when life gives you a lemon seed

i'm suffering from something known as conflicting emotions syndrome.as i have been,for the past 2 days.but today i feel it.it's a strange calm,like at a front (cold front,warm front..geog stuff.).a front where i am facing my future and my distant future.i somehow am contending with both aceing my A levels,and getting married.or not,which is more exact.

i can't help it,i mean ask steph.the question of the future does not just include the A levels.the realization of how adult i have to be by the end of it all,as well as how single,is impossible to ignore at this stage.today i got up and thought about it.i went to sleep last night thinking about it.i worked on 2 econs essay plans today (that's about it) and strategized my week,yet again.but after i finished it,i'm still experiencing a strange peace.a lack of emotion.i'm not freaking out you know.i'm just doing what i can,seriously.i don't know how much effect likuang and eugene's words of wisdom on how to contend with exams (for guys) have hit home.i am NOT panicking like i did 4 weeks ago.but neither am i READY for my prelims.should i be feeling scared? last night was radical..but i admit i was just neutral through it.like i couldn't make connection.this morning i was wondering if i was just jaded,but i'm not upset.i'm not worrying.in fact,i gave up on those things quite some time ago.

is this complacency? defeat? surrender?

alot of things are running through my mind now.something to do with having no capacity to love,no feeling left in my cold heart,a world-weariness that comes with repeated reading of notes,endless To-Do's.i don't have an adrenaline rush as i study,i don't feel like i'm doing battle here.i now function with little sleep,but i barely feel the strain.i live with minimal human contact,but i only know i am lonely,but i don't sense the suffering of solitude.i realize that i am someone with so many issues that prevent me from truly enjoying my relationships,because i am so insecure,so easily shaken by rejection,so unsure of another's love for me.i don't believe in love,but to be exact i don't believe anyone can love me.i want to,but inside i know it is impossible because no one can handle me.i don't want to make anyone else hurt for me,bear the pain of myself with me.i don't need a boy to sacrifice his sleep for me when i despair at night.i found solace in that,yes,but my neverending thirst for perfection and my wish to possess it will never be satisfied.i dream of perfection,because i am so harshly conscious of my imperfection.the sorrow that runs so deeply in my heart,cultivated over so many sad years,will never run dry.i put my hope in people i see as perfect,yet i am forced to face up to their flaws.i tell Jesus i love Him and i know with all my heart that He loves me too,but there is a sort of flipside to it all,because i know no one else on earth does as purely as Him.no one else can.not without judgement,not without bias against my stark imperfection.and it leaves me questioning every day,if i even love myself.

i say all this without a tear.