whirlpool of injustice and heartbreak

“These days she says she doesn’t remember much about those times. She’ll smile in an unusual way, laugh in kindly appreciation of a painful lesson gone by. But it’s the eyes that give her away. You see, in her eyes flash photographic memories of him. These are the windows to the heart she no longer opens. If you ever bother peering in when she’s not looking, there is dust upon the clutter of words she’s never spoken, a yellowed pile of letters she’s never written. And if you press your ear gently upon the pane and listen hard, down within the deepest recesses of her soul her tears are still raining upon his indifference. For every other girl he’s ever kissed, for every second she's waited he's dismissed – she fades like an old photograph into a colorless dimension of cruel reality. You just can’t cry your heart out and emerge from sorrow’s clutches the very same person.”

last night I made a man
out of pillows and forgotten
fragments of clothes
we’d pushed into my drawers.
I held my pillow-man’s hand
and made sure he wasn’t too warm
because it is summer;
I’m on the second floor;
and that was always your
biggest complaint.

this morning I tried to shower
but would turn off the water and run
like a soapy dog, complete with
loyal tail wagging, to the door
thinking you’d come knocking.
You hadn’t.

tomorrow will taste like
the food of a week ago
and I’ll wear sunglasses,
which, if you know me,
(and you do)
will seem out of context
and like a little girl
playing dress up.

I know there are supposed to be
thunderstorms, perfect
radio love songs, movies with Meg
Ryan and wondering when we’ll meet
again,
but God
doesn't budge on the details.

-poem online, which i thought was so sad and perfect.

all that drama

got back from dramanite an hour ago feeling,dramatic.not too sure about the extent of truth on that matter,but it was definitely fun hanging out with zwing on our hellbikes again(: sad thing is,we both (we all) have the A's to worry about and math is like,the number one annoyance.

tried doing vectors today,but cldn finish on time before we had to rush off for the plays.i'm so tired now!will try to finish it later.

i need to go on a homework spree.i need to feel accomplished.i need josef tan to stop being a nag just because i'm lagging on one set of readings.

i need to finish that set of readings! it's been lying around for like ages and ages!

SHIRTS CAME TODAY BTW.OMGOMGOMGOMG.(:hooray!!!!

i'm so sleepy now can't really rmb what i want to blog about anymore.maybe there's nth.OH i know mr josef wants me to blog sth on cosiety about teachers being the slaves of syllabus.but my vocab is horribly stuck and i'm never in the mood for serious blogging nowadays.

not when there's lines tutorial to be done.

"My dear, before you go on living in your fairytale that she's all you
ever wanted, control your thoughts and think deeply -- does she make you a
complete asshole to the rest of the world? Has your desire to bitch incessantly,
despite being male, about everyone who unfortunately walks past you increased
irrationally these days? Have people been avoiding you whenever she's around? Do they smile sweetly in admiration when they see you together or cast
condescending looks in your direction? If all options apply to your current
relationship, please wake up quickly."

everything has a part 2

okay sense and senselessness aside,i feel like blogging about my rather interesting day but suddenly i don't feel like it.got drenched,walked to school very ironically with justin and the nice lady's umbrella,stole zwing's slippers,changed into PE shirt,was wet for the rest of the day,finished poisson tutorial at one shot after school in the library with royce and steph.

how mild.

but one quote shall sum up my day:

"The more I know of the world, the more am I convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love. I require so much!"

-Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen

I'm impressed someone literally took the words right out of my mouth.

senselessness

Stephanie Chua wears her heart on her sleeve, and when she falls in love with the not-very-dashing but definitely unsuitable Tang Jiawei, Benny Chin, Conran Chia, Chook Kumkay, Harry Cheong (etc etc) she ignores her sister Jonk's warning that her impulsive (and incredibly stupid) behaviour leaves her open to gossip and innuendo. Meanwhile, Jonk, always sensitive to social convention, is struggling to conceal her own romantic disappointment, even from those closest to her. Through their parallel experience of love - and it's threatened loss - the sisters learn that sense must mix with sensibility if they are to find personal happiness in a society where status and sexiness govern the rules of love.

-Sense and Sensibility (part II) by Joanne Austen-Kwok

"It came to a point finally, when I forgot I had once
loved you."

我会好好过

你的爱很像泡沫
太轻或太重
都不在手中
我的爱就像天空
太放或太收
你都只是风


你来过却爱上自由
你出走我不问理由


我会好好过
等你再爱我
总有个角落
会让你想起我
我会好好过
等你再爱我
向右或向左
都有我站在这里守候


你留下很多
够我面对寂寞
寂寞不重重
是爱太多
当你回头看到的一定是我

ugly betty to frog boy

yes melvin, she loves you.

dear jonk,you rock.

you can't not love it if you're from 06A14.actually even if you're not.

I'M LIKE SO EXCITED FOR IT TO BE MY SHIRT. (: ah,for now i've really outdone myself.i cannot cannot cannot WAIT.pat on the back for me.

my color profile

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence.

You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.For some time now you have been feeling rather insecure. You are looking for - and needing - an environment that can offer you roots, stability and a position that will relieve you of excess tension and stress.

Your involvements seldom measure up to your high emotional expectations and your 'needs' to be 'loved' and 'cared for' have in the past often led to extreme disappointment. But a change is in the wind - make a firm decision to start anew. Just 'think' it..and it will happen.

From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.

Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.You don't like conflict and you endeavour to avoid criticism. You want to do your own thing and to be able to decide what is right for you. You have considerable personable charm - and this is used with considerable effect on those that keep your company.

by paul goldin's colorgenics

how excessively true.

famous last words

this entry is for swan,im sorry you didn't get your gold with honors for guitar.but im sure you got the gold and not the silver unlike what i cruelly predicted this afternoon right?(:

anyway,whilst i was thinking about you (swan) through dinner,not because of some twisted thing but more about what we were talking about today,i wrote down some lines of stuff on my lit h2 worksheet which i finally managed to squeeze some crap annotation out of.here goes.

Famous Last Words

I keep all your messages
For what, I can't explain
I haven't read them since that day
Because that day I heard the truth
And I knew everything you'd ever said
in those messages
Were not what my heart had chosen to believe
then

And if I were to see your words again
(not that I don't remember every one of them)
my heart will find out I lied to it
I don't think it'll ever forgive you
if it knew you never really loved me;

we were a true tragedy.

"Memory takes a lot of poetic license. It omits some details; others are
exaggerated, according to the emotional value of the articles it touches, for
memory is seated predominantly in the heart."

- The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams

surprisingly,or not,steph also picked out the 3rd paragraph of the Scene One.which is that one above in blue.how typical both of us.

yet another friday

it's slightly hilarious how i spend every saturday feeling upset that the weekend,though barely started,is also almost over,because then i'll have to spend sunday feeling hopeless because another week of a Friday will come again and ill have PE in the morning which will force me to feel bad about not running enough to save my life plus get me all sweaty (and with that black hair spray) i'll have to bathe super fast (something im not known to ever do).

i hate running.

but the irony of it is that most tuesdays or wednesdays il be down at the club running to save my life so that i won't feel so bad by friday that im feeling so unexercised and lazy,and also a very slow runner.i think Fridays spoil my week.its like this stain on my otherwise happy life that wouldn't go away.it more or less,you could say,serves as a reminder that i suck at running.

omg.

besides the point that that was an extremely weird bout of honesty coming from the influence of reading too many blogs that spew 'i'm an 18 year old and somehow enjoy my everlasting freedom of everything'.i wonder what ppl feel like after reading my entries.tai-tai?philosopher?fantastic blogger? HMM.

okay so im more inspired to think im not the only person who hates PE out there,because my class loves it,and i must pretend to like it.i mean it IS fun after i get thru the thousand rounds mr seet requires us to do,when the games start..but the fact that napha is somehow in 2 weeks (i bet) i bet that we'll run a lot tomorrow.

sigh.

SIGH doesn't even encapsulate how melancholy i am envisioning my state tmr.

what if he takes timing?!?!?!

i went to sleep just now in the full knowledge that my thursdays are slack and so are fridays (except for PE).iv given up the desire to be good and show up for third period PE,especially after mock napha where i passed everything EXCEPT RUNNING.which is so old news already.i mean seriously.

tomorrow,mr lim's not going to be around so i won't be dreading malfi classes because i personally find them boring (no insult to mr lim i just hate malfi).also,i think (and hope,like everyone who hates malfi classes with mr lim) we'll be joining mr ho's class which in more ways than one is going to make my day.daryl already kicked my chair last friday.but did i mention how damn good mr ho is? oh,right.

i have some lit h2 worksheet to annotate.how do you annotate the scene descriptions of plays?!

but that's all for tonight before i sullenly tuck myself into bed with my PE bag on the floor.

tomorrow awaits.all the best of hoping and praying!

loving someone you don't even know

"shit."

i hear it everyday,but till yesterday and possibly today,i never knew how much emotion that word could hold.it was that one word that defined everything a person could feel and had gone through,a qualifiable description of right and wrong all messed up into "what the hell is going on".

for one person,shit meant i can't believe i thought i was in the process of extracting myself from the confused tangle iv gotten myself into and actually am still stuck right in the middle of it and this is not what i want,despite what he wants.

for the other,shit was i can't believe everything i thought could make up for everything i never had in life was actually a big fallacy because that thing has just extricated herself from the whole freaking equation;but i'll give her what she wants.

okay so i probably am somehow not qualified to make any unbiased comments whatsoever on the current situation playing itself out like some sort of korean drama right next door to my little self-absorbant life style.if i had it my way i would be keeping my nose out of everything (really) and being happy with my class and mugging with 4As in mind;nothing else.but since i also am somehow included in the equation,which is uncomfortable because being third wheel is not very fun at all especially when im like the bestfriend of both parties and thus still cannot make a judgement on either without contradicting all my advice in the end...............only God above can save us all.

we're like stuck in this pit we can't get out of.

on a lighter,more inspirational note: been reading boy meets girl by joshua harris and its seriously one of those 'makes so much sense' books.he hit the nail straight on the head.the same way adam met eve,when God finally brings you and the person He has prepared for you all these years you haven't met together,when marriage is finally on the horizon..it'll be the way he brought eve to adam when he made her (perfect for him by then,and on first try to save time).you'll see the man/woman God has specially crafted for you,molded and customized for you as he/she grew up,and suddenly everything you've ever worried about (such as,getting married or not being perfect enough for someone to ever like you) disappears.because you're not going to marry just a Someone.you're going to marry Him/Her.an identity already well-known to God before you were even born,even as you fell in love with Someone Else as a kid,was certain you could never love Anyone Else when you fell out of love,and definitely when you thought He/Her was the last person on earth who'd ever take a second look at you and think you were the most perfect thing in all entirety that He/She had ever seen.

i mean seriously,God is way too cool.

and everytime im like "Dear God please don't ever make me end up with someone like him." (i.e. any extremely gross guy you happen to know),what i forget is that God will never let something like that happen to me,as in NOT that extremely gross guys are unmarryable (who knows,our dads could have been like that to our mums last time),but what i mean is that God will never force me to marry someone i won't like.the person He means for you is someone who fits you perfectly in terms of personality,spiritual walk,temperament,likes/dislikes..ppl who ultimately marry are compliments who in the end find completion in God together,and definition in the perfect gift God has given them -- love.

"When I meet you again I'll understand
why we always ended up in the same
places, why we always saw each other but
took so long to properly be acquainted.
I'll probably laugh at the way you
used to wear your socks, you'll never let me
forget how I tied my hair. I'll
look at you then and think of you now, and
realize how true it was when I
joked incredulously about how you'd be the last
person I'd end up
loving for the rest of my life."

back to God's good friend

i hope that when all this is over,as in,my little dramatic life,God will point to me as i enter heaven and go "hey that's my good friend Joanne/Jonk/that naughty girl!what took you so long man!"

i always loved to think about God as colloquail.(:hee.fact is,i talk to Him as i would a really good friend,a buddy.recently i've been trying to include Him in all aspects of my life,so that just in case i was in some manner slipping away from Him because of all the drama and misery,He won't lose touch with who i was and vice versa.

"Dear God,he is SO CUTE." something along those lines.

anyway last night i finished zenzele lit essay,and more.i got back with Jesus.thanks to david really,who gave me an unexpectedly fantastic pep talk,either that or i just listen to him alot since i trust him and the 5 years of friendship we've had.come to think of it he's one of the few ppl on earth who really understand the way i function.thus my week draws rapidly to a close,and i have hope today on my shoulders with wings.as april speeds by and stress mounts..the only one who can get me through all this is God.i better remember that and not break into little bits again.

"Dear God,please help me through this week.be with me every moment of my days,that i may experience your loving guidance in each step i take.bless others through me and give me a good week(: with meaning,with good memories,and joy of my salvation." <3 Jonk 090407. [Monday]

definitely came to past.

"The very same God that spins things in orbit
Runs to the weary, the worn, and the weak
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me Victory

Now I know, my Redeemer lives
I know, my Redeemer lives
All of creation testifies
This life within me cries
I know my Redeemer
He lives"

zenzele

"To love is a
beautiful, mysterious
event; do not miss it. Be neither too cautious nor too
absorbed. You will meet
many men in life. Allow none to tempt you to abandon
your principles. Follow
what is right. You are a strong girl; let no one
break you. There is no man in
the world who is worth our dignity. Do not
confuse self-sacrifice with
love."

-From Zenzele, by Nozipo Maraire

i shall blog abit before i embark on my prose essay.ah,zenzele,you are a rare bird,distinguished by your colorful plummage,graceful flight and beautiful songs.

that's just a bit of what the prose is about.speaking of being compared to an animal of some sort, i think mine shall go sth like 'ah jonk,you are a lion,a king in your own right,permeating all life that stands before you,woven together like a power unleashed,a hurricane of energy.

whatever.

okay so i'm spending another wasted weekend (it's already saturday) and i still have that long list of homework waiting for me.too much drama has distracted me from my real life,or is this just my real life altogether.musicfest..drama-mama incident on thursday night.everything.i'm a mess flung in different directions again.but with one purpose.i need to finish that lit essay soon.AND i'm very thankful to be in fellowship com with darren,robyn and david.sigh,highlights of my life (DAVE AND ROBYN I HOPE YOU'RE READING THIS),and it's been this same old glorious way for years now. (:

but no more time to elaborate on how great they are.i took up too much time on that bit;)

MORE LATER.MAYBE.

"tell me you see beyond everything I've ever seen myself as, and I will run
with you and never look back."

when all else fades

A few things to blog about over these two days.Yesterday was like some sort of tornado on my poor unsuspecting life. First it was really really fun filming with Robyn, Brand and Rubez at my house and Trinette's. Then it wasn't so fun getting told that I was to stop filming because things were getting irrelevant. Honestly, i spent like 3 hours crying till 12 plus before i quit being so upset and started having life-issue discussions with daryl till 1. it was nice, so therefore i thanked daryl for being such a good listener by screaming extremely loudly for him (whilst sitting in the VIP row) and yeah The Camels won!

GOOOOOO DARYL! a14 has achieved something!

i really thought they owned the whole band competition,but mainly because shiva's band didn't make sense after a while.i couldn't hear anyth debbie was singing except the crescendo parts.which definitely was a waste because i also thought they made really good contenders for the first place.to be slightly mean i think we all appreciated debbie's singing so much because at least it wasn't shiva.who still has the most showmanship,however.but zac vs sam chao at guitar solos? hmm.all i can say is they definitely beat mr lim's though haha! such talent.i was reminded a lot of wieky and HIS solos.oh and gab soh too.in any case i'll never play the guitar if my hands don't grow larger.

anyway since i'm still suffering from that splitting headache from all the guitar screeches,will end off by proving to everyone with a photo that i most definitely can join dragonforce.

running with You

God, it's time to turn back. i can feel it inside me. i'm ready to run like crazy back into You. the conviction has never been stronger. i love You. use me again for Your divine purposes. This is just what Jesus would do. boundless love, it's time to carry me. (: ah, joy.

back on my knees, and i see the cross again.

at Your cross.

from the inside out

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I
stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will
shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all
fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing
myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when
all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from
the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love
you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never
ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to
bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

St. Ress

i'm possibly completely incapable of writing a decent post..but since brandon has yet to arrive i guess il rush one before we proceed to have that all important the Hunt meeting.

im completely stressed out,in case the title didn't prompt you to think so.but since,again,i'm too flung in a million directions at once at current moment i'm going to have to describe vaguely why.

Stuff to Do:

1. finish reading last set of physical geog notes (2 weeks overdue)

2. geog question to be answered by this thursday! (geog CT:40%)

3. human geog readings (3 weeks over due)

4. o'casey lit readings by morris (super damn long)

5. stats 2 tutorial (by wednesday!)

6. maclaurin's assignment (very soon)

7. meet Brandon and settle filming schedule (in a few minutes)

8. money supply tutorial (by wednesday)

9. read extract, annotate and do h2 lit essay (by next friday,OMG)

10. read econs case study notes (since i forgot to bring them for tutorial today,sheesh)

and they say it's only monday.oh well,here's a little something to look forward to.

i must stress over the unglam moment this morning one day.brandon's somewhere around my neighbourhood already.OKAY BYE.

fighting for our right to love

i'll make this a short one: last day of the week!

i'm such a slacker but school's still manageable.stats 1 in painful progress.i've been sleeping quite a lot..scream! scream! scream! wake up,jonk.

first vibe meeting tomorrow! (:

note to self: akon is a such a hypocrite.but whatever,i like his other songs.

nobody wanna see us together
but it don't matter
no
'cos I got you(:

a very good friday

It's a four day week, hallelujah. i'm kidding.

anyway it's going to be a very very good friday, as usual. because Christ died for me and everyone else!(: it's not like good friday is an opportunity for everyone to show how holy they are, because that's ultimate crap.but it does remind me that i'm a christian and it's high time i started activating my faith again.i mean,this year i feel very slack,very gone-cold.i don't know what it is..what's causing my spiritual stagnation.it's like iv not been very on. and speaking of on, mr josef and the guys messaged me the word 'On!' (except daryl, who messaged 'off!') nonstop whilst i was trying to sleep in the PT just now during econs..maybe it's time i pressed the 'on' switch on my whole spiritual life and started doing sth about living out my faith.it's an awareness i have every single day, that God's just waiting for me to start our run together again.

it's terrible.i'm so sorry God.seriously behaving like a spiritual KID la.need to be more grown up!or at least, not so immature.this friday it's time to get serious.after all, i do miss being so close to God..all the good times we had together!

anyway my computer is so laggy now.will wax lyrical about Jesus more later(:

boundless love,
come carry me;
to the place
where I at last am free.
where I belong,
and You will be;
where all of You
is all of me -
boundless love
come carry me.