eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

beautiful show.i finally got down to watching and i really really loved the concept.the cinematography.the way it was translated into film and story.amazing.michel gondry is like a master.to be able to use visual methods to convey certain emotions and journeys so accurately and creatively is so admirable.i am blown away.

also very tired,and not dying anytime soon contrary to prior belief. [: things are looking up.

"i'm just afraid i will spend my whole life waiting for you.and you never come back."

facing the road home

i may be sick.not a cough cold flu kind of normal sick.sick as in,really sick inside.i can't even describe the feeling.i don't know if there's anything really wrong with me.as much as i wish it's just my imagination,something isn't right.i can ignore it,but it's there.in my breathing,in my heartbeat.

i'm not scared,since i can't even imagine what could be the problem.i don't even know where to start.it's so dismissable i may one day forget about it.or it could be a major thing.i could just go suddenly,unexpectedly.i don't know.at least i know where i'm going,and all the good stuff that's coming.the people (and very important person) i'll be meeting,a beautiful home to return to.

the only thing i actually want to know,is whether anyone would notice if i was gone.

forever.

the emo song.

what if i fall and hurt myself

would you know how to fix me
what if i went and lost myself
would you know where to find me
if i forgot who i am
would you please remind me
'cause without you things go hazy

do you know greater love than this?

you really never know.

just watched 'definitely maybe' and it was actually pretty good! it really made me realize that at the end of all this struggle and confusion we're going to wind up as parents to kids who may just want to know all the shit we went through finding the person we finally love for the rest of our lives, and then we're going to have to recount everything we're going through now to them and tell them the story of how we met their dads/mums.a very scary thought indeed,the way the movie put it.quite aptly though.we just go through so many different relationships with so many possible outcomes over the years.we never know what's coming until we get there.then we'll breathe,hopefully,a sigh of relief and go 'ohhhhh so he/she turned out to be the one'.very scary.

i mean the way ryan reynolds recounted each of his ongoing love stories over the course of his life to his daughter made me just think about what it would be like telling my story one day with the end already known to me.without worry of who it might be,because it'll,hopefully again,be a happy ending..just telling it and being happily nostalgic instead of painfully clueless,as i am now.it makes me think about all the relationships i've gone through and wonder myself who on earth would emerge winner at the very end.then i can tell all my stories in peace without worrying 'what if he's the one!!!!'.i always think of the worse case scenarios actually.so it's a very harrowing experience,telling a story without an end that i'm sure of.

most of you have heard my very interesting stories on life and love.i just hope that one day i'll be able to tell you the full thing,and tie it up nicely with the most beautiful ending even you couldn't imagine.the stuff God thinks up and creates perfectly in real life. [:

on a very random side note,this was possibly my favourite quote from the movie,where april describes a guy she meets on a beach in crete:

"he was brooding and sexy,monosyllabic and totally my type."

besides the fact that this is [SPOILER ALERT!!] the girl/bestfriend ryan reynolds has been in love with all the while (which scares the shit out of me for reasons some of you will know) and that she also walks away from this guy she was talking about in the quote because she realizes at that point that she loves ryan reynolds and returns home to him (which also scares the shit out of me due to a reason related to the previous one)...

i'm kinda in love with a guy just like that now myself.

i'm hanging on
another day
just to see what
you will throw my way
and i'm hanging on
to the words you say
You said that I will
will be okay

to the last breath i draw,and beyond

it is a funny,vulnerable feeling.
to see something awesome,but not have the urge to pick up your phone and message that person about it immediately.
to be bored out of your mind on a smothering afternoon,yet have no one readily in mind to call out.
to hear one of those feel good love songs playing in the background,but have absolutely no clue who you're supposed to think of.
to no longer be finding reasons and conversation topics to talk to that person about,possibly every second of the day.
to not exceed your message or call time limit,for the first time in years.
to sit on the bus alone and to really be,in every essence of the word,be alone.
to see other people being together and loving it,but no longer thinking,if only a miracle happened to me too.
to no longer know what i want.

the largest bowl of mash.

i've just consumed what was possibly the most amount of carbohydrate in the past hour.thanks to my mouth's unfortunate inability to chew anything harder than liquid/mush/mash,i should be thankful for the huge bowl of mash potato i just had.am still in screme now relishing in paul's very nice present of fullhouse WITH english subtitles.although it can't play on my ipod,it's still one whole item of my wishlist! hooray!

2 more hours till my next class sheesh.the sleep monster is slowly attacking..not that it hasn't been trying to devour me for the past 4 hours since i had to wake up for FA.FA is quite crazy,but not as mind bogging as biz law yet.perhaps i should be good and go to the library to study..either that or the driving booklet.etrial is tmr omg.i'm so not prepared.

okay too full to think now.am exploding.imploding.not sure.byee.

someone numb the pain.

today two things were hurting.my entire set of teeth,and my heart.

i'm not sure which hurt more.

this is my damn secret.

1. i always thought that we owed the people we secretly loved a duty of care to let them know the horrifying truth one day,so that in their saddest and most lonely moments they would remember that there was indeed at least one person who thought they were worth it.

2. i never dared to tell you earlier,because out of all the rest i thoughtlessly informed,the thought of you knowing and never talking to me again was something i would spend many years preparing myself for but never getting any more ready.

3. i risked it all because it would have made me happy if i were in your shoes,i thought,and when i finally did it i was trembling up to my fingers and tears were threatening to run down my face.

4. i don't think it made you happy,although you tried to tell me that it did.it made me feel sad because i had sold my secret for no return,and now i had nothing left to cherish and protect.and what i had been guarding all these years apparently meant nothing to begin with.

5. i did cry,in the end.

6. tomorrow we will go back to normal,and you wouldn't know the difference.

a few things not to do this year.

making promises to self to do certain things in the new year is possibly one of the lamest and stupidest things to do.next on that list of stupid things to do when a new year rolls around is to wish people happy new year because if you think about it you're feeling all wonderful and friendly just for that magical hour after the clock strikes twelve but when you wake up the next day nothing has changed at all,really.the smiles and hugs and screaming hasn't improved a thing at all.the hour after new years arrives is enchanted.people stop regretting things of the year before,stop hanging on to long-standing inhibitions and just give it all up for that one hour of merry making.i have to admit falling prey to the magic of new years last night.or almost doing so.but being the stubborn/self-controlled person that i am,i got over it before i could sell my soul to the night and woke up with a massive hangover,but no life change.

i crafted my new years message to my friends carefully,along the lines of what i really felt were important whenever a new year comes.all that whizzlefizzle about losing 10 pounds and getting a GPA of 4.0 just falls flat because nobody really remembers these things.how on earth do you do that when the 365 days of the year are choke full of a variety/combination of problems,new people,projects,heartbreaks and eye candy.likes,loves,wishes,hopes,dreams.the human mind wasn't programmed to actually remember all that stuff said on the very first day of the year! it's probably the LEAST remembered day of the year in fact.

so here are a few things i wish NOT to do this year,based on what i DID last year,at least i have one whole year's worth of past experience to scare me into doing the right thing this year:

1. not to procrastinate when it comes to driving.made a 1% effort last year and that was proven not good.
2. not to be anyone's emotional backup plan.don't always be the good samaritan!
3. not to be so forthcoming and open (and dramatic) about how i feel,because it only comes back to haunt you when you change your mind.
4. not to forget that in everything God has some great divine plan,as miserable and unchangeable as some life situations may be.
5. not to be so hypochondriatic.trust God more and worry a whole lot less.
6. not to miss the moments that could change your life by being afraid of losing out in active participation of them.i'm still wondering if i should have said something last night.
7. not to lose myself in my work at smu.which means abandoning the friends who matter and being too sian to go to church.
8. not to be a complete spaz in front of certain people.
9. not to be too confident or too unconfident.just enough confidence is apparently sexy.
10. not to get emotionally involved with anyone at all.but at the same time,never stop dreaming.

oh yes i think lucas might want me to add this..

11. NOT TO SPOIL ANYMORE GADGETS.very very very very important.

by the way,by the divine power of God,my dead laptop battery/charger miraculously resurrected at the start of smash preparations yesterday afternoon.hallelujah worthy or what! btw,SMASH was pretty darn good. [: