sunkissed,i mean frenched

despite the thunderstorm predicted, aw, me and steph(:

ben:)

thanks to our little suntan spree this morning to afternoon,steph and i,are possibly the most burnt people in class.although im in more pain because im usually as white as a ghost and steph's already black.i look like some overcooked thing.

okay my brother has just said goodnight,pink freak.so much for kinship.

then we were watching this really sad korean show moment to remember and i felt like crying a second time,really.it was so moving.it inspires you to do many things - do such a great screenplay and film it,be able to act as convincingly as the two hot leads (maybe without being hot),aspire to have such a great love story (which however had better not involve having alzheimer's) and perhaps lastly to cherish moments to remember so that they become a part of you,never to be taken away.did i mention how hot jung woo sung is.even steph was won over by the middle of the movie.

we spent a good deal of time talking about the most intimate issues of our hearts today,steph and i.im glad i didn't get emo halfway or sth and start crying,but instead i was encouraged and reminded of how much God loves me,despite what im seen as,despite everything i may seem to be and don't want to be.i thought the most interesting discovery about the differences steph and i have,even in our numerous similarities,would be that her autobiography would make people laugh with the lack of severity she views her life with,while mine would make people cry because of the intensity of unhappiness i leave concealed from the world.zwing would shake her head at this.

anyway having no exams for now does leave time for me to just sit back,relax and be emotional all i want.think about this and that,feel empowered by God's promises in a spiritual high,then sink to the depths of hopelessness as optimism drains away the more i gaze in your direction and the more perfect you become against all that i am and have to give.

i'm dying to say the words
but i don't think you'll know the difference
between both my lie and truth
all spelt i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u

because the you has changed.

i am so annoyingly cheesy,seriously.

what if she's not pretty

now THIS is the class picture of the year.
girls, girls.
no comment.

it's like 1/3 over! the common tests 2 are OVER! i don't know if im gg to screw it up or what,but think overall everything was okay,even maths (though i possibly lost half the marks already not being able to do like a lot of questions).how optimistic.

beloved a14 came over to steamboat tonight,they left an hour ago and my stomach is totally ringing with overload.great idea steph(: despite having to wash up a gargantuan piles of dishes and everything else needed to be washed,i'm glad we ended off with a bang.like seriously,bang.

now that things are more or less over,if i have not mentioned it,it's time to catch up with all that holiday i sacrificed just to make it through my books and notes.my room is in a mess.procrastination today,is king.i'm going to sleep.after i hang around doing nothing without much guilt FINALLY.

but it all returns to haunt you sooner than you know,you know.

I was following her through the familiar corridors of the second storey. There had always only been two storeys, and this one was the narrow one. Today I felt claustrophobic, though I had earlier rushed into her arms for our usual embrace and was comforted (I didn't know why I needed any comforting) by her huge presence. You're so pretty, I was saying admiringly, but her hair looked longer than usual and she wasn't quite the same. I cannot recall if she said the same back. She probably didn't. In a few steps we had found the room where I was supposed to find him, time fazing by so quickly the way they do in dreams. I recognized the heads that turned to look at us as we burst into the room, two figures brimming with energy, ever ready to entertain. I didn't see him, nor anyone who usually was with him. Deep inside I already knew despite my vague awareness of myself, that I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for you. Through him, I had a piece of you - so I was always looking for him frantically whenever I lost him, a great unexplainable fear ripping inside me, that perhaps this time I had indeed lost hold of you forever. And then as I walked across the room, lips in a half-smile waiting to shine for him, somehow for you, when I heard a voice behind me call out for me. I turned, eyes tearing away from my search, stumbling urgently into yours to complete the hello so I could get on with goodbye. And in my nervous intensity fraying along the edges of myself, I paused, and without much of a glow offered a sorry I can't talk now I'm looking for someone "Oh hi."

I later woke up and realized you were my lost and found.

And I'm thinking,
I dare you to not be ashamed of me.

you&i.both(:

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

Others only read of, of the love

Of the love that I loved

"...until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me."

sam called tonight

night draws down its blinds,and i'm quivering in the potency of secrecy,memory,and longing.

but i refuse to love you,even still.

disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with sam.

50th post,david's birthday

this is my 50th post,19th June 2007.i have only a few,if not poignant,words to say before i actually start doing work (time now is like 5 sth if im not wrong).

after 3 weeks of hitting the books rather regularly,there is still this sense (especially after reading mr josef's emails) of 'i am soooooooo screwed'.

save me.

and happy 21st david.(:

put a diamond where her name is

kill me now.i'm a mugging disaster.which is equal to i have not been mugging.this is out of pure honesty.so all you people waiting for me to confess my inadequacies so that your hearts leap in fervant devious joy that you've already beaten one more person hands down,get the party started.iv just spent the last few (few=quite a lot) days of my life doing absolutely nothing but preparing for fathers' day and basically what the lay men term as 'playing'.

oh gosh kill me i'm multitasking again.i need to be doing some normal now (normal distribution,you uneducated freaks.*sorry*)! i need to get off this blogging lowlife and msn scum so i can focus AND sleep for early lit class tmr! in all filth and essence,i need to M-U-G.

and then there's this little black thing called my heart,which appears to be lying facedown somewhere squelched miserably in a lonely pool of mud and despair.

it sucks when you're not the one.
goodbye.

"I saw your face, in a crowded place
and I don't know what to do;
I will never be with you." oh screw it.STUDY.

beautiful saviour

And the cry of my heart
Is to bring you praise
From the inside out of my soul
Cries out

momentifying today

Today I will delete from my blog two days: yesterday and tomorrow
Yesterday was to learn and

tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do

today.

Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.

Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.

Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only alternative is to succeed.

Today I will invest my most valuable resource:

my time, in the most trascendental work: my life;

I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life.

Today I will defy every obstacule that appears on my way,

trusting I will succeed.

Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile,

with the positive attitude of expecting always the best.

Today I will make of every ordinary task a sublime expression.

Today I will have my feet on the ground,

understanding reality and the Lord's promises

to live out my future.

Today I will take the time to be happy

and will leave my footprints

and my presence in the hearts of others.

Today, let us begin a new season

where we can dream that everything we undertake

is possible, and may we fulfill it

with joy and dignity.

Have a good day today,

and an even better one tomorrow.

(:

-email.

you,you are Lord

As I pray and wait upon the Lord
I know your grace
In love I am restored
As I think of all You've done for me
The mystery of your love
Who walked upon the sea?
Who lived to die for me?
You, you Lord.
You are Lord
As I look upon You
I am changed
I can feel
Your faithful love for me
As I sing and worship you
I find I have no words
To describe your love
Who watches over me?
Whose love has covered me?
You, you Lord.
You are Lord.

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Almighty One
There is none like You.

this is the song that reduced me to tears.it's so true.every word.i feel it.i feel her awe.i feel her enlightenment.i feel her love for God.and i'm so happy to be a part of it.the routine goes on,i beat forward,the urgency to do all i can presses hard upon me from all sides.breathing laboured,hope lacking.but i sense the great urge to reach above,for this to not just be an academic journey,but a spiritual revelation.and that's what i'm most desperate for.i don't wish to just grasp the air in vain ambition,self-fulfilment.i'm looking for that all consuming fire to fuel my life,or i can't go on much longer.

I'm reaching out, as far as I can go.
I need to touch the cloak of Jesus.
I want to see the face of God.

oh you cute,sexy man

it is not possible to start describing how hot brad pitt is.i think every girl who knows who is (mel,that includes you finally) can vouch for that.he's getting old but he's definitely not getting any less sexy.it's that whole rugged,half-shaven suave man with that confident gaze and to die for dimples with his "This is Why I'm Hot" smile.move over,adam.

this is probably why the world is screwed up.brad and angelina have a perfectly functional family,are proud of being the most happening unmarried parents around,the world looks and sighs in admiration,there you have it - the first step to a more screwed up global following.all without either of them,brad or angelina,getting any less attractive,and definitely without any other signs of dysfunctionality.i'm still convinced it started during the filming of mr and mrs smith.the crux of it is,the message hollywood is sending to the rest of earth's eager eyes,is that the more screwed up you really are,the side effects don't show on the surface,people still worship you: it's okay to be screwed up,especially if you're hot and famous.

i wrote somewhere before,as a caption for some photo,that brad pitt is an integral part of every girl's life.i'm torn between nodding furiously in girlish ecstasy,or raising my hand in a no-no-no moment,cutting my longing stare at his immense attractiveness with 5 resistent fingers.is resistence futile? oh you cute,sexy man.get over it.

okay away from the philosophical/swooning side of my post and back to cutting-edge life story,my own.tried to study again today,somehow failed.felt very worn out and restless.like all this was killing the life in me.quenching the fire.i'm definitely struggling,but i do want to get into the whole swinging momentum of it,sit down and enjoy the ride.God help me.do you get the feeling of flipping mindlessly through your notes,wishing that you'll suddenly see the light and fall in love with mugging,but inside you're just dying to jump up and yell "Forget it, life is too complex to translate into numerical figures,too large to economize,too full of ups and downs to map out with geography,too short to write proper literature of."?

because i do.i do.i so do.

btw,duane reminds me of brad pitt.it's the dimples.it was highly disturbing watching him in ocean's 13.duane,i mean,brad.yeah.okay bye.

live like the world you know is ending in a day

there are some thoughts and emotions even i am at a loss as to how to express,tears no one can explain,faces in old photographs that have faded and despite my pretence that i don't know whose faces they are,i have them memorized deep inside me somewhere.i am not that girl in the picture up there,but i sure know what it's like to have someone etched forever in the background of your portraits.it's like a stain that would never go away.yesterday i had a strange overwhelming miss,the way you miss a missing person.in other words i became acutely aware that you still existed in the furthest corner of my closet,where i had thrown you in fatalistic abandon that day.i felt the need to write you a letter about everything i had yet to say to you,things we should have sorted out but decided to leave in an unfolded,crumpled mess upon the floor for people to trample on.i cleaned up that mess a year ago,and there it lies with the mothballs and every other painful thing i wish to forget.i didn't write a word to you in the end.

and then there's my dear friend the army took away.for a while he was this old favourite tshirt that you realize suddenly is missing from your usual selection of clothes (the top pile,preferably) and you remember with a flood of anxiety that it meant so much to you but it took you this long to reacknowledge its existence.duane,i'm so happy to find you again.i hope you still fit. (:

wild horses,like these pressures to jump the bandwagon of dating too fast,will they drag you away? or will you wait for that day to come when you can ride on the back of God-ordained courtship into a multicolored sunset of forever with the person you love?

whatever the case,i hope they never drag any of us away.
but as i find my good old friend again,i lose another one to the sweeping sceneries of milan,italy.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words
of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so
that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory
and the power forever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 4:11

wild horses

Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living before we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday

It's like standing at the edge of this large blue sea, rolling and turning just before my feet. The sand is still dry, but in a few months' time the waves will reach them and I would have taken my first step into the endless waters of tomorrow. Here my journey on dry ground would be broken sharply by the intruding call of adulthood; where the world demands you sink or swim. And if I'm blessed to be the child that I am even then, I would still believe my Jesus can help me walk on water.

The world's calling, but I think I'll choose His Way.
Another day of studying goes by.

well then,mug harder!

this whole mugging wave has been giving me bouts of daydreaming,depression,finger twitching and an off and on sense of hopelessness.im am officially a mugger for common tests 2.i am waking up every morning earlier than i would like to,can't stop thinking about what i need to study next,look at the clock every few hours and panic because 1. i can't believe i have only studied for that amount of time and 2. i wish i had more time! my current amount of syllabus left to cover is immeasureable i don't even have a clear idea of how much more i have to go! likuang says, 18 more days as steph has just reported.i have barely completed anything!

i mean look at me! i'm like a nervous wreck.my left middle finger wldn stop having weird spasms and im not even lefthanded.im punctuating my sentences with exclamation marks.my mind keeps drifting to everyth other than focussing on how doomed i am if i don't concentrate ASAP.i suddenly realized,as a result of my drifting,that i don't have many days left with A14.the 2 years we were given is drawing rapidly to a dramatic close! and i can't believe im gg to sit here in my bloody red chair studying my bloody geog notes/tearing my hair out over maths,waiting in oblivious frustration over the A levels for the day of a14's separation to arrive.

God save me.so you think you can dance 2,maroon 5,longing looks at handphone waiting for someone to message me and remove me from whatever present moroseness,thinking of poetic lines,developing antisocial symptoms,nervous glancing at pile of work to be done....is not going to keep me alive very much longer.

i want to say "I've fought the good fight, I've finished the race." at the end of this all.

and i want to win that race.

happy posts

i was reading joy's blog just now and i realize what a happy person she is and in contrast,what an unhappy person i seem to be.which is actually quite untrue given the fact that im one of the most energetic and optimistic people around despite being emotionally unstable from time to time.that's why i decided i have to stop being so melancholic (oh Bosola.) around my blog.that,and also to stop coming online because i desperately need to get into mugging full swing.3 weeks left,and steadily depleting.i feel strangled by my lack of urgency.

i slept quite a bit today.have no idea whyyy im so tired,or maybe its just this allergic reaction to having to rush through all my stuff.plus the stress that comes with praying very hard that im not forgetting to study anyth.AHHHHHHHHH.

i think my attempt to be happy in this post is not working because the night is young and dreadfully in need of MORE STUDYING by yours truly.i shall end here with an eyebrow raiser.

"You know for years I used to wait in breathtaking anticipation for your every word to me. I thought you were so cool, so perfect. I admired you incessantly, you could say I was,in all my childish naivete, hopelessly crazy about you. When I was alone my mind would linger to the things we'd talked about before, not much but still, always enough to tease a smile from my lips. And as I grew older I would laugh at the younger girls swooning over their boys, shake my head in mature displeasure.. Only to remember with a start that you were, as unchanging, tucked away safely in a pocket. On certain lonely nights I would take the memory of you out and unfold you cautiously, holding my breath. I would thank God afterward, that nothing about you was too different, that I still knew you by sight and heart, in essence whatever I had of you still belonged to me. You would probably wonder, now that you're hearing this, why I never said more about this to you, who knows what would have happened if I had. But you see, from the first day I made a mental picture of you, knowing full well you would take up a great space within me, I already knew how we'd turn out from there. I would never love you, because I would never have you. Being with you, my dear, was like counting the stars. You were so painfully beautiful, yet so painfully distant. And no matter how hard I stared up at you each night, no matter how close you'd seem to fall towards me from time to time.. I could spend a thousand nights watching you in wide-eyed wonder, yes, but it simply would be a thousand nights under the wrong sky."

hunt over and done with

last night was the hunt,which ended on a pretty good note overall and im happy to say IM HAPPY ABOUT IT!(:although i was like rather zonked by the end of it i don't think i would have missed it for the world.very interesting experiences.i ended up lost (and the story begins again) and walked about half a mile into zero-light forested area (following a road that i cldn see in that sort of darkness) and thankfully was saved by jon tan's group who happened to find me freaking out in the dark and walking on in hopes of finding the stupid pavillion which i had already missed right at the beginning of the road.then i made the groups who came to me and trinette do the exact same thing.i think the hunting,done by brand n evelyn,wasn that great cos only 3 ppl got caught but i think the fellowship that came with the whole walking around sentosa at night in the dragon trail was good(: haha.well yeah n the westcoast park games..(west coast is amazing) i think robyn n i had this guilty pleasure of making the groups play catching amongst themselves and giving them points according to entertainment value.kudos to bryan chan for letting us use him as bait,10 points.the final showdown between jolene's group and da boyz was particularly worthy of commendation.and the auction! haha the auction rounded things up nicely on a high note.hooray for fcv2!!(: AND GOD for holding the rain,and just about EVERYTH in His hands!!(:

i slept the whole day..then my father was having some great moving the furniture around idea so that's what we ended up doing for the rest of the afternoon..and into the night after dinner.i don't know what everyone's problem with the arrangement is.i mean just leave it la.OKAY im running out of things to blog but here's some old old photographs of my parents (and a few of us kids).very interesting.OH and the YC kids(:(:

the engagement.

on their honeymoon(:

and then there were the 5 of us outside church that sunny day.

i thought my mum looked very nice in this photo outside her house.

im the one in purple.caron's next to me.people to look out for:charlene phua,steffy,meng,bernie,isaac i think.

wow.YC as kids,9 years ago.people to look out for:me,stef,my brothers,zheng,brandon,meng,adelle,gab chin,esther,leon,allister,charlene phua,mark,jon tan,josh!!(SO CUTE),caron,darius,amos loon,clement...and others!!!this photo never fails to amaze me.

people to look out for: karen loh,xiang,caron,josh,nathanel,amos loon.all so cute right(:

okay im off(:

"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
You have become
beautiful."

-Become by the GooGooDolls