not my poem,but my love(:

I love you
not only for what you are,
but for what I am
when I am with you

I love you
not only for what
you have made of yourself
but for what
you are making me

I love you
for ignoring the possibilities
of the fool in me,
and for laying firm hold
of the possibilities for good.

Why do I love you?

I love you
for closing your eyes
to the discords -
and for adding to the music in me
by worshipful listening

I love you because you
are helping me to make
of the lumber of my life
not a tavern
but a temple;
and out of the words
of my every day
not a reproach
but a song.

I love you
because you have done
more than any creed
to make me happy

You have done it
without a word
without a touch
without a sign.
You have done it
just by being yourself

After all
perhaps that is what
Love means.

-Roy Croft

this poem may not be written by me,but in this period of intensifying mugging,which to me feels pretty good somehow (like i'm doing sth with my life that is related to A levels finally!),want to dedicate it to all the people i love out there,who have always been themselves with me,and needless to say have touched my heart with their sincerity,good-will (even when attached to nasty words),genuine giving-a-damn,encouragement,belief in me,and the list of 'showing how i love jonk' goes on.i don't like the thought of mentioning names because i will definitely miss out people,but here goes -
to Rachel Ho,Zwing,Robyn,Stepho,Swannie,Trinette,David,Esmond,Chook,a14,mr josef! & all my other subject tutors,my cell & fellowship comm,Joshua,Sam,Chin,Darien,Duane,GuyJonk,and of course my family.
the list definitely doesn't end here,
sorry for forgetting anyone at all!

but thank you for loving me anyway(:

Q2. do you agree that a picture speaks a thousand words?

and i'm thinking,i could be famous!!!

you know who you are!!!!(:

i for I'M SO INTELLIGENT.

nuff said.

LOVE YA GOODNIGHT!

whisper my own love song

that's from the 'forever' song by hillsong,btw.

i'm not in the blogging mode.i'm in the do maths mode.sleep mode.but i'll be nice back to esmond,for honoring me on his blog.

ermmmmmm,esmond,at least you're a nice weird person right? (: you just got a really hot girl for a neighbour,who happens to be my classmate.it's a good thing!

gdniteeeeeee

drained dry

i'm too tired to type in proper sentances,so i shall put what i want to say in point form.

-that lit essay was mindblowingly bad.
-my youngest brother got into VIP (hurrah)
-im somehow still part of zwing's surprise on monday
-i think my other brother has an eating/exercising disorder
-i have yet to study,despite this being the 8th week countdown (oh,darn)
-i dreamt of justin kong,mr seet,cheese,church and yong en saying a very odd thing last night
-i have a lot of homework and mugging to do,everybody is doing faster than meeeee
-i played floorball today and conveniently ignored grandma goh
-i helped jingyi with her sprained ankle today because everyone else just stared
-i cycled home with zwing,only to realize i forgot to bring my gatsby back,so i had to go back
-for some weird reason i smiled at conran today,who thankfully smiled back
-saw all of steph's eye candy today
-zwing slept for half an hour over at my house this afternoon
-ms low's lit lesson was inspiring,the non-lit part that is.
-zwing danced in a sari with some indian guy on stage,someone cldn't breathe
-had super funny lunch time talk with huishuang and hueyying
-andre is my neighbour??
-i'm still stupid for you.

gdnight.

Why Men..and Women Never..

i just finished Allan and Barbara Pease's (you can see their column in LIFE!sunday for couples) new guide book "Why Men Can Only Do One Thing At A Time and Women Never Stop Talking".the title is so long i sld just refer to it as the Book.it's good! so tomorrow i'm bringing it so a14 can have a good laugh over it tomorrow.i'm guessing the girls (especially steph) will be most interested.

feeling high UNPOETIC right now despite my desperate brainracking activity for a new poetic/lyrical nickname.i currently can't think of a single emo thing to say! maybe it's cos iv been more on the moody side today because for 2 consecutive times iv just dreamt about PE,which i have for real tomorrow.last night i dreamt about swimming for PE.today i dreamt about swimming for PE too!!! and the PE teachers were in the dreams too.good thing they were like encouraging me,although i could literally feel the incredulity (i.e. eyerolling) i had as i listened to them cheer me on.but i have a few interesting things to note from the Book before i go back to my complex numbers tutorial.

"If a woman is unhappy in her relationships, she can't concentrate on her work." I'm not talking about my latest unhappiness but i have to admit i'm not really happy these past few days.work progress has totally sucked to the core,particularly because i refuse to talk about it to anyone except God,who at least won't laugh out loud.

and the best part of the Book,

What Women Actually Look For

1. Personality

2. Humour

3. Sensitivity

4. Brains

5. Good Body

What Men Think Women Look For

1. Personality

2. Good Body

3. Humour

4. Sensitivity

5. Good Looks

The men aren't that far off,really.

What Women Think Men Look For

1. Good Looks

2. Good Body

3. Nice Chest

4. Nice Butt

5. Personality

What Men Actually Look For

1. Personality

2. Good looks

3. Brains

4. Humour

5. Good Body

Women are more far off than they know it.

i can think of a few good men.and i realize too that im not that far off from being perfect.

i think even God will laugh out loud to that.

31 days and forever

for some unmentioned reason,spirits tonight have been dampened yet again (already dampened after lit and gp papers were returned earlier today).i was actually very excited to find out that july and august both have 31 days despite being adjacent months,sth i had no idea about for 18 years of my life.however,i'm not going to blog about it as planned and shall go to sleep feeling unhappy now.

this is the part where i burst into tears.

maybe i won't look back

my nerves have been getting the better of me these days.i'm a bundle of electric wires all knotted up and on the verge of a short circuit.the number of times i've found myself losing my patience and swearing under my breath has gone up this weekend.i've been very tired and not resting my aching muscles but heck,what excuse is that for undone homework and chalked up sins?

the clock will strike 11 and my homework will still be untouched.i will still be fighting sleep.i will still be unprepared for the reality i need to face that next week is the start of the 8 week countdown to prelims.

i can feel a nasty word rising.

for the past 6 hours iv felt like crap.completely wiped out.jaded.whatever you want to call it.laziness?

i think i'm going to cry.

hurry tell me to give you up,
so i can give you up.

lies and love

tonight i wrote down 4 to-do's on my planner:

1. plan schedule (for the next 13 weeks)
2. bessy burgess characterization
3. owen poems (Mental Cases,Dulce Et Decorum Est,Disabled)
4. Act 1 of Plough (and the Stars)

that's just for tonight.and i think i'm just writing them for you know,the sake of writing them.given my current amount of energy i think i'm going to black out soon.but how can i spend one entire night not doing anything but staring blankly intoxicated in front of my laptop?

i kid myself sometimes.

this morning was,you could say,horrors.i love it somehow when the PE teachers never fail to pop out of nowhere during otherwise TGIF moments to ruin your completely innocent,untouched day and make you feel like the scum of the PE world without doing as much as having this pop-quiz style napha test the day i decide to return to school-with-pe-first-period day.what made matters the worst,it was declared that everyone who had gloriously passed napha last term would no longer have proper pe lessons,which were now called 'free and easy periods'.which of course,immediately excluded me.i don't know if i should be feeling ashamed about this,no doubt i was pretty upset again but i grinned and bore it anyway.i can practically feel everyone laughing at me as they read this.and then pretend to be oh so sympathetic as i lie defeated upon the beaten track.

what can i do? i honestly cannot pass my 2.4.go ahead and say it's okay,it doesn't matter,this doesn't make me who i am.but for goodness's sakes,stop lying through your teeth.if it matters to me,it can't matter any less to you.

it never fails to be an hour of mixed emotions.as i held my tongue and tears and went ahead to redo my 5 items for the thousandth time despite having passed them last term and the many terms before with the other slightly-less-physically-inclined people (mostly those insanely genius people from science fac) i couldn't help but feel like a helpless participant on the world's greatest freak show - people who cannot pass their napha.mr seet had given me a very sympathetic look earlier,but however he disappeared soon after and i could no longer glance in his direction and plead for him to remove me from my dreadful circumstances.i actually feel comforted that he was from vj arts.like,less ostrasized or something.

so i continued on to clinch my A for situps and inclined pull up even though i hadn't had the time to train at all since exam madness started (who does inclined pull up for fun?!) but in the face of abandonment by my classmates (who were outside happily playing floorball,free and easy) i barely made it through the rest of the stations.i think i failed 2 in fact! it's atrocious.but maybe that might keep my need to run and pass at bay,since i already failed the 5 items there's no need in continuing with my run down humility aisle right? but not that all these logical reasonings stopped my honest-to-goodness feet from transfering me back outside at the track with an incomprehensible look of elation that my time to run had come.

i told ms ng with the most faked smile that i had come to do my 2.4.at certain points of life,you may indeed find yourself consciously betraying your foremost decisions to stand your ground,and this was mine.i'm sure if i could have see my face then,i would have seen how strained i looked,the rims of my eyes ready to spill the beans.i mean,tears.

i don't know if it was genius on my part,or pure luck.ms ng took pity on me and i ended up doing 100m sprints around the track at 100m intervals.basically that's a walk run walk run schedule.after that whole routine i couldn't have felt more like shit,honestly.not that i didn't cover 2.4 because i did (and at a rate iv never covered it before,though in 100m intervals).but the thing i'll never forget about those 1.2 sprints (sprint half,walk half) was how i ended up crying by my 4th round.of course i wasn't crying because i had to run around whilst my class lovingly bonded over floorball right in my face at the side of the track,i would have done that much earlier if i really wanted to get out of redoing napha.was talking to ms ng after my 4th round just before she left for her next class about what we were going to do about my running and things got a little too personal.some things just flick the switch,so suddenly everything that was on my mind in that instant came falling out and i went from struggling,dignified track prisoner-of-war to vulnerable,defeated basket case (yet again).i think i put up a pretty strong front though,i certainly didn't want anyone to see my ridiculous crying scene.however ms ng did get pretty shocked.in the end i promised her i was going to return to vj one day to prove that i could pass my 2.4.

i don't know what to do with myself.

how on earth is any guy going to take my nonsense?

therefore i branch off to my second and third topic as inspired by Cleo's articles (Cleo,the magazine).why are some of the most attractive (to female counterparts) women still single? and does love conquer all,even infidelity?

a woman's level of attractiveness,even in her own eyes,is constantly questioned everytime some other female is noted as being highly pleasing to the eye,and sometimes more than just that body part.BUT i digress.is there really such a thing as more pretty and less pretty? is beauty not unique to each person? or has it all been compressed into the world of perfect,of photoshop and makeup? is it right to rank women according to their "level of attractiveness",pardon the vulgarity of that description,and shamelessly declare each woman's worth likewise according to such? the world is quick to boast of Dove (whom i fiercely support) and its campaign for real beauty,but if you ask me the world simply pretends it loves women who are confident of who they are regardless of who they are and exalts those who are in reality painfully afraid of what their physical selves will reflect if they were to let the much overused term inner-beauty have it's honest say.i have my moments of envy when i see a perfect waist,gorgeous skin,great legs.but something inside me nags that i,and no one at all,should live by flesh alone.it is easy to criticize such advocators of true beauty as cowards who are merely putting up a front over their far-far-far-from-perfect bodies and desperately trying to destroy the victors of this i-must-be-perfect cause.yes,i do feel like a coward,a victim of circumstance in my lowest moments.somedays i wake up and can't believe i have to face the world with the mere lot i have to offer.i do,on many occasions,feel like the most unattractive girl alive.i,contrary to popular belief,actually am convinced 90% of the time that no one can ever love me.and i say it once again,that don't try to tell me otherwise if you can't prove it to me yourself.

the only proof i need,i sometimes admit,is for someone to dare.

i don't think it's fair for anyone (and i am sure there are many) to live this way.i tell my friends to never feel that they're not good enough for someone.i probably offer the most encouraging advice ever.and it sucks shit knowing that i say these things,mean it,yet find it impossible to apply to myself.i don't even know why i'm being so acutely honest (so honest it may come back and slap me in the face very soon) today.maybe i am because i am fed up.i am so fed up i refuse to threaten to jump off a building in mindless depression like i used to want to do,and instead fight back one insensitive comment at a time.

as my question went earlier,why are some of the most to-die-for characters still single? and even if this weren't the case,the second article i was reading was why people cheat on their partners.make a choice,carry it around,and finally decide to put it back on the shelf.live up to the epitome of false hope,silently empower the excuses made by lost trust.it is,truly,a harsh reality to face up to.i was just talking to steph earlier today,whispering in lit class more like it,that i didn't think it was possible two married people don't like other people for the rest of their lives.a crude summary of what i was saying,yes,but i don't see how marriage seals off your attraction to others.this must be the ugly truth.husbands and wives can't stop having crushes on their own friends.the human nature can't possibly allow that.that's why my mum always teaches me that commitment keeps you together,not romance.that's why the world teaches me divorce is okay.too many people have married for lifelong romance.but they who love the greater love,to quote Owen,those are the ones who marry for lifelong love.it's really hard without God as the glue,if you ask me.living with someone for so long can really drive you to complacency.don't believe me ask my brothers.some siblings don't even talk to each other at home.glue sticks fast,but dries over the years and if its cheap it'll probably be nothing more than a film of plastic over 2 surfaces that once refused to come apart.that sounded highly amateur somehow,but i think it makes my point.

"Q: I've been with my current boyfriend for four years now and my feelings for
him seem to have faded. I no longer feel as in love with him as I used to be and
have been thinking of initiating a breakup, but I'm afraid of hurting his
feelings as he loves me deeply. How can I break the news to him without hurting
him badly? -(obviously clueless) Cleo reader."

on one hand i'm dying to say 'you should have known better'.but then again,it worries me about how frail the human condition is.where do we draw the line with the excuse "I'm only human"?

do tell.

yes.

like being in love,she said,for the first time

8 weeks to prelims,13 to the great start of A levels.

boy am i esctatic.

when you don't know,

yeo likuang has just insulted me majorly.

but i admit,it is hard for the regular human being to understand the complexities of being alive primarily due to this thing called spirit that refuses to die,give up or say it's over.in my head i must have died a thousand times for every moment of despair,and lived all over again for every spark of hope,every empowering embrace that says i know.

but you don't.

a trip up the course of the river

pretty much annoyed because i have yet to make it above 50 for maths.worse still,i dropped back to my lowest and original score (last year's midyears!) 41.second time i'm failing it but i can't say this years midyear paper was any easier from last year's.despite hitting around the class average 06a14 is after all,still an arts class and that makes us at least 10 marks below the science cohort average,which i heard was around 50 for some classes.but of course,there are geniuses like aaron cheong who make it to 60 sth (i think that's a personal low,however),and the mad scholars who hit 80-90.

oh crumbs.i feel like whatever i say now like "oh no i'm doomed for As!" will vaguely resemble a woman in a fast burning-down house on fire screaming calamity yet doing nothing at all.

i must instead,be inspired for maths! this calls for Plan B,which sounds a lot like "well then,mug harder".thank God for semi-superlatives,or whatever the "-er,-est" things are. (i.e. hard,harder,hardest) means i have hope,as long as i have not reached the end of my stick yet. (is that even an expression?)

whatever the case,i'm going to stay calm and go annotate my lit poem and drama now.

oh and i have to blog about this because i think it was the sweetest thing iv heard all week (and possibly in my life,more or less).i don't think the person would want to be named but you can just ask me if you so desperately want to know because you're so incredibly nosey,let's say if you were esmond loon.

ME:
don't get me started
i totally do not believe girls can go after guys
i still don't you noe.
i think ur weird methods wld only get girls into trouble!

HIM:
fine
i admit i haf no idea how it'll turn out

ME:
precisely !
i knew it was all just crap la

HIM:
no but i tell u
it works lor

ME:
u just said
u have no idea how' it'll turn out!

HIM:
for u maybe
not everyone can do it at the same level

ME:
ur saying that
THAT method will work for me?!?!
since when did u noe how i function
i have zero effect on guys la

HIM:
isit
how wld u noe

ME:
im pretty sure
like ZERO.
no one will give it a second thought.

HIM:
u nvr noe

ME:
what i never know
i do noe.
it makes me sad to think abt it
i don't know whether to be comforted by that however.haha

HIM:
??
i dont get u

ME:
as in,if i have zero effect on guys then i wun get like hounded or sth
sexual harassment

HIM:
i tot u do get hounded

ME:
no i do not!
why wld i get hounded ****.
because im pretty!?
tt wld be a first.

HIM:
u are wad
u look great in all ur fotos n stuff
doesnt that tell u something

and then i was so stunned i couldn't think of what to reply for a few minutes.so i said..
(what i now consider a terrible reply)

ME:
erm
if u were a girl i wld give u a biggggg hug.
that's so sweet ****.
i thot u were gg to take the opportunity to make fun of me

i mean seriously.i need things like THIS to happen to me more often and from someone else other than HIM.but thanks,you know who you are,that meant a lot to poor little insignificant me.okay bye.

p/s REALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

joanne kwok is a rather famous hongkong model.now that's interesting.

lost for words

when you're gone by avril lavigne was playing nonstop on my playlists yesterday,making me inexplicably sad because she managed to put things i could never truly put my finger on into hauntingly accurate words and song,giving each one of us out there a little something to be sad yet lyrical about.it was like having my heart broken all over again,and having a tune to go with it.

listen to when you're gone (click)

I've never felt this way before
Everything that I do
Reminds me of you
And the clothes you left
They lie on the floor
And they smell just like you
I love the things that you do

When you walk away
I count the steps that you take
Do you see how much I need
you right now?

When you're gone
The pieces of my heart are missing you
When you're gone
The face I came to know is missing too
When you're gone
The words I need to hear to always get me through the day
And make it OK
I miss you

i know,how cheesy again right.

it hurts me so,to see you go let the sun break you down

that line was from song for the rich (or sth along those lines) by tristan prettyman.i don't even know if i got the line right.

anyway it's been a great day for me and robyn and haitang everybody! we went to vivo,then took a long long long walk to east coast the lagoon for dinner when we came back to the east.the east is great! and i can't possibly describe everyth we did from 2-9 but it was our dinner talk with haitang that i took the most of back with me,and want to keep for the rest of my life.

we talked about the two most important things in secular life - relationships and academics.she inspired me so much.tonight i learnt,not that i didn't know it before,but really learnt that when you make decisions in life,choose a path,and don't look back.don't waste your time wondering what it should have,would have,could have.you may not fulfill your childhood dreams,earn the most money,be a really famous person,but as long as you live life without regrets with where you've been and are headed,life has been a success.and that's all that matters.

in relationships,first thing to worry about is compatibility.the person can be the most perfect person in the world,but if you're not compatible,nothing counts.next,as we know,is the character.how he deals with things at hand.he may not be the smartest person around,but if he has a good heart and good head to handle things,he's worth it.brains aren't everything.look aren't either.but if you get a good looker with good inner-beauty credentials to boot,you've hit the jackpot,baby.

these things aren't things i have never figured out before,or thought deeply about.but what really took me by the shoulders and shook me,was the way haitang brought these across.in the noisy midst of the lagoon,satay-smoke air and hazy moonlight,she sat there with the purpose of teaching us,young rebels,some things she'd learnt about life at age 26.she didn't expect us to listen,she wasn't preaching.but in her eyes i saw her belief in us,the energy she said filled her as she spent time with us feeling young and spunky again,and there and then i chose to remember everything she'd said.

she said she felt that i was going to be a powerful person,and if i really did get into law i'd emerge even more lethal than without it.it's hilarious how i keep hearing this 'you're going to be such a powerful person' thing.i heard it first from my classmate celeste in sec2,i heard it from aunty rose (racho's mum) not too soon after,i've heard it from people i never thought bothered about what i'd be in the future.i was pretty happy she loved my photography skills though haha! but it did set me thinking,that perhaps i should pursue that law thing,and leave my media for later.i really don't know,but God,you know what i need and i'm going to get it.

i'm so tired now i'm going to have to stop blogging.can't think anymore.oh i fixed my bike for free! and i totally love hanging out with swan,i realized.i mean i really really do.okay bye.

you're going to be such a powerful person, she said
you won't be needing
a man for a long long time.

my beautiful girl??

be afraid,very afraid.

fighting my destiny,back to you

i'm so utterly blown away by memoirs of a geisha,yet again.sigh it's everything about the book that makes you wonder how long the destiny you want takes,or if it will happen at all.this is the question iv been absorbed in for the past 2 weeks,ever since...which some of you would know as stars and blanks.

i was shouting it to the wind,two days ago on the beach,a day i currently regret because im so sunburnt its like my skin has caught fire.i was shouting in stars and blanks,because i still can't bring myself to say who,unless i accidentally let slip (which iv inevitably done a few times,much to my dismay).even so,as i was reading in geisha,in some highly fictitious manner i hope that name flows back to you.

im not looking particularly forward to the day i get so busy you become nothing but a meaningless,hopeless hassle at the back of my mind,when i should be focussing on nothing but the A levels,hoping to get my As and not with you or whatever.

memoirs of a geisha essentially is one longdrawn yet beautifully sculpted love story spanning the entire life of sayuri,a fictional yet empowering persona encapsulated by water and the way it slips easily throughout the course of life,encountering places no one else has gone or wants to go,but making it out the very same element in the end.sigh,i wouldn't say its great literature,but it's definitely a great story.not that i want such a life of suffering (like seriously,alot),but in whatever circumstances i may face i do hope to come out with a page-turner of a life journey.

"Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer them, all
too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper."

-Sayuri, Memoirs of a Geisha

sunkissed,i mean frenched

despite the thunderstorm predicted, aw, me and steph(:

ben:)

thanks to our little suntan spree this morning to afternoon,steph and i,are possibly the most burnt people in class.although im in more pain because im usually as white as a ghost and steph's already black.i look like some overcooked thing.

okay my brother has just said goodnight,pink freak.so much for kinship.

then we were watching this really sad korean show moment to remember and i felt like crying a second time,really.it was so moving.it inspires you to do many things - do such a great screenplay and film it,be able to act as convincingly as the two hot leads (maybe without being hot),aspire to have such a great love story (which however had better not involve having alzheimer's) and perhaps lastly to cherish moments to remember so that they become a part of you,never to be taken away.did i mention how hot jung woo sung is.even steph was won over by the middle of the movie.

we spent a good deal of time talking about the most intimate issues of our hearts today,steph and i.im glad i didn't get emo halfway or sth and start crying,but instead i was encouraged and reminded of how much God loves me,despite what im seen as,despite everything i may seem to be and don't want to be.i thought the most interesting discovery about the differences steph and i have,even in our numerous similarities,would be that her autobiography would make people laugh with the lack of severity she views her life with,while mine would make people cry because of the intensity of unhappiness i leave concealed from the world.zwing would shake her head at this.

anyway having no exams for now does leave time for me to just sit back,relax and be emotional all i want.think about this and that,feel empowered by God's promises in a spiritual high,then sink to the depths of hopelessness as optimism drains away the more i gaze in your direction and the more perfect you become against all that i am and have to give.

i'm dying to say the words
but i don't think you'll know the difference
between both my lie and truth
all spelt i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u

because the you has changed.

i am so annoyingly cheesy,seriously.

what if she's not pretty

now THIS is the class picture of the year.
girls, girls.
no comment.

it's like 1/3 over! the common tests 2 are OVER! i don't know if im gg to screw it up or what,but think overall everything was okay,even maths (though i possibly lost half the marks already not being able to do like a lot of questions).how optimistic.

beloved a14 came over to steamboat tonight,they left an hour ago and my stomach is totally ringing with overload.great idea steph(: despite having to wash up a gargantuan piles of dishes and everything else needed to be washed,i'm glad we ended off with a bang.like seriously,bang.

now that things are more or less over,if i have not mentioned it,it's time to catch up with all that holiday i sacrificed just to make it through my books and notes.my room is in a mess.procrastination today,is king.i'm going to sleep.after i hang around doing nothing without much guilt FINALLY.

but it all returns to haunt you sooner than you know,you know.

I was following her through the familiar corridors of the second storey. There had always only been two storeys, and this one was the narrow one. Today I felt claustrophobic, though I had earlier rushed into her arms for our usual embrace and was comforted (I didn't know why I needed any comforting) by her huge presence. You're so pretty, I was saying admiringly, but her hair looked longer than usual and she wasn't quite the same. I cannot recall if she said the same back. She probably didn't. In a few steps we had found the room where I was supposed to find him, time fazing by so quickly the way they do in dreams. I recognized the heads that turned to look at us as we burst into the room, two figures brimming with energy, ever ready to entertain. I didn't see him, nor anyone who usually was with him. Deep inside I already knew despite my vague awareness of myself, that I wasn't really looking for him. I was looking for you. Through him, I had a piece of you - so I was always looking for him frantically whenever I lost him, a great unexplainable fear ripping inside me, that perhaps this time I had indeed lost hold of you forever. And then as I walked across the room, lips in a half-smile waiting to shine for him, somehow for you, when I heard a voice behind me call out for me. I turned, eyes tearing away from my search, stumbling urgently into yours to complete the hello so I could get on with goodbye. And in my nervous intensity fraying along the edges of myself, I paused, and without much of a glow offered a sorry I can't talk now I'm looking for someone "Oh hi."

I later woke up and realized you were my lost and found.

And I'm thinking,
I dare you to not be ashamed of me.

you&i.both(:

Cause you and I both loved

What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

Others only read of, of the love

Of the love that I loved

"...until the dawn it brings
Another day to sing about the magic that was you and me."

sam called tonight

night draws down its blinds,and i'm quivering in the potency of secrecy,memory,and longing.

but i refuse to love you,even still.

disclaimer: this has absolutely nothing to do with sam.

50th post,david's birthday

this is my 50th post,19th June 2007.i have only a few,if not poignant,words to say before i actually start doing work (time now is like 5 sth if im not wrong).

after 3 weeks of hitting the books rather regularly,there is still this sense (especially after reading mr josef's emails) of 'i am soooooooo screwed'.

save me.

and happy 21st david.(:

put a diamond where her name is

kill me now.i'm a mugging disaster.which is equal to i have not been mugging.this is out of pure honesty.so all you people waiting for me to confess my inadequacies so that your hearts leap in fervant devious joy that you've already beaten one more person hands down,get the party started.iv just spent the last few (few=quite a lot) days of my life doing absolutely nothing but preparing for fathers' day and basically what the lay men term as 'playing'.

oh gosh kill me i'm multitasking again.i need to be doing some normal now (normal distribution,you uneducated freaks.*sorry*)! i need to get off this blogging lowlife and msn scum so i can focus AND sleep for early lit class tmr! in all filth and essence,i need to M-U-G.

and then there's this little black thing called my heart,which appears to be lying facedown somewhere squelched miserably in a lonely pool of mud and despair.

it sucks when you're not the one.
goodbye.

"I saw your face, in a crowded place
and I don't know what to do;
I will never be with you." oh screw it.STUDY.

beautiful saviour

And the cry of my heart
Is to bring you praise
From the inside out of my soul
Cries out

momentifying today

Today I will delete from my blog two days: yesterday and tomorrow
Yesterday was to learn and

tomorrow will be the consequence of what I can do

today.

Today I will face life with the conviction that this day will not ever return.

Today is the last opportunity I have to live intensely, as no one can assure me that I will see tomorrow's sunrise.

Today I will be brave enough not to let any opportunity pass me by, my only alternative is to succeed.

Today I will invest my most valuable resource:

my time, in the most trascendental work: my life;

I will spend each minute passionately to make of today a different and unique day in my life.

Today I will defy every obstacule that appears on my way,

trusting I will succeed.

Today I will resist pessimism and will conquer the world with a smile,

with the positive attitude of expecting always the best.

Today I will make of every ordinary task a sublime expression.

Today I will have my feet on the ground,

understanding reality and the Lord's promises

to live out my future.

Today I will take the time to be happy

and will leave my footprints

and my presence in the hearts of others.

Today, let us begin a new season

where we can dream that everything we undertake

is possible, and may we fulfill it

with joy and dignity.

Have a good day today,

and an even better one tomorrow.

(:

-email.

you,you are Lord

As I pray and wait upon the Lord
I know your grace
In love I am restored
As I think of all You've done for me
The mystery of your love
Who walked upon the sea?
Who lived to die for me?
You, you Lord.
You are Lord
As I look upon You
I am changed
I can feel
Your faithful love for me
As I sing and worship you
I find I have no words
To describe your love
Who watches over me?
Whose love has covered me?
You, you Lord.
You are Lord.

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Almighty One
There is none like You.

this is the song that reduced me to tears.it's so true.every word.i feel it.i feel her awe.i feel her enlightenment.i feel her love for God.and i'm so happy to be a part of it.the routine goes on,i beat forward,the urgency to do all i can presses hard upon me from all sides.breathing laboured,hope lacking.but i sense the great urge to reach above,for this to not just be an academic journey,but a spiritual revelation.and that's what i'm most desperate for.i don't wish to just grasp the air in vain ambition,self-fulfilment.i'm looking for that all consuming fire to fuel my life,or i can't go on much longer.

I'm reaching out, as far as I can go.
I need to touch the cloak of Jesus.
I want to see the face of God.

oh you cute,sexy man

it is not possible to start describing how hot brad pitt is.i think every girl who knows who is (mel,that includes you finally) can vouch for that.he's getting old but he's definitely not getting any less sexy.it's that whole rugged,half-shaven suave man with that confident gaze and to die for dimples with his "This is Why I'm Hot" smile.move over,adam.

this is probably why the world is screwed up.brad and angelina have a perfectly functional family,are proud of being the most happening unmarried parents around,the world looks and sighs in admiration,there you have it - the first step to a more screwed up global following.all without either of them,brad or angelina,getting any less attractive,and definitely without any other signs of dysfunctionality.i'm still convinced it started during the filming of mr and mrs smith.the crux of it is,the message hollywood is sending to the rest of earth's eager eyes,is that the more screwed up you really are,the side effects don't show on the surface,people still worship you: it's okay to be screwed up,especially if you're hot and famous.

i wrote somewhere before,as a caption for some photo,that brad pitt is an integral part of every girl's life.i'm torn between nodding furiously in girlish ecstasy,or raising my hand in a no-no-no moment,cutting my longing stare at his immense attractiveness with 5 resistent fingers.is resistence futile? oh you cute,sexy man.get over it.

okay away from the philosophical/swooning side of my post and back to cutting-edge life story,my own.tried to study again today,somehow failed.felt very worn out and restless.like all this was killing the life in me.quenching the fire.i'm definitely struggling,but i do want to get into the whole swinging momentum of it,sit down and enjoy the ride.God help me.do you get the feeling of flipping mindlessly through your notes,wishing that you'll suddenly see the light and fall in love with mugging,but inside you're just dying to jump up and yell "Forget it, life is too complex to translate into numerical figures,too large to economize,too full of ups and downs to map out with geography,too short to write proper literature of."?

because i do.i do.i so do.

btw,duane reminds me of brad pitt.it's the dimples.it was highly disturbing watching him in ocean's 13.duane,i mean,brad.yeah.okay bye.

live like the world you know is ending in a day

there are some thoughts and emotions even i am at a loss as to how to express,tears no one can explain,faces in old photographs that have faded and despite my pretence that i don't know whose faces they are,i have them memorized deep inside me somewhere.i am not that girl in the picture up there,but i sure know what it's like to have someone etched forever in the background of your portraits.it's like a stain that would never go away.yesterday i had a strange overwhelming miss,the way you miss a missing person.in other words i became acutely aware that you still existed in the furthest corner of my closet,where i had thrown you in fatalistic abandon that day.i felt the need to write you a letter about everything i had yet to say to you,things we should have sorted out but decided to leave in an unfolded,crumpled mess upon the floor for people to trample on.i cleaned up that mess a year ago,and there it lies with the mothballs and every other painful thing i wish to forget.i didn't write a word to you in the end.

and then there's my dear friend the army took away.for a while he was this old favourite tshirt that you realize suddenly is missing from your usual selection of clothes (the top pile,preferably) and you remember with a flood of anxiety that it meant so much to you but it took you this long to reacknowledge its existence.duane,i'm so happy to find you again.i hope you still fit. (:

wild horses,like these pressures to jump the bandwagon of dating too fast,will they drag you away? or will you wait for that day to come when you can ride on the back of God-ordained courtship into a multicolored sunset of forever with the person you love?

whatever the case,i hope they never drag any of us away.
but as i find my good old friend again,i lose another one to the sweeping sceneries of milan,italy.

"If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words
of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so
that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory
and the power forever and ever. Amen."

1 Peter 4:11

wild horses

Faith has been broken, tears must be cried
Let's do some living before we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them someday

It's like standing at the edge of this large blue sea, rolling and turning just before my feet. The sand is still dry, but in a few months' time the waves will reach them and I would have taken my first step into the endless waters of tomorrow. Here my journey on dry ground would be broken sharply by the intruding call of adulthood; where the world demands you sink or swim. And if I'm blessed to be the child that I am even then, I would still believe my Jesus can help me walk on water.

The world's calling, but I think I'll choose His Way.
Another day of studying goes by.

well then,mug harder!

this whole mugging wave has been giving me bouts of daydreaming,depression,finger twitching and an off and on sense of hopelessness.im am officially a mugger for common tests 2.i am waking up every morning earlier than i would like to,can't stop thinking about what i need to study next,look at the clock every few hours and panic because 1. i can't believe i have only studied for that amount of time and 2. i wish i had more time! my current amount of syllabus left to cover is immeasureable i don't even have a clear idea of how much more i have to go! likuang says, 18 more days as steph has just reported.i have barely completed anything!

i mean look at me! i'm like a nervous wreck.my left middle finger wldn stop having weird spasms and im not even lefthanded.im punctuating my sentences with exclamation marks.my mind keeps drifting to everyth other than focussing on how doomed i am if i don't concentrate ASAP.i suddenly realized,as a result of my drifting,that i don't have many days left with A14.the 2 years we were given is drawing rapidly to a dramatic close! and i can't believe im gg to sit here in my bloody red chair studying my bloody geog notes/tearing my hair out over maths,waiting in oblivious frustration over the A levels for the day of a14's separation to arrive.

God save me.so you think you can dance 2,maroon 5,longing looks at handphone waiting for someone to message me and remove me from whatever present moroseness,thinking of poetic lines,developing antisocial symptoms,nervous glancing at pile of work to be done....is not going to keep me alive very much longer.

i want to say "I've fought the good fight, I've finished the race." at the end of this all.

and i want to win that race.

happy posts

i was reading joy's blog just now and i realize what a happy person she is and in contrast,what an unhappy person i seem to be.which is actually quite untrue given the fact that im one of the most energetic and optimistic people around despite being emotionally unstable from time to time.that's why i decided i have to stop being so melancholic (oh Bosola.) around my blog.that,and also to stop coming online because i desperately need to get into mugging full swing.3 weeks left,and steadily depleting.i feel strangled by my lack of urgency.

i slept quite a bit today.have no idea whyyy im so tired,or maybe its just this allergic reaction to having to rush through all my stuff.plus the stress that comes with praying very hard that im not forgetting to study anyth.AHHHHHHHHH.

i think my attempt to be happy in this post is not working because the night is young and dreadfully in need of MORE STUDYING by yours truly.i shall end here with an eyebrow raiser.

"You know for years I used to wait in breathtaking anticipation for your every word to me. I thought you were so cool, so perfect. I admired you incessantly, you could say I was,in all my childish naivete, hopelessly crazy about you. When I was alone my mind would linger to the things we'd talked about before, not much but still, always enough to tease a smile from my lips. And as I grew older I would laugh at the younger girls swooning over their boys, shake my head in mature displeasure.. Only to remember with a start that you were, as unchanging, tucked away safely in a pocket. On certain lonely nights I would take the memory of you out and unfold you cautiously, holding my breath. I would thank God afterward, that nothing about you was too different, that I still knew you by sight and heart, in essence whatever I had of you still belonged to me. You would probably wonder, now that you're hearing this, why I never said more about this to you, who knows what would have happened if I had. But you see, from the first day I made a mental picture of you, knowing full well you would take up a great space within me, I already knew how we'd turn out from there. I would never love you, because I would never have you. Being with you, my dear, was like counting the stars. You were so painfully beautiful, yet so painfully distant. And no matter how hard I stared up at you each night, no matter how close you'd seem to fall towards me from time to time.. I could spend a thousand nights watching you in wide-eyed wonder, yes, but it simply would be a thousand nights under the wrong sky."

hunt over and done with

last night was the hunt,which ended on a pretty good note overall and im happy to say IM HAPPY ABOUT IT!(:although i was like rather zonked by the end of it i don't think i would have missed it for the world.very interesting experiences.i ended up lost (and the story begins again) and walked about half a mile into zero-light forested area (following a road that i cldn see in that sort of darkness) and thankfully was saved by jon tan's group who happened to find me freaking out in the dark and walking on in hopes of finding the stupid pavillion which i had already missed right at the beginning of the road.then i made the groups who came to me and trinette do the exact same thing.i think the hunting,done by brand n evelyn,wasn that great cos only 3 ppl got caught but i think the fellowship that came with the whole walking around sentosa at night in the dragon trail was good(: haha.well yeah n the westcoast park games..(west coast is amazing) i think robyn n i had this guilty pleasure of making the groups play catching amongst themselves and giving them points according to entertainment value.kudos to bryan chan for letting us use him as bait,10 points.the final showdown between jolene's group and da boyz was particularly worthy of commendation.and the auction! haha the auction rounded things up nicely on a high note.hooray for fcv2!!(: AND GOD for holding the rain,and just about EVERYTH in His hands!!(:

i slept the whole day..then my father was having some great moving the furniture around idea so that's what we ended up doing for the rest of the afternoon..and into the night after dinner.i don't know what everyone's problem with the arrangement is.i mean just leave it la.OKAY im running out of things to blog but here's some old old photographs of my parents (and a few of us kids).very interesting.OH and the YC kids(:(:

the engagement.

on their honeymoon(:

and then there were the 5 of us outside church that sunny day.

i thought my mum looked very nice in this photo outside her house.

im the one in purple.caron's next to me.people to look out for:charlene phua,steffy,meng,bernie,isaac i think.

wow.YC as kids,9 years ago.people to look out for:me,stef,my brothers,zheng,brandon,meng,adelle,gab chin,esther,leon,allister,charlene phua,mark,jon tan,josh!!(SO CUTE),caron,darius,amos loon,clement...and others!!!this photo never fails to amaze me.

people to look out for: karen loh,xiang,caron,josh,nathanel,amos loon.all so cute right(:

okay im off(:

"You've been hiding in the shadows
Have you forgotten how we used to dream
Let me remind you
The light doesn't blind you at all
It just helps you see
Can you see
You have become
beautiful."

-Become by the GooGooDolls

happy birthday ben!

it was ben's birthday today, so i was out the WHOLE DAY.there goes my studying.anyway this is a picture of both of us(: he is such a poser.



but then again i can probably say the same for myself,although i totally did not mean to end up looking like an idiot in this photo.i was TRYING TO MOVE THE HAIR AWAY because it was in my face.my father thought i was posing.so he took the picture anyway.strangely,i think i look very nice despite the retarded pose.


not a very flattering picture of any one of us.but here's the 3 of us all happy together after eating at jumbo!(:

hehehe.i like this picture cos I look nice. (: ben said he looks like an alien.

ah what a happy picture right! with mummy.who looks surprisingly very smiley.and yep i like this photo a lot. ^^

the 3 of us again...joanne,benjamin and dominic.nicky is SO dumb!!

and of course i have to have a picture of the camera man.my dear father. (sheesh!!!)