're running from, friends - we're running from what is to come. We believed wrong. What they told us was wrong. And they themselves read our story and are suddenly reminded of our desperation. A feeling they once felt, now buried under Time and the grace of forgetting, discarded and annulled.

Don't you realize? Everyone around us were traitors after all. Deep down inside where the blood has ceased to flow, they knew. They knew everything. They pretended otherwise.

And did you see us? We were always there. All your life, lying in your memories, you and us, one and alike. Look at us, and see your weary self. We look at you, and in your pain-filled eyes we see the broken images, all bits and pieces torn and tattered. Traces of us.

This is the end we start from.

And you know, of course, that it has already begun.

Possibly one of the worst pieces of writing i have ever done.found this in a notebook,dated 2005.good emotional therapy,however.

gdnight.

memoirs

rach,remember this last year on my old blog?

final scene: rach stands beside the canal at the railings...looking forlorn and tired out..waiting for him (unknown suitor) when suddenly chia comes up from behind

rachel: chairman--- i mean, chia?

chia: hey...he (unknown) won't be coming anymore.

rachel: why?..

chia: he (unknown) knew abt the incident at the teahouse.he is a man of principles.he is not one to forgive.

rachel:...im sorry..

chia: i should be the one who needs to be forgiven..not you

rachel: what do u mean?..

chia:..iv let you down..

rachel: but you're with sonia (now it's SJ)..what could you have done to let me down?

chia:...if only i had told you the truth earlier

rachel:..i do not understand..what truth?

chia:...remember how i used to sit in front of you in p6?

rachel:...i never will forget it.

chia:....did you ever wonder why i chose to sit in front of you?..
rachel:...you mean you......then why not next to me?

chia:...so that i could be certain that all the time...you would be looking at me.(HAHAHHAA personally find this part very funny)

rachel:...why din u tell me earlier?!
chia:...that's why im sorry...(rachel starts crying and chia caresses her face before holding her close)

*passionate kiss*

this is the end of Memoirs of a Gei-chia.final scene only (:

it's dangerous to even re-blog this,since i'm in VJ now and God knows how many VJ ppl ever read my blog.hopefully not too many.anyway don't know what more i want to blog about how i just rewatched geisha.i love it.i love the way everyth was pieced together.but i still think the story falls short because the chairman WAS MARRIED AND HAD KIDS AND WAS 30 YEARS OLDER THAN HER.it's impossible to think how much of a love story that can be.i also think iv blogged abt geisha 3-4 times already.it never fails to just mesmerize me,enchant me.

i have a lot to say.but not on this blog.

this could break my heart or save me

joanneee/the truth is in here says:
i think im destined to remain single
i hold my own too strongly.
i have - amazing magical powers; and am peculiar in the head. says:
nooooooooooooooo
im sure there're guys out there who admire pple like u
really

why does this topic keep coming back to haunt me? last night slept at 4 talking to rachel about it.talked to kahleng for the first time in AGES just now and it's what came up.talked to esmond and i don't even know how it digressed into that from how i had just watched 'i not stupid' initially.i don't know.very unemotional tonight.so i have not much thoughts.not tired either.just void of all emotional vomit.

I don't know, I could crash and burn but maybe
at the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
3 months, and I'm still breathing.
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in
but I know,
it's never really over, no
3 months, and I'm still standing here
3 months, and I'm still remembering
3 months, and I'm still sober.

es,whatever you gave me tonight beat natural confectionary hands down.thank you.

love,hope and redemption

"Love is a self-inflicted pain.
But in pain, we find redemption. Only in redemption, do we understand
love."

3 things i did with my life today.

watched the shawshank redemption,the show my father has harped about for years.my turn to harp about it for years now.it blew me away for 3 hours.what can i say?it was astoundingly powerful.pure pleasure for the imagination.watch it.

after hanging around for a while,talking to rachel (finally) and going for the after-dinner walk,i waited for the classic and il mare to load.filled up my scholarship form because my mum kept reminding me to,then watched the classic first.the classic was really sad but it ended badly.too cliche.the mother's story itself was very oh-my-gosh-no!!!!!! i liked that story.however it didn't help that one of the guys looked like keith wong.not too bad la.but i wasn't moved that much.

after deliberating whether i should give up and sleep i didn't because it was only 12.so i watched il mare for the next 2 hours.the original lakehouse.very good.very cleanly romantic.because both characters never actually met and talked till the last 1 minute of the show.i liked it though,despite the fantasy plot (yet again).so much better than lakehouse.the subtlety of koreans does work wonders when it's korean.not when it's translated into sth so showy and kissy,like lakehouse became.keanu reeve's wooden portrayal falls way short of the korean guy's performance.i actually liked him (korean guy).but then again i felt that the characters were a little too one-dimensional.

a good story needs you to be able to remember the names of the characters,for one thing.i've clean forgotten all of them.accept the shawshank one.andy and red.ahhh.something people subconsciously bother committing to memory during the show.maybe i was chatting too much with rachel whilst watching.hmm.

i don't know.these days love stories just don't get to me the way they used to.probably because i gave up on every last one of him.

there they go.

wonderful tonight

yes esmond the song on youtube is very nice.sorry but i have no idea how to find THAT version for you.sing yourself la.

anyway SECRET was what i wld deem,nice in the last 5 minutes.before that it was like wth is going on,this is laggy,this is wasting my sleep time (it's 2 now!) and worst of all the script was like NOT ACCEPTABLE.i would have rejected it.but i did come close to crying.in the last 5 minutes when he found her again after playing that song.i hate UNREALISTIC STORY LINES.this one was WAY OFF REALISTIC.i don't like incorporating fantasy into stories that could make so much more impact being honest and realistic.i think a good story is sth that people can see themselves living,and question their takes on love in their own lives.having an enchanted piano book (oops,spoiler) does not make that cut.for one,i can't even play the piano that well.but of course,i LOVED the piano parts.hated the flirting parts (99% of the dialogue throughout the movie which showed mostly jay chou n The Girl).but being a sucker for guys who play piano (shut up esmond),yes,jay chou forever.

nothing beats poetry of course.which reminds me how i haven't written anything poetic/prose in AGES since mugging for prelims (i realized i mugged for close to 2 months and went on a sabbatical from all things fun).just don't feel that inspired when your brains taken up with chugging information.which i have temporarily QUIT now.totally chugging MOVIES instead.tv.computer.doing nothing.life should always be this way.but going back to the point on writing.i realize that when i'm in the zone/mood i can really write.like,stuff i can't imagine myself writing now,cos my brain has been destroyed by a story like secret and movies like she's the man.but when i get all emo and on the brink of breakdown i compose like the best pieces of prose/poetry ever.i like what i re-read.im proud of what i re-read.zwing says what i write doesn't seem to fully encapsulate the intensity of emotion i go through in real life (as she's gone through with me,many times) but i think she also said sth like i still put it very aptly into words in a manner hard to replicate.i WISH i was a professional.been wishing that since i was 4 years old.it was the first thing i said i wanted to be when my mum asked me.a writer.and i really wrote poems and stories down on paper,it was actually my hobby as a KID.i look back and realize how much nonsense iv been penning down over the years.just that i grew busier and busier and the length of story i could pull off grew shorter and shorter.into just a paragraph of prose.okay this is the worst example of my writing hahaha i'm rambling.

tomorrow/today i'm going to watch shawshank redemption (maybe,if i'm not too scared) in the afternoon and geisha with zwing at night.hooray.maybe i'll be inspired to write.hope i can sleep in and beat that stupid body clock of mine.

okay time to enjoy my sleep now.lots of time for that. ((((: SMILE SMILE SMILE!!!!!

nth gets me in the good old heart like you do(:

i am thoroughly annoyed by my computer.and thoroughly happy my brother's apple exists.very tired now.all i can say is.omg i love a14.i loved today.i loved hairspray.i loved cartel moments number don't know WHAT.

i love whatever my life is now,only 1 letter and 2 numbers.

to huishuang: omg i can count too!(:

did i mention that prelims are over?

to esmond: it's GOOD that they're over,at least(:

i can't stop smiling my silly little smile,the one that you all know so well.it's the smile of my own little victory.

to God: omG,thank you^1000000000000000000.

reality check with jonk.

pablo neruda,my absolute favourite romantic poet.

sorry for NOT blogging at all during my major prelim week.actually,duno why im even saying sorry.but sorry i guess,to all my fans out there,like those sweet people on my tagboard.SWEET people on my tagboard,i repeat.one sweet sweet man.

can you believe today i didn't go to church because i got stressed out by my mum over what to wear so i conveniently used it as an excuse to throw a tantrum and not go? how stupid is that.don't know what wilfred owen's been doing to me.i've become temperamental and borderline insane.oh joy,i should just check into craiglockhart hospital too!

the best part is,my mum wasn't even affected by my upsetness.she found it funny.and so all i had to worry about was getting God to understand that this had NOTHING to do with Him at all.i felt so guilty steph had to call me to convince me i wasn't the biggest criminal on earth and God wld be okay with it,this once.i'm sorry God):

i also felt a bit scared someone would turn up with my much awaited natural confectionary fat-free fruit salad gummies and i wouldn't be there to be the proud receipient! i'm surviving on kitkats from dubai now.omg.steph,start screaming at me.

oh well as the exams draw to a close the freak out madness has been dissipating,fluctuating just before the paper and then dying down as we go into a oh-whatever mode.steph and i even debated about how hot dead poets were yesterday! she's going to say i started it but hey,she continued it.but to simply put it,dead poets from the early 1900s were like hot.like really! i think lord byron belonged to the 1800s,but his name alone makes him sound hot.like how hot is a guy who writes "she walks in beauty like the night"? very.

so there's brooke,owen and sassoon.brooke's slightly older I THINK but hey,he was the most handsome out of the 4 heavenly kings of hot poet literature.okay i found a picture of byron and he's only good looking from afar.he looks abit crappy up close.but manly,i guess.HAHA omg.

rupert brooke.gorgeous,smart,and dead.

lord byron.manly,romantic,and dead.

siegfried sassoon.suave,intelligent,and dead.

and the man h2 students love and hate.
wilfred owen,greatest war poet of the WWI.
sensitive,emotional,
and dead.

Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda.
give it up for the guy man.

"Can't bring back the past? Why of course you can!" -Gatsby

Come up to meet ya, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you, tell you I need ya
And tell you I set you apart
Tell me your secrets,
and nurse me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start
Running in circles, coming in tails
Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart.
Questions of science, science and progress
Don't speak as loud as my heart.
Tell me you love me,
and come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.

I guess I'm just sorry.Gatsby and Daisy would have never
worked out anyway.And you were my Daisy.of ineffable magnitude,grotesquely painted on,imagined,perceived,given too much perfection to ever bring to life.of a
dream you can only fall short of.I die to the dream today.

prelims start tomorrow.

colorgenics does it again

Your mind is never at rest.You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard. Take it easy - remember, 'Everything comes to those who wait'.

You are working extremely hard trying to improve your image. You need for those people in positions that matter to recognise your potential and to acknowledge you.

You wear your heart on your sleeve and since you are an emotional person you are apt to give your all - heart and soul - to all those that show you a little affection; but take care - it would appear that you have been extremely hurt in the past and you keep leaving yourself wide open for punishment.

It would seem that an existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory and you feel that there is little that you can do about it without 'some help from your friends', but you have no desire to show the world how vulnerable you really are and therefore you consider it inadvisable to display affection or be over demonstrative. You regard this particular relationship as a depressing tie and although you would like to be independent and unhampered, you don't want to run the risk of losing anything. All this leads you to react 'touchily' and with impatience, while the urge to 'get away from it all' results in considerable restlessness and stress. Your ability to concentrate may suffer.

You are anxious about all the limitations to which you are subjected to at this time. You feel that you are not valued for what or who you are. You need OUT. So why procrastinate any longer - MOVE!

i love colorgenics hahaha.the link is somewhere in my first few entries. [steph,say OMG to this post.]

love carried the cross meant for me

suddenly,things are looking up.because somebody prayed.

thank you.you know who you are.

When all you've got is a seed, plant a tree. God makes it grow.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Then pray for God to add the sugar.

when life gives you a lemon seed

i'm suffering from something known as conflicting emotions syndrome.as i have been,for the past 2 days.but today i feel it.it's a strange calm,like at a front (cold front,warm front..geog stuff.).a front where i am facing my future and my distant future.i somehow am contending with both aceing my A levels,and getting married.or not,which is more exact.

i can't help it,i mean ask steph.the question of the future does not just include the A levels.the realization of how adult i have to be by the end of it all,as well as how single,is impossible to ignore at this stage.today i got up and thought about it.i went to sleep last night thinking about it.i worked on 2 econs essay plans today (that's about it) and strategized my week,yet again.but after i finished it,i'm still experiencing a strange peace.a lack of emotion.i'm not freaking out you know.i'm just doing what i can,seriously.i don't know how much effect likuang and eugene's words of wisdom on how to contend with exams (for guys) have hit home.i am NOT panicking like i did 4 weeks ago.but neither am i READY for my prelims.should i be feeling scared? last night was radical..but i admit i was just neutral through it.like i couldn't make connection.this morning i was wondering if i was just jaded,but i'm not upset.i'm not worrying.in fact,i gave up on those things quite some time ago.

is this complacency? defeat? surrender?

alot of things are running through my mind now.something to do with having no capacity to love,no feeling left in my cold heart,a world-weariness that comes with repeated reading of notes,endless To-Do's.i don't have an adrenaline rush as i study,i don't feel like i'm doing battle here.i now function with little sleep,but i barely feel the strain.i live with minimal human contact,but i only know i am lonely,but i don't sense the suffering of solitude.i realize that i am someone with so many issues that prevent me from truly enjoying my relationships,because i am so insecure,so easily shaken by rejection,so unsure of another's love for me.i don't believe in love,but to be exact i don't believe anyone can love me.i want to,but inside i know it is impossible because no one can handle me.i don't want to make anyone else hurt for me,bear the pain of myself with me.i don't need a boy to sacrifice his sleep for me when i despair at night.i found solace in that,yes,but my neverending thirst for perfection and my wish to possess it will never be satisfied.i dream of perfection,because i am so harshly conscious of my imperfection.the sorrow that runs so deeply in my heart,cultivated over so many sad years,will never run dry.i put my hope in people i see as perfect,yet i am forced to face up to their flaws.i tell Jesus i love Him and i know with all my heart that He loves me too,but there is a sort of flipside to it all,because i know no one else on earth does as purely as Him.no one else can.not without judgement,not without bias against my stark imperfection.and it leaves me questioning every day,if i even love myself.

i say all this without a tear.

SWP*

studying together is the shit too,but in a good way.

MATHS,GC,Just for US,pink pencil and me.

US.funny how it says 'RABBLE' (rebel) in the background.

haven't blogged in ages.i have as usual,alot of things to rant about but my bed is calling out to me to sleep.last night i pulled an all-nighter.or should i say an all-morninger?because i ended up falling asleep at 8 plus because previous night was BURNT talking to aaron on skype.the hangover by dinner time was so bad.oh well but i slept for only abt 5 hours before waking at 1 (AM) sth and thus decided that i had gotten enough sleep,went back online and warmed up by talking to esmond till 3.and then he went to sleep and i started math full-steam.i am proud to say that i have fulfilled the promise i made to myself to finish first 2 sections (Just for US and The A Leveles) of the 6 chapters in Just For US in a record time of 7 days.that's 130 long and tedious questions on calculus,complex numbers,sequences,functions,p&c and vectors for you.me.us.

sheer determination and perserverance.with alot of prayer that God will help me get the right answer somehow.but i realize that even if i used wrong methods and stuff and made careless mistakes in the process,i uncannily revised things (that weren't even necessary or relevant to the question if i hadn't made previous careless mistakes in my working) that i never could understand.and ended up learning more stuff through the stupid mistakes that veered me off-course.i honestly think God had something to do with it.

i have a lot more to go.i realized the key word for today is 'alot'.yes.that is state of my mugging.alot left to go.not alot done.hahaha.and iv been very incoherent online these past few nights thanks to being glued to the phone answering and asking math questions with my dear class mates,namely swan,aaron,steph and tonight it was mercy dearest.i almost ended up typing stuff about calculus into the conversation boxes i was handling.MC was asking who on earth chats about math.

i said,desperation changes people.

1 week left.
*solved with perserverance. (definition:written next to questions i thought i cld never solve,but did because i bothered thinking.also used to create a false but comforting sense that i am somewhat of a genius)

God asked

"You are,I know,the most incapable person - weak and sinful. But just because
you are that - I want to use you for My glory. Wilt thou refuse?"

-Jesus to Mother Teresa,as accounted in one of her prayer dialogues with Him.[READ TIME'S LATEST ISSUE]

the question is to us all,really.and i can't help yelling NO in reply.plus a very big thank you,that God should ever choose me because I am not good enough.

a very wow moment indeed.

china rock la

found these at engrish.com and i don't think iv laughed so hard these past days till now.there are loads there but these few almost reduced me to tears.have a good laugh everyone(:

Take a piece of trash home today.

knew something wasn't right about that place.

one of the world wonders,just after the Great Wall.


that's not my thing.

what's for dessert?

all other animals..keep out.

you said it!

self-explanatory.

what will crippie and gravid do to those who don't?

we never quite figured out what kind.

reasons why people stopped eating here.

Can't...stop...touching...

that was a mouthful.

those bloody feminists.

mr josef must NOT see this.

a life without you scares me more

spent what felt like an hour looking for Just for U,only to find it was right under my economics books in a very 'just there' position.it was the most excruciating search of my life.like something along the lines of looking for my future husband.

last day in school tomorrow,and i finally aced my gp essay today with 54%.my education opportunity in VJ more or less ends here.look back at my first in-VJ post and you realize how time never gives you too much of a chance to memorize it all.missing my VJ life is going to be an understatement.

in late february last year i was forced into VJ arts fac due to poor O lvl results,very much to my despair because everyone said arts fac ppl faced about zero future.i spent 2 hours deliberating whether to take TSD,as many other ppl said this wld be the most worth it arts course to take.i talked to TSD ppl,i talked to geog teachers (the choice was between TSD and geog).i had previously thought i would nv want to take geog or lit again because physics and chem was the way to go.that day i made up my mind with huey ying's help and made the decision to take GLME and enter the notorious 06a14.i remember praying and telling God i knew He was in complete control,and this was going to all work out despite my drastic change of subject combination,my loss of my first VJ friends in s56.

the next day in my first geography lesson i met the ppl who would change my life forever.sure,grades are hard to get,but i'm challenged to think beyond my spectrum of mind,because arts exams hone the analytical section of the brain.TSD turned out to be possibly a bad influence on my walk with God.geography and lit make my day.the teachers are fantastic,even mr kan.zwing was the only thing worth taking from s56,which never fails to pale in comparison to the ever dynamic class i now am blessed to belong to.i've experienced real joy with the most real people i might ever meet.God really has been in complete control.tomorrow,it all ends.

but our legacy will live on.

i think i'll cry my heArt out w1thou4 you

i call this the "this is what we mean when we tell our parents we're studying in school late" picture.trinette and hueyying,the respective mounds.

the 2 bens.i just had to take a picture.

GP essay that i did.the last before prelims.Q2.

trinette sleeping on her bio textbook or something.

royce(: oh and jwei in the addidas jacket,far left.

steph and i,being bored.i mean,steph's dreaming about someone.but i'm just taking a photograph.

my stuff.a LOT of stuff.

the BOARD says it all.board,bored.get it? :) thought that was very funny.

esmond and minchieh,me and steph with a disgusted face,me and rachel who visited.times of my life i really love school.

<3

every day a14 sinks indefinitely into its inevitable last moments,and today i don't feel stress,i just feel sadness that this is the last proper week of lessons i'll ever have in VJ.4 days to GP.normal class ends this friday,forever.no wonder i've been feeling this urge to hug everyone i know in VJ.my chance may never come again.

3 things that summarize my day,as usual that quintessential (i bet i spelt that wrong) spoonful of drama:

1. i'm incredibly hurt by ms yip's meaness towards me in econs so i cry for the first time in class.
2. i'm deeply moved by mr josef's parting words during our last lecture with him,i almost cry.
3. i'm greatly distracted by esmond's presence during my usual study time,i could cry.haha(:

going to sleep and i think i'm going to pon first part of school tomorrow to sleep,and do correlation or something.will see mr kan and ms lim later on.very unpoetical way to end my short post,so i shall leave mr josef's super moving last words to us.i think i'm finally convinced that his sarcasm and harshness to us all this while was just to push us to always believe in ourselves and fiercely push our limits no matter what preconceptions we may have had of our lowly,uneducated selves.i bet he knew it'll work all along.thanks Mr J.

"Before the prelims, don't believe anything you hear. Believe half of
whatever you read, a quarter if they're RJ notes. But the most important thing,
is that during the exam itself you must believe everything you write."

good day

i had a good day.
don't know if i'm working my brain as hard as i'm working my heart though.
i love my friends.
life has taken us such a long long way together,really the way the river runs from its source to its mouth. (: before we all plunge into the deep blue sea of adulthood at the sad sad end of it all.

the transience of youth,really.

i don't know where we started

thanks to coming home a bit later today the amount of precious time i got to laze around at home while still fully awake was cut short,threatening my plans to either continue studying geog or to sleep early.actually those plans have ceased to exist as of this moment.

spent today wasting my breaks first discussing with saili mel and likuang (i love you guys) about our inherent lack of GP foundation and thus malthus theory like GP fate.not quite malthus la,but definitely NOT boserup,who's an optimist.stupid ****.OKAY stop swearing.then i spent my second break with my class,which decided to eat together since our days as a bunch are rapidly drawing to an end (so sad la,please) it was very nice talking nonsense and laughing with royce,steph and swan..although i don't really remember what was so funny anymore.royce's funny faces (those contorted with embarrassment and indignance) will stick in my mind forever and make me smile years from now (i love you guys!!!).

mr josef posed the hardest question to us today,which i also deem as the stupidest and meanest.we spent a weekend as a class putting together essay plans (working on them ourselves,mind you) and finally when we ask him to check through for us to make sure our answers are alright he gives the bloodiest ultimatum that it's either we let the whole geog cohort photocopy our essay plans which means he'll look through them,or he won't if we decide to be rightfully selfish.omg i seriously felt like regurgitating all my MR=0 facts there and then when mel informed me of his shit.thanks to daryl for teaching me MR=0 and public goods stuff before that in lecture,i can fully support my answer that we're being the world's first idiots who bother producing goods at MR=0 relative to a whole lecture group (who on earth is dumb enough to volunteer time and effort to compile ESSAYS while the rest sit around and study sth else,saving time as we do the hard labour for them?omg.) MR=0! geog essay plans are collective goods! they're non-rival and non-excludable ONLY if we choose to make them public by like,letting someone like mr josef armtwist us into photocopying our work for them just like that with a threat of not marking them at all! nobody else in the world will do it if there's such a thing! it's worth doing NOTHING and waiting for the essays to fall out of the sky (or in this case,stupid hardworking people who collate them for class purposes only initially).and we get NOTHING for it! in fact,we're producing something at such high cost (time,people,time!) whilst everyone else NOW can freeride and get it for nothing.

i only did GP essay and karst/inselberg stuff today): tomorrow we're meeting as a class,together with ms lim (hooray!) to settle the geog essay plan issue.i hope i can either argue my way out of it and convince everyone,like i think i did with the prom issue previously,that we must fight for our rights,as mel says.either that or i exemplify what WWJD is all about.

i'll spend the rest of tonight hoping God will make me less of a hypocrite by tomorrow.

the desperate say shit

while steph says coffee,i have to stop saying shit.maybe it's ms low's influence from today's shit-hurry-shit-hurry lit tutorial,which reflects the mounting anxiety everyone is feeling as prelims draw nearer,and nearer,and nearer - shit.

it's impossible not to get my drift.how about a list of words to help explain the convection currents churning in my heart? fatalistic,panicky,uber-stressed,exhausted,perplexed,pessimistic,miserable,inconsolable,erratic,numbed,desperate.

it's so hard,it's so taxing.it's so demanding.

please,

joanneee/life in monosyllable. says:
i'm.............

help me.

ho talks.

"...jonk wasn't wrong in saying that we have to work within the given time frame for exams and that the challenge is in trying to produce a good essay in and hour or sth. and the skills cultivated are essential. however that still does not sit well with me at all. to me, that's still the system speaking. i don't know if she knew it, or rather bothered about it, but it really did frustrate me that what she values in her education is sth out of her being conditioned by it. like miss lim i believe, i still understand that these systems to yield results. and order is necessary. but we need to be aware of what's going in our heads and coming out. and why, and how. i'm more concerned about the system limiting our views and the way we think, not being the best means of promoting learning as i value it. really learning and engaging each other in learning, being passionate about it, the depth of it. and yes, it works in ways, but in others it's utterly unfair in judging us who might stumble in some areas. cause the system is and trains people to be unforgiving, but it's all paper chase."

read rachel's blog.

i will never really be alone(:

this type of life is totally draining physically,but so totally worth it.i'm once again accomplished today! running on 1% of human battery now and am about to totally go flat soon so i'll say a few things then leave.

the highlights of today were teaching stepho hot spot theory,sitting through mr josef's side-splittingly funny lecture on birth control,having aaron and rach as my human geog remedial tutors,learning how to use a number line to do summation with steph from aaron's math genius,and studying around the clock till 10 with huey and ben which let me finish loci,katrina and a bit of gatsby.i'm extremely fulfilled.

study buddies rock la.

:D :) :/ :O :\ x zzzz.

complexed.

i just spent my entire day figuring out complex and tomorrow i'm going to do loci and finish it if possible!hoping to move my math along abit more so i can really chiong human and econs.sigh.okay enough of work,although that's all that's on my mind given the fact that i just spent 15 hours in school today,and most of it was chionging.

class guys were totally rubbish today.first daryl banned me from making any quick movements because it supposedly disturbed the peace around him.aaron called me and steph the greatest noise makers,generating more noise than all the rest of the girls put together.during geog tutorial mr josef made fun of me many many times (along the lines of lion king) and i don't think the boys could have been better satisfied.when i saw royce and aaron going into the library after school they told me "NO we are NOT mugging!".when i got back from lunch both of them were apparently sleeping at their table so i went over to wake them up but instead saw royce peeking suspiciously out from under the piece of paper that was covering his head.then aaron started laughing from his slumped over position and said it was "royce who planned it".they were hoping i'd leave them alone or better still miss them completely.what idiots!but after sharing our a14 escapades with huey and ben today,i realized how much i absolutely love my class.

i hope life continues getting better,just like this(:

a little faith can go a long way

there's nothing my God cannot do.

thanks huey(:

4:50,and i'm home

this is somehow not a surprise,if i get home early,i'm online.why do i fail to impress myself by sticking to my work?today can probably be summed up as the day i actually contemplated giving up.i don't have to elaborate on what one does when giving up.to be precise,one does nothing.

it's like on one hand i'm guessing yip and kan are trying to inspire me to work really hard and prove them right that i can be their star student.it's a gut feeling.but it isn't enough.because today,failure doesn't inspire me,it doesn't give me a shove taunting me to shove back real hard like i am fully capable of.today the fighter within me sat down and cried.no i haven't cried in real life but i think somewhere inside me something's crying its eyes out.and then i thought,what if i just didn't study for A levels?certainly wouldn't feel too much different from now would it.just stop strategizing like crazy every day.stop taking out my schedule and reshuffling things around.stop writing on post-its all my to do's.all my to do's that are rarely completely done.

it all comes down to 3 words.3 words God has heard over and over again.okay great jared has disrupted my moment of unhappiness.with the thing i love alot.video editing.but the show must go on.

3 words.

i'm so scared.

this is the last time i'm coming home early.

still chasing waterfalls after all these years

tlc is so over,but the 'chasing waterfalls' song brings back memories haha.i remember some ppl were so crazy over it.well,it is pretty catchy.and geography sounding.oh bleagh.

"don't go chasing waterfalls,please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to."

now you're telling me..

okay actually i don't totally get what the song is talking about,but i'm guessing it's about how i should lower my standards instead of chasing after absurd dreams.be realistic.

school's starting tomorrow after a week of national day closure.i sense some world-weariness stirring within my tired heart.this is as exciting as reality can get.

i want to tell you everything,but only if you'll listen.

this must be the way God feels about me.He has so much to talk about,so much to share.He wants me to know everything i can possibly understand.hear about His life,be happy with Him.be sad with Him,learn about the stuff that bugs Him.intimate details,funny slices of life.yet all i do,is respond with barely a 'haha',sometimes a forcefully understanding 'i see,okay'.and God's struggling to communicate,have a two-way heart-to-heart thing over here.but i don't seem interested in what He has to say.like what He's trying to tell me isn't worth a second thought,needless to say a deep ponder..not even a proper reply that shows that i'm giving back,interacting,loving every moment we're having this discussion.i'm too busy to stop and talk,honestly.that's what i reason at least.God's important,yes.but He's always there,He can hold on while i get my life back here straightened out right?He knows i've got loads on my mind,my heart..i can't just put down everything and talk about it,can i?talking never solved anything.these are my problems.this is my life.God can wait.my words,my body language,my input to the conversation He's trying to start - they only say one thing.I don't have time for this God.and there goes the precious moment.every life-changing,burden-sharing,strength-giving thing God could have told me if i was just willing to shut up,get in-tune,and wait upon Him..i miss it all.but it isn't too long before sweet reality kicks in and shoves me back into combat mode.and God quietly says,"anymore,and you could have fallen in love with me."

why didn't i see it earlier?God likes me.

a summer of sorts

i don't know if it is the toll of the weather,or the consequence of whatever medicine i'm currently chugging.i'm dying of heat ever since i had the flu.on one hand it's such a dread to bathe and aggravate my cold,but on the other i'm finding myself sweating it out in my room for God knows what reason.maybe my aircon is spoilt.but who the hell feels hot in aircon in the first place?

it's august now.august in the northern hemisphere is the time of summer,whereas in the southern hemisphere it's winter because now the sun is over the tropic of cancer.it's the summer solstice! but then again Singapore's kinda at the equator so i'm not sure what difference it's all making.the equinox isn even here till late september,too.bah,geography.

nothing special today,or yesterday,or yesterday's yesterday.spent about 5 hours sitting in the balcony battling the heat of both the sun and the mighty slow printer trying to compile whatever the teachers had graciously left on blackboard for whoever,whatever,hardworking soul to download and work on.papers,papers,papers.i swear i could have printed over 200 pages worth of geog (especially geog!!) and lit.if this doesn't get me my A (which i'm totally banging for),i don't know what will (i could have saved all that paper!!).

ah well,i'm quite unproductive this week.not too bad progress but there's still so much stuff to be done.i'm up to my neck in paper (omg.) strewn around the room,not to mention all the carefully filed paper (omg.) in the many many files quietly waiting for me on the extra bed.how they beckon to my weary soul! (omg.)

speak of weary souls,i couldn't go to church today (sorry es HAHA.i felt only minutely guilty.) because of this progressive flu thing.i'm not sure if progressive means getting better or worse because in this context,i feel much worse having to cough every few minutes like i'm dying of TB or something,but then again the cough should be the last lap of a flu,right? i promptly fell asleep after trying to read the last part of market structure stuff.for 4 hours.and i'm off to bed in any moment,again.i am such a hero.

school's starting in 1 day and ending in 2 weeks.the prelims are that near.my hair can practically catch fire being so close.that is,if i haven't already pulled out all my hair trying to read through microecons (yet again) and worrying about all the complex and correlation tutorials i have yet to do (hooray!),plus all the human geog readings i have yet to start revising.i have relapsed into being a study freak!i can't even hold a decent conversation with anyone unless it's about 1. prelims or specifically, A levels 2. (i just typed 3,what is happening to me!) how sick i am,both of studying,and also really sick 3. my quickly diminishing social life,which,i quote myself "i can't hold a decent conversation with anyone",would leave me with no "anyone" to talk to anyway.

as irony would have it,this post makes me sound so interesting,doesn't it.

laughs cynically before cooking up another coughing fit.